#ikagtask11

I’m so sorry that I haven’t visited you and dad lately. I’ve wanted to, I’ve just been so busy with the show and dancing. It’s all finally looking up, mom. I’m dancing a lot more, I got scouted and I’m now dancing in local shows. I’m even starting to leave the LA area a bit more, it’s so exciting!

I’ve met someone, too. It’s nothing serious, we’re not even a couple or anything, but she makes me so happy. She’s kind and smart and I’m sure if you were here today you’d love her. Her name’s Eveleen, Eve for short. She’s gorgeous. I told her about you and dad, you know. She was so understanding and kind about it.

I wish you could read this. I wish I could read it to you. I wish I could hug you and just see you one more time. I wish you were still here and you could see how far I’ve gotten. How happy I am. I miss you so much, mom. I never stop thinking about you, please know that. I promise I’ll visit you more often and bring you and dad flowers all the time.

I love you.

I miss you.

I love you. Let me start with that. No matter what you say or do, you're still my family. I'm glad to know that you feel the same way about me, since being attracted to girls and having an awful opinion on a subject are clearly the same.

While I love you, I sometimes don't respect you. I do not respect your opinions, or the way that you choose to share them.

I do respect your tenacity. You are determined and strong, and you love yourself more than anyone else. You are your number one.

I hope you're having a good day, and I'm sorry I couldn't think of more to write to you. I hope the flowers I sent find you soon.

Happy mother's day! I miss seeing you. I know I visited right before I came back to IKAG, but it feels like forever, and you really can't hug a webcam.

Angel is here at IKAG, by the way. I think she would want to write to you, but I don't know if she will. The thought is there, I'm sure.

I love you, mom. I hope you have a great day today.

     I hate you. There, I said it. I hate you. I hate you for what you allowed that man, my own father, do to me. I told you over and over what he did. You saw the bruises on my face, and all over my body. And yet, you still did nothing. I get he was a cop Mom, but he needs to be stopped. You already have one broken daughter, don’t let the other one break too.

     Did you ever notice that I stopped talking? The only ones that heard me talk were Katie and very few people at school. I completely changed, but you never noticed. You were too busy being drunk, or doing a half-assed job at work. I decided that if you weren’t going to listen, that if nobody was going to listen, I would just stop talking.

I miss you. I know it’s been a couple years since I’ve really let myself even think about you--this year I obviously didn’t shake it off so easily. I just want you to know that I’m sorry. For... blaming you because you didn’t do things for me that you weren’t capable of. I understand now. I really wish that you could just know that. 

I also know that you’re proud of me. No matter how fucked up you were, I knew. I still do. [Her handwriting has become progressively more and more sloppy, small drips from where her knuckles held the neck of a bottle beginning to stain the margins.]

That’s all I can say. See, suddenly I don’t feel it anymore.  I love you, Ma. I always will. 

You know...I look up to you more than anyone else in the world. Dad calls me mini-you. He thinks I’m going to end up being just like you when I get older. Which is fine by me. There’s no one else I’d rather be like. I hope to be as successful as you...to be as kind and loving as you. 

I know you’re disappointed in me, for hurting Sophie for doing that...I know you think I screwed up royally and I’m sure I did. I want you to know I’m doing everything I can to make it up to her, and to make things better...just like you wanted. Just like I needed. I hope I get to see you soon--and you can teach me whatever other new things you’ve learned as of late. 

I miss being around you and father quite a lot. I miss being at home despite saying I hated it as a child. I never really did. I was just always...a bit confused about how I fit in. That’s not to say that you and father avoided me, or didn’t love me, I just never understood what I was supposed to do. Even after becoming a debutante. 

I don’t miss that part of life though, of having to act so prim and proper growing up to appease those women. I never had to act like that around you unless I was in training.  But that’s not why I’m writing you. I’m writing you to tell you that despite everything thats happened in my life, despite the time, the distance or anything else...I love you so so much. I hope to come home and see you soon. Maybe I’ll even bring my girlfriend...but only if you promise we don’t have to have a formal dinner just because she’s coming over....kidding. I know how much you love those. 

I hope you have a wonderful day mom, 

I know growing up you were really busy, you were trying to not just take care of me and my brothers, but to do your actual work job too. You’re an amazing, strong woman. You somehow managed to stay happy and take care of us despite father not being around. 

You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I know you were worried about me for a long time, that I’d never find that thing I wanted to do, that I’d never quite fit in...but I did. I figured it out. I fell in love, I made friends and I found my passion for cooking...all because of you. You pushed me to talk to Abby, you pushed me to make more friends, to have them over and to hang out. You pushed me to cook at home and helped me realize how much fun it was. 

I owe you everything. And I love you more than anything. I’m so glad you were here to meet my children, to see your grandchildren. 

I love you so much mom.