#idamar

“Mother?” he asks quietly, turning around. 

And there she is, right in front of him, as real as the ruins that surround them both. His memory of her is blurry like a smudged painting, but still he thinks that she looks exactly like when he saw her for the last time. She’s even wearing the same black jumpsuit. 

“Do you know how much we were afraid of you?” She turns her initial statement into a question. “We only wanted an ordinary child to love and raise. But you could move objects with your mind. You guessed our thoughts with unsettling accuracy. You talked about things that no little boy could possibly know.”

She steps toward him, her red eyes burning in her pale blue face. “You were tainted, Relu. There was no place for you in the Ascendancy. There was no place for you in our family. It would have been better for all of us if you had never been born.” 

She takes another step, and Relu can’t move away. She tucks a loose strand of hair behind his ear and lightly brushes his cheek in the process. Her fingers are as cold as the icy caves of Hoth.  

“At least we could get rid of you and pretend that you don’t exist,” she adds calmly. “It’s a relief that we won’t have to see you ever again.” 

Relu stumbles away from her. He can’t reply, not with a lump in his throat. 

She’s not real. It’s not real, he tells himself, but the words don’t sting any less just because they are supposedly uttered by an illusion. Deciding not to pay attention to her, Relu walks away and she doesn’t follow.

“Did you ever realize that I befriended you out of pity?”

Another voice, this time Relu identifies it immediately. He knows that he is going to see Xala even before he turns his head. And sure enough, there she is, scowling at him. 

“You were such a lonely little boy. So quiet, so well-behaved, so sad. I saw you in the temple and thought ‘What a pitiful thing, why is he even alive?‘” She pauses, and her brown eyes darken. “So why are you alive, Relu? What good are you to anyone? Force knows, you have always been a useless friend. You were never there for me when I needed you. And you might think that you’re a better Jedi than I am, but you just got lucky. We both know that you’re still that pitiful thing, you only learned to hide it well.” 

Relu starts walking, there is no use in listening to her. It’s not Xala. It’s not Xala, but he can’t help but feel that the real her could have said something similar. 

She cries out behind his back. “You can fool everyone else, but not me! I look at you and I see nothing!”

He walks faster. He doesn’t stop to pay attention to his environment anymore, he only needs to keep going. If the ruins have finally responded to his presence, then he must be on the right track. 

“You disappoint me, Barsen’thor.”

Relu knows that he shouldn’t linger, but it feels like his legs stop moving against his will. He turns to the sound of another familiar voice, wincing when he sees Grand Master Satele Shan. She stares at him with heavy condemnation in her eyes when she speaks again. 

“I shouldn’t be even using your title because you are not worthy of it. I had such hopes for you. I thought that you would be the guiding light of the Order, but look at you now. You have strayed so far from what it means to be a Jedi. Did you think that the Council would never find out?” 

She turns her face from him with a pained shake of the head, as if she can’t bear to look at him. “I know everything you have been hiding from us. How you didn’t even try to save the Children of the Emperor, murdering them in cold blood instead. How you stopped using the shielding technique because you are afraid that it will kill you, as if your life is more important than your duty. How you have become obsessed with a Sith.”

Her accusations echo loudly around Relu, but she leaves him before he can run away from her first. He’s irrationally tempted to hurry after her and try to explain. Maybe it’s not too late, maybe he can still earn absolution. But then he remembers where he is. And so he continues his journey. 

He wonders what―or whom―he might encounter next. He thinks that now he’s ready for everything after the shock of the first illusions has subsided. And then he hears quiet sobbing. The sound reminds him of how he comforted Nadia Grell after her father’s death. 

“I trusted you,” Nadia approaches him, her tears flowing down her cheeks. “My father trusted you. I wanted to be your padawan because I thought that you were a good man. But it turns out that I never really knew you. There’s this dark thing in you, it frightens me. I wonder how no one else sees what you’re truly capable of. You’re...” She trails off, choking on her sobs. “You’re not our hope, Master. You’re our destruction.”

Relu covers his mouth with his hand. The worst part is that he has no counterargument to offer. The only thing he can do is continue moving. These halls can’t be endless. There has to be something there, something important enough for the darkness of the ruins to become so defensive. But he doesn’t get too far from Nadia before another figure manifests in the shadows in front of him, barring the next passage. 

“Poor delusional Relu, do you really believe that I love you?” 

Merkara smiles at him, but her eyes are sharp enough to cut transparisteel. Yellow eyes, not gray. Yellow like molten gold. 

“What is there to love?” She looks him up and down, measuring his worth, and her lips twist with disdain. “You’re just a broken shell of a man. Sure enough, you seemed interesting and intriguing from a distance. Now that I have seen you up close, I am not impressed. You have nothing to offer me.”

She walks up to him, takes his chin in her hand and digs her fingers into his skin, forcing him to look her in the eye. 

“I am one of the most powerful people in the Empire. I can have anyone I want. Why would I want you?”

Relu can’t force himself to push her away because his emotions keep telling him that it’s Merkara. He can’t hurt Merkara. Not even when her beautiful face is a picture of delighted malice. So he just steps back, hoping that she will let go of him. And she allows him to slip away. 

She keeps smiling as others appear around her. At first it’s just the people Relu has already met here ― his mother, his first friend, his Grand Master, his padawan. But this small crowd continues growing, and Relu recognizes every newcomer. His father, Master Yuon, the rest of his crew. The members of the High Council, Tai Cordan, Gaden-Ko. Suddenly, there are too many people even for such a spacious hall. They don’t speak, they just stand there, glaring at him. Their faces reflect an array of similar emotions ― aversion, contempt, disapproval. Loathing. Fear. 

Relu closes his eyes, takes a breath. He wanted to get to the truth and now he’s got it ― what does he have to complain about? It’s just a different kind of truth than he expected. When he opens his eyes again, his dismay hardens into grim determination. 

“If this is how you intend to make me leave, you will have to do better,” he says to the darkness of the ruins, staring at the crowd of familiar faces. “So far you haven’t shown me anything I don’t already know.”