#immutatio

❝ do you remember anything? at all? ❞

@immutatio | meme.

the cold air bites at his nose and cheeks, but that's not the only thing that makes him want to sink down into his jacket like a turtle and never emerge again. the hurt in haley's eyes is really only intensified by the dull brick of the hospital behind them, which stands as a reminder that nate is inside, stomach being pumped, and tryst is out here, pockets still a little heavier than they were the day before. there are tears stinging his eyes too, and his nose is red, but he feels like an asshole for being upset, for being here at all. no one wants him inside, so they're standing outside in the parking lot, winter beating down at him almost as hard as he's beating down on himself.

"i don't know," he says honestly, because he doesn't know how he's going to forgive himself, so he really has no clue how she could manage it. he can tell himself all day that he tried to cut nathan off, but he wasn't strong enough to keep his word on that, and he should never have sold to him in the first place. "i just--- i just wanted you to know i feel terrible, haley, and i wanted to check on him."

@immutatio | meme.

tryst was on his way out the door, boba in hand--- he'd thrown a thanks to zoe for it when he plucked it off the counter--- when he'd heard their phone conversation about degrassi turn into zoe shitting on craig. he'd thrown out a, you're wrong! as he grabbed the door handle, and then zoe stopped him. "actually, it's not, because i can't believe this craig slander i'm hearing," he says, letting the bag he'd brought in drop to the floor by the door before turning to cross the room. he leans over the large printer to look at zoe, and so that becca can hear him, and he says, "he wasn't in his right mind when he hurt ellie that time. he was high off his ass and scared his dad was gonna find out. was he wrong? sure. but it's complex, and that's what makes a him good character. before that, he just didn't feel the same way about her. nothin' wrong with that."

@immutatio | meme.

"yeah, i know what you mean." the corners of his lips twitch as if he wants to say something else, but the moment falls silent. he thinks of how heartbroken taylor was to find out that she'd be taking care of his child for the rest of her life. he remembers how wet her face was, absolutely covered in tears, how her voice broke when she told him all about how her future was ruined and it was his fault. it didn't leave room for him to feel the excitement that naturally flooded his chest, so he pushed it down. each time he sees her, his daughter, it gets harder to push down the feeling of wanting to connect with what he feels is going to be his best contribution to this earth.

he'd probably just fuck her up anyway, right? that's what everyone else seems to think. and it's not like they're wrong to think that; that's what he's done with most things. the thing that hurts most is, the way things stand, he won't get the chance to even find out.

he'd thought about telling lucas that he was living the nightmare he'd almost been in with brooke, but most people don't actually know who the father of taylor's little girl is. her entire family prefers it that way, and he prefers not to think about it. so instead he says, "but hey, man, count your blessings. it could always have been real, and then you'd have a kid with someone who hates your guts. i mean... yikes."

@immutatio | meme.

"no, i'm afraid i'm dead serious." he doesn't want to have to be dead serious. tryst likes being a sort of aloof weirdo who brings a fun, chill energy to a situation, but sometimes there are situations in which he has to turn that off and turn on this serious version of himself, who he often finds gets a little scary. maybe it's because of something deep down he needs to work on, or maybe it's because the situations he tends to be in often have a very serious underlying theme--- drugs. a lot like him, they're weird, fun, and a little scary sometimes.

"i'm cutting you off, man. that's it. no more from me. i can't stop you from getting it anywhere else i guess, but..." he shrugs, hands up an a show of defeat. "this is my way of saying i think you need help. and not for body pain, okay, because it's been long enough that it's not about that anymore. you're using this---" his hands move around in front of himself, palms facing his chest, implying the word drugs, "---as a way to heal the pain in your heart. and it can't do that."

tryst sighs, seeming almost tired now even though there hasn't been a fight yet. it's as if the anticipation of the fight, of whatever is going to happen once he finishes speaking, is enough to weigh him down. he knows he's not innocent here, and it's hard to fight someone you've not only been enabling, but taking money from, when you know you're also in the wrong. "as your friend, i'm cutting you off."