#imjustsharing

I love writing down how I feel. That’s how I usually get them out. I had very few friends I could talk to and because we had conflicting schedules, I couldn’t turn to them. So as I’ve said I love writing down what I feel and this particular week had been a rollercoaster of emotions.

Let me start with this, I’ve wanted to be a chemical engineer ever since I was 6 because the experiments my aunt did always fascinated me. Fast forward to the present where I’m taking Chemistry 4 Level 2 classes, which teaches us the applications of chemistry in different fields. I know for a fact that our school is very advanced because we’re already tackling lessons studied for college students. I know for a fact that the subject was gonna be hard. But for our first problem set, I blanked out. I couldn’t answer a single thing. I can’t even begin to comprehend how to answer the question. This wasn’t really new to me but it still affected me. My classmates seemed like they were having no problems answering the probset, that’s when I started to overthink. Why couldn’t I do it? I was planning to do this for the rest of my life and yet my first probset in I can’t even answer a single thing. I broke. I cried. I did something I’ve never done. I talked to my mom about what’s happening to me. I was expecting her to get mad at me for doing badly, but she didn’t. I guess, I just thought she would because that was what I was feeling for myself at that moment. I was mad that I can’t answer the probset. I was rethinking the path I set for myself. After talking to my mom, after her reassurance that I am not less than what I am because of my failures, I got through the night. The next day was my chem long exam. I didn’t sleep, I study my ass off. I asked help from a friend. I felt a little better. Then morning came, I got anxious again. I had no idea what to expect from the long exam, my teacher is unpredictable. I began dreading the day to come. I arrived at early and looked for my classmates. I asked for help but still couldn’t get everything they were saying. I started tearing up again. They comforted me and it felt nice not being alone. Chemistry is my first subject so I went to my room, proceded to sit in my seat. I didn’t study anymore. I doubted I could take in anymore information so I just sat and stared at nothing in particular. My mind wasn’t occupied so guess what I did. I started overthinking again which led me to cry silently just seconds before the bell rang. Then, the test started.