#ifuckingwill

@shapeyoursmile , @bubbly-blonde  @gonewiththewind91 all tagged me in a SDS a while back so here is FINALLY my selfie as promised!! I look like shit, but hey - I’m alive and breathing, that’s what matters.

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Alright - so a little update. Lately things have been rough mentally and physically. I can’t get my bloodsugars the way I want them to. My relationship with food has gotten worse, which doesn’t help with good bloodsugars, and because of that my anxiety has gotten worse. I panick on a daily basis, constantly thinking about what my bloodsugar is doing, scared of highs and lows (my bg is mostly high though) My body has gotten so used to high bloodsuagrs that if my bg is in a healthy range I feel light headed, I get shaky. It’’s just my body getting used to normal bg’s but it feels horrible and doesn’t help with my anxiety problem. I told my doctor about this and he just told me to push through. It will get better, I will feel better but that needs time. Months, to be exact.

I have diabetes for 13 years now, I got it when I was 7. I was just a kid. My mother would do everything so I didn’t really feel ‘sick’. Everything changed when I went to high school. Suddenly I was that ‘weird kid’, and I didn’t want to feel left out so I just ignored my disease. My bloodsugars were horrible, also I think that that was the time I started binging. When I went to college I (finally) realised that if I continued this unhealthy behaviour that my life wouldn’t end healthy and happy. From then it went on and off. There were times were everything was great and my bg’s were good. And there were days that I just didn’t care about my health. 

Dealing with new long-working insuline, trying to find a good ratio (counting carbs, how many insuline I need) I’m thinking - shit I’m going to deal with this for the rest of my life. - And then I hit me - I never accepted my disease. And that makes me feel so fucking depressed. I never really talk about it with my friends, even though they accept it, know about it and support me (in some way) but I never really open up about the mental aspect. 

So yeah - that’s whats been on my mind lately. That’s why I was gone from tumblr for a few weeks, I was just done with everything. Being diabetic is a 24/7 job, it never ends and that sucks. But, we are fucking strong. That strenght that is in me somewhere is what got me through, hoping for better days. Sure, there will always be good days and bad days in a life of a diabetic but shit - this really needs to stop before I really let this disease control my life. I have diabetes, Diabetes doesn’t own me.