#immortalproblems

A mandatory safety briefing regarding the upcoming weekend. 🎆🦇

Because the United States is celebrating its 250th anniversary—its semiquincentennial—this year, the mortals are going to be celebrating with unprecedented, terrifying enthusiasm.

For creatures of the night, a summer holiday entirely based around staying out late and playing with fire is a logistical disaster. Several of our senior members actually remember 1776, and frankly, the colonists were a lot quieter.

Here are UdA’s top strategies for surviving the impending weekend.

Evacuate the Suburbs: Mortals will be setting off low-grade incendiary devices (fireworks) in their driveways for at least three days straight. For those of you with enhanced senses, this sounds like a continuous artillery barrage, and the sudden flashes of light will absolutely fry your dilated, night-adapted retinas. TUA highly recommends migrating to a damp, soundproofed basement or renting an AirB&B in the deep wilderness (more on that later).

The Garlic Air-Quality Index: Mortals love a backyard barbecue. What do they put in every single marinade, dry rub, and potato salad? Garlic. By 6 PM on Saturday, the ambient air quality in any given neighborhood will be highly toxic to the traditional undead. Invest in a high-grade respirator mask and just tell your neighbors you have severe summer allergies.

Psychic Shielding is Non-Negotiable: A message from Emma at the TUA helpdesk for our telepathic members: The psychic static of millions of mortals simultaneously drunk on cheap domestic beer and screaming at explosions will give you a migraine that lasts until August. Erect your mental wards by Friday evening, or you will be subjected to the inescapable inner monologues of suburban dads stressing over the internal temperature of a brisket and keeping up with the Joneses.

Please Ignore the "Stake" Talk: We get emergency hotline calls every single year because a fledgling overhears a neighbor saying, "I'm going to throw a massive stake on the fire tonight," and immediately assumes there is a Van Helsing in the cul-de-sac. They mean the meat. Stand down. Put the silver daggers away.

(Image by Jonathan Cutrer on Flickr)

PSA for our immortal members regarding modern banking. 🏦🦇

We at The Undead Association cannot stress this enough: you cannot keep the same checking account open for 150 years. The IRS has algorithms now. They will notice if your savings account has been compounding interest since the Hoover administration.

Gone are the days when you could just bury a chest of gold in the woods. Modern survival requires administrative agility. Every 30 to 40 years, you must execute the "Eccentric Recluse" maneuver: fake your own demise and legally bequeath your entire estate to your completely fabricated, out-of-state "nephew" (who is also you, wearing a different haircut and contact lenses).