#ican't

So the conclusion was for Kya kind of obvious. 

Lin was cheating on her. 

No matter how hard Kya tried, she couldn’t get this out of her mind. 

The sun started rising and Kya was sure that she won’t be able to fall asleep again. She sat on the edge of their bed and yawned loudly. Suddenly, she heard a noise coming from their terrace. 

She frowned leery and walked to confront whatever made the noise. She yielded the curtains up and gasped. 

“I have nearly attacked you, I thought you were an intruder!” Kya threw away the water she was bending. “What are you doing here, it’s freezing! You’re literally shaking!”

Lin took a blank look at her wife. Kya approached her and put her hands on Lin’s shoulders. She budged vaguely. 

“Let’s go to bed, honey. Did you get any sleep tonight?”

She shook her head. 

“Oh dear” Kya laid her hand on Lin’s back.

“Kya… I can’t.”

Her eyes were glistening with tears. 

“What are you talking about?” she was truly bothered.

“I can’t sleep. Everytime I close my eyes I can hear his cold, steely voice, I feel his hand touching my forehead, Kya I…”

Kya cradled her, gently stroking her head. 

“I was so scared.”

“She was struggling with the memory of Amon for so long, why didn’t she tell me?” she wondered. “I nearly accused her of cheating on me,” Kya realised with mixed feelings of fear and shame.  

“Don’t say anything, I got you” 

Kya guided her to the sofa and let Lin put her head on her shoulder. She covered her in a soft blanket and clasped her delicately. She did everything she could to make her wife feel safe and loved. As soon as Lin closed her eyes she fell asleep, Kya couldn’t imagine how exhausted she had been. 

And when she woke up it was nearly noon. Kya’s hand was still on her shoulder. 

That was the first time in ages when she slept peacefully.

“Thank you, Kya, I love you.” she whispered silently while her eyes were still shut. 

Another explosion shook the battlefield, fire and debris shooting up into the air. Their men crowded each other, chaos overcoming what had once been so orderly.

Then there it was again: panic, helplessness.

“Rex, hold the line!”

“Yes, Commander!”

Ahsoka wove through the troopers, everything a blur of white and blue. They weren’t in a circle anymore. The droids had swarmed them, and they were retreating, making a crowded and disjointed blob, which was quickly becoming fractured.

Her master was far out in the field now, cutting down droid after droid, and using the Force to toss them into each other, push them away. But he was tiring.

“Ahsoka, a little help!” he cried, desperation injecting into his voice.

Heart beating frantically, breathing much too quick, she leapt over some droids, trying to get to his position.

Pain flared in her shoulder, and then her leg, and she plummeted towards the hard ground.

She cried out as she fell.

“Ahsoka!”

Distracted, Anakin had just taken a hit to his abdomen, and had fallen to his knees.

Help, the bond seemed to say, even as she felt his worry for her. But the blaster bolts hadn’t hit anything vital, and had mostly grazed her. Still, she had a hard time fighting as she got back up, the pain slowing her down.

HELP.

“I can’t!” she cried. “Master!”

Explosions shook the ridge, and gunships flew towards their position. But Ahsoka couldn’t feel relief. She couldn’t see Anakin. Where he’d been was nothing but flashing lights and smoke.

Ahsoka took a hit to the back of the head. All went black.

~~~

Adrenaline spiked through Ahsoka so suddenly and with such force that she felt like her chest was going to burst. That’s what woke her.

Blaster fire. Anakin crying for help. The explosions.

“Master!”

Before she knew what was going on or where she was, she was sitting up, reaching for her lightsabers—they weren’t there. Hands held her down.

“No, no! Get off me!”

“Commander.”

Rex?

Ahsoka blinked, beginning to take in her surroundings. She was on their battleship, in her own room in the med bay. Rex and Fives were holding her where she was uninjured, keeping her steady.

A fierce ache raced toward her skull and up through to her montrals, particularly the one on the left. Her shoulder burned, as did her leg.

“The—the battle,” she said. “What happened? Where’s Anakin? Did he make it out?”

“He’s being seen to,” Fives answered. “Now, Commander, you should really lie back down.”

Ahsoka tried to brush them off, but her vision began to swirl, and everything blurred.

For the second time that day, she lost consciousness. The last thing she remembered was Rex lowering her back down, and medicine being injected into her upper arm.

~~~

This time when she woke up, she hurt less, and was in less of a panic. But instead, her body felt heavy, and numbed, the back of her head cold.

Probably a chill pac, Ahsoka realized as she took in her surroundings. Still in the gray and stark cleanliness of the med bay. And this time she was alone. She was warm, at least, but then she winced, tiny pinpricks alighting in her body, and she realized she was under a shock cloth. It would help her, but... she had to go find Anakin.

Ahsoka pushed off the shock cloth, and immediately missed its sturdy warmth. Shaking slightly, she left the bunk they’d put her in, and all but fell as she put weight on her right leg.

Right.

She’d been shot.

Looking down revealed that a medpatch covered part of her leg where her clothing had been torn through, and under that she wouldn’t be surprised if there were mechnosutures.

Great.

A quick exam of herself showed the same for her left shoulder.

Ahsoka held herself up by gripping the bunk, and as dizziness swarmed her, somehow seeming to plunge through her entire body so that nausea began to overtake what strength she’d thought she had, she looked for anything that she could use as a crutch. She hadn’t been left any; probably because she wasn’t supposed to be out of bed and mobile.

Too kriffing bad.

She spotted an IV pole across the room, and limped/dragged herself to it. Then, gripping it in a sweaty palm, she went to go find Anakin.

How badly was he hurt? He was alive still, that much she could sense. But would he stay that way? Was he even conscious? Would he blame her for what had happened?

Perhaps his blame didn’t matter because all Ahsoka could feel was a stone in her stomach from the knowledge that she hadn’t been able to help him, that she’d let him down.

It didn’t take long for her to find Anakin—he was in the room next to hers—and when she did, she saw that he was unconscious. He was burned and bloodied, but had been cleaned up as best as could be managed. Some medpatches were beginning to have a pink tint to them, and she wondered just how deep his wounds went. He lay under a shock cloth, and an oxygen mask was over his face.

Ahsoka nearly collapsed at the sight, and it had nothing to do with the damage to her body.

She went to him, and fell before his bunk.

“Oh, Master.”

She reached to take his hand that had fallen out from under the shock cloth, but then she realized that was bandaged too.

Tears pricked the corners of her eyes as she stared at him. And stared.

Oh blast, this was her fault. All of it. She’d left his side, she hadn’t noticed the enemy surging towards his flank, and she hadn’t been able to reach him to help him. She’d gotten hit in the head of all things! How pathetic. She wasn’t just some regular soldier, or someone fresh out on the field. She was his Padawan, and yet she’d let him down.

“Master, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean...”

She cut herself off as he coughed, and then his blue eyes blinked open slowly. Despite the medicines he’d surely been given, they were still clouded with pain.

“Master?”

He reached up to remove the mask from his face. Ahsoka wanted to stop him, but she didn’t know where she could even touch him. Where wasn’t he injured?

He groaned, but managed to do so.

“Ahsoka, I’m fine.”

“No, no. Look at you!” she argued. “You needed help, and I couldn’t help you. You could’ve died!”

He coughed, let out another groan, and then murmured, voice rough and breathy, as if each word caused pain, “I’m—fine—Snips.”

“Stop lying. You’re not fine. You’re— Oh, how could I have let this happen?”

“You did what you… could.”

“No, I didn’t! I listened to my fear, my pain. I could have saved you, I could have—”

He reached out with his injured hand and weakly grasped her good shoulder. “You couldn’t have,” he murmured.

She bowed her head, and felt tears begin to flow.

Of course. She’d failed him, and he thought so too.

“Anakin, I’m sorry.”

“It’s… alright, Snips. It’s alright.”

Ahsoka didn’t believe that, couldn’t believe that. All she remembered was her failure, her weakness, lying on the ground as she screamed, I can’t!

She had failed him. His injuries were proof of that. Even her own were.

“You—have—to—forgive—yourself—Snips.”

She nodded, vision blurred as more tears fell.