#idminsoo

with @idminsoo at the rooftop garden of their hotel after kbs showtime in chile, early in the night.

when aroon told his parents he would be traveling to chile his mother made him promise he wouldn’t drink too much wine. too much calories, his mother said, too much potential for getting drunk and becoming a pr disaster, his father said. he is a good son, so he promised not to drink, but the promise is broken within his first few hours past the event. 

he feels on edge and like drowning all at the same time. this was supposed to be a special night, being given a special stage for his song is not something small, performing it with hyuk instead of san should make everything even better, but it doesn’t. they are not like before, there is something if not broken then cracked between them. so aroon decides to distract himself in the best way he can: in the company of other people.

enter ha minsoo.

theirs is an easy friendship, aroon likes easy things. he thought they’d hate each other, or minsoo would hate him, after that argument at the new years party, but now as they sit together, wine glasses in hand and a soft jazz song playing in the background aroon feels comfortable. if months ago this seemes impossible now it feels natural to talk to minsoo, laugh over simple things together.

“and then they told me i had forty minutes to come up with a bridge, so that’s how dramarama ended up that way,” aroon says, takes a sip of his wine. it’s a pleasant night, the place is not too crowded, no one cares about who they are, everything is good. 

minsoo looks different, or maybe it’s the santiago night that changes him so much; the way he acts, relaxed, a bit more confident than usual, makes aroon smile. minsoo has always been like this, he remembers from their trainee days, always walking around as if he carries a secret far too heavy for his own heart. maybe he does, aroon doesn’t know, they spent so much time apart many things must have changed now.

“hey, ha minsoo, i’m talking to you.” because it’s obvious minsoo is not paying attention to a word he is saying. aroon looks at him, at where he is looking. oh. he takes another sip of his wine, licks his lip, watches as minsoo still stares at him. he knows this look very well, has seen it on other boys’ eyes before, and it never fails to make aroon feel better about himself. he is attractive and he knows it, perhaps his biggest flaw.

at a different time, in a different situation, maybe aroon would get up and leave, say he needs to be somewhere else, that they are friends and he doesn’t want to ruin it, they barely started talking again. but he doesn’t want be alone now, thinks minsoo feels the same. so instead of walking away aroon leans closer, staring at minsoo.

it’s late, too late. and between the hours of midnight and dawn is when the haunting begins. hanbyul needs out; he needs @idminsoo.

seconds become minutes, and minutes become hours. hanbyul lies down a little after one am to the sound of water running through pipes, and hushed music from his phone. the screen illuminates his face, hurts the eyes that have been wide awake for almost twenty hours. he rubs at one, presses one knuckle on the inner corner of one eye and waits for the dry discomfort to ebb. it takes four seconds, and he blinks. distorted words regain their shape. condition solid but meaning? more vague lyrics. all pretty prose that makes little sense to anyone else but him, he imagines. he closes the notes app then stares blankly at his homescreen of his cats. all three of them. (it used to be him and ellie---used to be. times changed.)

but some things do remain the same. 

hanbyul wonders if minsoo is awake, too. if he’s lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. memorizing every crack. every shadow made by blinds and the silver of the moon. he shouldn’t call him... shouldn’t bother him if he is asleep, but he has a feeling minsoo won’t mind. this won’t be the first conversation at four am. and it won’t be the last. by now, it’s almost habit. when thoughts are too loud, minsoo becomes his outlet. his shoulder to lean on. his pair of ears to listen to him. even when hanbyul might not make any sense. even if he’s blabbing about everything and nothing at all. 

so, he finds minsoo’s contact and waits for the rings to punctuate on speaker. hanbyul taps his fingers on his knee to the beat, even humming to himself as he waits. the room becomes less dark, but it’s empty all the same. a tv at one corner he rarely uses and a desk at the other. then his bed, her side untouched. no dip. no rustle of sheets. no airy breathing. this isn’t minimalism but loneliness. 

german. in chess: an obligation to make a move. see also: aroon and @idminsoo

sometimes aroon wishes he was a bad person, someone who has no problem destroying others. someone like oh taeho, like ryu san; selfish, who takes and takes and gives nothing in return. sometimes aroon wishes he used his words to their extention, he wishes he hurt people for sport, because he is smart and he knows he can. he always had quite the talent to use words instead of fists, of letting them cut deeper than swords.

but he isn’t like this, not really. he is selfish to an extend, yes, greedy and with a deep need for attention and affection, and perhaps it’s because of this he reads the text message and replies instead of blocking the number. it’s minsoo, he said, as if he had the right to text aroon after that scene at the party. as if aroon wanted anything to do with him. he didn’t. he doesn’t.

except he does, because minsoo promises an apology and aroon loves when people crawl back to him, it gives him a sense of importance he doesn’t have at all, makes him feel loved and desired. it’s awful, how much he will give up on himself for the promise of sweet words – or, in this case, an i’m sorry.

so minsoo texts him and aroon texts back, and they talk and decide on a day and a place and aroon goes. he shouldn’t, because minsoo doesn’t deserve that, but aroon loves to be needed and they were friends years ago. or something close to it, minsoo was always quite distant and aroon had other people at the time. hyuk and dax always kept him busy in the friendship department.

still, they have history, a past, something. and aroon is not a bad person, if minsoo wants to apologize and wants closure and whatever else aroon can give it to him. he grabs a coat, a mask and leaves, tells the others he will meet with a friend, he will be back later, ignores the curious look hyuk gives him, ignores how it makes him feel.

it’s cold by the river, but aroon likes it. it was the thing he liked the most when he first moved, the cold. bangkok was always warm, even during winter, and aroon always preferred the lower temperatures. it’s easy to spot minsoo, a loner figure under a street light, face turned away from him. it’s the thing he remembers the most from minsoo, how he would never look at aroon. their eyes would meet in the mirrors at the practice room and minsoo would look away, making aroon smile.

back then he was too focused he didn’t know what that was about. now, years later and an awful argument at a party later, he has a good idea.

aroon pulls down the black mask he has to his chin and hides his hands in his pockets as he approaches minsoo. he wonders how shady they must look meeting like this, wonders if minsoo weighted the pros and cons of meeting with him in public like this instead of at some private place. what did he say? don’t drag me down with you. and yet here is. now that the party has come and gone and aroon still has a career, isn’t being kicked back all the way to thailand because he likes men maybe minsoo is having second thoughts about his words. maybe he will be sincere. maybe they will move past this and become friends or at least acquaintances. there are too many variables and aroon hates it, hates the maybe, maybe, maybe. in some way this is for him too, to be able to put the subject to rest.

( through the shelter of smoke, noah meets a star ; @idminsoo. )

noah locates tranquility under the pitch black of night. but in a city as populated as seoul, it is never too dark. there are never too many shadows to hide in, to thrive in. he finds he doesn’t quite adhere to the spotlight. doesn’t belong in it. however, he has no choice but to stay, linger, ghosting from one place to one another. he doesn’t remain idle anywhere too long. always on the move.

on the prowl for beautiful faces. not to taint, no. that doesn’t entertain him anymore. finding a body to warm his bed. no, he doesn’t do that anymore. for some reason he isn’t relatively sure of. noah doesn’t dwell, either. won’t allow worry or concern fester when he ought to be enjoying himself. and with a thick bottle of booze almost empty, he is having slight fun. or... at least he isn’t sulking.

there is commotion afoot.

an uninvited guest caught in the herd of livestock.

while he shouldn’t find it funny, he does. his sense of humour is about as fucked as everything thing else about him. whatever. might as well make light of heavy situation. nothing can be done. he sips to that, looks over the streets of seoul with that. positive thinking curses less.

the rooftop is a safe haven for now.

less crowded. less troubled. less synthetic. there is beauty in the silver-linings. or noah has watched too many films again, and the reality reminds him of one: the ballroom scene in the titanic perhaps? unbeknownst to any of them that tragedy will strike. the after party parallels the bliss of ignorance and the trauma of catastrophe. he coughs a sound between a snort and a laugh.

out of the corner of eyes stands jack but not really. handsome. smoke drifts and not due to the cold. noah finds himself staring, admiring the mar of plume around the man. like an old movie. in arrives the main character: the camera slowly pans to the protagonist. everything is black and white as smoke frolicks in a steady ritual.

he’s seen him before. minsoo from nitro. hasn’t gotten many opportunities to speak with him. although, noah may have missed all if any.

this can be a beginning.

@idminsoo, koala.t building

Erin bounded through the Koala.T building, popping into every practice or meeting room she could find. Her presence was rarely appreciated, but she didn’t mind. She was on a mission; nothing was going to get in her way. She was going to find a Nitro member. She wasn’t particularly picky about which member — any of them would do, really. She just needed to find one. She narrowed her choices for the showcase down to two songs, both Nitro songs. If she could just talk to a member or two, she could get some insight into the songs and decide which one was best for her. 

Truth be told, Erin hadn’t been particularly familiar with Nitro’s music before she came to Koala.T. Sure, she’d hear their songs on the radio, sometimes, or see them on awards shows when she would do backup dancing for HER.oine, but they mostly flew under her radar. Most boy groups did, to be honest. But Erin had scoured Nightmare’s discography for something she could work with for the showcase and came up empty handed. It was all too dark to speak to who she was, or even what kind of artist she wanted to be. So, she turned to Nitro and XLNC. 

XLNC’s music was good, but again, not very Erin. It felt like a blessing from the heavens when she found, not one, but two Nitro songs that felt like the kind of music she’d want to put out. Just Right and Shine were both upbeat, happy and goddamn infectious. They practically screamed “this song was meant for Erin Yoo”. All she needed now was a little bit of advice on what to choose, along with some guidance on how to stage the first part and she was set. Erin knew she was on the verge of having this showcase thing in the bag. She wasn’t going to stop until she got what she needed.

Finally, Erin caught sight of a Nitro member: Ha Minsoo. True, she’d never actually spoken to him before, but that wasn’t an obstacle for Erin. She could make friends with a sack of flower. And seniors were supposed to be helpful, weren’t they?