#imnotleavinherewithoutyou

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You hear color, you feel sound. Everything tears at your skin for a chance to taste what used to be an angel. 

well sometime past dawn i woke up and i opened my eyes and i saw a blond mass of curls and red fabric, and in my head i’m like “who is this strange blond man in a red t-shirt laying next to me in bed?” but that’s all i think. no panic or anything despite the fact that i fucking should have screamed no just a very calm “huh, what’s this now?” kinda blasé ass attitude from my half-asleep self. thanks, me

consider: he hand-embroidered the jacket himself after he found it in his dad’s closet a week after his dad’s funeral, his mom said he could have it, he could grow into it

consider: cas with callouses and grease under his nails and a sewing kit in his manpurse messenger bag

consider: cas and dean meet when dean rips the ever loving shit out of his pants by darting into busy traffic to keep a car with an unaware driver from hitting cas as he’s in the cross walk

consider: cas is new to town and knows exactly no one and he would live with his brother but his brother’s apartment is already over legal capacity and he just can’t ask because his brother would say yes and cas doesn’t want to be a burden on anyone

consider: dean letting cas crash at his apartment if and only if cas lets dean take a look at the engine of cas’ gorgeous bike (cas built it by hand and dean can tell)

consider: cas never learned to cook very well, because riding a bike across the country makes kitchens few and far between, but dean been there and done that too and can’t believe cas’ flimsy excuses (”you can microwave rice, man, it’s not that hard.”)

consider: cas feels the itch to bolt, to leave, to ride, but he suppresses it, both for his brother and for this new man in his life

consider: dean thinks the wings in cas’ jacket are fucking wicked, and cas gets dean a leather jacket from goodwill the next day and spends a month secretly embroidering a matching jacket for dean 

but i’m pretty sure what would end up happening is dean walking up behind cas while cas is making coffee one morning, super tired and bedhead out of control, and cas is probably all dopey and happy because the only thing better than morning coffee is morning dean

and dean just kisses under cas’ ear and whispers “will you marry me?”

at which point cas freezes and then sighs and says “goddammit, now i’ve got to call the restaurant to change the details of our engagement dinner”

and they both laugh while dean slips the ring on cas’ finger

Cas texts him, snaps him, dms him on instagram all throughout the day. Even when they’re apart they’re always talking. 

Growing up with child abuse fucked him up in some ways. A slammed door immediately makes his heart pound, a raised voice makes his emotions flat line. People can’t even help him in the goddamn kitchen because of his stupid fucking control issues. He’s always felt so broken and raw. Distrust is easy, because you can’t be betrayed if you don’t let someone in. 

Power was always so loaded. Most people still don’t get to more than arm’s reach. But Cas just... happened. 

Cas who talks calmly when Dean is freaking out. Cas who holds his face and forces him to stay in reality. Cas who taught him to meditate. Cas who buys him fresh berries from the farmer’s market so he can make pies like his mom used to. 

Dean sometimes goes to bed terrified. He knows all the love in the world can’t erase 25 years of misery and terror, but sometimes Cas looks at him when he talks about his childhood, and those beautiful blue eyes just fill with something almost righteous. Like so what if the PTSD might never go away, because neither will Cas. 

That’s a promise Dean doesn’t know how to accept yet. Everyone leaves. Life is change and change means end. 

But what if it doesn’t end? Are things supposed to last forever? Is this too much?