#i-also-write

In which the computer lab scene happens, but it’s Pastel!Connor and Emo!Evan created by @softmushie. I got really carried away by this so I apologize profusely. It was actually kinda hard to write? But yeah. I really hope you enjoy it and I really adore your AU and all of your artwork/animatics!

Also! Two A.M. cotton candy party headcannon was made by @volarfinch! Thank you for the beautiful idea that will forever be one of the best headcannons ever!

WC: 1,455

Warning: Swearing, Panic attack, Implied suicidal intentions

Masterlist

Part 2

Part Three

Also it’s midnight here and I really should be in bed (but sleep is for the weak) so sorry about the horrible writing! Okay. I’m done. Go read.

“So, what happened to your arm?”

Evan turned towards the sound of the voice and nearly had to squint at the sight. Through all the holographic hair clips and shining, colored streaks of hair, Evan somehow managed to figure out that the source was none other than Connor Murphy, the kid he pushed earlier that day. He scoffed and unconsciously scratched at the small amount of skin above his cast but beneath his elbow. “I fell out of a fucking tree,” Evan mumbled.

“You fell out of a tree?” Connor repeated. “That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. I’m so sorry.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “Why are you sorry? It’s not like you pushed me out of the tree.”

Connor stood uncomfortable, shifting his weight from foot-to-foot. He gripped the paper in his hand a bit more tightly. “I see, uh, no one’s signed your cast.”

“Yeah. I know,” Evan said, tossing his bag over his shoulder. Why couldn’t Connor take the hint that he wasn’t one to make conversation with? Just let him grab his paper off the printer and leave for his next class. The sooner he got this school day over with, the sooner he could get into his moms medicine cabinet.

“Well, I’ll sign it,” Connor smiled, tucking a strand of pastel pink hair behind his ear.

“Oh.” How was Evan supposed to react to that? Connor—the kid who’s constantly picked on for his love of bright and colorful things. The kid who Evan had pushed earlier that day because he was so mad at some stupid offhand comment about his own looks that he had to take it out on someone else. The kid who just so happened to be the older brother of Zoe Murphy, Evan’s crush—wanted to sign his cast. “You don’t, um, you don’t have to.”

Connor shrugged. “You have a sharpie?” Evan dug into his coat pocket and pulled out the black sharpie his mom had gave him that morning. Connor grimaced at the marker. “Do you have one in blue?”

Evan frowned. “No I don’t have one in fucking blue.”

The taller boy smiled and set the paper he was holding down on the desk beside him. He swung his backpack off his shoulders, unzipped it, and pulled out his cotton candy covered pencil case. “I think Zoe gave mine back to me,” Connor said as he looked through the small case. Evan could see that the pencil case was filled with dozens of different colored sharpies. Some of the caps had small teeth marks from when Connor held them in his mouth while he was using the marker.

“Here it is!” Connor smiled and uncapped it. He carefully grabbed Evan’s cast and, in big, bold letters, spelled out “CONNOR” with a small smiley face at the end.

Evan raised an eyebrow at the size of the name. “Oh. Wow. Thanks?”

“Don’t mention it,” Connor said as he packed up his things. He gasped and grabbed the paper off the desk, handing it to the emo boy. “Here. I found this on the printer. I think it belongs to you? ‘Dear Evan Hansen,’ that’s you, right?”

Evan snatched the paper from his hands and stuffed it into his pocket. “Yeah. It’s just, um, it’s a shitty letter, paper I had to write for the, um, a class,” Evan managed to get out. He felt his palms start to sweat. Shit! Not here, not now! Please!

“Hey, are you okay?” Connor asked, putting a hand on Evan’s shoulder. “You look like you’re about to pass out.”

Evan pushed him away and stumbled out of the computer lab. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why did you have to have a panic attack now? And for some shitty reason, non the less! Connor hadn’t even read the whole letter! Probably? He did see it was my name. Shit. He read it, didn’t he? These thoughts ran through Evans head as he headed for the second floor boys bathroom. It was almost always empty which was great because Evan could go there when his panic attacks set in. He stomped inside and went to the back stall, stuffing himself into the back corner and tucking his legs into his chest.

He was so focused on leaving that he didn’t remember to close the bathroom door.

“Evan? I don’t really know what’s going on, but I don’t think I’m supposed to just leave you here alone,” Connor said as he entered the small bathroom. He closed the door and went to the back stall, kneeling in front of the slightly shaking boy. “What do you need me to do?”

Evan couldn’t answer. He couldn’t talk. Heck, he couldn’t even move his mouth. He just sat there shivering, trying to control his breathing.

Connor pulled off his multicolored vest and tossed it over Evan’s shoulders. “I know you already have a jacket on, but you were still shivering so this might help,” he explained.

Connor bit his lip as he watched the emo boy take big, gulping breaths. An idea popped into his mind. Connor went into his bag and pulled out his cotton candy pencil case once again, grabbing a purple sharpie from inside. He gently grabbed Evan’s cast and set it in his lap. “Hey, try this, okay?” Connor drew a small square on the underside of the cast. “When I trace the line up, breath in. But don’t let go until I trace the line going down, okay?”

Evan silently nodded, squinting through newly-forming tears to watch Connors square. He followed Connors instructions and was surprised at how well it helped to control his breathing. After 43 fully completed squares, Evan was breathing normally again. He was surprised when he heard his own voice thank Connor for helping him.

Connor smiled and capped the marker. “Don’t mention it. Again.” He put the sharpie away and pulled out a light green one. He started to draw a small vine with leaves on his forearm.

Evan watched, entranced by the calming stroke of Connor’s sharpie. He felt like a complete fool when he said, “can you draw that on my cast?”

Connor stared at Evan for a few seconds before breaking out into a giant grin. “Of course!”

The rest of the school day was spent hiding in the second floor bathroom. When the bell rang indicating school was over, Evan’s cast was covered in pastel colored flowers, sweets, different shapes, and even a mini self portrait of himself. Evan gathered his things and gave Connor his vest back. He was ready to go home and…oh. Right. His moms medicine cabinet. Evan forgot about that. At least today was a good day to end on, right?

“Do you want me to bring you pink or blue cotton candy?”

Evan looked at Connor with questioning eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Zoe and I are gonna have a two a.m. cotton candy party and I was wondering if you’d want me to bring you some tomorrow?” Connor explained, putting away his things and standing up.

“Why would you want to bring me some?” Evan asked and walked out of the bathroom, the pastel boy in tow.

“Because you’re my friend!” Connor said happily. “So, pink or blue?”

Evan shrugged. “Surprise me.”

“Okay. Yeah. Sounds good.” Connor spotted Zoe in the crowded hallway. “I’ve gotta go. But I’ll see you tomorrow, Evan!” With one last smile, Connor walked away from Evan and towards his sister.

When Evan got home that afternoon, he tossed his bag on the couch and made a beeline for his moms bathroom. She wouldn’t be home till late that night which left Evan with more than enough time to do what he needed to do. He opened Heidi’s medicine cabinet and scanned the contents quickly before finding what he needed; his moms sleeping pills. Unfortunately, the few Xanax Evan had left wouldn’t be enough to do the job. So these pills would be doing the honors.

As Evan reached for the pills, he couldn’t help but notice he used his broken arm. Of course, the first thing that caught his eye was the giant “CONNOR” on it. That’s right. Connor was bringing him cotton candy tomorrow. Evan didn’t know if he was getting pink or blue. With a sigh, Evan closed the cabinet and shuffled back into the living room. He plopped onto the couch and flicked on the tv, playing whatever show just happened to be on there.

You laughed as Jared twirled you around the living room. Holding you close, he jumped up onto the couch to dance on a more springy surface. You two waltz onto the coffee table and back onto the carpet as the song changed from an upbeat swing to a slow dance. 

Jared wrapped his arms around you and placed loving kisses on your temple. “I love you,” he whispered, grabbing your hand and admiring your wedding ring.

The boy smiled and grabbed the lemonade form the drink cabinet. “Also, Evan really likes chocolate chip cookies. Like, more than anything.”

“Do you have some?”

Jared shook his head. “Nope! That’s just some advice for a future date.”

Ugh, I hate writing the first few chapters of something.

But I guess you got to get through the boring stuff to get to the good stuff, right?

Right?

Meet (Chap 1.)

Masterlist

As soon as his father announced a lunch break, Connor bolted out the doors and ran down the hallway to the kitchen. He walked in, grabbed a bowl, and proceeded to fill it with all sorts of food. He was almost finished putting the bottle of orange juice in the bowl when an irritable voice spoke up.

“Are you trying to gain as much weight as possible so you don’t have to go to the stupid ball?”

Connor frowned and turned to meet the enemy. “Kleinman.”

Holy. Shit. I found this story on my laptop from back in January. I just wrote the last few paragraphs to finish it up because for some reason I couldn’t do that four months ago. Also major projecting! Be warned! Anyways, I hope you enjoy!

WC: 2,108 (wtf?!)

Warnings: Swearing, Cruel family members, Jared Kleinman

Masterlist

“Fuck you!”

“Fuck you!”

You got up, grabbed your backpack, and stormed out of the house, not even bothering to say goodbye to your mother. You were too mad at your sister to even think straight. Sure, she was only a year younger than you, but that doesn’t give her the right to treat you like shit.

Hey, cool. Another fic for @softmushie‘s Cotton Candy and Hunters AU. Sorry in advanced for the horribly written ending. I just got stuck and let my fingers type whatever. But other than that, please enjoy!

WC: 2,452

Warning: Self harm, Blood, Suicide mentioned/attempted, Swearing, I think Jared comes up at one point? 

Part one

Part two

Masterlist

Also, major shoutout to @helplesshansen who helped me work through my ideas! She is an amazing writer and you should go check out her work!

“Nope! Go fish!”

Evan groaned and flopped back on Connor’s bed. “Connor, for the last fucking time. We’re not playing go fish, we’re playing euchre,” the emo boy explained to his friend.

Connor sighed. “I don’t know how to play euchre, though.”

“Then when I asked you at school, ‘do you know how to play euchre,’ why did you say yes?”

“I thought you said ‘super’ like superheroes! I know how to play superheroes. Zoe and I used to play that all the time when we were little,” Connor smiled and tossed the cards into the air, giggling as they fluttered down on them like snowflakes.

Evan sighed. “Guess we’re done with card games,” he said and handed Connor his cards to toss into the air. He got up and stretched out his arms above his head. “I’m runnin’ to the bathroom. Get a movie or something set up while I’m gone.”

Connor gasped. “Can I get the cotton candy machine in here?!” He started bouncing around like a small child, his colored hair flying all over the place.

Evan couldn’t help the strings that tugged at his heart as he watched his friend bounce around. “Sure,” he shrugged before leaving.

Evan walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He did his business and went to wash his hands, but as he was using the soap dispenser, it slipped off the counter and into the trash can next to it. “Shit,” he hissed and reached in for it, much to his dismay. As he looked in for the soap bottle, a small glimmer caught his eye. He reached down a bit further and touched cold metal. Pulling out the object, Evan felt his heart race at the sight of a bloody razor, stripped from the plastic handle. Evan couldn’t help the terrible thoughts that filled his brain. The first one being is this Connors?

The boy carefully put the razor in his pocket, fished out the soap, washed and dried his hands, and walked out the bathroom. Evan tried convincing himself that Connor, his friend, would never do such horrible acts to himself. But he needed to see it to believe it.

He walked down the stairs, carefully avoiding being seen by Connor, and went into the living room. There, Cynthia was relaxed, reading a novel on the couch. Evan quietly walked over and glanced at her wrists, carful not to disturb her. Thankfully she was wearing a short sleeve shirt, so it was apparent that the razor was not hers.

Evan felt his anxiety start to kick in as he made his way to the garage where he was sure Larry would be. He knocked on the door leading to the garage before entering. “Hey, Mr. Murphy,” Evan greeted and walked over to him, noticing how Larry had rolled up his sleeves while working.

Larry smiled at Evan. “Hey, kid. What’re you doing down here? Aren’t you and Connor having some sort of sleepover?”

Evan nodded and watched him work on a baseball glove. “Yeah, but Connor has to set up his fu-er, fun cotton candy machine so I thought I’d see what you were doing while I waited,” he said, catching himself.

Mr. Murphy nodded and showed Evan the glove. “I’m just breaking in this glove for Connor. We’re doing a father-son baseball tournament at work. So I figured while you two were busy I’d do the hard work for him. Now all that’s left is to teach him the sport,” Larry laughed.

Evan nervously joined in his laughing when he saw no marks on either of his wrists. “Yeah. Okay, bye,” he said and quickly bolted back into the house.

Larry stood in his spot, watching Evan leave. “Was it something I said?”

Back inside, Evan tore up the stairs and knocked on Zoe’s door. As much as he’d hate to see either of the Murphy siblings hurting, he couldn’t help but hope that maybe Zoe cut her leg while shaving and the razor just so happened to pop out of the plastic handle. Yeah. That could happen. Right?

Zoe opened the door and let out a small smile. “Hey, Evan. What’s up?”

“Let me see your wrists.”

“What?” Zoe asked, stepping back slightly.

Evan shook his head. “I’m not gonna fucking hurt you. Just let me see your wrists.” Still nervously shaking, Zoe rolled up the sleeves of her sweater, showing the emo boy that there were no scars. “Shit.”

“Evan, what’s going on?” Zoe asked.

“Shit, shit, shit, no! No, no, no,” he mumbled as he turned away from her door and stared at the blue one across the hall.

Zoe rolled her eyes. “Whatever,” she said and shut her door.

Evan felt like he couldn’t breathe. Somehow, his shaking knees walked over to Connors door. He gripped the doorknob with white knuckles and opened it, stepping inside.

Connor smiled brightly at the sight of his friend. “Hey! You were taking so long I was worried you fell in,” he laughed. “Jared told me that one. Hey, you okay, Ev?” Connor asked when he noticed Evans peculiar stance.

Evan closed the door and walked over to his friend, his best friend. Staring at Connor, he gently pulled out the razor, showing it to him. “Connor…”

Connor felt like all of time stopped. His normally cheerful smile was gone and his wrists burned beneath his bracelet and jacket. His eyes, once full of happiness, were now consumed by fear. “You weren’t supposed to find that.”

“Connor, let me see.”

“No one was supposed to find that.”

“Connor, I need—“

“I’m such an idiot. I should’ve thrown it out at school.”

“We need to treat th—“

“I’m so stupid! What the fuck was I thinking?!”

Evan didn’t know how to respond. Connor never swore. He stayed silent, setting the razor down on his dresser, and listened to him rant.

“I should’ve taken out the trash, at least! Agh, I mess up everything! I’m a freak and an idiot! Just a bother to everyone! This is why it should’ve worked! Damn it, damn it, damn it!” Connor turned and punched the wall with every ‘damn it’ that slipped out of his lips. Even when he was done screaming, he kept punching. Even when his knuckles got so bloody you couldn’t see them, he kept punching. Even when Evan wrapped his arms around him in hopes of calming him down, Connor kept on punching. It wasn’t until his knees gave out and he needed Evan to support him that he stopped.

Evan gently lowered them to the ground. He pulled Connor into his lap, wrapping him up in his arms and stroking his hair, letting him cry till his lungs hurt. After a few minutes, the tears stopped pouring and only a few dripped down Connors red cheeks. “Let me see them, Con,” he whispered.

Connor slowly removed his metallic cuff bracelet and rolled down his jacket sleeves. Starting at his wrist, a bright pink line traced down to half way to his elbow. Evan felt his heart stop at the sight. They were new.

“I’m sorry, Evan. I’m so, so sorry,” Connor hiccuped.

“No, don’t be sorry, Con. You have nothing to be sorry for,” Evan cooed. “I’m going to get some supplies to clean these and your knuckles up, okay? I’ll be right back.” Evan picked Connor up and gently laid him down on his bed. He walked out, his heart breaking at the sounds of Connors sobs mixed with painful hiccups. Evan grabbed a first-aid kit, some saline, and a wash cloth from their linen closet before walking back to Connors room. He shut the door before joining Connor on his bed.

Connor immediately wrapped himself around his best friend, begging for the comfort he gave. Evan returned the hug, rubbing small circles on his back for a few moments before sitting up so that he could help his best friend. He first cleaned the blood off of Connor’s knuckles. Evan flinched when Connor let out a soft whimper. “Sorry,” he mumbled and continued. Evan poured some saline onto the wash cloth and turned to Connor. “This is going to sting, okay? I’m not doing it to hurt you, I’m doing it to help you.”

Connor nodded and gripped Evans arm. When he placed the cloth on his busted knuckles, Connor let out a yelp and buried his face into Evan’s shoulder, digging his nails into his arm.

Evan, although in slight pain from Connor’s nails, tried to work as fast he could. He didn’t want him to feel more pain than he already had. Evan finished up and grabbed bandages from the first aid kit. He wrapped them around his knuckles and, somehow managing to not redden his face, kissed the bandages like his mother used to do to him.

Connor smiled slightly at the kiss. He frowned, though, when Evan rolled up his sleeves. “No,” he stated and pulled his arms away.

Evan gently grabbed Connors hand in order to bring his arm back out to him. “I have to clean this, Con. You don’t want this getting infected. It’ll hurt even worse if this gets infected. I’ll be quick, I promise,” Evan explained in the calmest, non-swearing voice he could muster, given the circumstances. “You can hold my other hand if you want? Squeeze it when I put the saline on it so it hurts less.”

The pastel boy nodded and grabbed Evan’s left hand. He buried his face back into his shoulder so he wouldn’t have to watch. Evan quickly, but carefully, used the saline before wrapping his arm up in bandages. He switched hands with Connor so that he could finish the other arm. “There. We’re all done.”

Connor looked up at Evan. “Do we…do we have to talk about it?”

Evan sighed and set the supplies on the ground. “Not tonight. But we will have to eventually, okay?”

Connor nodded and crawled back into Evans lap. He laid his head on his chest, using Evans heartbeat to calm him down.

Evan once again wrapped his arms around Connor. His heart still stung, but he was sure to keep it beating steadily so Connor could relax.

Neither one knew who fell asleep first.

Evan woke up the next morning to a strand of pink hair in his mouth. “What the fuck?” Evan asked. He pulled the hair out of his mouth, not realizing it was still attached to the owner.

“Ow!” Connor yelped and rubbed his scalp. He opened his eyes, taking in the sight of Evans face just a few centimeters from his. “Morning,” he smiled.

Evan also noticed this fact as his heart rate sped up. “Morning,” he said. Before any other words were exchanged, Connors bedroom door was slammed open.

“Good morning, boys!” Cynthia smiled as she walked in. Evan turned away from Connor to face her as the taller boy quickly slipped his arms under the blankets to hide his bandages. “What’re we feeling today? Pancakes or waffles?”

Evan shrugged. “Doesn’t matter to me. Connor?”

Connor smiled brightly at his mom. “Pancakes with sprinkles?”

Cynthia nodded. “Sure thing! I’ll get right on those. They’ll be ready in ten,” she said before walking back out the door, closing it on her way.

Evan turned back to Connor. “Let’s find you a sweatshirt to cover those up,” he said and got out of bed. He went to Connors closet and looked for the biggest sweatshirt he owned. That way, it could slip over his hands to cover his knuckles and it wouldn't squeeze the bandages on his arms.

Finally, Evan found a big blue one and tossed it to his friend. Connor quickly slipped it on and stood up. “You wanna go get the pancakes now?”

“Sure,” Evan replied. Before Connor could walk away, Evan grabbed his hand. “After breakfast, let’s go for a walk, okay?”

Connor nodded and held Evans hand, walking out of the room and down the stairs. He waved at Zoe who was eating some pancakes at the table. “Morning, Zoe!”

Zoe nodded at them. “Morning.” She looked at their intertwined hands and shot Evan a questioning glance. Evan felt his face turn slightly pink, but didn’t let go.

After an artery clogging breakfast, with a few suggestive looks from Zoe to Evan, the pair of friends went on their walk. They clasped hands while wandering the quiet neighborhood, headed towards the nearby forest trails. As they got deeper into the forest, Evan spoke up. “Connor, can you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” Connor questioned, smiling at the scenery.

“Tell me what shit made you think you couldn’t live anymore,” Evan explained.

Connor sighed and stopped in the middle of the trees. He stood silent for a few moments, using Evans hand to keep him grounded. “Just…everything. I’m a freak, Evan. People like me are freaks. Does it sound like a seventeen year old boy should love cotton candy and rainbows and anything cute? My dad is so disappointed in me, my mom calls me her daughter to her new friends, and Zoe…gosh, Zoe can’t even be seen with me anymore,” he explained. Connor wiped some tears from his face, careful not to hurt his already damaged hand. “I don’t even know why you stick around with me. I’m obviously a nuisance, so why keep on hanging out with me? You’re only hurting yourself by staying my friend.”

Evan frowned and, without thinking, wrapped Connor up in a tight hug. “Connor, don’t you ever say you’re a fucking freak again, okay? You’re the most amazing person I know and if no one else in this shitty world can see that, then they don’t deserve to have you, got it?” Evan felt his stomach untwist slightly when Connor hugged him back. “And it’s my decision if I want to be your friend. I don’t give a fuck about what you might think, but you’re my best friend and you’re staying my best friend till the end of fucking time. Got it?”

Connor let out a small laughed and nodded. “Yeah. Got it.”

The pair stood in silence for a few minutes, hugging each other like the world depended on it. Evan was the first to speak up. “If you ever get thoughts like that again, call me, okay? I’ll drop everything I’m doing and fucking sprint if I have to to get you.”

The tall boy smiled. “Okay. Thank you, Ev,” Connor said and pulled away, grabbing Evan’s hand once again.

I couldn’t not write a tiny fic in response to this because Jared is my fav and this is absolutely adorable

“It’s a girl!”

You let out a sigh of relief. It was over. All the pain was over. And in return? A beautiful baby girl, Madelyn, to call your own. You felt Jared squeeze your hand. “You did it, Y/N. You did absolutely wonderful,” he smiled tiredly and placed a soft kiss on your temple.

When the doctor returned with your daughter, she gently set her in your waiting arms. But instead of crying as many children would after being born, Madelyn smiled and let out a big, bubbly laugh. Your heart swelled at the sound that filled the room. 

“Jare, you wanna hold her?” You asked, holding out the, still giggling, Madelyn.

Your husband nodded and scooped up the tiny girl. Her eyes opened wide, reveling a stunning green, matching her fathers. Jared couldn’t help but let out a small gasp at the beautiful sight. “Hey there, little one,” he whispered, reaching a finger out to stroke her soft cheek. Madelyn let out another laugh.

Evan smiled ever so slightly. “Um, what, or, who, what’s your name?”

He doesn’t recognize me? “I’m Connor Murphy.”

“Oh! You have the same last name as the King! Do you, are, um, are you related to him?”

Connor blames Evan’s adorable smile for his answer. “No. Just a coincidence.”

In which Connor hides the fact that he's the Prince in order to woe the new castle gardener.

WC: 781

Warning: Swearing

Lunch (Chap. 2)

Masterlist

Also on AO3 (Account time2dancecpj)

This will be a multi-chapter fic

Connor didn’t bother to cover the yawn that escaped his lips. He knew, Zoe knew, his parents knew, every person with even the slightest bit of common sense knew that ball planning was one of the most boring things in the world. So why did he have to hide that fact? Actually, why did he have to be here? He didn’t have a say in the plans, so why did he have to sit through thirty-two different auditions to be the balls musicians?