#implied soapghost

Ghost after meeting Soap.

Price : Have you slept?

Ghost : Depends what day it is

His biggest struggle was suicide ideation and self harm.

His therapist always encouraging him to "create, not destroy. To make not break, to be productive not destructive."

Its how he picked up baking, why he got so good at it. Same with cooking

He does pottery every now and then. Many of his dishes and stuff at home are things he made during his recovery years.

He never quite picked up painting but he loves spending time at local art galleries and museums. He can spend hours at those places, just letting his head clear.

We all know he has at least some basic sewing skills (cause of the mask) but I feel like it's even deeper than that. He's out there making quilts and shit.

He likes to knit, and dabbles in crochet when he's feeling particularly restless.

I just feel like he's actually so much better at coping than people give him credit for. I like to think he's fully prepared to completely kiss the military goodbye and be left to his own devices as a civilian. I feel like because he's lost so much he's desperately clinging to that little bit of humanity left in him

He's got the quilt his mum tried to make for Tommy and Beth as their wedding gift. He made throw pillows with Joseph's baby blankets. His decor is all stuff his mum would have liked. He likes having handmade things, it's a testament to his abilities and to his determination to keep surviving.

His house is a home, and its such a safe space. It has soft, warm lighting. The rugs are all handmade by Ghost, and they're soft, cozy. It always smells good, like pastries or a lovely pasta dish.

Its so jarring and unexpected for Soap the first time he ever goes home with Ghost on leave.

But there's something about it that is just so humbling. To see this man in a state of domestic bliss, surrounded by years of hard work to not give in, to keep living another day.

Price:

sometimes when you miss someone, you start doing the things they like to feel less lonely

Ghost is the worst at dealing with burn out.

They all get burnt out at some point, it's inevitable in their career of choice.

But the others are able to handle it pretty well.

Price knows how to step back and delegate a few little things to others, to take a step back and let other people deal with certain problems. He knows when to pick a battle and when to let something slide. He knows when to take some time off and when to find quiet time for himself on base.

Soap knows how to slow down. He knows how to ease himself out of doing as much as he does so he doesn't run out of what little energy he has left. He knows how to admit he can't do something right now, and he's not ashamed to admit it.

Gaz knows his limits, and he knows how to respect them. He knows that when he's burnt out he can't even consider pushing himself. He knows that once he hits his limit, he needs to stop. And he knows how to start small and build his way back up.

They all know that burn out is inevitable and that's okay, and they all need a little help sometimes.

And Ghost technically knows this too.

But he's been Ghost for so long, he's almost forgotten that the rules of humanity still apply to him.

He's been burnt out for so long he doesn't even remember what normal functioning is supposed to look like.

He's forgotten that something like eating or showering shouldn't be a chore, but he's grown so accustomed to fighting himself to get these little tasks done.

He's forgotten what it feels like to be rested and not tired.

For him, it always feels like it's just one thing after another. Never a time to fully heal, never a time to fully rest. He's always wounded, always tired, always struggling to just make it through another day.

He's grown so numb so why does everything still hurt? Is he really that broken, so broken that he's beyond hope for repair?

Was it Roba?

Or his father?

Because surely if there was a creator, they wouldn't be so cruel as to make him this way by design.

It's gotten to the point that even loving Soap feels hard. Not in the sense of it feels like a chore, but in the sense of he feels so ill-equipped to maintain a relationship. He knows it takes communication, time, and effort for any relationship, but he feels he just doesn't have it. He wants to just sometimes sit and simply stop existing for a bit, to let his mind and body process everything over the years of his life, to give him a chance to know what the hell is going on.

But he doesn't get it.

And he doesn't understand why he keeps getting out of bed.

Why should he care so much? Why does he care so much? When did he care so much?

He doesn't understand why or how he's crawling out of bed and into clean clothes for the day. He doesn't understand how he's still functioning well enough to have conversation with the team, to make little jokes here and there, to make plans.

He doesn't understand how he's still able to do everything he does without simply collapsing.

He feels so empty, like a husk, a shell of what he's supposed to be.

A performative skeleton dancing around, biding its time until it collapses.

But most of all, he doesn't understand how no one seems to see it. How no one has noticed the way his body seems to droop as if simply holding himself up is a challenge.

Doesn't understand how Johnny can look him in the eye and smile at him like he's hung the bloody stars and not see the despair weighing him down.

And maybe an unmarked grave is all he needs. A place where he'll be left undisturbed, unburdened, and laid to rest.