#imustnotfear

I’m talking with Pastor Tanya today about this whole situation with Sam.  There has to be a way to resolve this without risking him trying to guilt us or have him go over the deep end.

I’m trying to make the best out of the situation by planning a separate trip with Florizel, and moving my seats on the flight to make sure I don’t sit next to Sam should he choose to fly.  Having to tell him that I no longer wish to take this trip, and why...that’s going to be a hard conversation.  In spite of that, I know I must not fear.  He relies on fear to manipulate and get what he wants.  Crafty putz...

Right now, I’m trying to remind myself that I’m loved and I have a fun couple of days coming up.  Tonight is date night.  Florizel and I are going to see a few of our children friends in a show.  Tomorrow morning, we head out to see a show with Sam, Ellen and “Ariel” (actually a guy, but whatevs.)  The other three are staying just for the day while Florizel and I will stay overnight and catch the train back the next evening. 

It’s going to be a fun trip because I said so.  It will also be the first time Florizel and I have traveled out of town together on a mini trip. Baby steps.

Additionally, a shout out to Florizel.  Again.  He has been such a rock during all of my drama...I’m not proud of the drama, but I’m so blessed and thankful for his patience and love.  Also a shout out to the rest of my kickass friends who have stood up for me and have also shown love and overall awesomeness.  I love you guys so much.

Florizel especially has been so strong when I have just wanted to give up.  He has been selfless with his love and devotion...I feel like I’ll never be able to make it up to him.  I have to remind myself that relationships don’t keep score.  Still, he’s gone through so much with me...anyone else would have caved in, but he is so strong...he truly is the man for me.  I know I would be just as strong and resilient in his hour of need, and I will be that and more for him.

Done with the niceties.  I can vent here.

WHAT THE LEVEL FUCK, AMERICA.  WHY THE FUCK DID YOU VOTE FOR THIS ASSHOLE TRUMP.  SIG HEIL! HIER KOMMT DER FEUHRER!

I know you guys hate Clinton, but does that really mean you would sooner have one of the most racist, creepy, perverted, simple-minded, arrogant men as our future President?  Hilary is not great, this is true.  But I voted for her because I thought maybe, MAYBE, what she promised might hold some water.

Instead, we voted against each candidate and look what we got.  A dark day.

Today has been a day of tears, fear and grief.  I’ve watched my friends take to social media to criticize and express their disbelief.  I’ve seen people posting the Suicide Prevention Hotline number.  American is going into a panic.

Coming down, I wanted to share something that I hope can give some peace.  We do not want to give into our fear and let it control us for ill.  If anything, let it control you for good.  Let it be cause to speak out against Der Feuhrer and act against him.  If our voices our heard, he cannot do a thing.  We have to fight back.

I leave you with this: The Litany of Fear from the Dune series by Frank Herbert:

“I must not fear.

Fear is the mind killer.

Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past, I shall will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.”