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Fooly Falls: A FLCL Christmas in Gravity Falls

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It was a cold and snowy afternoon in Gravity Falls. As Christmas was fast approaching, naturally, everyone was getting hooked on that holiday feeling as decorations were hung up, presents were wrapped, carols were sung, and kids eagerly awaited the arrival of Old Saint Nick. But for three kids in particular, this afternoon, they were sent on a mission to find a perfect Christmas tree to bring home for the holidays.

"Come on, Gwen, I wanna see the trees!" Deep in the snow-covered forest of Gravity Falls, Gwen Pines, her younger brother Tyrone, and their cousin Arnold ventured through the white-colored woods in search of a Christmas tree. Gwen, wearing a pink winter coat and a blue pine tree cap on her head, much like what her famous father once wore at her age, had her nose stuck in a navy-colored book with a silver pine tree symbol on it. Tyrone was busy bouncing up and down in his snowpants and sweater courtesy of his aunt Mabel, and Arnold was quaking in his designer orange parka and boots while nervously looking around for trouble.

"We should be getting closer any second now." Gwen said while taking a break from the journal to check whether they were getting closer. "Arnold, anything you see?"

"Nothing but trees and snow for miles, Gwen." Arnold stuttered, both from the cold and from his anxiety. "And none of them are the tree we want! We should just turn back now and go to the tree lot. I'm sure Wendy can call in a favor from her cousin."

"No way, Arnay, they say the perfect Christmas tree has to be around here somewhere." Tyrone said to his socially awkward cousin. "Legend has it that whoever finds it will be blessed with the most amazing Christmas ever for the rest of their lives! Doesn't that sound exciting?!"

"Yeah, but the journal also says that tree demons are lurking around here." Arnold pointed out by taking the journal from Gwen's hands and showing a page on tree-like monsters to Tyrone. "And if we somehow make them mad, they'll make us pay with our lives!"

"Calm down, Arnold; the tree demons won't try to kill us or whatever," Gwen said, taking her journal back and tucking it in her coat. "Now come on, boys, we don't have all day." As she turned to continue her search, the two boys took a moment to talk.

"Even five months after you-know-who crashed our summer and we saved the world, it still feels weird seeing Gwen not be perpetually emotionally distant from us." Arnold commented on his cousin's growth in confidence since the eventful summer they had earlier that year.

For most of the trio's childhood, Gwen wore a mysterious knit cap she found as a seven-year-old girl that suppressed her emotions, forcing her to become emotionally withdrawn from her family and friends as she quietly became paranoid about what the future held for everyone. Now, after a mysterious frenemy from Gwen's father's past helped her overcome that paranoia, Gwen had quickly grown back into a bright, gentle, and self-confident young lady like she once was as a child, and her family couldn't be happier even if it came at a significant cost.

"I like the new Gwen!" Tyrone exclaimed cheerfully. "Though I guess she's technically the old Gwen now back for round two, I guess. You still wrapping your head around that?"

"Come on, boys!" Gwen called for the duo as she got further away. "We're getting closer to the trees!"

"Oh my goodness, coming Gwen!" Arnold stuttered as he tried to race after Gwen through the thick layer of snow surrounding them until he accidentally fell face down into the snow. "Uh, little help here?"

"Don't worry, Arnold!" Tyrone yelled as he grabbed Arnold by the hips and hoisted him up. "Lumberjack genes, activate!" he declared while carrying his cousin over his shoulders. "Gonna have to thank Leia later for taking me to the gym with her."

When the three kids got deeper into the forest, they eventually found an entire grove filled with mighty pines towering over them. This had to have been the place where they could find the perfect Christmas tree, but now all they had to do was find the right one to bring home. The trees around them were big and small, short and tall, with earthly colors brightening up the pure white forest around them.

"So if the trees are this perfect, I'm going to assume there's a catch." Arnold commented as Tyrone planted him back on the ground.

"What kind of catch?" Tyrone asked before looking around for the tree they wanted to bring back with them. "Surely it can't be anything too serious like, 'if you pick the wrong tree, you will become a tree,' right?"

"Says here that if you hurt any of the trees, you will be punished for it," Gwen said, once again looking through the journals. "I'm going to assume they mean if you do anything other than chop a tree down."

"Hopefully, the punishment won't be too severe," Tyrone said. "I don't want to be turned into a tree! Then how am I going to unwrap my presents tomorrow?"

"Guys, over there!" Arnold yelled while pointing to a small, pathetic-looking tree with crooked branches and pine needles that fell off easily. "Man, should this even count as a tree? Looks more like an upright stick to me."

"Ah, come on, Arnie, it's not so bad." Tyrone replied optimistically while pulling a red ornament from his pocket and shining it against his coat. "This little green one here seems to need a home."

"Hm, I don't know, Ty." Gwen said, tilting her head as she contemplated the little tree. "Arnold's right. I'm not sure if this can even count as a tree."

"Don't look so down, guys; I don't think it's such a bad little tree." Tyrone disagreed before hanging the ornament on the tiny tree. "Maybe it just needs a little love." Suddenly, as if to prove Tyrone wrong, the tree bent over from the added weight of the ornament, much to the three kids' shock. "Oops. Good grief."

"We killed it!" Arnold yelled in despair. "AUGH! Now, what are we going to do?!" Suddenly, the earth beneath the Pines children began to shake, and the trees started rustling in an unsettling manner. "Oh no, that better not be what I think it is!"

"Stay behind me, boys; we might have tree demons coming for us!" Gwen declared as she pulled out an axe to defend her brother and cousin. Suddenly, a pair of wooden arms burst from the ground beneath the tiny tree, causing the three to turn around and discover the tree they thought they killed was merely resting on top of the head of a humanoid tree-like golem glaring at them with disgust before he took Tyrone's ornament off his head and crushed it in his hand.

"You three have chosen poorly." The tree monster boomed, his voice reverberating throughout the forest as an army of trees with scary faces carved into them surrounded the kids. "And now, your souls shall become one with my tree demon brethren, as have all the mortal fools who tampered with my trees!"

"I knew it; we're gonna get turned into trees!" Tyrone said brightly before he realized what he just said. "Oh no, we're gonna get turned into trees! Everybody cheese it!" Grabbing Arnold by the wrist, Tyrone immediately ran for the Mystery Shack while Arnold screamed as loud as he could at the tree demons pursuing the trio.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, UNCLE DIPPER! HELP US!" Arnold wailed in horror while the tree demons marched ever closer to the kids.

"You shall pay for disturbing my slumber, humans!" the king of the tree demons roared as his tree stump feet stomped loudly toward the kids. "And now, we shall devour your souls!"

"Guys, I can see the Mystery Shack!" Gwen exclaimed as she saw the tourist trap once run by her late Great-Grunkle Stan in the distance. "Just need to get a little closer!"

"Your fate has been sealed!" the tree king roared before he suddenly got an arrow to the knee. "WHO DARE STRIKE ME?!"

"Hey, King Oakthur! Stay away from my kids!" Gwen and Tyrone's mom, Wendy Corduroy-Pines, said after firing an arrow from her crossbow at the tree golem. "Dipper, Mabel, Stan, now!"

"On it!" Wendy's husband and the siblings' father, Mason, better known to everyone as Dipper, replied as husband and wife worked together to fight off the tree demons while Dipper's sister Mabel and the ghost of their Grunkle Stan protected the kids from harm.

"Hey, Ghost Grunkle in the house!" Stan declared before passing through a tree demon and giving the monster a nonexistent wedgie. "Can't catch me!"

"Grappling hook!" Mabel yelled as she tied two tree demons together with the rope of her grappling hook. "Hey, you two would make a cute couple. Want I should grab a mistletoe?" One of the tree demons gave the other a look, causing the second to blush.

"Whoo, go, Mom and Dad!" Tyrone cheered for his parents while Arnold was about to scream from the harrowing experience he had just had.

"It's okay, Arnold, just breathe into my hat." Gwen tried to calm her brother down and offered her hat as a makeshift bag to hyperventilate into. Instead, Arnold decided to scream as loud as he could. "Well, that's one way of doing it."

Meanwhile, Dipper and Wendy were locked in fierce mortal combat against King Oakthur for the fate of their children. "Seriously, man, it's Christmas! Do we have to do this every year?" Dipper asked the king of the tree demons. "Just let our family go so they can spend the holidays together without having their souls drained and shoved into your tree monsters."

"Either leave my fam alone, or you'll have another thing coming," Wendy replied menacingly while brandishing her axe. "My dad's a manly lumberjack, and you don't want to piss him off."

"Wait, you are the scion of Daniel Corduroy?!" King Oakthur gasped before taking a knee in recognition of Wendy. "My apologies, young lady. I didn't realize he had grandchildren. My men and I shall make ourselves scarce posthaste."

"Aw man, but I really wanted to eat someone's soul!" one of the tree demons groaned in disappointment. "What was the point of even chasing those kids anyways?!"

"Enough whining. Let us return to our sanctuary." King Oakthur declared as he prepared to leave, only to notice Mabel turning the two tree demons she tied up together into a couple. "And you two, less kissing and more leaving!"

"Well, that went easier than I expected." Arnold sighed in relief as the older Pines congratulated each other on a job well done. "But we still don't have a Christmas tree to put up in the Mystery Shack."

"Don't worry, Arnold, we got a fun adventure out of it!" Mabel replied cheerfully before presenting her hands, now covered in splinters. "Check it out; I'm all covered in splinters!"

"Can someone get the first aid kit?!" Dipper cried for help, trying not to move too much as he and Wendy were also covered in splinters.

--

"Ow!" Dipper yelped in pain as his enemy turned girlfriend turned sister-in-law Pacifica Pines gently removed each splinter from his body with a pair of tweezers in the Shack's living room. "Could you be a little gentler, please?"

"I'm going as gently as I can!" Pacifica complained while listening to Dipper cry out a few more times. "Dammit, Dipper, I'm a child psychologist, not a doctor!"

"Aren't psychologists a kind of doctor?" Wendy asked while removing the splinters herself. Unlike Dipper, she didn't show that much pain in doing so, given her experience with chopping down wood. Mabel, on the other hand, tried rearranging her splinters to make funny pictures.

"That's not my point!" Pacifica sighed, removing her glasses to rub the lenses before removing the splinters from her wife. "How are the kids doing?"

"They're fine, just bummed out they couldn't find a tree," Mabel replied before presenting her left arm. "Check it out! Now my splinters say 'BEWARE'!"

"That says 'BEWARB,'" Dipper observed Mabel's rearranged splinters before turning away from the girls. "Hey, Ford, how's babysitting going?"

"It's going splendidly, Dipper! Junior loves my stories and is a good listener, too!" Grunkle Stanford Pines exclaimed in delight while bouncing his five-month-old surrogate grandson Stan Jr. Ramirez on his knee. The baby wore the fez once worn by Ford's deceased brother on his head, marking him as a possible successor to his father Soos's position as owner of the Mystery Shack. "Now then, would you like to hear about my encounter with the Control Devil next, or maybe my battle with that dastardly Davros and his Daleks?!"

"Santa." Stan Jr. babbled while slightly drooling on Ford's pant leg.

"I know you're just as excited for Santa as we are, little one," Ford replied. "but if you promise to be a good and patient young man, then he'll bring you many presents tomorrow!" Just then, the old man and the baby heard some loud stomping followed by a jolly "HO HO HO, DUDES!" making Junior's eyes widen in delight. "Oh my, it seems Mr. Claus has come early to meet you, kiddo!"

"Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, dudes and dudettes!" Soos declared as he stomped into the living room dressed as the equally big and jolly spirit of Christmas, bringing joy to everyone in the room. Unfortunately, the mood was quickly killed as Soos made one wrong move and fell down the steps onto the carpet. "Ow."

"Dada Santa?" Junior asked as Soos got up and brushed off his Santa suit.

"No, Junior, that is simply our father dressed as Saint Nicholas to entertain us." Imelda, who was sitting down with her little sister Abby at the TV to watch a Christmas special together, observed.

"We blew it, Soos," Ford grumbled. "Our little stunt is ruined." Fortunately, Junior began laughing and clapping his tiny, chubby hands together in delight at Soos's accident. "Okay, maybe it wasn't so bad after all."

"Daw, he's just so tiny and cute!" Stan cooed with adoration at Junior. "You made a good choice naming him after me, Soos."

"Looks like this little dude is excited for his first Christmas!" Soos declared as he got up to pick up his son while his wife Melody entered the room. "Who's a merry little dude? Who's my merry little dude?" he asked Junior in a babylike voice while bouncing his infant son up and down. "It's you! It's you!"

"My my, who would've guessed Santa was so handsome in person?" Melody said flirtatiously before bringing Soos in for a kiss. "How about tonight, when the kids are snug in their beds with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads, you and I rest our brains for a little winter's nap?"

"Oh, Simone!" Soos giggled with a blush just as they heard the door open, followed by their four oldest children, Ian, Leia, Juan, and Jorge Ramirez, along with Canti the Medical Machine, entering the living room with groceries.

"We're back from the grocery store!" Ian exclaimed while setting down a big frozen turkey on the table. "We tried to find as much food as possible before the last-minute shoppers took everything. You would not believe how many mashed potatoes they took!"

"And check it out. We even snatched up some figgy pudding!" Leia bragged as she presented a massive can of industrial figgy pudding. "We're gonna get so sick!"

"And we snuck in some last-minute gift shopping too." Jorge revealed a beautiful golden meat necklace that he gave to Melody. "For you, mother."

"Oh, that's so nice!" Melody gasped at the gesture.

"And I got this bad boy for Aiko!" Juan proudly stated while revealing a sunhat he bought for his girlfriend. "It was half-off too! What a steal!" His joy was interrupted when he realized something. "I sense a disturbance in the holiday spirit. Where's the Christmas tree?"

"Tree demons." Dipper said while Pacifica continued plucking out splinters. "Gwen, Tyrone, and Arnold pissed off the king of the tree demons, and we had to get them the hell out of dodge."

"Again?!" Juan exclaimed. "I swear, every year, we find a way to piss those guys off! We should find some other place to get our Christmas trees next year. That reminds me, where are they now?"

"The kids are playing in the snow outside," Wendy replied as she finished the last splinters, causing her arm to start bleeding. "Anyone got a lot of bandages I can use?"

--

Outside the Mystery Shack, Gwen sat on the front steps of the porch while watching Tyrone build a snowman and Arnold make snow angels on the ground. For six years of her life, Gwen had barely felt anything because she was afraid to be her true self, thanks to that old hat she found one day. But now, five months after finally accepting her insecurities and abandoning that hat, Gwen felt so many emotions all at once. Joy, sadness, anger, disgust, fear, and other assorted feelings all felt so new to her, yet at the same time, it was like welcoming an old friend you hadn't seen in years.

"Hey, Gwen, check this out!" Tyrone snapped his sister out of her daze before standing behind the snowman he built and doing his best Jackie Vernon voice. "Happy birthday!"

"Hehe, not bad, Tyrone." Gwen let out a cute giggle at Tyrone's snowman trick before returning her gaze to the gray sky above Gravity Falls. "Tyrone, have you ever felt that one day, you could lose everyone you love, including yourself, but then you discover that you don't have anything to worry about because the future is never set in stone?"

"Are you still thinking about the summer?" Tyrone asked. "Look, Gwen, summer's over. Your old hat is gone, and you can feel like a normal human being again. No need to keep persever-whatever on the past! Which is pretty ironic considering how afraid you were of the future." While Tyrone was talking, he secretly created a snowball behind his back. "That reminds me, THINK FAST!"

Before Gwen could ask why, she got a snowball to the face from her little brother, who quickly scampered off while his big sister smirked and created her own snowball to throw at him.

"Hey guys, what were you just talking about?" Arnold asked as he got up from making snow angels, only to be hit by Gwen's snowball. "Whoa, so cold!"

"Hey, Arnie, back me up here!" Tyrone exclaimed as he gathered an armful of snowballs and let his nervous cousin pick one from his bundle. "It's two against one, Gwen, what are you gonna do?!"

"Pretty big talk coming from someone within throwing distance of two snowballs." Gwen confidently said and threw her snowballs at the boys, causing the three of them to laugh joyously as their snowball fight raged on.

"Ah, this is just what I needed. A perfectly calm, normal Christmas." Arnold sighed while continuing to throw snowballs at Gwen. "Well, as normal as it can get in Gravity Falls, anyways. Absolutely nothing can go wrong today!"

As if fate was knocking on Arnold's door to remind him that nothing ordinary ever happened in Gravity Falls, the rev of a Vespa scooter could be heard in the distance, catching the children's attention as they turned in the direction of the sound. "Hey, do you smell gasoline and sheer insanity?" Tyrone muttered in surprise as a certain Vespa Woman approached the trio.

"Oh no, not again!" Arnold yelled in surprise as Haruko Haruhara began getting closer to the Pines children on her Vespa scooter, with Julia Jinyu following close behind in her Chevrolet Bel Air.

"ALRIGHT, CHRISTMAS LUUUUUUNCHTIIIIIME!" Haruko screamed as she reintroduced herself to Gwen by crashing straight into the girl and sending her flying into a snowdrift, just like how she revealed herself to Dipper and Mabel twenty years ago.

"Yo Gwen, you alright?!" Tyrone called for his big sister as Haruko and Jinyu alighted from their vehicles.

"KUROSAKI-KUN!" a dazed Gwen yelled out a non-sequitur as she woozily got out of the snow while Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Ford raced outside to see what all the commotion was about.

"What in the Star of Bethlehem is going on out here?!" Dipper yelled for the kids before he locked eyes with the Vespa Woman dressed in a sexy Santa dress, who gave him a catlike grin in response.

"Long time no see, Takkun." Haruko purred as she took off her bike helmet. "Merry Christmas!"

"Well, I'll be damned if it isn't Haruko Haruhara." Dipper smirked in reply while folding his arms. "Didn't expect to see you again so soon. How long has it been since Stan's funeral, five months? Oh hey, Jinyu's here too."

"It's a pleasure to see you all again, Pines family." Jinyu warmly greeted the Pines as she hugged Stanford. Compared to her eccentric surrogate sister, Jinyu was dressed a bit more conservatively to protect herself from the weather. Her tube top was replaced with a turtleneck sweater, a longer jacket, a warm scarf, and a different pair of leggings. "How have you been adjusting to your new normal since we last saw each other?"

"Eh, we've been slow to adjust to Stan's death and Gwen acting like a human again, but we're doing fine." Dipper replied as he helped Gwen out of the snow.

"So, what brings you and Haruko back to Gravity Falls?" Gwen asked while brushing the snow off her body. "Hopefully, your presence isn't signifying that Medical Mechanica is back."

"Eh, give it a few stories, Gwennie." Haruko foreshadowed possible events to come. "Anyways, Jinyu and I felt like celebrating the holidays with our family! The problem is, most of my family died when my planet was destroyed, as I'm sure you and Sixer are aware."

"So does this mean you consider us your family now?" Stan's ghost asked. "If that's the case, Haruko, that makes our interactions really friggin' weird in retrospect."

"Regardless, it would be wonderful if you'd let us join you for the festivities." Jinyu stated while hoisting a Christmas tree off the back of her car to give to the Pines. "By the way, here's a Christmas tree I'm sure you wanted. I checked, and it's not an angry tree demon."

"Oh, of course you're welcome, Jinyu!" Ford laughed gregariously as he took the Bel Air Babe by the hand and led her into the Shack. "Come on in; you must be cold and hungry from the long trip here! The Ramirez kids just got back from grocery shopping!"

"I am absolutely touched that you consider yourselves members of the Pines." Arnold stated. "Even if we got off on more than just the wrong foot not too long ago."

"You betcha, Arnie! Just call me your cool aunt Haruko!" Haruko proclaimed before she started dancing by swinging her hips and making laser noises with her finger guns, much to the bewilderment of her self-proclaimed niece and nephews.

"She really is Cool Aunt Haruko." Tyrone muttered in awe before Haruko ceased her dance to ask a question.

"Now, who wants to watch slides?!" Haruko yelled before leaping into the Shack.

--

"And this was when Jinyu and I took a beach vacation to Italy!" Haruko said while presenting a slide of her and Jinyu relaxing on the beach in Sardinia as part of a slideshow of their adventures together, while the Pines family and their friends helped themselves to the big jar of figgy pudding and decorated the tree. "As it turns out, Jinyu speaks surprisingly good Italian."

"Gli oceani erano belli lì." Jinyu stated in perfect Italian while bouncing Stan Jr. on her knee before Haruko moved onto a slide of her writing "KICK ME" on Jinyu's back with sunscreen. "We also may have gotten into some trouble with the authorities because someone had the bright idea of making the Leaning Tower of Pisa lean to the other side."

"Hey, you were the one who asked about it!" Haruko bickered with Jinyu before presenting mugshots of the two, with Jinyu looking more stoic while Haruko struck a pose with her placard. Haruko then ended her story of Italy before revealing photos of the two in New York City. "Here's us in the Big Apple! Unfortunately, we couldn't find any mutant turtles, ghostbusters, spider-men, gargoyles, or funny penguin spies there. But we did also run into this douchebag who beat the snot out of me with nose hairs!"

"Wait, as in, he pulled at your nose hairs?" Dipper asked while Haruko presented a slide of her getting into a bar fight with a tan-skinned man dressed in a blue shirt showing off his chest hair with a big yellow afro and nose hairs coming out of his nostrils. Also caught in the crossfires was a green-faced man with a bright yellow zoot suit and a man dressed in a red and black costume armed to the teeth with guns and swords.

"No, as in the funny nose hair man beat me like I owe him money with his nose hairs!" Haruko laughed uproariously. "Funniest shit I've ever seen!"

"So that explains why Staten Island was turned into a nuclear wasteland." Ford muttered in surprise. "I thought it was a Halloween prank or a gender reveal party gone horribly wrong."

"On an unrelated topic, how has fighting Medical Mechanica and finding Atomsk gone for you two?" Ian asked the Vespa Twins.

"Yeah, we've been taking down factories here and there, but we're nowhere near close to Atomsk." Haruko replied before switching to another slide showing the two on the moon. The slide was of Jinyu saluting the American flag while Haruko pulled down her pants to make a butt print next to Neil Armstrong's footprint. "On the plus side, we did discover that at least one part of the moon was made of cheese." Just then, there was another knock at the door. "Anybody wanna get that?"

"Oh no, the carolers are coming!" Leia cried in shock. "Quick, someone hide the figgy pudding!"

"I'll get it." Dipper said as he got up and walked over to open the door. Who he found knocking just now gave the freelance paranormal investigator a real shock. It was a tall, shadowy figure dressed in a black cloak who stretched a bony hand towards Dipper. "The Grim Reaper already?" Dipper asked before turning to the others. "Ford, I think it might be for you!"

"Tell him to wait until I die at age 92 of a heart attack!" Stanford responded before the figure pulled down his hood, revealing that the cloak was worn by a goatlike monster with red and green eyes, sharp teeth and claws, long curled horns, cloven hooves, and a long tail. "My goodness, is that-"

"Oh no, not the Krampus!" Juan yelled in terror while pulling at the ears of his elf hat. "Look, man, I can explain! We did not steal the figgy pudding; we bought that with our own money!"

"Well, did you steal it?" Stan asked, believing that Juan was lying to save his skin.

"Maybe." Juan replied nervously, to which Stan responded with a pat on the head and a declaration of "Attaboy."

"No, I'm not here to punish any naughty children tonight!" the Krampus exclaimed in a somewhat effeminate voice. "I'm here because I need your help!" The gravitas of the Krampus's plea for help was undercut by the sound of his stomach growling. "And also something to eat. You have no idea how long it took to get here!" he added. "Got any figgy pudding left in that can?"

--

"Oh yeah, oh my. This is so good." The Krampus muttered with a mouth full of figgy pudding as he sat down in Stan's chair to help himself to the holiday dessert, getting pudding stains all over his robe and his ash-black fur. "I'm gonna get so sick."

"So, did we just welcome the Krampus into the Shack and let him eat our figgy pudding?" Dipper asked as the Pines-Corduroy-Northwest-Ramirez-Haruhara family awkwardly watched from the table as the Krampus relaxed in the chair. "You're all seeing this, right?"

"And just when we thought we had seen everything." Haruko replied while eating some dinosaur-shaped Christmas cookies Canti got fresh from the oven. "So, who wants to ask him what he's doing here?"

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna back out, dudes." Soos said nervously while stepping away backwards. "Anyone else?"

"All in favor of staying far away from the guy who punishes naughty children as his job?" Ian declared, to which all but two of his younger siblings agreed.

"I'll go," Gwen said as she got up, only to notice Tyrone getting up too. "Hey, I called dibs!"

"Rock paper scissors for it?" Tyrone smiled while offering his fist.

"Uh, guys, I don't think this is a good time to play when the Krampus is in our midst!" Arnold exclaimed while his cousins began their game of roshambo.

"You know I can hear you all talk about me!" the Krampus stated angrily. "Though it's only fair you're a little wary, considering my whole schtick is being the big, scary monster who abducts naughty kids on Christmas. It's been that way ever since Santa cast me out."

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!" Gwen and Tyrone shouted and threw out their hands. Tyrone chose paper, while Gwen chose scissors, showing she won the game.

"Guess I win." Gwen said with a grin just as Soos spoke up.

"Hey, anyone seen Stan Junior and Abby anywhere?" Soos asked around for his two missing youngest children, only to slowly see Junior crawling towards the Krampus while Abby tried to bring him back. "Oh no."

"Junior, get back here." Abby whispered as she tried to keep her baby brother from wandering off. "We don't want to make Mr. Krampus angry." Unfortunately, since Junior was only a five-month-old baby, Abby's words fell on deaf, infantile ears as Junior's curiosity got the better of him. He climbed up Krampus's messy robe, crawling on the beast's lap and grabbing at his torso.

"Need something, baby?" the Krampus gave Junior a menacing hiss while holding the baby by his hips. The Pines family and their friends were ready to jump in and save Junior at any moment, but the baby didn't realize what was happening as he made one simple request.

"Fig." Junior babbled, pointing a tiny hand at the half-empty tub of figgy pudding.

"Well, why didn't you say so?!" the Krampus gave a hearty chuckle before sitting Stan Jr. on his lap and scooping up a spoonful of pudding to feed him. "Here comes Santa's sleigh, ready to make a delivery!" The Krampus then waved the spoon around while making airplane noises before sticking the spoon in Junior's mouth, making the easily entertained baby laugh in delight. "I would protect this baby with my life." Krampus muttered in awe of how quickly Junior welcomed him.

"Unca Krampy!" Junior giggled happily.

"Junior!" Jinyu, Imelda, and Abby cried as they raced to Krampus to collect Junior.

"Oh, thank goodness, you had us worried sick, young man." Jinyu sighed in relief while resting the baby against her chest to burp him. "I think you've kept us waiting long enough. Why are you here, and what do you need our help for?"

"Heard the news lately?" Krampus said as he pulled out a radio and tuned into various stations to find the one he was looking for. "Come on, come on!" he muttered, coming across radio stations dedicated to progressive and alternative rock, grunge music, shoegaze, and cheesy Christmas music before finally reaching the news. "Yes!"

"Good evening and happy holidays from your friends at Falls Radio, your one-stop shop for 24-hour news and bear rampage alerts." A radio host announced. "This is TJ."

"And the Wombat!" the cohost added excitedly.

"Coming to you with some breaking news!" TJ declared. "Santa Claus has been arrested today for numerous crimes against humanity he's been framed for and has been given the death penalty. He is set to be executed at the stroke of midnight, and all his worldly possessions shall go for sale on Christmas morning. So, if you're a last-minute shopper waiting too long to bring your family joy, now's your chance."

"But on the plus side, I won't have to tell my kids that Santa isn't real!" the Wombat declared with an unhinged laugh while stock cheering sound effects played in the background. "In other news, the Krampus is wanted across the globe for the crime of framing Santa for being a war criminal! He's been a very naughty boy, so naturally, the United Nations is offering one trillion dollars for his capture! That ought to be enough to buy your kids Christmas presents for life!"

"Did you just hear that?!" Dipper gasped in shock at the news he just heard.

"Yeah, a trillion dollars for nabbing the Krampus!" Stan exclaimed, causing the Krampus to growl at the ghost grunkle. "Isn't that great?!"

"No, no, it's not." Mabel began wailing in despair. "They're gonna kill Santa-ha-ha!" She started bawling into her ugly Christmas sweater while Pacifica and Melody comforted the girl. "What kind of Grinch could possibly do something so evil?!"

"Certainly not me, that's why I'm here!" the Krampus answered. "I need your help to clear my and Santa's names and find the real culprit behind this!" Just then, another knock at the door was heard. "Anyone want to get that?"

"We are just getting one visitor after another today." Ford muttered.

"I'll get it." Leia said before she opened the door to find her boyfriend of five months, Ezra Chiu, standing outside with a fruitcake in hand. "Ezzy, Merry Christmas!" she squealed in delight and gave Ezra a hug. "What brings you here?"

"Greetings, everyone; I have come on behalf of my mother to wish you happy holidays." Ezra greeted the family as he walked inside the Mystery Shack. "She also wanted me to deliver you this fruitcake." Now, pay close attention to that fruitcake, readers. Make sure you study it closely and remember it carefully. It might be important later. Just then, Ezra suddenly noticed the Krampus sitting in Stan's chair, covered in figgy pudding stains. "Leia, honey, why is the Krampus in your house eating figgy pudding?"

"Ezra, my boy, I think you shouldn't ask too many questions." Dipper replied. "Okay, team, assemble!"

"We've been here for the past hour or so." Mabel pointed out.

"Well, assemble better!" Dipper stated. "We need to find a way to save Santa from the death penalty and stop whoever framed him and Krampus from ruining Christmas! Anyone got an idea on what to do?"

"I have an idea," Jinyu answered while she rested Junior on her lap. "We need to kidnap Tim Allen and force him to become Santa to use as a decoy while we look for the real Santa!"

"Yeah, I'm not sure that's going to work." Haruko objected to Jinyu's outrageous idea. "Pretty sure he's working on that live-action Toy Story reboot now. Anyways, here's my idea!" She then pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary Christmas-themed snow globe from her pocket. "I got this magic snow globe off a little red monster puppet who used it to wish it was Christmas every day! Maybe we can use it to wish Santa out of the big house!"

"No, no, no, you're missing the obvious solution here!" Stan's ghost declared. "We need to go to Florida to get the help of Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn, and the Ice Cream Bunny!" Everybody gave the ghost weird looks, like he grew a parasitic twin dangling off his chin. "What? That was an actual movie filmed at some cheapo theme park in Florida. I was actually there when they filmed it and got into a drunken fistfight with Jay Clark! Quit looking at me like that!"

"Didn't the MST3K guys make fun of that movie?" Melody asked.

"Can we get back on track here?!" Dipper exclaimed impatiently. "We don't have much time! Mabel, what are your thoughts?"

"I have the perfect plan!" Mabel declared. "We find a way to Halloween Town so we can tell Jack Skellington that Sandy Claws needs his help!" Dipper gritted his teeth as he resisted the urge to smash his head against a wall before the Krampus spoke up.

"Those are some of the stupidest ideas I've ever heard, my friends." The Krampus said while holding Abby's hand. "How about instead of sitting around making references to Christmas movies, we go to the North Pole itself and look for clues on who could've framed me for framing Santa?"

"That was exactly what I was going to say," Dipper stated. "Finally, someone's making sense!"

"Hey, I make plenty of sense!" Mabel argued. "Remember when we visited Grandpa Shermy last Thanksgiving?"

"Yeah, that was the time we thought he died after he got run over by a reindeer," Dipper replied. "It was really awkward."

"But how are we going to get there?" Wendy asked, and Canti added by projecting a big question mark on his screen.

"Don't worry, everyone, I have this covered." Jinyu said as she led everyone outside to her Bel-Air, making the Krampus whistle at the car with admiration.

"A Bel-Air, nice!" Krampus complimented the Jazzmaster player. "Though I don't think it can fit all of us."

"No need to worry, Krampus." Jinyu replied before pressing a button on her key fob that allowed her car to stretch itself out and take the form of a long, blue limousine, prompting everyone to clap gently in response. "Thank you, thank you so much. Now, let's get going. We haven't got a moment to waste."

"Shotgun!" Krampus yelled as he raced to occupy the front seat next to Jinyu while everyone else got in the back, much to Haruko's chagrin.

"No fair, that's my seat!" Haruko complained to the Krampus while she was forced to sit in the passenger section alongside the Pines.

"First come, first serve, girlie!" Krampus laughed tauntingly at the Vespa Woman. "HA HA HA!"

"Okay, everyone, to the North Pole!" Dipper exclaimed before the Bel Air took off for Santa's home, leaving Gravity Falls in the dust.

--

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Mabel, Tyrone, Soos, Leia, Stan, and Haruko all chanted in obnoxious unison as the Bel-Air/limousine hybrid continued its journey to the North Pole. Despite being barraged with such annoying questions, Jinyu kept her cool as she remained laser-focused on the road ahead, while Krampus kicked back and relaxed with some easy-listening music.

"Here is where you are wrong, my friend." Juan said while in the middle of a heated debate with Jorge. "This is Jesus freaking Christ we're talking about."

"I totally get where you're coming from, but he was just a dude who was as mortal as you and I." Jorge objected. "I mean, did you think he had the power to escape being crucified?"

"Okay, whatever, but he was practically the world's first superhero!" Juan stated. "We are talking about the son of God who can turn water into wine. He could turn Frosty into a nice glass of rosé with but a touch of his holy finger."

"Oh, you are totally underestimating the power of an eldritch snow creature whose only weakness is getting wishy-washy in intense heat!" Jorge exclaimed.

"Hey, guess what? Nobody cares who would win in a crazy fantasy fistfight between Jesus Christ and Frosty the Snowman!" Imelda complained to her older brothers before turning to Jinyu. "How much longer till we get to the North Pole?"

"Not much longer, Imelda." Jinyu replied. "It's just that I can't see through all this snow. Maybe if I turn on the windshield wipers." Upon doing just that, the crew realized that they were swerving out of control, and all began screaming in terror, including Jinyu and somehow Canti, while the car flew off the road. The Krampus was the only one not paying attention as he was too entrenched in his music to realize what was happening until the Bel-Air got back on track.

"Hm, what's going on?" Krampus muttered as he pulled out an earbud, only to realize he had nothing to worry about and returned to his listening.

"So now that we had a brush with death," Dipper sighed in relief before turning to his kids. "what do you plan on doing when we get to the North Pole?"

"I want to be the first boy on Earth to sit on the real Santa's lap!" Tyrone exclaimed. "Not any of those mall Santas who are only there for the paycheck; I want to sit on the lap of the real Kris Kringle!"

"Hold onto your dreams, Tyrone." Dipper gave a fatherly laugh to his son before turning to Gwen. "And how about you, Gwen?"

"I want to feel some Christmas cheer again," Gwen said, gently clutching her pine tree cap. "After going so long without feeling any emotion other than ennui and paranoia, it would be nice to reconnect with my inner child."

"Yeah, she's been like that for a while." Tyrone added. "Hopefully, it doesn't become all she says."

"I'm just looking forward to a relaxing Christmas vacation," Arnold stated. "Hopefully, I don't get horribly maimed or sexually harassed like what Haruko did to me."

"I want to see if I'm still on the nice list." Stan's ghost answered. "That jolly old elf owes me big time!"

"Stan, you can't be on either the nice or the naughty list if you're dead." Ford added.

"Not with that attitude!" Stan said to his brother. "Just wait until you die, and you'll see my point!"

Dipper gave his dead grunkle an odd look before focusing on Haruko. "Hey Haruko, what do you think you want for Christmas? Other than the Big A, that is."

"I don't think I really want that much for Christmas because my wish has already been granted," Haruko said before bringing Dipper and Mabel in for a group hug. "I'm just so glad we're all friends again!"

"Yeah, friends." Dipper and Mabel said in unison before laughing nervously at Haruko and spotting a 'YOU ARE ENTERING THE ESTATE OF SANTA CLAUS. HAVE A NICE VISIT.' However, there was also a large stretch of tape over the sign saying 'CURRENTLY UNDER INVESTIGATION.'

"We're here!" Dipper exclaimed, relieved that the long journey had finally ended as everyone began cheering and scrambled out of the Bel Air. However, Arnold was quick to notice that something wasn't right.

"Uh, guys. I think someone might've already beaten us to the punch." Arnold observed the chain-link fence surrounding Santa's home with security officers standing guard at the entrance.

"Oh geez, the National Guard?!" Ian shouted in dismay. "I guess they must be barricading the place on account of Santa becoming public enemy number one."

"Relax, everyone; I got this covered." The Krampus said confidently, strolling up the entrance only to be met with comically large guns pointed at him by the guards. "Gentlemen, I am the Krampus. I'm here because I brought a plucky bunch of Christmas lovers here to clear Santa's name."

"Bold choice of words coming from the monster who framed Santa to begin with!" one of the guards yelled while forcing Krampus to the ground and putting handcuffs on him. "You made a big mistake coming back here, and now we have you red-handed!"

"Fellas, there's no need to be so judgmental here." Haruko tried calming the guards down. "He doesn't mean any harm; he just wants to clear his name."

"Hey, isn't that the Vespa Woman we've heard about on the news?" another guard asked. "Hey, lady, we can let you and your friends in if you give us your autographs!"

"I got a better idea." Haruko said before she started to apply some makeup. "How about I give you a kiss if you let them in?"

"Sounds like a deal." The first guard said before he suddenly got a Rickenbacker to the face, followed by Haruko smacking the other guard with her guitar. "God, I feel so blueballed."

"Eh, you probably wouldn't have gotten far with me anyway." Haruko commented before a pair of tiny reindeer emerged from the guards' foreheads as a result of the woman's assault. "Talk about compensating for something."

"Ha, I get it, because they have tiny dicks!" the Krampus laughed as he got up and effortlessly broke his handcuffs, making everyone wonder why he didn't do that in the first place. "Okay, enough mockery, let's get cracking."

"Uh, we're still gonna get that kiss, right?" the first guard asked as the Pines family and the Krampus walked towards Santa's house.

"Oh, shut up, Ted." The second guard said, utterly disappointed.

"Suck my dick, Mike!" Ted yelled back at his partner.

"I wouldn't bother!" Mike replied. "Yours is so small, you might as well not have one!"

"So is yours!" Ted argued, causing the two to go silent momentarily before sighing in dismay. "God, we need to get laid."

--

"Hello, this is Santa's workshop; you've reached the information desk; my name is Info." An obese, bearded elf sitting at the front desk of the workshop spoke into the phone. "Yes, we are still working on solving our Santa problem. No, we are not accepting auditions for replacements. Thank you, and have a merry Christmas." The elf then picked up another phone. "Hello? No, I don't want to waste all my money on whatever scam you're trying to flim-flam me into, so stop asking!"

"Whoa, this is where Santa lives?" Mabel gasped in awe as the group entered Santa's workshop. "Looks more like a weird mix of an office building and the grand staircase from Titanic."

"Hey, look, there's even an elf working the front desk." Wendy pointed out the elf working the desk and walked up to get his attention. "Uh, hey, man. You busy right now?"

"Hold on, I got a visitor." Info ended another call before turning to Wendy. "Yes?"

"Uh, we're here representing the Union of Servants to Holiday Figures 1225." Gwen made up a lie on the spot that would make Stan proud. "We'd like to speak with your supervisor about your working conditions."

"Oh no, the union?!" Info exclaimed. "Listen, man, I'm not violating regulations; I'm just an honest working elf with a wife and kids back home!"

"Naw, we're just kidding." Krampus laughed at Info's reaction. "We're here to investigate the accusations levied against Mr. Claus. Is there anyone in the building who can help us?"

"As a matter of fact, there is." Info said. "But first things first, my name is Info. I work the information desk."

"How fitting." Ian muttered under his breath.

"And I do believe I can connect you with Mrs. Claus, provided that she's currently taking a break from arguing for her husband's freedom." Info said before he started speaking into an intercom. "Helpo? Could you bring Jessica down here? We got some guests saying they can help us with our Claus conundrum." He requested. "Helpo's my secretary."

"Right away, Mr. Info." A sassy female voice, no doubt Info's secretary, replied before hanging up on her end.

"So, what are your other elves named?" Haruko asked with a snicker. "Is your janitor named Junko or something?"

"No, that's the garbageman." Info stated. "Cleano's the janitor. Speaking of which, the reindeer have been making such a mess since Santa was taken away, so watch your step, guys."

As Arnold nervously checked everyone's shoes to see if anyone unknowingly stepped in reindeer droppings, another elf that looked more like a sassy roadside diner waitress stepped into the waiting room alongside Mrs. Claus herself, who looked just as matronly and jolly as the wife of Santa Claus should be.

"OMG, it's her!" Tyrone whispered in amazement.

"Yes, it is I, Mrs. Jessica Claus." Mrs. Claus introduced herself. "Wife of the big man in the red suit himself and forever seventeen years old!"

"Oi oi!" a trio of elves chanted in response.

"You know, that joke is likely way funnier in Japanese or something." Stan commented sourly before pointing to the Krampus. "Anyways, look, lady, we're here because this sporting young man recruited us to get your husband out of dodge."

"Oh, Krampus," Jessica said as she faced Krampus. "Haven't seen you in quite some time. How have you been?"

"Hello again, Jess. I'm doing fine, thank you very much." Krampus answered while trying to be as civil as possible. "I came here with some new friends of mine to help you clear mine and Santa's names."

"Krampus, are you okay, bro?" Haruko asked the Krampus as she noticed his nervous fidgeting. "You're looking a little nervous."

"Oh, don't mind the poor dear. He and Nicholas have a rough past, is all." Jessica replied while putting a hand on the punisher of the naughty's back. "Now, who wants some Christmas dinner? You all must be hungry after such a long trip here!"

"You bet we are!" Mabel replied cheerfully. "Next time we go on an adventure, Jinyu, please pack something other than dates in the car."

"I would've had more," Jinyu said before she angrily turned to Haruko and lowered her shades to glare at her. "but someone had the bright idea of getting the munchies!" The Vespa Woman snickered mischievously while scratching her nose.

--

Later that evening, the Pines family and their friends were seated in a grand dining room to have Christmas dinner with Mrs. Claus, courtesy of some of the finest chefs the North Pole had to offer. Or, more accurately, everyone just stared in shock and awe as Tyrone wolfed down everything he was served while the elves ran ragged, trying to keep such a hungry boy fed.

"Oh my, someone's a very hungry young man." Mrs. Claus chuckled while pouring some gravy on her turkey.

"Hey, you gonna finish that?" Tyrone asked while snatching some food from Gwen's plate.

"Don't mind my son here. He just loves all those shonen manga the kids are into." Dipper chuckled awkwardly as he apologized on Tyrone's behalf. "Though I wouldn't blame him, this food is amazing! My compliments to the chef."

"Gordo would very much appreciate it, Mr. Pines." Jessica replied happily. "He runs a very tight ship. A little too tight, I must say."

--

"BAKO, WHERE ARE THOSE GODDAMN SIDE DISHES?!" the head chef elf Gordo roared furiously at one of his subordinates. "WE CAN'T KEEP SHOVELING FOOD DOWN THAT BRAT'S GULLET FOREVER; WE GOT A WHOLE FAMILY TO FEED!

"They'll be ready in a minute, sir!" Bako answered as he roasted some tater tots in the oven.

"NOT FAST ENOUGH, NOW MOVE YOUR ASS!" Gordo replied angrily before he sniffed something in the air. "Where's the lamb sauce?" he asked before glaring at another elf preparing to serve more turkey. "WHERE'S THE LAMB SAUCE?! THIS TURKEY IS BLOODY RAW!" he screamed in the elf's face. "YOU BLOODY WORTHLESS REINDEER, IT'S STONE COLD! CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!"

"Please, sir, I'm just trying my best!" the elf began crying in terror of his angry boss. "I have a wife and kids back home!"

"Well, you should be happy to know you'll see them very soon," Gordo replied in a mockingly polite tone before squeezing the elf's neck to the point of nearly choking him. "Do me a favor. Give me your jacket, AND GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!" The elf then completely broke down on the spot and curled up into a ball, sobbing his eyes out. "What a shame. That wife of yours should be disappointed at what a shit chef her husband is."

"Uh, Mr. Gordo, the salad is ready." A third elf nervously said to the boss. "And we're preparing the desserts as we speak."

"Good work Frencho, you won't be getting murdered in your sleep tonight." Gordo calmly thanked Frencho before turning to the other cooking elves. "See, mates, this is what a good chef is like! Why can't you all be more like him?"

"Wait, I won't be what now?" Frencho asked nervously.

--

"So now that we're all sitting down, Mrs. Claus, we'd like to ask you some questions about your husband." Dipper said while putting a notepad on the table and beginning to write on it. "Question number one, has Santa been involved in any illegal activities lately, perhaps pertaining to any war crimes?"

"Oh no, my husband would never do something so foul!" Jessica exclaimed. "Sure, he might've accidentally put names on the nice list who have done things that would make people on the naughty list look nice by comparison, but he's always been a jolly old soul from the day I met him who just wanted to spread love and joy to others."

"Except for me." The Krampus muttered disdainfully, rolling his eyes while taking a bite of stuffing.

"Question two, what was the last thing you remembered happening when Santa was arrested?" Gwen asked with a question of her own while putting on some glasses for no reason other than looking smart.

"That I can definitely answer." Jessica replied. "It was a week before Christmas or so. Santa and I were getting everything ready for the big night when the National Guard came in to arrest my dear based on an anonymous tip from someone who could only describe himself as a big hairy monster." The Krampus sheepishly shrank into his chair. "Afterwards, they had the whole place closed off for investigation, but thankfully, they couldn't find anything to prove Santa was guilty of whatever crimes he was accused of, yet they still insist on executing him anyways."

"Yeah, that's the government for ya." Stan said while the salads were then served. "Anywho, you know anybody who can tell us who could've framed Santa?"

"Hm, I'm not sure if they could tell you exactly, but I'm sure the elves could be of assistance." Jessica explained. "When they're off the clock, you can find them relaxing in the bar they requested we build for them at the workshop." She then pulled out blueprints showing the layout of Santa's estate, with every room from Santa's living quarters to the front desk, the dining hall, the workshop, the reindeer stables, and the bar labeled on the paper.

"Okay, everyone, here's the plan," Dipper said while gesturing to each part of the blueprint. "Haruko, you, Jinyu, Leia, Ezra, and Juan & Jorge will investigate the bar and interrogate the elves. Meanwhile, me, Gwen, Tyrone, Arnold, Mabel, and Krampus will look around Santa's office. Ford, you, Stan, Pacifica, Ian, Soos, and Melody shall go to the toy factory. Finally, Wendy, Imelda, Abby, Junior, and Canti will search the reindeer stables. Just make sure not to step in any reindeer poop."

"Hee hee, poo-poo!" Stan Junior giggled.

"Can't get enough of this little gremlin." Krampus giggled while pinching Junior's cheek, feeling his blackened heart warm every time the youngest Ramirez child laughed. "Now, you be a good boy and do not disturb Rudolph and pals. You're going to the stables for a reason."

"Yes, don't you want to see Rudolph's nose up close?" Imelda said to Junior, who babbled in delight.

"Be careful with Rudolph and his pals, children." Jessica advised the youngest Ramirez siblings. "They've been in a bit of a bad mood since Santa was arrested, so try not to make them angry."

"It's okay, we promise." Abby replied with a polite bow.

"A bar for elves." Leia snorted in amusement. "I wonder what cute, silly drinks they serve in there? Hey, does the North Pole have a legal drinking age or something?"

"Uh, Dipper, can I steal you for a moment?" Ford said, looking at Haruko's group before taking Dipper away to talk. "Look, my boy, I think putting those six together might not be the best idea. I'm sure Ezra and Jinyu can handle things fine, but putting Haruko, Leia, and the twins in one group is a disaster in the making!"

"Trust the process, Ford. I know what I'm doing." Dipper smiled before turning to the team. "Okay, everybody, meet back here in half an hour with whatever you find. After all, we only have…." Looking down at his watch, Dipper realized it was now 10:00 pm, meaning they didn't have much time left. "Two hours left till midnight?! Okay, everyone, get moving already! What are we standing around for?! GO, GO, GO!"

Everybody quickly scrambled out of the dining hall for clues about Santa's whereabouts. However, Tyrone promptly returned to help himself to one last bit of dinner.

--

"Hey man, can you hook a brother up with some peppermint Hetap?" an elf asked the bartender within the elves' bar.

"I'm gonna need to see some ID first, sir." The bartender replied before the front door opened, causing everyone to shout "NORMO!" as a rotund elf was tossed into the room.

"Uh, you okay, Normo?" the bartender said before Haruko stomped into the bar.

"Okay, you little gnomes, tell us who framed Santa or Skipbo here is gonna get it!" Haruko yelled while pointing a gun at another elf she held hostage.

"What I believe my sister here is trying to say is that we are here to investigate the arrest of Santa Claus," Jinyu added as she, Leia, Ezra, Juan, and Jorge stepped into the bar while Haruko threw Skipbo away. "We don't mean any harm; this was just our way of getting your attention."

"Wow, they really are like gnomes." Juan muttered in amazement at the elves standing before him. "Oh no, was that racist or something? It's just that I come from Gravity Falls, where there are a ton of gnomes living there."

"Gnomes, you say?" a waitress elf said. "I never had any respect for those gnomes, especially after how Schmebulock broke my heart back in '82!"

"Juan, as your older sister, I calmly advise you to shut the hell up so we don't piss these little guys off any further." Leia tried to keep Juan quiet before turning to the bartender. "Uh, hey, short stuff. Can I call you Malone-o or something?"

"Please, call me Tendo." The bartender said. "You said you wanted to know who framed Santa, huh? Well, unfortunately, I don't think any of us know."

"So we came all the way here for nothing?!" Ezra yelled in frustration as he tried turning to walk away. "What a colossal waste of my time. I could've spent time with my family instead of being led on a wild goose chase where a bunch of dwarves lead us to a dead end!"

All the elves gasped in horror at Ezra's outburst before getting really angry at him. "Oh geez, now look what you did." Jorge said to Ezra.

"What did I say?" Ezra muttered, not knowing what he was in for as the elves closed in on his group.

"You know how dwarf is an offensive term to little humans?" Tendo explained to the teenager. "Well, it's kind of the same with us, only we don't like being called dwarves or gnomes. And buddy, you just made a big mistake."

"My boyfriend insulting a bunch of elves and getting into a barfight with them." Leia smirked as she got into a fighting stance. "Not my idea of a romantic Christmas together, but I'll take what I can get."

"EVERYBODY, ATTACK!" Skipbo said in the back, and things quickly turned into a barroom blitz while the bar's house band switched from Christmas music to The Sweet's "Ballroom Blitz." Ezra made the first counterattack as he charged towards Skipbo and leaped over him with the skill of a gymnast before grabbing the elf by the shoulders and throwing him at a few kegs of eggnog.

"Whoa, Leia, you never told me your squeeze was that kickass!" Haruko exclaimed while bludgeoning elves left and right with her bass.

"Indeed." Ezra confidently replied. "My mother had been altering my genetics since birth to be an improvement of human being. At my current age, my strength, speed, and agility have all been dramatically increased to superhuman levels."

"Your boyfriend is basically Captain America!" Juan said as he and Jorge ducked for cover behind the bar and attacked by throwing cans of peppermint Hetap at the elves.

"He's way cooler than I thought!" Jorge added.

"And so yummy, too." Leia purred amorously, causing Ezra to blush in response.

"Neo salanghaneun babo." Ezra muttered in embarrassment.

"We can talk up Ezra's attractive body later; these elves won't go down without a fight!" Jinyu exclaimed before leaping into the air, revving up her Jazzmaster, and sending Tendo flying with a swing. "Hopefully, this won't turn out like New York."

"You and I remember New York very differently." Haruko replied. As the barfight continued, an aged and wizened elf watched sternly from afar, refusing to join the fight as he had his hand in a snack bowl.

--

"What is going on in there?" Dipper wondered as he overheard the commotion in the elves' tavern while he, Mabel, Gwen, Tyrone, Arnold, and the Krampus were led down the hall to Santa's office by Jessica.

"Stanford told you putting those four in one group was a bad idea!" the Krampus declared. "But nobody listened!"

"Now, now, boys, no need to argue." Mrs. Claus said while standing before the large, candy cane-colored door to her husband's quarters. "Here it is, my friends. Nicholas's office." Opening the door, Jessica revealed an immaculate office trimmed with Christmas decorations to Dipper's group. A toasty fireplace was to the gang's right, and to their left was a Christmas tree that never seemed to die, standing next to the fabled naughty and nice lists. And in the back of the room was Santa's desk, where he would receive letters from hopeful children worldwide.

"One second, guys, gonna see which list I'm on!" Tyrone said as he made a mad dash for the nice list to check for his name. To his delight, he could see it between the names 'Tommy Pickles' and 'Toby Tenma.' "Yes, I'm in! And check it out, so are Gwen and Arnold!"

"Hey, I got a question about the lists." Mabel asked Mrs. Claus. "If Santa has the names of every boy and girl who's been naughty or nice, then what about anybody who doesn't identify as either of those?"

"Don't worry, we have a special list for those children." Jessica said with a smile.

"Can we get back on topic here?" Dipper added while the Krampus gazed at the naughty list with a sad, nostalgic smile on his goatlike face. "Hey, now that we have time to talk, what's your beef with Santa anyways? You mentioned earlier that he cast you out for some reason."

"Oh yes, that." Krampus muttered disdainfully. "You see, Santa created me at the beginning of his career to teach the naughty children a lesson and hopefully change their ways. However, my methods were a little more brutal than he expected. But then, seventeen years ago, there was one particular family he thought I crossed the line with."

--

"Don't you realize you could've killed them all?!" Santa Claus yelled angrily at the Krampus after an attempt at enforcing the Christmas spirit had gone horribly wrong. "That poor boy Max just wanted his family to have a nice Christmas together, but you had to go and scar him for life!"

"Stuff and nonsense, Saint Nick, it's not like I killed them!" Krampus tried to argue with the big man. "Why can't you accept that sometimes, you have to resort to drastic measures to keep the spirit of Christmas alive? Besides, the Engel family really gave it their all against me, especially their grandma. I think I remember taking away her parents when she was a little girl."

"That still doesn't justify putting all those people in danger." Santa replied. "And one of them was a baby, for God's sake! She's too young to do anything wrong, yet you thought she was just as guilty!"

"Oh, you gotta be kidding me!" Krampus yelled back. "Fine, I don't need you breathing down my neck anymore if this is the thanks I get!" He then picked up his sack of cursed toys and began storming off. "One day, you're going to need me again. I swear it."

"Very well then, my son." Santa stoically replied before turning around in his chair to face the window behind him. "Have a merry Christmas, Krampus."

"Bah humbug." Krampus snarled while flipping Good Saint Nick off as he left his office and marched out of the workshop. That was the last Santa and Krampus would see of each other for nearly twenty years after that.

--

"Jesus." Mabel gasped in shock at the story of Krampus's broken relationship with Santa, while Jessica turned away with a frown.

"Yeah, that's one heck of a bomb to drop." Dipper added, just as shocked. "How's the Engel family doing now?"

"Don't worry, none of them are really dead." Krampus revealed. "The boy was sorry for losing his Christmas spirit, and I let them all off with a warning. I'm still watching over them to this day."

"So, if we lose the Christmas spirit, you could hunt us down, too?" Gwen asked, feeling like her previous feeling of ennui would've made her an easy target before her adventures with Haruko and Jinyu.

"That's basically it, yes." Krampus said with a heavy sigh. "You should've seen those guys, too! Like, the dad, for example, went up against this underground snow monster with only a shotgun to buy his family time to escape!"

"Hey, speaking of which, I wonder how the others are doing." Arnold wondered aloud.

--

"This predicament is lacking its usual cheer, huh? If ya ask me, Santa had it coming." Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer grumbled in a rough, raspy voice while smoking a cigar in Wendy's face. "Big red son of a bitch has been exploiting my disability for almost a century now, and not once did he call out any of the other reindeer for leaving me out of their games just because of my nose!"

"Well, there goes my childhood." Imelda snarked at Rudolph's expense. "But while I sympathize with your plight, that's not what we're here for. Do you remember anything about who really framed Santa?"

"Hell if I know." Rudolph said as he took out his cigar and let out a loud cough. "I'm more occupied with pulling his sleigh and being a good husband to Clarice."

"Cutie, are you going to take out the trash?" Rudolph's wife Clarice called out for her surly husband.

"I'll do it in a bit, sweetheart." Rudolph answered. "These humans just want to know what happened to Santa."

"Well, can you bring them the milk and cookies too?" Clarice added.

"Yes, dear." Rudolph said before turning to Wendy. "You guys want milk and cookies? My darling's cookies are the best."

"I could use a little dessert after our big dinner earlier." Wendy replied when she realized someone was missing. "Oh geez. Canti, have you seen Junior anywhere?" Canti started panicking and raced all over the stables in search of the baby, all while unaware that Stan Junior was crawling around the area to see the other reindeer.

"Hey, is the baby with you?" Donner asked Abby.

"Yep, that's my little brother, all right." Abby replied, watching Canti try fruitlessly to catch up to Junior and getting himself covered in reindeer poop in the process. "He just loves to explore."

--

"Hello, you know who framed Santa?" Soos asked a stuffed bear he picked out of the toys yet to be wrapped and delivered. "No? Alright then, dude, keep your secrets."

"Maybe one of these Good Guy dolls can give us some hints, Dad," Ian said while picking up a red-haired doll wearing a colorful striped shirt and overalls, which gave the young man a sinister look. "Oh no, I think this one might be defective."

"We'll see who's defective once I'm done with you!" the Good Guy doll laughed evilly before brandishing a knife to try attacking Ian with, only to be shoved back in his box and stored away with other Good Guy dolls. As Ian raced away in fright, the doll continued cackling while his box ominously wiggled back and forth.

"Look, guys, hear me out." Stan declared as his group investigated the toy factory. "What if Black Pete framed Santa because he wants revenge for being ignored for so many years?"

"Who's Black Pete?" Melody asked Stan before Ford got in her way.

"An unfortunate racial caricature who was ignored for very good reasons that you are too young to understand." Ford stated hurriedly while turning to face one of the elves walking around with an armful of wrapping paper. "Excuse me, little elf, could you tell us where you were when Santa was arrested?"

"The night Santa was arrested? Heck, if I know, I'm just the guy who does the gift wrapping." The elf proclaimed. "That's why they call me Wrappo."

"Okay, we get it. Your names all have O at the end." Pacifica groaned at the continuous elf names before noticing she was standing in a large, snowy footprint. "Uh, guys? You need to see this."

"Great googly moogly, a clue!" Ford gasped as he started inspecting the footprint before the group. "And how long has this snow gone without melting away?"

"One thing is for certain: the Krampus couldn't possibly have made this footprint," Ian observed the scene. "He's got hooves, and they're nowhere near as big as this!"

"Sweet. Sweet, sweet, sweet." Stan nodded in agreement before putting a ghostly hand on Pacifica's shoulder. "You got a good eye, Paz. Mabel certainly made a good choice!"

"Oh, stop!" Pacifica blushed before pulling out her phone to take a picture of the footprint. "I gotta tell Dipper and Mabel we finally have a lead!"

"That reminds me, I should also probably check up on Leia, Juan, and Jorge, too." Ian said before tapping his phone to check on his little sister and brothers. "Hey guys, we finally found a clue in the toy factory! How are things going on your end?"

"Oh, how are things going?" Leia laughed nervously on the other end. "Well, funny you should mention that."

--

"Mugen, Jin, is that you guys?" a dazed Haruko muttered as the elves tied up her, Jinyu, Ezra, and the Ramirezes. "Don't fight just yet; we still need to look for the sunflower guy!"

"How were they able to overwhelm us this easily?" Jinyu asked before the elves shut her up by shoving a Christmas ham in her mouth.

"That's the thing about us elves. They know no fear or pain. Their biggest asset is strength in numbers." Tendo monologued before the waitress from earlier opened a back door that led into the freezing cold snow outside. "This is what happens when you walk in and decide to start getting racist. You all get the cold shoulder!"

"Hey guys, listen, I apologize on my boyfriend's behalf and would like to know if there's anything we can do to make up for it." Leia asked, laughing nervously and shivering a bit from the sudden burst of cold air. "Please don't make us freeze to death! I still have so much to live for!"

"If I have one thing to say before we're turned into popsicles," Juan declared. "it's that EZRA CHIU IS AN IMBECILE!"

"Shut it, brat!" Ezra yelled back at Juan. "You were just as racist as I was by calling them gnomes!"

"On that note, I have got to learn more about the waitress's past with Schmebulock." Jorge added when he heard a knock at the door.

"What the heck is going on here?!" Dipper yelled as he barged into the elves' bar to see what was happening while the others followed closely behind him.

"Somehow, I figured Juan and Jorge would get into serious trouble." Imelda deadpanned while Canti tried to free Haruko's group.

"So, how did you guys get into this sticky wicket?" Dipper asked.

"I may have called them dwarves because I was sick of how we came all this way only not to find any clues." Ezra answered dourly. "How were things on your end?"

"We found a big footprint in the toy factory!" Soos exclaimed with his arms in the air. "We don't know where it came from, but it definitely didn't come from Krampus."

"Well, good to know that I finally have proof I'm innocent." Krampus smiled in relief. "So where do we go from here?"

"I got this, you guys," Pacifica said before tapping on Canti. "Hey, got anything to plug into my phone with?" Canti nodded in understanding before turning his finger into a USB key that he plugged into Pacifica's phone, allowing the footprint picture she took to appear on his screen so he could scan it. Unfortunately, Canti couldn't conclude who or what the footprint belonged to, much to the heiress turned therapist's dismay. "Dammit!"

"We seem to be missing something, but what?" Jinyu said, taking off her shades and scratching her chin in contemplation. "Who could possibly make a footprint that big?" Suddenly, the group heard a loud, ear-piercing screeching sound as they turned to discover a grizzled elf covered in scars, holding a toothpick in his mouth, and wearing an eyepatch who was holding a chalkboard that he scratched his fingernails against.

"You know me, know how I earn a living." The elf introduced himself to the party. "My name be Uno, the first of Santa Claus's little helpers. He and I go way back when he was but an ordinary man of the cloth known as Saint Nicholas Christopher Kringle." As Uno got up from his seat, he walked with a noticeable limp in his step, his body seeming like it had tons of stories to tell. "I know for a fact that Nick is innocent, so I shall help ye catch this beast, but it ain't gonna be easy."

"Was he sitting there this whole time?" Dipper asked. "What do you know about whatever we're up against?"

"Would you care to show me that photo?" Uno asked, and Canti nodded again before presenting Pacifica's photo to the elf, making his little eyes widen in horror. "No, it cannae be!" he yelled while dropping to the floor in shock. "That's not true! That's impossible!"

"What's wrong, little man?" Melody asked before Uno jumped up on her chest and grabbed her by the neck.

"You see little lady; this is no ordinary beast we be up against!" Uno declared. "This is an ancient enemy of Santa Claus thought to have been sealed away seventy-five years ago, but now he has risen again to exact revenge!"

"Who, who is it?" Haruko asked, her face blue with shock and horror.

"His name is impossible to pronounce without going insane," Uno answered while making overdramatic hand gestures. "but if I had to describe this mean one in three words, it would be stink, stank, stunk! This horror was once sealed away in the darkest, coldest depths of the place where Santa keeps all his spare coal! That is right, this creature resides in the SOOOOOOUTH POOOOOOLE!" Juan pulled out his soundboard app to play the sound of cracking thunder while a broken lightbulb exploded like a lightning bolt for extra dramatic emphasis.

"The South Pole?" Mabel asked. "Sounds fun!"

"Prepare to be surprised." Uno declared with a smirk.

"But that's on the other side of the world!" Dipper exclaimed before looking at a nearby clock broken from the prior barfight and gasped. "And we only have an hour left till midnight! Is there any way we can get there in time?!"

"Unfortunately, Dipper, my car is low on gas from the trip here," Jinyu said bluntly. "And I don't think Raharu can carry all of us on her Vespa."

"I got an idea!" Tyrone cried. "Why don't we take Santa's sleigh? That thing can travel around the world in one night to deliver presents, so what's the harm in using that to get to the South Pole?"

"Oh right, that." Jessica nervously said. "The government repossessed the sleigh after Nicholas was arrested, so we might be out of luck if we didn't have alternatives. Uno, if you please."

"With pleasure, Jess." Uno said with a toothy grin before pulling down a projector screen and displaying photos of an immaculate yacht and an equally refined private jet. "Before I start, let me ask you a question. What do you think Santa does on all the other eleven months of every year?" Soos raised his hand. "You in the back?"

"He gets everything ready for next Christmas?" Soos asked.

"No! Well, not quite." Uno answered. "He spends the other eleven months traveling in style aboard his private jet, the Red Nose, and his personal yacht, the S.S. Twelve Days. That is how he knows who's been naughty or nice, and they're both fueled by pure, concentrated Christmas joy that allows them to move at speeds that only the fastest land and sea vehicles could dream of achieving. Now then, which one do you fancy?"

A few pregnant moments of silence passed as the crew debated over whether to take the Red Nose or the Twelve Days to the South Pole. Krampus was the first to speak up after about a minute. "Taking the Red Nose, bye guys!" The Pines family and friends, now joined by Mrs. Claus and Uno, all raced to the yacht without hesitation and sailed to the South Pole.

--

"WHOO, CHRISTMAS POOL PARTY!" Tyrone shrieked delightedly as he raced towards the Twelve Days' swimming pool. "LAST ONE IN IS A LUMP OF COAL!" As the team expected, the Twelve Days was roaring through the oceans with Mrs. Claus as the captain and Christmas joy as fuel, meaning they'd be at the South Pole with time to spare.

"Hey, wait for me, you guys!" Arnold panted while trying to catch up to Tyrone, Juan, and Jorge and put on his water wings at the same time. "You have no idea how long it took to blow these up."

"You are literally ten, and you still wear water wings." Juan chuckled snidely before grabbing Arnold by the hips and throwing him into the pool. "Come on, man, didn't you learn to be more confident in yourself?!"

"AUGH!" Arnold wailed as he made a splash landing, getting water on Gwen, who was sunbathing on an air bed. "Oh, sorry, Gwen. Didn't see you there."

"Didn't realize Juan could throw people that far." Gwen giggled, looking towards some of the adults relaxing by the pool. Haruko laid back while drinking some peppermint schnapps, Jinyu rocked Stan Jr. to sleep, Dipper was writing in his journal about their Christmas adventure thus far, Mabel and Abby were trying to converse with a whale, Ezra was playing chess with Imelda, Canti was serving as the lifeguard, and the Krampus was also drinking peppermint schnapps while telling a story to Stan and Ford.

"And that was the end of my brief fling with Jingle Belle Claus." Krampus declared, a little tipsy from how much he drank while wearing a cheesy Hawaiian shirt decorated with holly, ornaments and sleigh bells. "I mean, come to think of it, I was technically her brother via being created by Santa, so Jingle had every right to let me down easy." He let out a loud burp before continuing. "So Stan, tell me more about that Marilyn lady you met in Vegas."

"Oh, that Marilyn, what a fox," Stan said dreamily while reminiscing on one of his many flings. "We may have been married for about six hours before she ran off with my car and all my money, but I wouldn't trade those hours for the world. Gorgeous long hair, a flagrant disrespect for authority, and a real love for causing mischief and selling junk. However, I did hear her say something about a curse under her breath. Maybe she had some kinda terminal disease, I dunno."

"You have bizarre tastes in women, Stanley." Jinyu declared.

"Oh please, you have not seen a strange taste in women until you've met me!" Ford bragged. "In my traversal across the multiverse, I spent time in a little town called Sunnydale where I became an ally to a young woman and her friends tasked with defending the town against the forces of darkness." As Ford continued talking, he began blushing with embarrassment at the memory. "However, I soon became smitten with a vampire they were supposed to kill, and things got really awkward between us. I can still remember Rupert's reaction to my affair."

Just then, Ford's awkward story was interrupted by Haruko bursting out of her chair and diving into the pool to join Gwen, Tyrone, Arnold, Ian, Leia, Juan, and Jorge in some pooltime fun. "Hey, come on in, guys! The water's fine!"

"We're gonna play volleyball, boys versus girls." Gwen said while holding a volleyball in her hands. "Hey, Jinyu. Would you like to join my team?"

"I'd be down to play." Jinyu said, putting Junior down and giving him her shades before joining Gwen, Leia, and Haruko in the pool. "Looks like we're a woman short."

"Hey guys, having fun out here?" Wendy called as she and Pacifica walked out onto the pool deck in their bathing suits, immediately catching everyone's eye. Dipper stumbled out of his chair at the sight of Wendy's toned & muscular body in that red one-piece from their brief stints as lifeguards at the Gravity Falls pool, while Mabel nearly fell overboard when she got a look at her curvy blonde wife in a diamond-encrusted bikini, only to be saved at the last moment by Abby. "Aw sweet, volleyball! Mind if I join?"

"Muscle mommy and thicc MILF, please suffocate me." Haruko muttered lustfully before regaining her composure. "I mean, sure! We're doing 5v5, boys vs girls!"

"You have fun with the kids, Wendy. I'm going to see if Mabel hasn't fallen overboard and then work on my tan." Pacifica said as she strutted towards her wife, leaving Dipper's redheaded lover to dive in and join the girls in their volleyball game against the boys.

"SPIKE!" Leia yelled as she leaped up and served the ball to make it fly towards Arnold.

"Come on, Arnie, block it!" Tyrone called out, forcing Arnold to think fast. He did his best pass, making it bounce over to Haruko.

"So, how much longer until we reach the South Pole?" Dipper asked as he got back up and sat in his deck chair to watch the volleyball game.

"Not very long, I think." Krampus replied, still a little drunk from his peppermint schnapps. "We should probably get everyone inside and bundled up once we get closer."

"Krampus, I think you might need to lay off the schnapps. I don't think you can hold your liquor." Stan tried imploring the Krampus to put down his alcohol. "Seriously, even I wasn't this easily hungover when I was alive."

"What are you, my dad?" Krampus slurred before he went wall-eyed and fell flat on his face. Above the party at the pool, Jessica, Soos, and Melody laughed at Krampus's drunken state before Uno entered the cockpit.

"Mrs. Claus, permission to speak?" Uno asked with a salute.

"Permission granted, Uno." Jessica replied while saluting back. "What do you want to say?"

"We should be nearing the South Pole any moment now." Uno said while examining a map he pulled from his pockets. "Best get our passengers inside when it starts getting colder."

"Aw, but they look like they're having so much fun." Soos moaned in dismay while watching the volleyball game from above, where Canti was now keeping score between the two teams.

"Soos, we'll soon be entering the coldest place on Earth, other than Chicago," Melody said as the girls' team scored more points. "I'm having a fun time on this voyage, too, but I got a feeling a storm might be coming." In the distance, Melody could faintly see a wicked snowstorm brewing at the South Pole, signifying they were getting close.

--

Eventually, however, as the Twelve Days approached the South Pole, everyone had to go inside and change from their swimwear to warmer clothes to survive the frigid weather. While Canti was serving the kids hot cocoa, Tyrone tried to strike up a conversation. "So guys, what kinda anime do you like watching? I'm always a shonen guy myself, and I want to be best friends with Goku so we can train and eat together all the time."

"That's cute, Ty, but I'm more of the psychological girl myself." Gwen stated while sipping her cocoa. "Lain, Evangelion, Ghost in the Shell, Madoka Magica, all of that. How about you, Arnold?"

"I'm more prone to the kinds of anime that have a calming effect on me." Arnold answered with a dead serious look on his face. "I would commit so many crimes against humanity for Komi-san and Sawako's happiness."

"Whoa, settle down there!" Ian laughed at how protective Arnold was of a pair of fictional characters. "I don't think either of them would appreciate going to such drastic measures. Anyways, Leia and I are always up for a good mecha anime, especially those that go full ham and have some fun with the big robot fights."

"Just who the hell do you think I am?!" Leia declared, pointing up to the sky with a dramatic pose, causing everyone to laugh.

"Juan and I are partial to isekai, mostly so that we can laugh at all the cliches we can find." Juan said, leaning back with his arms folded behind his head.

"How often can a generic fantasy world use RPG game mechanics?" Jorge added. "And don't even get me started on the harem fantasies!"

"I've been getting Abby hooked on magical girl anime." Imelda stated. "So far, we're already halfway through Sailor Moon, and she's just gotten started on Cardcaptor Sakura." She then leaned in to whisper something into Gwen's ear. "I don't think she's ready for Madoka yet."

"Gotcha." Gwen nodded quietly.

"I like Venus!" Abby said, unaware of what the older girls were saying.

"What about you, Ezra? What are your favorite anime?" Gwen asked Ezra, who was trying his best to look aloof as always. "Ezra, are you there?"

"I like sports and science fiction anime. That's it, no need to get me involved." Ezra said before he looked around and pulled out his phone to admire a picture he had saved of a busty anime woman with blonde hair and blue eyes wearing a purple one-piece. "No one will ever understand you like I do, Kusakai-sama."

"Hey Ez, whatcha looking at?" Leia asked while looking over her boyfriend's shoulder, making the young man scream in fright while trying to hide his phone.

"It's nothing, I swear! Mind your own business!" an embarrassed Ezra yelled before Leia took his phone to look at the picture. "Give that back!"

"OMG, is that me as an anime girl?!" Leia laughed before showing the picture to the others. "Hey guys, check this out!"

"Wow, she looks a lot like Leia, only a little more well-endowed." Ian declared, causing his sister to blush in embarrassment while the other kids laughed.

"Hey, Keijo is an underrated gem that's far more sophisticated than you think it is!" Ezra exclaimed as he tried getting his phone back from Leia. A few tables away, the adults, along with Haruko, Jinyu, Krampus, Jessica, and Uno, were all sitting together with hot chocolate of their own while watching the kids have some fun at Ezra's expense.

"Those kiddos seem to be having the time of their life." Uno growled while taking a swig of cocoa. "How long have they all known each other?"

"Melody and I are practically Gwen, Tyrone, and Arnold's godparents because we're so close with the Pines." Soos explained to Uno. "As for Ezra, Leia's had a crush on him since the end of middle school."

"Hey, I got a question to ask myself." Dipper added while gesturing to Uno's eyepatch. "What's with the eyepatch? Did you really lose an eye, or is it your way of looking tough and rugged?"

"For your information, boy, this was a battle scar from one Christmas night gone horribly wrong." Uno explained, flipping up his eyepatch to reveal that the eyelid was completely sewn shut to indicate that he did indeed lose an eye. "It was December 1941. America had just entered the great war against the Nazis after Japan's attack on Pearl Harbor. During our yearly trip around the world, Santa stopped in Berlin to deliver their presents. But unfortunately, he chose the worst possible time to make his rounds."

Uno paused for a moment to take another sip of hot chocolate. "Hitler's forces were doing their nightly patrols when they found us, confusing us for runaway Jews just because we weren't anything like the average man. They were like sharks, y'see. Sometimes a shark, he looks right into ya. Right into your eyes. Y'know the thing about a shark, he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until he bites ya. We tried begging them to allow us to leave peacefully, but there was no soul in those eyes of theirs as they took aim and started firing at us. Not everybody made it out alive. Oh, poor Newbo. 'Tis his first day on the job, and his life was taken right before me eyes. I could still hear him tell me to run as he died from the gunshot."

As Uno's story continued, everyone was enamored with the elf's passionate manner of speaking as he reminisced on the deadliest day of his life. "Santa, outraged that someone could go beyond the definition of naughty, beat all those armbanders within an inch of their lives. Not all the elves made it out alive, though. I was one of the lucky ones, as I decided to swim for my life and was found a few days later on the USS Indianapolis by a kindly fellow named Quint. Some of them were shot to death. Others were taken away to probably be gassed. Since then, whenever Santa visited a country during a war on Christmas, he took extra precautions to ensure that no other elf would die again." After a long, heavy sigh, Uno took another sip of cocoa. "Anyways, that's how I got the eyepatch."

"Yes, very enticing story." The Krampus said before getting up from the table. "Anyways, I'll be outside looking out for the South Pole if anyone needs me."

"Good idea, Krampus." Jinyu said as she and Haruko followed. "We'll be back to tell everyone when we're about to come ashore."

As the trio left, Dipper wondered why the Krampus wasn't so interested in Uno's war story. And naturally, this made him very curious. "I'll be back in a bit, guys. Keep my hot chocolate warm for me." He said before leaving the table to investigate.

--

"Lovely night we're having, huh?" Krampus asked as he, Haruko, and Jinyu looked together at the night sky while leaning on the ship's railing. Krampus had finished the last of his cocoa while Jinyu took a smoke of her cigarette before throwing it behind her. "Hey guys, was there ever a time when you were believed to be a big, scary monster that everyone should fear?"

"Oh, totally." Haruko answered. "My time with the Pines wasn't always berries and cream. When I first met them, I became besties with Stan and hung around with the twins so they could help me find the Pirate King. But when they got wise to what I was doing, they treated me like a pariah for years afterward. Heck, even when I came back to Gravity Falls twenty years later to do it all again with Dipper's kids, Stan still hated my guts enough that it killed him!"

"Wait, seriously?" the Krampus gasped.

"No lie." Jinyu added, confirming what Haruko had just said. "I should know; I'm literally half of her given physical form after an encounter with Atomsk gone wrong."

"Huh, didn't know that." Krampus stated in deep thought while Dipper hid in the distance to spy on the trio. "What I'm trying to say is that I have spent literal centuries as the thing that sees children when they're sleeping and knows when they've been bad, so I could traumatize them into behaving when I'm far more complex than that! For example, I'm quite fond of craft brewing, trashy reality shows, old film noirs, Zumba, and reading anime fanfiction."

"The Krampus likes anime fanfiction?" Dipper whispered in utter disbelief of what he just heard. "That is definitely something I just said that no one else has ever said."

"I can relate to that, Krampus." Jinyu replied. "As half of Haruko, it's my duty to serve as her moral compass and keep her from going too far in our search for Atomsk, but after being absorbed by her-"

"Weh?" Krampus interrupted.

"Long story." Jinyu stated before getting back on track without missing a beat. "I sometimes felt like I had no identity of my own."

"Whoa, never knew you felt that way, Jinyu." Haruko muttered in surprise before putting a hand on Jinyu's shoulder. "And this has been going on ever since I ate you?"

"Indeed." Jinyu replied with a nod. "During our travels together, I have been trying to expand my interests, though. In the five months since we last saw the Pines family, I've developed an interest in coffee, yoga, opera singing, jewelry making, archaeology, and basketball."

"You should've seen her cheer for the Harlem Globetrotters." Haruko laughed while flicking Jinyu's nose. "She was absolutely losing it." Jinyu began blushing in embarrassment at her sister's joke. "I even got it on video! Wanna see?"

"Don't." Jinyu coldly interrupted the Vespa Woman while Krampus laughed at her expense.

"Wow, who would've guessed I'd share something in common with you two?" Krampus realized with a smile before sniffing something behind him. "You know we can see you there, Dipper! You've been spying on us, haven't you?"

"No, I haven't!" Dipper nervously said as he tried to cover up his eavesdropping. "By the way, I didn't realize you liked anime fanfiction, Krampus."

"LAND HO! LAND HO!" Uno yelled out for everyone across the yacht to hear. "EVERYONE, WE'VE FINALLY REACHED THE SOUTH POLE!"

"It's about time!" Gwen exclaimed as everyone raced outside to see the South Pole growing ever so closer while the Twelve Days began trawling along the thick ice. "This is it, everyone. This has got to be where Santa's old enemy lives. We all need to be on our guard."

"And bundle up something fierce too!" Mrs. Claus added while breaking out more warm clothing for everyone to wear. "The South Pole is unbelievably cold, so I don't want anyone freezing to death, especially the youngins among you."

"Freezy!" Stan Junior agreed with Jessica while being dressed in an extra warm snowsuit.

"That settles it, everyone. Get bundled up and let's hit the road!" Dipper commanded the team. As everybody went back inside to get dressed for the long journey ahead, Dipper briefly examined his watch to check how much time was left. To his relief, the Twelve Days' Christmas cheer-powered voyage only took thirty minutes, which meant they still had time to spare to prove Santa's innocence. "So, identity crisis, huh?"

"Indeed," Jinyu responded quietly. "Although I am happy to be called Raharu's sister, it saddens me to think that at some point in time, we will have to become one being again in our pursuit of Atomsk, and it scares me a little. I haven't known you and your family long, Dipper, but I feel like I've become a Pines myself."

"Hey," Dipper said while putting an arm around Jinyu and hugging her. "don't let the future scare you so much. Just focus on the here and now. It's what Mabel and I had to learn when we were kids, and I think you could really use it yourself."

"Thank you, Dipper. Or should I say Takkun?" With a sly smirk, Jinyu gave Dipper a quick kiss on the cheek before going back inside the yacht, leaving the mystery solver just as frozen as the South Pole in alarm. Guess there is still some parts of Haruko that carried over to Jinyu after all.

--

Once they were all bundled up and ready for the journey ahead, the Pines-Corduroy-Northwests, the Ramirezes, the Vespa Twins, Ezra, Canti, the Krampus, Jessica, and Uno left the Twelve Days behind as they braved the unbearable cold together. "Wow, they weren't kidding when they said the South Pole was the coldest place on Earth." Arnold said as he began shivering from the chilly winds blowing on his face with only a lantern to keep him warm. "Other than Chicago, that is."

"Really wish we had the time to make snow angels or have a snowball fight." Haruko replied while turning literally blue in the face.

"We can have some fun in the snow later, guys." Ford stated. "Right now, we need to find where this creature lies and slay and/or pacify him. Uno, what are your thoughts?"

"My thoughts? Oh, I'll give you my thoughts!" Uno declared while lighting a match under his chin to illuminate his face. "Last I recall, this heathen dwells within a mountain where his only company is a three-headed beast akin to Cerberus tasked with keeping him from getting out. However, it would take ages to find this mountain."

"Maybe this dude knows where the mountain is." Soos said, pointing his thumb over to a giant mound of white fur taking a nap in the snow, its pelt making it blend in easily with the environment. "Hey, you know where we can find a mountain?!" The mound began rumbling as it revealed itself to be a giant abominable snowman who slowly got up and glared at Soos for disturbing his nap. "I have made a huge mistake."

"Don't worry, guys; maybe this guy just needs a dentist." Mabel laughed nervously at the yeti standing before them.

"Mabel, I don't think this is anything like the specials." Dipper muttered in horror before the snow monster let out a beastly roar. "EVERYBODY, RUN!" The team immediately began running for the hills as the abominable snowman chased them around the South Pole, but they soon found out that the beast should be the least of their worries.

"REINDEER WITH RABIES!" Mabel shrieked as the family started running from infected herds of reindeer.

"So that's what happened to Flossie and Glossie." Uno muttered as he recognized a few of the reindeer among the herd.

"MUTANT ELKS!" Stan yelled while being chased by mutated elks. "They're basically the same as the reindeer with rabies, only even more dangerous!"

"KILLER MISFIT TOYS!" Haruko yelled as her leg was trapped by a deranged jack-in-the-box holding a knife. "They are nowhere near as cute as the ones Rudolph met! Save me, King Moonracer!" Using a pocketknife, Uno saved Haruko in the nick of time by cutting the jack in the box from its spring before stabbing the doll in the face. "Not what I expected, but thank you!"

"What is this, the place where Santa dumps all the stuff that would be too dangerous for anyone to handle?" Gwen asked while fighting back against a rampaging spotted elephant.

"I don't know because that doll over there looks pretty normal." Tyrone said, pointing towards what he assumed was an ordinary doll that stared deeply into his soul. "I don't like how she's looking at me, though."

"Give me your soul, and I shall give you all you desire." The doll offered Tyrone in an eerie voice and stuck its plush hand out. Just when it seemed like Tyrone would be tempted to accept the doll's offer, he instead screamed and ran for the hills.

"We're getting nowhere at this rate!" Tyrone yelled as he, his cousins, Juan, and Jorge ran for cover. "Anything we can do to distract them?!"

"Wait, I think I have an idea!" Juan said before turning to Jorge. "Jorge, hand me a radio! I've been wanting to do this for ages now."

"What did you want to do?" Tyrone asked before Jorge handed his brother a radio to play as Juan began skimming through channels before finding the right one.

"Hey hey hey, it's the Deathly Pallor, coming at you on numbitty 902, WA3D FM, "The Sturge!" the obnoxious radio host announced. "Coming up next, we got some hot cheesy Christmas music comin' at you from DOUBLE-OH BALLYHOO!" Just then, a bit of that exact music played on the station.

"I DON'T WANT A LOT FOR CHRISTMAS, THERE IS JUST ONE THING I NEED! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE PRESENTS UNDERNEATH THE CHRISTMAS TREE!" the familiar voice of Mariah Carey blared, causing the yeti, the rabies-infected reindeer, the mutated elks, and the killer misfit toys to cringe from how obnoxiously catchy the song was. "I JUST WANT YOU FOR MY OWN, MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW! MAKE MY WISH COME TRUE! ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU!"

"Really, you chose that song?!" Krampus grumbled while covering his ears and resisting the urge to sing along.

"I always wanted to do that!" Juan said proudly while dropping the radio in the snow.

"And I should start pledging more to our radio stations soon." Jorge added in utter bewilderment. "They're really getting desperate."

"That should buy us enough time to escape." Mrs. Claus said as she realized something before she started running, motioning for the group to follow her. "Come along, everyone, I know the way!"

--

Once everyone got far away enough from the onslaught of abominable snowmen, misfit toys, and deranged reindeer herds, Jessica took the lead as she guided the group toward their destination. Climbing up an icy mountain covered in snow, the team tried their best not to slip and fall from the mountainside as they walked on the ice-covered path to the real culprit behind the war crimes Santa was framed for.

"Here it is, the home to the beast that Santa sealed away decades ago," Jessica announced. "I should've known that fiend was plotting his revenge the moment Uno said he was in the South Pole."

"Yes, finally!" The Krampus muttered eagerly. "Once we find the guy behind this, we can clear Santa's name, and I'll be home free!"

"Hey guys, check out the cave!" Tyrone shouted as he raced up the mountain path towards a nearby cave at the end. Gazing deep into its dark abyss, Tyrone gazed at it in wonder before shouting "COOL!", his exclamation echoing through the depths and creating a faint quaking sound. "COOL!" he cried louder. "Hey guys, this cave is really deep!"

"Let's see how deep." Dipper added before taking a coin out of his pocket and throwing it into the deep cave. He didn't even hear it land. "Yep, pretty deep."

"This is it, everyone, the point of no return." Soos declared. "Would you like to save your game before proceeding to the final boss?"

"Enough video game lingo, Soos, let's save Christmas already!" Stan exclaimed before the group prepared to enter the cave when Gwen and Tyrone decided to ask a question.

"Uh, Mrs. Claus, before we go, I must ask." Gwen asked Jessica. "What are we in for? How evil is this monster?"

"Is he any eviler than those jerks online who bully people for liking cartoons they hate?" Tyrone added.

"Oh, far eviler than that," Jessica answered. "It took a special ritual to keep this atrocity locked away for decades, but I fear it must've been broken. If we aren't careful, this could be our very last Christmas."

The Pines siblings looked at each other in fear before they held hands to stay close together, walking into the cave with their friends and the grownups to see numerous messages carved into the walls.

"TURN BACK!"

"HE'S A MEAN ONE!"

"ABANDON ALL HOPE!"

"TURN BACK NOW!"

"WE DIDN'T STUTTER YOU MORONS!"

"SERIOUSLY, TURN BACK OR YOU'LL BE SORRY!"

"YOU'RE STILL NOT LISTENING? FINE, GO AND DIE THEN, DUMBASS. BUT DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU."

"Sheesh, we get it already. No need to be so mean." Tyrone muttered at the foreboding messages. "You big jerk." He then discovered another message that said, "I HEARD THAT!"

"Why do I get the feeling that someone else was here before?" Haruko wondered as she examined the carvings. "I mean, how else could these even be he-REEEE!" She shrieked in horror at a decaying skeleton half-hidden in a snowman before jumping into Jinyu's arms to feel protected. "Save me, onee-sama!"

"Haruko, that man died long ago. He won't hurt you." Jinyu said before letting Haruko go and putting her hands on her shoulders. "Nothing will hurt us so long as I'm around. I promise you."

"Wow, someone's going all in on the big sister role." Haruko grinned sweetly before she saw Jinyu's eyes widen in shock at something emerging behind her. "Do I even need to ask if there's something right behind me?"

The beast let out a mighty roar, causing the Vespa Twins to reflexively brandish their guitars while Dipper shined a light into the creature's face, revealing that he was a giant three-headed dog with a reindeer horn on each head. By his side was a yeti-like beast with dirty green fur, pale pink eyes, and a sinister smile that belied a wonderful, awful mind.

"Heel, Max, heel!" the green yeti said while yanking on the chain he held the Cerberus-like beast by. "So, it seems that we have some interlopers in our lair. Let me guess, you're out to save Christmas?"

"That sounds like a pretty fair assessment." Dipper nodded as he slowly recognized the creature before them.

"More or less, I guess," Ford added.

"That sounds awesome, let's do that!" Mabel exclaimed.

"I'm open to the concept." Stan declared.

"I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT WE WERE HERE FOR, COME ON YOU GUYS!" Krampus complained. "So, you must be the one who framed me for framing Santa, aren't you, Grinch?"

"Wait, that's the Grinch?!" Ian shouted in alarm at the creature's true identity. "Kinda thought he'd sound more like Boris Karloff or Jim Carrey or Benedict Cumberbatch."

"Ah, I see you're aware of all those mockeries of my name." the Grinch snorted in disgust. "As you can clearly see, I am nothing like those cartoons. I'm an ancient being who thrives on despair and naughtiness, sealed away for decades by that accursed Santa! But now that I have used my Santa shadows to frame him and doomed the old man to die, I will soon be free to smite the Earth!"

"Wait, mockeries?" Mabel asked. "Is he saying the book was based on him?"

"Indeed, lass." Uno declared. "In fact, all the classic children's authors use their writing as a cover for their true occupations as members of an ancient cabal of demon hunters tasked with defending the world from the forces of darkness! And it's not just Dr. Seuss either. Lewis Carroll, Maurice Sendak, Ursula LeGuin, even J.K. Rowling were members once upon a time!"

"Wait, what happened to Rowling?" Ford wondered.

"If you've been online over the past couple of years, you'd know what." Uno said while reaching into his pocket and pulling out a candy cane sword. "Now, if ye excuse me, I'm going to settle the score and finish what Santa & Geisel started!"

"No, Uno, don't be a hero!" Jessica cried as the first of Santa's elves charged into battle against the Grinch's guard dog and jumped up to stab it in one of its eyes. While Uno successfully blinded one of the Cerberus-like beast's heads, he failed to account for the other two heads, grabbing and flinging him around like a doggy toy.

"No, not Uno!" Leia cried as the rest of the gang couldn't bear to watch their friend get torn to shreds. "What else can we do?!"

"Wait, I think I got an idea!" Ezra exclaimed as he reached behind his back to reveal a treat he intended to give the Pines earlier. See? There's that fruitcake again! Ezra threw the fruitcake as far as he could at the guard dog, momentarily distracting all three of its heads as they immediately began gnashing at the flying fruitcake while the injured Uno was dropped to the icy floor.

"Uno!" everybody else yelled as they raced to the elf's side as he slowly passed out from his injuries.

"Oh no, please speak to us, dear!" Jessica cried while holding Uno in her arms. "Someone please tell me he's alright!"

Juan waved a hand over Uno's frozen face. "He's dead." Everyone gasped in horror as they began to mourn Uno's death.

"It should've been me, not him." Krampus said despairingly while dropping to his knees. "IT SHOULD'VE BEEN ME! IT'S NOT FAIR!"

"I'M NOT DEAD YOU IDIOTS!" Uno screamed as he woke up in Mrs. Claus's arms. "I'm just too old for this shit anymore."

"Your attempt at a sacrifice was admirable, elf," the Grinch bellowed as he rose to confront the team with his guard dog, now finished with Ezra's fruitcake, by his side. "but it ultimately meant nothing. Once I kill you all and escape this prison, I will condemn this world to eternal freezing darkness!"

"Well, this has quite literally become the worst Christmas we've ever had." Haruko declared. "Someone, please help us!"

--

If there was anything on Nicholas Christopher Kringle's mind as he was walked down the hall towards the electric chair by a pair of prison guards, it's that he lived his life with no regrets. Once known as simply Saint Nicholas, the man who would become Santa Claus began his gift-giving tradition in fourth-century Greece before being noticed by an elf who called himself Uno, who gave Nicholas the idea of spreading joy to the rest of the world. From then on, Nicholas developed his Santa Claus persona and provided a home to Uno's kind in exchange for working for him, later marrying a kindly schoolteacher named Jessica and turning her into Mrs. Claus. It seemed like Santa's incredibly long life was perfect, but it was all about to come to an end tonight, and on the first stroke of midnight on Christmas morning, no less.

"Look, Mr. Claus, I really hate that you're gonna die, but I can't just bend the rules to let you out, y'know." One of the guards escorting Santa apologized to the spirit of Christmas. "Who knows? Maybe the kids of the world will still get their presents somehow."

"I have long since made peace with that." Santa declared grimly. "I'm just thinking more about how many people I didn't get to say goodbye to." Suddenly, he began hearing a cry for help from miles upon miles away, almost like someone was in danger. "My Santa Sense is tingling!"

"Someone please help us!" the voice of a young woman called out for a hero in the bleakest of times.

"Do not worry, young lady, I'm coming!" Santa yelled as he burst from the guards' restraints, broke the handcuffs holding him into pieces, and raced past the spirited group of kids adventuring to save him while ripping open his prison attire to reveal his signature red and white suit underneath. "SANTA CLAUS AWAY!"

With a mighty spring in his step, Santa burst through the prison roof and soared through the air toward the South Pole, leaving the two guards in the dust. "The prisoner is getting away, someone stop him!" the first guard yelled, but nobody did a thing much to his chagrin. "Dammit, Lawrence!"

"Shut up, Nick, it's Christmas!" Lawrence told his coworker.

"We're going to lose our jobs for this." Nick moaned in defeat.

--

"I can't believe it. We're going to spend Christmas getting killed by the Grinch." Tyrone declared as the Grinch and his guard dog loomed over the group. "Since we're all gonna die soon, there's one horrible secret I must share with you all. I do not care for Hinata."

"What?!" Jorge gasped in anger.

"Do not care for Hinata." Tyrone reiterated to make his point clearer.

"How can you even say that? She's a beautiful cinnamon roll!" Juan exclaimed. "She's too pure for this world!"

"And that's exactly why I don't care for her!" Tyrone declared. "People only like her because she's a cute, shy girl with huge honkers. Now Sakura, there's someone with actual personality beyond just looking good, yet everyone hates her because she's mean to Naruto! Newsflash: everyone was mean to Naruto! Is she always singled out because of her gender?!"

"What makes you think this has anything to do with gender?" Juan asked.

"It's called double standards!" Tyrone proclaimed, much to everyone's annoyance. Even the Grinch was getting tired of his time being wasted.

"I can't believe we're having this discussion." Imelda spoke for everyone in the Grinch's cave.

"Indeed. Your childish banter is amusing but will not save you at all." The Grinch agreed with Imelda before raising his giant foot to stomp everyone into paste. "Now, prepare for this to be your last Christmas!"

"I am a real Father Christmas, fight for the joy of all the kids." The faint voice of Rick Derringer sang as the Grinch sensed an old foe coming his way. "I am a real Father Christmas, fight for the joy of every girl and boy!"

Santa crashed between the Pines family and the Grinch in a three-point landing that shook the entire mountain and created a cloud of icy dust to surround him as he made his debut. "With my bag full of presents, down the chimney I slide. You better watch out, you better not cry." The song boasted. "I'm gonna deck the halls with boughs of holly, I'm the holiday symbol of jolly."

"You!" the Grinch yelled in shock.

"You!" the Krampus added.

"Me!" Santa exclaimed while flexing his muscles.

"Santa Claus is Hulk Hogan?" Dipper, Gwen, Jinyu, Ford, Arnold, Ian, Melody, Pacifica, Imelda, and Ezra all asked in surprise.

"Santa Claus is Hulk Hogan!" Mabel, Tyrone, Haruko, Stan, Leia, Juan, Jorge, Abby, Soos, and Wendy all cheered excitedly.

"That's right, brother, everything will be alright!" Santa Claus declared as he made his triumphant entrance. "Why? Because I am here!" He then turned to the Grinch with a defiant grin and pointed a finger at the beast. "And let me tell ya something, brother! Whatcha gonna do when Santa Claus decks the halls all over you?!"

"Santa Claus. We meet again, my old nemesis, for the last time!" the Grinch retorted. "But you are too late! Christmas is over, and the world shall be mine to rule!"

"Not if I have anything to say about it, jack!" Santa roared while preparing a mighty punch. "JINGLE BELL ROCK!" The punch connected, aiming straight at the Grinch's groin and causing him to rocket hundreds of feet into the air as the song continued. "I am a real Father Christmas, fight for the joy of all the kids. I am a real Father Christmas, fight for the joy of every girl and boy!"

"Honey, you're alright!" Jessica cried as she raced into her husband's arms to welcome him back. "I was so worried!"

"It's okay, sweetheart. Looks like you were holdin' down the fort just fine." Santa replied with a toothy smile while offhandedly smacking Max into a wall before looking at the Pines family and friends. "And remember, Santamaniacs, always be nice and true to yourselves!"

"Can I sit on your lap later?" Tyrone asked in awe of Good Saint Nick's sheer awesomeness. "You're even more badass in person than I thought you would be!"

"Anything for a good little boy like you, brother. Ho ho ho!" Santa let out his trademark laugh as he discovered the Grinch returning to the Earth with a ferocious roar. "Looks like that seasick crocodile ain't down for the count yet. If we stop him together, you're all on this year's nice list!"

"Canti, bat me!" Dipper exclaimed, ordering Canti to spit out the Gibson Flying V and 1967 model Mustang to give to him and Gwen. "We should really get you a guitar of your own, Gwen."

"You'll be surprised what I got you for Christmas." Haruko smirked before jumping up and swinging her Rickenbacker into the Grinch's face. "You want some, Grinchy?! Come and get some!"

"FOR CHRISTMAS!" Mabel yelled as Dipper, Gwen, Jinyu, Krampus, and Canti leaped into direct action against the Grinch while everyone else handled his guard dog.

"I'm making a list I'm always checking twice, who knows who's naughty and who knows who's nice?" Santa's theme song continued as the fight against the Grinch for the fate of Christmas raged on. "I'm so full of milk and cookies; I'm shaking like jelly, but I got rock-hard abs on my big fat belly!"

"Finally, a chance to use this bad boy!" Krampus grinned while revealing the birch branches hidden within his cloak before turning to Santa. "What do you say, Claus? Just like old times?"

"You really came all the way out here to save little old me?" Santa asked before nervously scratching his beard. "Um, I am terribly sorry for what I said to you all those years ago."

"I'm sorry for taking things a little too far." Krampus replied just as awkwardly before sticking a clawed hand out. "Ready to patch things up?"

"I thought you'd never ask." Santa accepted and shook hands with his old partner. "Now then, you take the Grinch from behind; I'll take him from the front!"

"Oh please, I can take all of him on my own!" the Krampus bragged before jumping up and birching the Grinch across the face. "Hey, I think those kids might need some help." He pointed towards Tyrone, Arnold, Juan, Jorge, Imelda, Abby, and Ezra, all running from Max while Ian and Leia tried to fight him off. "Best get to that."

"Nice doggy, nice three-headed, flesh-eating doggy!" Arnold yelled in terror while carrying Stan Jr. in his arms. "Tyrone, what do we do?! Neither of us can kick butt like Gwen can!"

"I think I know what to do," Tyrone stated. "Which of you is good at jumping up and down and generally being real annoying?"

"Our time has come," Juan said as he and Jorge turned to face Max. "Hey Pongo! Yeah, we're talking to you, Bluey!" he taunted the three-headed guard dog by smacking his butt and flipping him off. "You're not so tough; you're just in heat and need to get spayed and neutered!" Unfortunately, that just made Max angrier. "Okay, this was a bad idea."

"Tyrone, this better be part of the plan!" Jorge said as the Ramirez brothers began running for their lives. Suddenly, however, Haruko's Vespa and Jinyu's Bel Air came charging into the mountain and ran straight into Max's three heads, knocking the giant dog out cold.

"Thought you boys needed some help." Santa said while handing Haruko and Jinyu back their keys. "Now then, to finish these two naughty boys off once and for all! Everybody, together!"

"You got it, Santa!" Dipper said while readying his Mustang while Canti produced a Gibson EB-0. "Ready, Gwen?"

"Ready, Dad." Gwen replied before she, her father, Haruko, Jinyu, and Canti all jumped into the air with guitars ready to attack. "ALRIGHT!"

"WHAT?!" the Grinch yelled before he was struck on the head so hard that he was sent packing down a hole to the darkest, coldest depths of the Antarctic.

"CHRISTMAS LUNCHTIME!" Dipper, Gwen, Haruko, and Jinyu all yelled together as the Grinch was sent down to his new prison while he tried in vain to escape as the theme song climaxed. "I am a real Father Christmas, fight for the joy of all the kids. I am a real Father Christmas, fight for the joy of every girl and boy!"

"You may have won this time, Santa Claus, but I will have my revenge next Christmas!" the Grinch yelled angrily at Santa. "And every single Christmas after that! Mark my wo-" His vow of revenge was interrupted when Krampus stabbed him in the hand with his birch rod, causing the Grinch to fall further into the giant hole while Max's unconscious body was shoved in after him by Juan and Jorge.

"And we'll be there." Krampus declared before turning to Santa. "Shall we, Nick?"

"I thought you'd never ask." Santa smirked while creating a pair of mandalas around his hands and casting an ancient spell to seal the Grinch away forever. Only this time, the Krampus was there to help him out. "Now, Grinch, begone!"

"CUUUURSES!" the Grinch screamed angrily as he was sealed away, never to threaten Christmas again. Once the dust finally settled, Santa sat down to rest, giving Tyrone the perfect opportunity to finally sit in his lap.

"It's even better than I thought it would be." Tyrone whispered in sheer wonder and excitement while everyone around him laughed, only for Dipper to make a shocking realization.

"OMG, it's midnight!" Dipper yelled while looking at his watch. "It's Christmas morning already, and Santa still hasn't delivered his presents! What do we do?!"

"Not to worry, Dipper, I have a plan for everything!" Santa laughed jollily as he got up, with Tyrone still wrapping his legs around his thighs. "I just need my sleigh!"

"Yeah, funny you should mention that." Uno declared as he finally woke up. "The sleigh got repossessed after you got arrested."

"Aw, nutcrackers." Santa groaned in disappointment before he got an idea. "You there, girl!" he bellowed while pointing to Jinyu. "Would you be willing to lend me your sweet car for the night?"

"I'd be more than happy to." Jinyu nodded in delight. "But now we just need to find some reindeer."

"I volunteer as Rudolph!" Haruko exclaimed while changing her sexy Santa dress to a sexy reindeer costume, complete with a red nose. "Now we just need to find the rest." Everyone then turned to stare at Dipper.

"Why is everyone looking at me like that?" Dipper asked, not knowing what was happening next.

--

"This is utterly humiliating." Dipper groaned as he, Gwen, Stan, Ford, Tyrone, and Ian were made into more of Santa's makeshift reindeer to pull Jinyu's Bel Air across the world, complete with Santa's sack of toys in the back.

"Hey, we're short on time here; we might as well make the most of what we got." Krampus replied as he sat right next to Santa. "Now then, shall we?"

"We shall." Santa said before he began chanting. "On Haruko, on Canti, on Dipper and Gwen!" he called as the Bel-Air lifted into the air. "On Stanley, on Stanford! On Tyrone and Ian!"

"I got to sit on the real Santa's lap and pull his sleigh!" Tyrone yelled excitedly. "That girl at school with the crush on the cute teenage boy version of Jack Frost is going to be so jealous!"

"To the top of the mountain and back to Gravity Falls!" Santa yelled before the impromptu sleigh took off with Haruko surfing on her Rickenbacker leading the way. "Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"

"You still got it, old friend." Uno smirked serenely as the gang helped Santa make his rounds across the world. From the United States to Mexico, Japan, Canada, Australia, Iceland, and even Germany. No child was left ungifted by the jolly old elf and his new friends, and Krampus was more than happy to deliver a few presents himself.

Soon, it was time to return everyone to Gravity Falls so they could go to bed for the night and be all ready for Christmas morning. Once the Bel Air touched down in front of the Mystery Shack, Gwen, Tyrone, Arnold, and all their friends were already on the verge of falling asleep from spending the night helping Santa.

"Thanks for dropping us off, dude." Dipper said while carrying his dozing daughter in his arms. "So, what are you going to do now?"

"Well, first off, I'm probably going to get my sleigh back and explain everything to the authorities." Santa laughed nervously. "And second, you better leave out some milk and cookies because you'll never know when I'll return with your presents!"

"In that case, I should probably be heading home to Mother." Ezra said as he prepared to leave the Shack. "She is not going to believe what I've been through tonight."

"See you soon, my little gingerbread man," Leia said before bringing Ezra in for a goodnight kiss. "Yippie-kay-yay."

"Yeah, we should all just turn in for the night. I'm beat!" Soos said as the Ramirezes said goodbye to the Pines. "Good night, dudes, and Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas to you too, Soos," Dipper said as he and Wendy said their goodbyes to Mabel, Pacifica, and Arnold when he felt Haruko tapping him on the shoulder. "Need anything, Haruko?"

"Can you do me and Jinyu a solid and let us crash with you for the night?" Haruko asked Dipper.

"What, don't you guys have a place to live or something?" Wendy asked back. "Is the car not good enough?"

"Actually, we are considering buying a home here." Jinyu revealed. "Though it might have to wait until after Christmas."

"Besides, I got a bitchin' New Year's party planned too!" Haruko revealed. "Come on, please?" she asked again, putting on puppy dog eyes and batting her eyelashes.

"Okay, fine." Dipper caved into Haruko's demands. "Just don't make a mess of things. I worked very hard on decorating the house." He then turned to Krampus. "Hey, Krampus, thanks for all the help tonight."

"No, no, no, thank you for getting me and Santa back together." Krampus declared with an arm around his old friend. "You Pines really are something else."

"The pleasure's all ours." Gwen said sleepily to Krampus. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, kiddo." Krampus responded before turning to Santa. "Can I say it? Can I?!"

"Ho-ho-go right on ahead, Krampy." Santa declared, making Krampus's eyes sparkle before he took a deep breath.

"Merry Christmas to all!" the Krampus yelled for everyone to hear as he ran off into the dark Oregon forest. "And to all, a good night!"

--

"Good night, Gwen. Good night, Tyrone," Dipper said goodnight to his kids once the Pines-Corduroy family returned home.

"Good night, Dad." Gwen and Tyrone replied.

"Good night Haruko, good night Jinyu." Dipper added for the Vespa Twins.

"Good night Takkun." Haruko responded.

"Good night, children." Jinyu said as she walked towards the kids' bedroom, dressed in some spare flannel pajamas Wendy had loaned her. She soon found Gwen and Tyrone sleeping in Tyrone's bed while Haruko took over Gwen's bed. "Raharu called dibs?"

"You're welcome to sleep with us if you want." Gwen said while Tyrone was utterly knocked out with Waddles II in his arms. Jinyu smiled and shrugged her shoulders before walking in to give Gwen a good night kiss.

"Merry Christmas, Gwennie." Jinyu said to her surrogate niece before preparing to leave. "I wonder if they have a guest room."

"Onee-chan, can you sleep with me tonight?" Haruko, dressed in a sweatshirt and tight black pants, asked for Jinyu, causing the Jazzmaster player to turn around and see the Vespa Woman pouting and making puppy eyes at her. "You wouldn't want your dear baby sister to feel so lonely on Christmas?"

Jinyu let out a sigh before walking towards Gwen's bed. "Okay, make some room, imoto." Once Jinyu had climbed into bed, she was immediately spooned from behind by her other half, who then started meowing. "Merry Christmas, Haruko."

"Merry Christmas, Jinyu." Haruko replied. It was funny, Jinyu thought. When she first came into being fifteen years ago after another failed attempt of Haruko's to catch Atomsk, the two of them were naturally opposed to each other regarding their feelings towards the Pirate King. Haruko selfishly wanted Atomsk's power for herself, while Jinyu believed that Atomsk should be free to roam the universe. But thanks to the positive influence of the Pines family and their Gravity Falls friends, the two women were practically sisters now. And Jinyu wouldn't trade it for the world.

--

At long last, Christmas morning had arrived, and with it, Santa had left presents under the tree for the Pines family and their friends as thanks for all the help last night. Once Gwen and Tyrone woke up, their parents were already planning to meet with the others at the Mystery Shack to exchange gifts and enjoy each other's company at the most wonderful time of year.

"Wow, new journals, thanks Mabel." Dipper smiled after unwrapping a set of blank journals gifted to him by his twin sister before handing her a gift from him. "And here's a little something from you."

Mabel unwrapped her present, revealing an expansive knitting kit from her brother. "Oh my gosh, I love this!" she squealed in delight before hugging Dipper tight. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"Oh, Gwennie, you will never guess what I got you!" Haruko said in a sing-song voice while presenting what was clearly a guitar wrapped in 'FLCL' wrapping paper. Gwen took the guitar and unwrapped her present to reveal a pink RC Rich Bich inside. "You like? It's the same bat you used to fight me with."

"Thank you." Gwen smiled before sitting down and trying to play the Rich Bich. Much to her dismay, she wasn't quite the guitar player that the Vespa Twins were. "I think I might need some practice."

"Understatement of the century." Haruko snarked while looking over her shoulder at Tyrone geeking out over what Jinyu got him for Christmas.

"Awesome, my own Power Pole!" Tyrone squealed in delight while extending his new staff to poke Canti in the shoulder while Abby covered the Medical Machine in stickers. "Thanks, Jinyu!"

"You're very welcome, Tyrone." Jinyu smiled before she suddenly received her present from Mabel. "What are these?"

"Dipper and I got you matching cheesy sweaters!" Mabel exclaimed while Jinyu looked down at the goofy bee design on her sweater, which she noticed was on Haruko's sweater as well. "Please say you like it. I worked very hard on it."

"I don't hate it if that's good enough." Haruko admitted before she suddenly realized she got Jinyu a present as well. She wheeled in a blue Vespa scooter just like her own, but instead of the 'P!' symbol on Haruko's, there was a 'J!' symbol. "Here, in case your old piece of junk finally breaks down."

"I'm touched, Raharu." Jinyu flatly stated while reaching behind her back with a present for Haruko. "Which reminds me, for Christmas, I shall give you the gift of Atomsk."

"YOU REALLY MEAN IT?!" Haruko screamed with joy while a flowery background appeared behind her. "OMG, YOU ARE THE BEST SISTER EVER!" But instead of the Pirate King in a cage, Haruko got a book. "What the hell is this?"

"Atomsk by Cordwainer Smith." Jinyu answered with a smirk, making Haruko turn red with uncontrollable rage. "Like the pun?"

"YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU'RE THE WORST SISTER EVER!" Haruko screamed as she leaped at her smirking other half and beat her senseless with her Rickenbacker. "I'LL FREAKING KILL YOU FOR THIS!"

"Wow, they really have become like siblings." Dipper grinned amusedly at Haruko's fury before he felt someone tap on his shoulder. Turning around, Dipper found Wendy wearing nothing but a sling bikini made of gift bows with a tag saying 'For Dipper' nested between her cleavage. "Oh geez."

"Pacifica and I thought you and Mabel deserved something a little special today." Wendy said seductively while Pacifica stood beside her in the exact same outfit, except her tag said 'For Mabel' on it. "Why don't the four of us go somewhere more private?"

"Oh, Simone!" Mabel laughed goofily before their wives dragged the Pines twins away, past Arnold resting his feet in a home spa bath that he got as part of a kit he received from his mothers.

"Finally, some peace and quiet." Arnold sighed contentedly before he heard a loud kick at the door followed by Santa bellowing, "HO HO HO!"

"Santa!" Everybody in the living room yelled as Santa stepped into the Mystery Shack with Mrs. Claus and Uno by his side.

"What brings you back to Gravity Falls, Saint Nicholas?" Ford asked as he received a ticket to an all-expenses paid trip to a senior citizens' resort in Palo Alto.

"I just thought I'd pop on by to say thanks for clearing my name." Santa laughed. "Now then, what did you all get for Christmas this year?"

"I got a new fez." Stan answered Santa while holding a fez that said 'NUMBER ONE GREAT UNCLE' on it. "But since I'm dead, I probably won't need it." He then placed the fez on Junior's head. "Here, for when you have your own great niece and nephew someday."

Meanwhile, Ian and Leia were busy inspecting a large wooden crate with a gift bow on the lid. "What could be so big that it needed to be kept in a crate?" Leia asked while scratching her chin.

"Well, let's open it and find out," Ian said before opening the crate with a crowbar, revealing a man and a woman inside it. "Whoa, are you-"

"Where am I, who are you people, where's my family?!" Christopher Nolan yelled in terror upon being let out of the crate when he discovered someone had been packed in with him. "Wait, Greta?"

"Christopher?" Greta Gerwig asked as she crawled out after Chris. "I'm happy you want to spend the holidays together with me, but this isn't what I thought."

"Wait, did I just get two of the most beloved visionary directors of all time as my filmmaking mentors?!" Ian yelled in delight before hugging the two. "This is the best Christmas ever!"

"Merry Christmas, dear viewers." TJ of TJ and the Wombat announced on the radio. "This is TJ."

"And the Wombat!" the Wombat added.

"Coming to you with some last-minute Christmas news." TJ stated. "Police all over the country are searching for the missing Christopher Nolan and Greta Gerwig, who have been reported abducted from their homes last night by strange little men." Uno then abruptly turned off the radio with a nervous laugh.

"Not the first time someone's been kidnapped on Christmas. Remember what happened to Kevin Bacon?" Soos commented before the Mystery Shack got some more guests in the form of Candy & Ezra, Aiko, Masurao, Eye Patch & Amarao, Kanda, Kitsurubami, and a strange homeless man that just wandered into the Shack. "Uh, can I help you, dude?"

"Son, is that you?" the homeless man asked in wonder, making Soos's eyes widen in alarm at the thought of his dad finally meeting him face-to-face after so many years. "It's been so long. I just ran out to get milk."

"I can't believe it, it's really you!" Soos laughed when he began to realize something. "Wait a second, you're not my dad! He would never show up to anything in person!"

"I'll be honest. I just wandered into the nearest place to get something to eat." The man replied. "Mind if I crash here and celebrate with you guys?"

"Sure, the more the merrier!" Soos replied while shaking the old man's hand. "Come on in. We're already unwrapping presents."

While Jorge gave Melody some Hoo-Haw the Owl merchandise as his present, Juan finally gave Aiko the sunhat he bought yesterday. "You would not believe what happened last night." Juan declared. "I helped the Krampus save Christmas from the Grinch!"

"Wait, the Krampus?!" Aiko laughed while trying on the hat. "You're so silly!" She then put the hat down to hide her and Juan kissing each other. "So embarrassing."

"Buncha lovesick dorks." Leia chuckled as she leaned on her new punching bag before noticing Ezra standing under the mistletoe. "You wouldn't!"

"Come here and be my little Christmas angel, neo salanghaneun babo." Ezra smirked before sneaking a glance at his wingman Tyrone, using his new power pole to hang the mistletoe over the teens' heads.

"They make a pretty nice couple." Juan commented on the romantic sight before them. "I call dibs on best man for their wedding!"

"No fair, I called dibs first!" Jorge said before the brothers engaged in a pathetic slap fight that was quickly interrupted by Imelda, wearing some earmuffs, to bestow her brothers their gifts. "No way, look at this, bro!"

"All the ridiculous clothes and hair dye we could ever want!" Juan added. "Hey, you wanna be my personal Barbie doll?"

"Not if I make you my Ken." Jorge laughed. "Okay, that sounds pretty weird out of context."

"Ah, just what I wanted." Imelda declared while relaxing with her earmuffs to block out the chattering of her family and friends and the faint squeaking and moaning coming from upstairs.

Meanwhile, the Krampus watched the merriment from outside the Mystery Shack with a sad smile. Though he had helped save Christmas from the Grinch and made amends with Santa Claus, he still doubted that he would be allowed to join due to his reputation. "Well, Merry Christmas, you guys." He sighed as he prepared to leave. "Back to doing what I do best?"

"Leaving so soon, Krampus?" Santa asked as he opened the front door while Abby and Stan Jr. stood by him. "Come along now, don't keep us waiting!"

"Wait, are you seriously letting me in?" the Krampus asked hopefully while Dipper and Mabel walked downstairs with messy hair, lipstick all over their faces, and miscellaneous adult fluid stains on their clothes. "I mean, I did help save the holidays."

"Yeah, it just ain't Christmas if someone's left out of the festivities." Dipper said as he offered a hand. "So what do you say, care to join in?"

And it was here in Gravity Falls they say that the Krampus's heart grew three sizes that day. With eyes so merry and a smile so bright, Krampus jumped for joy as he joined the party inside. Abby and Stan Jr. were so overblown that their favorite uncle Krampy wouldn't be so alone. With a tear in his eye and a smile in his heart, Krampus replied by saying, "I'm just so happy that I played a part."

--

"Okay, everyone, all together now for the big family photo!" Uno exclaimed later that day as the gang got together in the floor room for Christmas dinner, now joined by extended members of the Pines, Corduroys, Ramirezes, whatever Northwests Pacifica didn't disown, and the ghosts of Soos's abuelita and Waddles. After nearly dying from being turned into Max's dog toy, the elf struggled to stand up on his crutches while behind the camera. "Now then, Haruko, I need you to move a little to the left. No, no, my left. No, my other left."

"There's no such thing as your other left, just take the damn picture already!" Haruko yelled before everyone heard a bunch of angry tree demons bust down the wall.

"Oh no, not you guys again!" Dipper groaned in disappointment while arming himself with the Mustang. "Gwen, get your Rich Bich!"

"What are those things?!" Dipper and Mabel's father Alex yelled while hiding under the dinner table. "Is this what you guys got up to every summer?!"

"Welcome to Gravity Falls, Dad!" Mabel laughed as she joined the fight against the rogue tree demons. "FOR TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL!" The Christmas dinner quickly turned into chaos as all the Pines members, both blood-related, in-laws, and spiritual family, joined in on the fight against the tree demons to save their holiday. But in the middle of the madness, Stan Junior sat happily on Krampus's lap with a Santa hat on his head.

"Look, Junior," Krampus said while pointing to Santa performing an Atomic Leg Drop on an unfortunate tree demon. "it's said that every time Santa throws some hands, an angel gains its wings."

"God bwess us evewyone." Stan Junior declared.

"Shut that door!" Stan abruptly yelled as he closed the front door. Outside the Mystery Shack, the rhyming narrator from the cold open was still on fire and running around, screaming for someone to put him out. He was then crushed by a tree demon being thrown out the window and landing on him, setting the monster tree on fire as well.

THE END

In Loving Memory of Andre Braugher (July 1, 1962-December 11, 2023)

"Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place."

- Captain Raymond Holt

--

And that's the Fooly Falls Christmas special, my last story for the year in honor of the 20th anniversary of FLCL's first airing on American television. Thank you all for sticking with me throughout 2023 as we look forward to what's to come in 2024. Hopefully I can actually get some new stuff out in addition to reviving stories I've kept hanging on by a thread for months on end. And before we go, allow me to bestow upon ye the Japanese voice cast for the Fooly Falls 2 kids and all the Christmas characters shown here.

Gwen Pines: Eri Kitamura (Cana Alberona, Juri Han, Juliet Starling, Mina Ashido, Sayaka Miki)

Tyrone Pines: Saori Hayami (Ruby Rose, Yor Forger, Fubuki, Anya Hepburn)

Arnold Pines: Yuki Kaji (Eren Yeager, Koichi Hirose, Hope Estheim, Speed'o'Sound Sonic, Shoto Todoroki)

Ian Ramirez: Kazuya Nakai (Roronoa Zoro, Mugen, Wakka, Travis Touchdown)

Leia Ramirez: Ami Koshimizu (Yang Xiao Long, Kallen Kozuki, Sailor Jupiter, Ryuko Matoi)

Juan Ramirez: Kappei Yamaguchi (Usopp, Inuyasha, Shigekiyo Yangu, L, Teddie)

Jorge Ramirez: Jun'ya Enoki (Yuji Itadori, Pannacotta Fugo, Shu Kurenai)

Imelda Ramirez: Tomoyo Kurosawa (Aiko, Sothis, Rebecca)

Abby & Stan Jr. Ramirez: Aoi Yuki (Tsuyu Asui, Futaba Sakura, Madoka Kaname, Lucyna Kushinda)

Ezra Chiu: Tomokazu Sugita (Joseph Joestar, Gintoki Sakata, Ragna the Bloodedge, Yusuke Kitagawa)

And featuring the voices of….

The Krampus: Dan Castellaneta (Homer Simpson, The Robot Devil, The Genie)/Koichi Yamadera (Spike Spiegel, Beerus, Togusa, Inspector Zenigata)

Santa Claus: Christopher Sabat (Vegeta, Piccolo, Roronoa Zoro, All Might)/Kenta Miyake (All Might, Muhammad Avdol, Scar)

Jessica Claus: Candi Milo (Madame Foster, Granny)/Kikuko Inoue (Hinae Hibijiri, Lust, I-No, Shuuko Komi, Salem, Minerva Orland, Lady Dimitrescu)

Uno: Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker, The Joker, Fire Lord Ozai, The Skeleton King)/Kazuhiko Inoue (Ozpin, Angeal Hewley, Gildarts Clive, Kakashi Hatake, Kars)

The Grinch: Fred Tatasciore (The Hulk, Soldier 76, Buff Frog, AAARRRGGHH!)/Taiten Kusonoki (E-123 Omega, Captain Leonard Burns, Goliath, Heihachi Mishima)

Rhyming Narrator: Jim Broadbent (Malcolm Claus, Horace Slughorn, Mr. Gruber, Madame Gasket)/Joji Nakata (Alucard, Albert Wesker, Doomfist, Diethard Reid, Hody Jones, Luxord, Sojiro Sakura, Sol Badguy)