#icsmtidc

"if the money wasn't coming

then all the people here would leave"

our society is so genuinely money hungry and driven, we've made money such a huge thing that its confusing to see who stays to stay and who stays for money.

i genuinely fear that everyone around me is staying for something, either it be money or my body or to kill time

if i lost everything that made their perception of me then everyone here would've left already because everyone is greedy and thats how it is.

"do you know how hard it is to stomach

that they'll toss you out whenever they please?"

relationships.

no matter how hard it is to stay, they always end up leaving. its not their fault at all but its so surreal seeing how much history can be thrown away like that.

even now, its a constant question of am i even worth anything to anyone besides from the persona i put on myself.

my most vulnerable self is not enough for anyone. im always exploited or abused one way or another.

"i'm a commodity, an oddity

my high school friends won't talk to me"

im not a normal person.

ive always grown up with something that would be considered odd, either it be my interests, hobbys, ect.. it will never be enough.

i know that the friends i made in highschool now are ought to leave as soon its over. even now, im slowly drifting away from everyone.

i appreciate their company when they want to be there, just sometimes feels like its me reaching out and i hate it.

"in all honesty, it's probably

'cause i'm in a place they want to be

but it costed me almost everything"

the concept of jealousy is so strange to me.

i constantly get people leeching off me or using me, almost like they want to be me, not in the narcissist way but in the way they don't know themselves so they find themselves in me.

strange analogy, i know.

but even with all the money, studies, friendships, love in my world, i've struggled through it all.

i don't know why exactly im a role model, i've risked almost everything to get to this point and im genuinely scared of falling behind.

"i'm so blasé about everything

'cause I'm scared to show I'm not confident

i'm incompetent about all of this"

im so scared to show how i genuinely am.

its not with a group of friends, its with everyone. i put a facade that everything is fine or that everything in my life is exactly where i want it to be.

its not.

i act like nothing bothers me because im scared to speak up for myself truely and tell everyone what i think about myself.

i genuinely think i am the worst person i know on this planet.

"i gave you all that I had to give

now I'm throwing money in a spiral"

everyone around me stays for some reason.

my only solution is to throw money around, spending money on them so they stay. making sure they're fed and they get what they want despite me being in debt.

i don't know if this is love or a curse.

"'cause we both know 'bout how it goes

we've heard this story many times before

"he was too young, he's up too much""

i feel like my life story is always going to be something so typical and tragic.

i let people dictate my life either it be close by or distant and yet it means so much to me.

im so scared to fuck up even more because perceptions change.

i don't wanna live up to what people already call me, a whore, a gold digger, a "cheater", a manipulator

i try so hard to block it out.

"now he's sleeping on a tour bus

full of people that he don't know"

im not sure if this makes sense but

i feel like im drowning into society sometimes, having to keep up with the norm whilst pretending i know everything.

its tiring trying to act perfect.

"after everything, he finally gets to go home"

i don't have a place that truly feels like home except my bedroom.

i can find the concept in people but very rarely will it feel like they want to be relied on.

i don't want to drive them away so i've learned to bottle and throw away everything.

maybe this whole thing is an outlet.

"alright go ahead, continue the story

so he was so obnoxious

and he's like, "inside, leave those dogs there"

and i was like, "Okay

but will you just make sure that they don't like, jump out?"

"just stop talking lady, i will do my job"

he's like, "they're just little dogs, just leave it alone, go inside"

so i go inside and he comes in behind me

and he's like

"make sure she doesn't go anywhere

i'm gonna go and search her car"

and i had already said to the woman, i'm like

"i'm a bit nervous 'cause my dogs are in there

what if he likes opens the door and they jump out?"

and she goes, "she's a little bit concerned about her dogs"

and he's like, "oh, for god's sake

they're just little dogs, i'll deal with them"

and i'm not exaggerating, he goes off

and he turns back so he can make sure that i can hear it

and he goes, "i'm going to be some time"

and i'm like thinking to myself

"oh my God, he's going to find all the drugs"

that's truly a riveting story i, um, ha-ha (i thought it was funny)

no, it's good, it's good, it's good (yeah, whatever)

sorry, love ya, bye

okay this whole part is just dialogue but its still something to relate too.

telling stories, not for attention but just as an outlet to say im not boring.

either it be stupid ones or something that is morally interesting, im not saying them to get attention.

its so they think im interesting and not leave.

i dont think its working.