It's Complicated - Chapter 8
Niall couldn’t help but to be hurt by Zayn’s actions. What had he done that was so bad? He had been trying to help him, he’d been trying to be there for him. Niall realized it was probably because he had saved him. He had saved Zayn when he tried to commit suicide, and that was why he was upset. But wouldn’t Zayn have gotten upset earlier? Maybe it was just now that he actually realized what he had done. Niall honestly had no idea what to think. Other than saving him, he couldn’t think of anything he had done.
So, it hurt. Even still, Niall got up out of the bed. He wasn’t going to touch Zayn if he didn’t want him to. “Zayn... what did I do?” He asked quietly. Niall didn’t know if Zayn would even want to tell him what he had done wrong. “All I want to do is fix it. I’m sorry, for whatever I did...”
There was silence. Zayn didn’t answer, so Niall finally continued. “I don’t want you to push me away.” He mumbled. If Zayn pushed him away, then there was no way he could help her. Of course, he wouldn’t give up, but what could he do if he wouldn’t let him do anything? “If you push me away, then I can’t do anything to help you. You realize that, right?”
Zayn swallowed thickly at Niall’s tone of voice. It wasn’t exactly harsh, but it wasn’t the friendliest tone he’d ever used with him, either. “It’s better this way.” Zayn finally whispered, her back still to Niall. He turned his head just slightly, enough so that she could see Niall out of the corner of his eye. “It’s better that I push you away. Because right now, if you were to leave me, you wouldn’t have left me after knowing everything. I wouldn’t blame you if you left me right now. I’m your problem, remember?”
Niall shook his head, biting his lip. So he did remember the suicide note. Of course, that wasn’t exactly something you could forget. He hadn’t been going to mention anything about it, but since he had brought it up, he decided it was alright to talk about it. “You aren’t a problem.” Niall said softly.
He looked down, thinking back to when he had found Zayn. How when he’d read the suicide note. The little words he’d murmured to him after reading it. “You aren’t a problem to me, at all. I don’t know what Harry’s problem is, but I want to be here. I want you to be here, on this earth. Since I want you here on this earth, me taking care of you isn’t a problem.” He said softly. “After seeing you like that... I don’t know if I could leave you.” Harry admitted honestly.
Zayn swallowed thickly. The words were quiet, gentle, and they sounded honest. The honesty and sincerity in his voice made Zayn want to believe him. Made him want to tell Niall that it was okay for him to touch him, because he really needed the physical contact back. But he couldn’t do that. Niall would just end up leaving him once he got used to the physical contact again. “But you can’t always stay with me.” He whispered. “You have to go back to Liam.”
The words made Zayn’s stomach twist and her heart clench. Just mentioning Liam did that to him. Of course, Liam was still his best friend, but now Zayn couldn’t help but to be jealous of him. He got love, and Zayn didn’t. Zayn didn’t deserve love, though. Nobody loved the suicidal guy. Who would love somebody who was mentally crazy? He didn’t deserve love. Liam did, because she was normal. He wasn’t fucked up, like Zayn was.
Niall sighed quietly. Zayn was right. He would have to leave eventually. “But I won’t be leaving you.” He said softly. “Even if I’m not here physically with you, I’ll still be here with you. I’m always just a phone call or a text away, you know that, right?”
Zayn’s breath hitched. He had secretly hoped that Niall would tell him he didn’t have to leave. It had been just a slight hope, but it had been there. Of course, that wasn’t realistic. He needed somebody to love him, and that wasn’t Niall. “You can go, Niall.” He whispered. “I don’t want to mess anything up with your relationship. I know he was upset because of the media, and the rumors they’re spreading about us. So, I don’t want that to happen again. You can go.” It was just an excuse, but at least it was a somewhat legitimate excuse.
Niall sighed again. He was afraid to leave Zayn, especially while he was in the hospital, and when he was so suicidal. But what was he supposed to do? If Zayn didn’t want him there, if Niall was somehow hurting him, then wouldn’t it be best for him to leave? But then Zayn would think that she was left alone, and would become even more depressed and suicidal. Niall finally shook his head, “No, I’m not leaving you yet. I’m not going to leave until I’m sure that you’re not going to try anything else.”
Zayn gave a small little whimper. Niall was going to leave once he was better. Then that would mean that he would sink back into depression again, once he left. He would have pulled himself out of the bottomless pit, only to stumble and fall into it again. He shook his head, “If you stay until I get better, then you’ll leave and I won’t be better anymore.” Zayn paused, “Actually, I’ll probably never even get better. So, there’s no point in you staying until I’m better, because then you’d be staying for forever.”
Niall sighed. He knew he wouldn’t be able to stay forever. “Well, I’m still not leaving you yet.” He said firmly. “If I left you, I would bug you constantly.” He let out a little laugh. “And if you decided to not text me back, or not answer one of my calls, I would come over. So, no, I’m not leaving.”
He sighed. “Fine, then.” Zayn said quietly. He finally turned over on his other side, so that he was now facing Niall. He gave him a slight smile, which he replied to by giving him a gentle smile. “Thanks, Niall.” Zayn finally said quietly, looking down and biting his lip.
He gave Zayn a small grin. “Of course.” After a second, he moved from the chair that was next to Zayn’s hospital bed to perch himself on the edge of the bed. He didn’t move any closer, not sure if Zayn still didn’t want Niall to touch him.
He finally relented, scooting closer to Niall. He didn’t say anything, just gave the little gesture that it was okay for him to touch him. Niall gave him a soft smile, laying on his side and pulling Zayn closer. He tucked Zayn into his side, one of his hands rubbing his back gently. “You’re okay.” Zayn said quietly.
Zayn gave him a slight smile. “Thank you.” He said again quietly. He was trying his hardest not to think about the future, and about how Niall would leave her. He was trying to focus on the present, and the fact that Niall was there for her right then.
Niall was about to respond, when suddenly Zayn was gripping his shirt tightly. “Are you alright?” He asked quietly. Niall’s cheek was resting on his head, so he wasn’t looking at Zayn.
When there was no response, Niall quickly looked down to Zayn. He looked pale, and his eyes were unfocused. He was dizzy, that much was obvious. He was really out of it, which was why he hadn’t answered. Suddenly he was back, just for a moment, and he gave a slight whimper.
“Zayn...” Niall whispered, his eyes widening. He was getting worried. Something was obviously wrong, but what was it? He was debating on pressing the call button to get a nurse in there.
He turned to grab the remote to press the call button, but before he could actually do anything, Zayn gave another little whimper. Niall turned back to him, not able to do anything before Zayn’s mouth opened and he was throwing up everywhere. Niall’s eyes widened, and he quickly smoothed Zayn’s hair back. He saw tears starting to fall down Zayn’s cheeks, and Niall shushed him gently, “Hey, hey, it’s alright. Just let it out.”
The room was spinning, and by the way he could feel that his face was hot, Zayn knew his cheeks had to be a deep red. He was embarrassed, and ashamed. If he had any clue that she was about to throw up, Zayn would have pulled away. But it had just come out of nowhere, and now suddenly here they were, Zayn throwing up all over Niall’s chest.
When he finally got done, the tears kept falling down his face and he pulled away from Niall, eyes wide. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” He kept babbling, hands going everywhere as he didn’t know what to do with them. Zayn didn’t know if she should be trying to clean Niall up, or if he should be calling a nurse to get Niall a change of clothes, or what he was supposed to be doing. Zayn was panicking, and that much was obvious by the way his heart monitor’s beeping was loud and fast.
Niall was trying to calm him down, but Zayn wasn’t even listening to him. He knew he wouldn’t listen to him until it got all cleaned up. It wasn’t like Niall had brought an extra shirt with him, because neither of them had expected to end up in the hospital. So after thinking for just a split second, Niall just took his shirt off, crumpled it up and threw it to the side of the bed. He hoped that once it was out of Zayn’s sight, he would be able to do more to get it out of his mind.
He took Zayn’s face in his hands, then leaned back over the side of the bed where he had put his shirt. Using his shirt, he lightly wiped his mouth, then put the shirt back on the floor. “Zayn, listen to me.” He said in a gentle, soothing tone. “It’s okay. I’m not mad, I’m not upset. You’re okay, alright? You couldn’t control it, I understand.”
Zayn sniffled and leaned forward, pressing his face into Niall’s bare shoulder. He was so embarrassed, he couldn’t believe that he had actually just thrown up all over Niall. “Oh my god... I’m so sorry...” Zayn kept mumbling. His tears were hot on Niall’s shoulder, as he clung to him.
Niall had his arms wrapped around him, rubbing his back and shushing him gently. “You’re okay, mate. I promise. It’s okay. I’m not mad, I’m not upset, and I’m not leaving you. Alright?” He said softly. Niall pressed a kiss to Zayn’s forehead, tilting his head up so that he would look at him. “I promise you, I’m not leaving you.”
Zayn nodded, and he tried to slow his breathing down. It took a few minutes, but he finally got his heart monitor to slow down, along with his breathing. Tears were still falling from his eyes, but they were a lot slower now. There was only one every so often now, instead of a constant stream of tears. “I’m going to try to sleep.” Zayn whispered.
Niall nodded, “That sounds like a good idea. If the doctors come in, I’ll ask when you can leave, yeah? Hopefully you’ll be able to leave today. I’ll get you back home, and get you back in your bed, all safe and sound.” He said quietly.
Zayn nodded. “Alright.” He said softly. “When they come in, make sure you also ask if they can give you a shirt or something.” Of course, Zayn didn’t mind that Niall was shirtless. But if the paparazzi got in there somehow, they would have a field day at the fact that Niall was laying in a hospital bed with her, shirtless.
He gave a soft smile. “Of course.” Pressing a kiss to Zayn’s forehead again, he pushed a piece of hair back from his forehead and continued to rub his back lightly. “Just try to get some sleep.”
Zayn didn’t say anything more, just cuddling closer to Niall. It took a few minutes for him to fall asleep, but when he did, he was out like a light. He looked more heartbreakingly innocent, pale, and fragile than he ever had before. “Good night, Zayn.” Niall whispered, even though he was already asleep. “Sweet dreams.”
