#im(not)fine

I watched Tara die.

I watched Poussey die.

I watched Lexa die.

I mourned the last two so hard that I have tattoos on my body to remember them by. I have lost so many of my favorite queer characters over the course of my life.

I watched my ships be plagued by male centered writers who think two girls kissing is just a ratings grab. While also thinking that killing one of them off is a great plot device to build up other characters.

I grew up with Xena the warrior princess and her "sidekick" Gabrielle. I was there when Ellen came out so brightly only to be shunned moments later. I listened intently when Kerry Weaver was called a Dyke. I sobbed ugly tears as Cleo fell, her body riddled with bullets.

I have lived a life were the kind of love I have is judged and looked down on. I try my best to not let it eat away at me but it's so hard.

So to have Bridgerton come out and say, "Hey, I know you didn't ask for this but we're giving it to you anyway with no strings attached and no one dies." My heart can barely believe it's real.

But then they say this and my heart feels too hopeful 🥹 Too big for my chest because the anticipation feels other worldly.

Yes, we've had some great Lesbian and Bisexual representation but it's few and way to far in-between. And what Bridgerton is doing feels so much bigger than anything I've seen before.

I don't know how to feel knowing that not only is my ship going to sail... I get to keep them both 🥹

You're a war crime. You're a genocide. You're 200 kids of the ninth. Your parents wanted you to be the greatest necromancer of your generation. 200 kids was the price. Every day of your life, you've been reminded of it. Walking through the halls of your house. Seeing its people getting older. All so you could be the greatest necromancer of your generation. But there was one girl. One girl who didn't die. You hated her. It was because she had no loyalty to the Ninth, you told yourself. You were always loyal. How could you not? You were the sole future of your House. But that wasn't really why you hated her. You hated her because she reminded you of what you are, and because she saw when you failed. When all of it was just too much. When you wanted to end it all. But you didn't, maybe you couldn't. What would the Ninth House be without you, The Revered Dauther? But you made it all worse; your parents were dead, and she saw that. She saw that you failed. The Revered daughter can't fail. The greatest necromancer of their generation can't fail. That's why you hated her. But then there was an option. You could become a Lyctor, you could save your house. Even then it would never be enough. Nothing would ever be enough. But you had to try. You realised that you couldn't do this alone. Even though you were the greatest necromancer of your generation, you needed a cavalier. And she was the only option. You had to tell her finally. If she was going to work for you, she had to understand. So you told her. What you are. Why you need to do this. Why you hated her.

Harrow... I'm so bloody sorry.

You were alone. That's how it always was. All the children of the ninth house were dead. But now, in this momen,t you were not alone. For the first time in your life, you were not alone. Then the Lyctor came. But you weren't alone. The greatest necromancer and the greatest cavalier of their generation fighting side by side. But what is a necromancer compared to a Lyctor? You realised too late. You were going to die. The Ninth was going to die. Gideon was going to die.

One Flesh One End

You thought she couldn't be loyal. How foolish of you.

200 children to create a necromancer. Just one to create a Lyctor. Small price.

There is nobody. You are alone. You are The Revered Dauther. You are the greatest necromancer of your generation. You are a Lyctor.

someday I'll finish