#idff

Niall knocked lightly on the guest bedroom door. The cold metal handle burned against his palm- the same one that Ginger only touched moments ago. He heard nothing from the other side of the barrier and hoped Ginger hadn’t somehow left. He pushed the door open quietly and in the curtain of light that flooded the room, Niall noticed Ginger sitting with her knees pulled to her chest as she stared at the edge of the bed. She was dissociating again.

It was a small piece of lint on the corner of the blanket that lined the bottom of the bed that Ginger focused on when her thoughts consumed her. She feels like she hasn’t blinked in a while, and her vision starts to blur at the horizon of her eyes. What was she doing? She had taken it way too far. How could she do this to her cousin?

It was Niall sitting on the bed and cupping her arm to pull it away from her body that shook Ginger back to the reality that she had created.

“What’s up with you?” Niall asked, clearly frustrated- his brow furrowed and lips sank in. Ginger shakes her head and looks away as she feels the tears fall down her face. Guilt blankets her like frost on a cool morning; she couldn’t shake it.

“Why me?” Ginger finally asked. “Why me? Why not Stella or Hailee or any other girl? Why fucking me?” Ginger’s voice shook and her body trembled as Niall’s eyes made contact with hers. That was something she liked about him- he made eye contact with her, but in this moment it made her soul set on fire.

“I dunno honestly,” Niall’s voice fills the room as he sighs. He isn't going to apologize for any of this. “I tried to not like ya, Gin, but you walked into my life like a breath of fresh air and I was drowning. I fought it for a long time, but you...were this light,” Niall shrugged his shoulders, “in a room full of darkness. I don’t know, but I fell for ya, and I won’t take it back.” Ginger shook her head and pulled her arm out of Niall’s gentle grip and scooted her body up to the head of the mattress.

“Stella…”

“Who cares about Stella? God, I wish her no ill will, but Jesus Gin, I’m over her. Have been. I want ya. Only you.” Niall sighed as he felt anger boil in him. This was a fight he knew he had to face, but Ginger was forcing him to use weapons of mass destruction. “Just because I’m not like some fuck boy back home doesn’t mean I can’t feel for you.”

“Fuck you Horan.” Ginger snapped her anger at the mention of Daniel overpowered her and she wanted to let everything out. “I’m not some slut that you can parade around or am I some fling you date for a few months just to get a story. I’m your best friend. You’re like a brother to me. Do not cross that line.”

“It’s been crossed, honey.” Niall stood and began to pace the room. He wanted to prove her wrong because she was. Ginger was neither a fling or a slut. She was, in Niall’s eyes, the love he desperately wanted- the one where he dreamt of as long as he could remember. “Do you not trust me enough? All you have to do is jump and I’d catch you or is your daddy issues too much to bear?”He saw the clenched fists and tight lined lips. He saw her chest go red and her breathing accelerate.

“Get out you piece of shit. I want you out of the room. Out of my life. You do NOT throw things in my face when I told you those in confidence. Fuck you.” Ginger threw the pillow at Niall, missing his face by inches but her anger overwhelmed her and she wanted him to hurt. “You want this? You want my anger and resentment towards you. Well, here you fucking have it asshole.”

“God I’ve been so fucking patient with you for a year almost and this is how I get treated after I open up. This is how my patience is repaid. God you fucking frustrate me to no end, but I want you. All of you. Even your stubbornness. God,” Niall laughs to calm his anger, “I really fucking love you. Any other time I would have left. I’m trying to communicate and here it is: a fucking mess.” Niall walks to the door, his hands firmly grasping the knob. He jerks the door open and after waking through the doorway he looks at Ginger, whose tears have left her face stained and blotchy, become dissociative again and this time he wouldn’t pull her out of it.

~~~~~

Niall slamming the door causes Ginger to jump. She breathes hard as she tries to contain her anger- to pull it back in. She instantly regrets yelling at Niall, but his argument hurt her to her core. She had spoken of her dad’s infidelity to Niall in confidence, not to be used against her in a war on their relationship.When Ginger found out that her dad had cheated on her mom multiple times with the same woman, and yet Pennie stayed with Jack through every fling. It was what made Ginger admire her mother so much- to fight for what and who she loves.

Niall was right. He had been patient with her. Out of the stories he had told her about his past relationships, Niall knows he doesn't communicate well and loses his patience easily, but for the last year, Niall has been pursuing her more often than he should have been: the longing looks, the lingering touches, and the conversations that lead to wondering. He had been there, waiting for her to pick up the hints that it was her that he wanted. And that he stayed with Stella to be close with Ginger because she knew that once they broke up, Ginger would never see Niall again. And that made all the difference.

It was 3:24 in the morning when Ginger creaked the door open to Niall’s bedroom. His soft snores take up the darkened room and the sound pattering rain in the roof give Ginger the confidence she needs to make this right. She closed the door softly and tiptoed across the cold wood floor, trying only to wake Niall when she wrapped her arm around his naked torso after climbing into his bed. He jolts awake and he stretches his body before turning to face Ginger. “Ya okay, darling?”

“You’re bed’s much nicer than mine.” Ginger shifts into the crook of Niall’s shoulder as he lifts his arm up to let Ginger in. He begins to mindlessly run his fingers against Ginger’s skin making goosebumps appear. Her heart was in her throat and she felt like vomiting. The last time she admitted this she had gotten her heart shattered. She swallowed and Niall began to drift off to sleep before she spoke.

“I love you.” Niall’s body relaxed as if he was holding a breath he didn’t know he had. His heart pounded against his cavity-his mouth became dry and he wanted more than anything to take Ginger here and now, but she wasn’t ready.  She still had a long way to go before she was ready for such affection. But saying those three words took an invisible and unknown weight off her shoulders as if she knew along that she did love him, but she pushed her feelings aside for the sake of her own sanity and for Stella. 

Here and now, she was honest with herself and Niall...and it was nerve-wracking and she wanted nothing more than to cry because the last time she said those words to someone that meant so much to her was years ago and Daniel used Ginger’s feelings to get what he wanted. He kissed her forehead as her hand glided up his chest feeling the soft hair tickling her skin. 

“Thank you for being so patient. I don’t know why or how, but I’m willing to jump if you’re the one to catch me when I do.” She coaxed her head up and cupped her hand against Niall's jawline, the cool metal of her ring stinging his hot skin. Niall smiles, wholeheartedly. He wanted his happiness to implode the universe, for everyone should feel like this. He was on top of the world. He leaned his head down and felt the softness of Ginger’s lips and the sweet taste of fruit on her tongue. This kiss was more than just a reconcile, it was a year’s worth of feelings and admittance thrown together. It left her gasping for air as she felt like flying.

Ginger wanted to lay here in this moment for the rest of her life. She wanted to wilt away in Niall’s embrace and spend the rest of their own reality with only them. 

Until she couldn’t. 

~~~~~~~~~

The screaming match ensued as Ginger, sitting on her bed, listened for the muffled voices coming from the backyard. All of the pinned up anger, frustrations, and not seeing eye to eye that coursed through the year and a half that Stella and Niall have known each other was spewing out in vile words and tones. It was Stella that was mainly quiet so the only voice Ginger hung to was Niall’s. 

She felt empty inside as the two continued the fight. She thought of taking a shower to get her mind off the two downstairs but the thought of leaving the sanctuary of her room crippled her. This was all Ginger’s doing. She told Niall that she loved him and it was the truth, but she wasn’t expecting Niall to break up with Stella the day she got back from New York. 

He was, without a doubt, laying it on thick that he didn’t want to be with Stella anymore, and she sat silent as a ghost. Ginger pictured Stella sitting on the cement stair looking up at Niall with a lost look. She was holding in her feelings, not letting Niall see her vulnerable, whereas Niall wore his heart on his sleeve. Even in the running water, Ginger still heard Niall’s booming voice. Hopefully, the neighbors wouldn’t call the cops for a disturbance. 

Ginger sat on the edge of her bed with her pajama shorts and a t-shirt while her curly red hair dripped down her back. She wanted to know every word that was said. 

“You never appreciate the things I did for you. You used me for Instagram likes and sex. What the fuck, Stell.” Ginger’s heart hurt for both people. Niall had been hurt by Stella’s love language. Ginger knew that Stella was quality time and gifts, but when she tried loving Niall in his own love language, physical touch and words of affirmation, she came across cold and bitchy. Ginger remembered the incident on Valentine’s Day. Niall had brought both Stella and Ginger a bouquet of flowers. When Ginger thanked Niall for the roses, she had put them in a vase in her room, however, Stella stood there in the living room and watched Niall sit down on the couch and begin to hum a love song. 

“Why did you get her flowers?” Stella’s hand clenched around the stems of the red flowers. 

“Stell, she’s got no one but us today. Just thought it would be nice, ya know? C’mere, it means nothin’,” Stella held onto the flowers and walked over to Niall whose open-armed stance was overwhelming. She knew Ginger had been single for years, and she wanted Niall to show her what a good man was like, but not without distance. 

“I hope she doesn’t read too much into it. She hasn’t gotten laid in months,” Stella’s voice cut through Ginger who was standing at the top of the stairs. Her heart dropped when she read the handwritten note that Niall had snuck inside the dozen roses: “With all my heart, you make me want to be better.”

It was the slamming of the front door that pulled Ginger out of her memory. She swallowed hard as her phone began to ring. It was Niall.

“Hell-?” 

“Do ya want to be with me? Yes or no?” Niall asks, his voice is hard and rugged. He was still angry. Ginger opened her mouth to answer, but she didn’t know what to say. Did she? “It’s a simple answer, Ginger. Yes or no?” Ginger knew Niall was losing his patience. He was angry and frustrated and now that he's let his feelings lose after being bottled up, they were running rampant. “Because if not, I’ll go back in there and fix it. I’ll do what I have to just so I can be in your life. I can’t fucking,” Niall begins to cry and his voice shakes as he tries to suppress his emotion. “I can’t fucking lose you. I just can’t.” There, in a moment, Ginger wanted everything to work out between her and him, but the fear of the unknown, of the uncertainty, of the possible heartbreak left her feeling numb. “Your silence is answer enough.” Niall cut the call and Ginger crawled into bed as she began to cry.

Stella opens Ginger’s bedroom door and crawls into Ginger’s bed. She wraps her arms around her cousin as her back faces her and begins to cry- this being the first time she’s shown emotion since the beginning of the fight. Stella sniffles as she feels her heart finally break. And it’s a realization that Ginger finally comes to that Niall has hurt both girls. 

“We’ll be okay,” Stella finally says, her voice trying to soothe Ginger. Ginger knows Stella doesn’t realize why her cousin is crying, the real reason being that she let a guy get in between them, but it only makes Ginger cry harder. “I’m sorry for putting you in the middle of this.” Ginger holds her breath. Stella didn’t do that- Ginger did. Ginger rolls over and gently pets Stella’s brown hair out of her tear-stained face. 

“I’m sorry too.” Ginger wipes her face and sits up as she clears her throat. “Do you want something to drink? Water? Wine?” Stella nods her head and Ginger leans down and kisses Stella on the temple. She makes her way down the stairs and hunts down the bottle of wine in the fridge and no glasses. It was when she walked into her room that she found Stella, on her knees, scrolling on her phone with a furrowed look on her face. Ginger’s heart begins to race and her mouth feels dry as Stella turns Ginger’s phone toward her and there are all the encrypting texts between her and Niall.

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