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Understanding and managing your emotional triggers
When you react badly to an event, it is common to blame the event for your reaction e.g. your boss asks you to work overtime and you get angry. Your natural reaction may be to blame your boss for your anger. However, you may notice that other people, when asked to work overtime, do not always react angrily. In fact, some just accept and get on with it while others, if it is not convenient, inform their boss that they will not be able to work overtime. Given the fact that others are able to react differently to the event, it stands to reason that it is not the event that causes your anger. Rather it is your beliefs or feelings about the event. This is where your emotional triggers come in to play.
For just about every possible event, you have your own beliefs, feelings or views. In the example above, you may feel that you cannot say ‘No’ to your boss. Alternatively, you may feel that your boss should not be asking you to work overtime as you work long enough hours. Can you see how either of these beliefs would cause you to react angrily when your boss asks you to work overtime?
Now imagine if rather than these beliefs, you believed that you had the right to say ‘No’ to your boss or; you just accepted that from to time you would have to work overtime. Can you see how these beliefs would lead to you feeling differently about the situation? As a result, you would be less likely to get angry.
Your beliefs about a situation are just one way that emotional triggers can influence your behaviour. Sometimes, emotional triggers can lead to positive behaviour; however, emotional triggers often lie behind some of our worst behaviour. If you are unaware of your emotional triggers, these negative behaviours can seem automatic and out of your control. Fortunately, as you become aware of your emotional triggers and start to monitor them, you realise that you have the opportunity to intervene in the space between the event and your response, thus creating a more desirable situation.
Taking control of your emotional triggers
You can implement the following steps to help you take control of your emotional triggers by increasing your awareness and developing new ways of responding. These steps are divided in to 2 phases – understanding your emotional triggers and, managing your emotional triggers.
Understanding your emotional triggers
 1. Identify your emotional triggers
A trigger is an experience that draws us back into the past and causes old feelings and behaviors to arise. It is important to note that the emotional trigger is not always the specific situation e.g. in the example given earlier the emotional trigger is probably not the fact that you have being asked to work overtime. The following are just some of the emotional triggers which are more likely to be the issue in that particular example:
Being asked to do something you do not want to do
Taking orders from authority figures
Having somebody else control your time
Lacking the confidence or assertiveness to say ‘No’
Thinking errors – e.g. you may believe that the boss always expects you to be the one to work overtime and never asks anybody else
As you can see, each of these emotional triggers is different and would have to be dealt with a different approach. That is why it so important to observe your feelings and emotions to find the exact emotional triggers which are leading to your undesired behaviour.
2. Spot external stimuli
Some triggers are situational and social. Take note of the situations where you behave in the undesired manner. Include the people who were there, what was happening etc. In time, you will begin to see a pattern which will better enable you to identify the root cause of the issue.
3. Identify internal causes
When you find yourself behaving in the undesired manner, take note of your thoughts and feelings. Your thoughts and feelings about situations, and people, heavily influence your behaviour. In many cases, these thoughts and feeling are inaccurate, unhelpful or no longer relevant. When you become aware of them, you are in a position to challenge them.
4. Accept that we all have emotional triggers
We are all human and as such, we are all fallible. Having emotional triggers which cause you to behave in a negative way does not make you a bad person. Instead, view them as an opportunity to grow and develop into an even better person.
Managing your emotional triggers
5. Keep a journal
The best and simplest way to monitor your behaviour is to keep a journal. Whenever you behave in the undesired manner, make a record of your thoughts, feelings, emotions and the situation you were in when the behaviour took place. Note what’s going on in your head and in your surroundings at the time. Be as detailed as you can be.
Tracking your triggers is the first step in mastering them. It allows you to identify patterns and pinpoint the causes of your behaviour. When you can do this, you are then in a position to make changes.
 6. Challenge yourself
The key to change is placing yourself in difficult positions and being open to doing something new and more constructive. Many people avoid their problems but avoidance is not an effective problem solving strategy. If you want to change your behaviour, you must challenge yourself. It is not always easy but the rewards are always worth it.
 7. Come up with alternatives
If you want to change your behaviour, it is not enough to simply stop behaving that way. That approach is rarely effective. You need to substitute a new behaviour. Brainstorm new strategies you can use instead of the old behaviour e.g. if you do not want to do the overtime, commit yourself to becoming more assertive so that you can tell your boss that you will not be available.
You may need to develop and implement new skills. Develop Your Strengths may be helpful to you.
8. Know your capacity
Proceed at your own pace. To continue with the previous example; if you want to be more assertive, you can start out by being more assertive with your spouse and friends if you need to practice before talking with your boss. This will build your confidence and, as you see that the world does not end when you say ‘No’, you will build a greater resolve to stand your ground.
9. Make time to relax
Taking the time to manage your stress levels will help you to manage your emotions better. Identify the behaviours which help you to de-stress and fit them into your schedule on a daily basis. As you begin to de-stress and unwind, you will find that you become more resilient and more determined.
10. Live healthy
Another way to make yourself more resilient is to take good care of your body and mind. Eat right, sleep well and exercise regularly. You’ll be better prepared to bounce back from any obstacles that may arise.
11. Develop a strong support network
When you’re dealing with stubborn issues, it’s good to know you have people who care about you and want to help. By telling people whom you can trust about your desire to change, you will have a support network whom you can turn to during your tough times and, with whom you can celebrate your progress. The knowledge that you are not alone upon your journey can be enough to give you the courage to keep going.
Note: Professional help can be a wonderful part of your support network, if required. There is absolutely no shame in seeking professional help when you are trying to improve your life.
Failure to understand and manage your emotions is one of the leading factors behind Passive Aggressive Behaviour. To help you mange this problem, check out Tackling Passive Aggressive Behaviour.
When you behave in an unacceptable manner, it is easy to blame others or to blame events for your behaviour. When you blame outside factors it may make you feel better in the short-term but in the long-term you are cheating yourself of the opportunity to live a happy, healthy life. If you are behaving in an inappropriate or undesirable way, the problem may well be due to emotional triggers. We all have our own unique emotional triggers. Learning to handle them constructively enables us to fix the issues that get in our way and move ahead in life. So, rather than blame outside factors for your unwanted behaviour; take it on the chin, accept that you need to make some changes and get to work. When you implement the steps outlined above, you will be well on the way to taming your emotional triggers and enjoying a happy and healthier life.
