#imposter thoughts

i feel that i’m an imposter in the queer community.

i am self aware enough to identify where it likely stems from: conservative asian upbringing, struggles with presentation/gender, etc.

i have never actually had a crush(as most people describe it). most of my “crushes” in the past were something that occurred due to proximity and faded fast or i just thought a person looked really pretty. I know what you’re probably thinking, that i’m aro. but i don’t think so? I do think I am capable of being romantically attracted, but i’m probably more demi/fluid than just aro.

My mother has problems with me; one of which is how i present myself. in most situations, i will go for something tomboyish. personally, i wear dresses half because they are pretty and make me feel pretty and half because practicality. as a former gymnast, let me tell ya it’s much easier to move around (especially legs) in a dress&leggings than jeans.

But back to the main point up at the top, i do wonder if i am “queer enough” sometimes. This may sound weird, but as I understand it, most queer people actively consume queer media, engage in discourse at times, hit on people, and find their own community.

I do watch queer media simply because i’m tired of the rinse-repeat storylines of most romance media and oftentimes, queer storylines offer a different perspective. I am not saying all straight/straight-passing media is bad; it is however usually misogynistic or sexist which is kinda sad.

I do not posses a queer community of my own, forget that I don’t have a clear box that I fit into.

I don’t like women enough or i don’t like enough women to be a lesbian.

I don’t like men enough to be a bisexual.

I may/may not like people irrespective of gender; currently as a teenager who was raised on the horror stories of an asian mom, i am leery of most high school boys who have as a whole done very little to prove otherwise.

I do enjoy the idea of sex and would probably eagerly do it with the right person.

I would call myself queer but it feels like an ill fitting hoodie sometimes.

I like being a girl, but sometimes, I wish I was anything but. Sometimes, I feel like I am anything but.