#hypergamyconfessions

So with regards to this point mentioned by anon let’s primarily keep in mind that all affluent circles are different. What they value will differ based on location, culture, upbringing, age demographic, often their religious views or lack there of. We can debate on this point for days on end about what we’ve encountered in different affluent circles and what rules we feel apply. There will be commonalities, but also a lot of differences in terms of what is valued.

Especially when we get niche specific, what I mean by niche specific is when you’re targeting affluent circles within different industries such as (business, tech, finance,science,medicine) or weather you’re wanting to break into clubs centred around hobbies such as (sailing,golfing,horse riding,art,academia, cycling) Different sets of rules will always apply from one circle to another for example if you become a member of the explorers club, you’ll come to find out that the people there value intellectual rigour and a curiosity for knowledge, because that is their ethos so you’ll easily build relationships there if that is a genuine interest of yours.

Anon is 100% correct though they can see through posturing. So in conclusion the key to overcoming this hurdle and successfully breaking into certain affluent circles in my opinion is to

1.) Get niche specific so that you’re building relationships with like minded people initially based off of your shared interests.

2.) Ensure this is a genuine interest and passion of yours, if it isn’t it will be easily detectable. You don’t have to know everything about what you’re interested in just a willingness to learn.

3.) Observe. Observe. Observe, humans are easily readable and what separates a unsuccessful social climber to a successful one is the ability to observe, learn and understand the environment you’re in to avoid making certain faux pas.

4.) If the circle you’re attempting to break into aren’t looking to expand their network to more people and are intent on gatekeeping, do not embarrass yourself by trying mold yourself to fit in with them. Just move on it’s never that deep

5.) Remember that every single person is or was a social climber in high society, they presently might not be but their great grandmother was. So there is absolutely no reason for you to be intimidated by them when most of them are just masking their insecurities underneath their Burberry coats.

6) Focus on finding your tribe of both affluent men and women who’s company you enjoy, rather than performing like a circus monkey to appeal to a group of people you don’t even like. Start with yourself and think about the kind of people you’d enjoy socialising with. The world is evolving at an extremely rapid pace. As someone in both business and tech, I can tell you that the number of millionaires keeps increasing by the day, so there is a man and a circle out there for you!

Thank you for coming to my Tedtalk 😂

THIS. IS. THE. BEST. ADVICE. EVER.

And I agree with absolutely everything you said. 😊

Very very true that every single circle is going to have its nuances so flexibility and ability to read a room is so incredibly important!

Also LOVE that you mentioned the importance of actually socializing with people you have shared interests with! Getting invited to exclusive events is great and all but if it means surrounding yourself with people you have nothing in common with, it's going to feel like torture.

Thank you for your Tedtalk. I loved it. It was incredibly enlightening.

I can say unequivocally as a black woman that when I walk into a high society setting, more men will look at and be receptive to me than any of my white counterparts. They are that much more intrigued by me not because I'm drop-dead gorgeous, but because I stand out.

Words to live by: Man always wants what he's never had.

I placed healing as the top priority, because a lot of women have unhealed trauma that’s distorted their world view. There is nothing worse than hurriedly choosing a spouse when you’re in a place of brokenness. I’ll spare you the horror stories I’ve witnessed as a result of this.

Unfortunately marriage, no matter how wealthy the spouse, cannot be the bandaid that will mask those open wounds.

So much focus is placed on finding a spouse rather than discovering who you are and developing yourself. If anything that’s the true hurdle, outside of correct positioning, to many women connecting with potential quality men.

You have no idea who you are and you’re hoping that this other human being will somehow be the answer to all your problems and your refusal to look inwards.

Newsflash he won’t. If he is a quality match he will walk right past you because a quality man wants a woman who’s invested in her self actualization. If he is a predator with a host of issues he will offer you the world right before he pulls the rug from underneath your feet seeing as his found the perfect naive victim.

There is no wall, I know several women who’ve married well into their 30s. So let’s rid ourselves of that notion. Get married when you truly feel ready and for the right reasons, weather that’s in your 20s,30s or 40s. Your worth as a woman isn’t limited to you carrying a man’s last name, it’s truly a shame if you think it is.

Focus on pouring into yourself and showing up as the highest version of yourself first. A peak at some of the asks on tumblr show how little so many black women think of themselves. If you fail to recognize your self worth no one else will.

-Thank you for coming to my TED Talk, pardon my rant.

Kisses Ms Deveraux 💋

Unparalleled insight once again, thank you Ms. Devaraux.

To summarize some of the AMAZING points made:

Healing is paramount. Marriage is not a band-aid for trauma.

Focusing solely on finding a spouse and not prioritizing self-discovery can be the greatest hurdle one can face in finding quality men.

Neither a man nor a marriage can or will be the answers to your problems.

Like attracts like, so to get a quality man you have to invest in self-actualization.

There is NO wall, so get married when you TRULY feel ready to get married.

If you fail to recognize your self worth no one else will.

Thank you for your TED Talk, it was incredibly enlightening.

when you get off social media and actually step out into the real world, nobody cares about the beauty standard. NOBODY. nobody is going to call you ugly because you’re not tanned with blonde hair and a small waist.

i’ve seen the prettiest grown African ladies get courted by men who look at them like they’re goddesses, i’ve seen ‘regular’ black girls get chatted up just by wearing ‘normal’ clothes, i’ve even gotten free stuff and $200 gift cards at 19 y/o even when i was at my heaviest weight and not dolled up.

black women (especially dark skinned women) are celebrated and pampered all around the world. people see us as ‘exotic’ especially in Asian and European countries but that’s a good thing. they treat you extra special. so forget the European ‘beauty standard’ and just take care of yourself, make sure you look good, learn about your body type, experiment with makeup etc. and put yourself out there. because the love outweighs the hate.

and you know who’s intimidated by successful black women? people who are too scared to even attempt what you’ve accomplished. do you think other successful women are worrying about other people being intimidated by them, people who aren’t even on their level? hell no. go get that degree, apply for that job, start that business, do whatever you want to do. the real world is not against you and you will achieve everything that you want to accomplish.

Thank you, anon. This is wonderful.

100% agree! While having the goal of attaining trophy wife status is completely fine, it’s not financially safe to solely rely on your spouses finances.

It’s important to remember that prenups are no joke and if a man has family money, there’s a big chance his family will do everything in their power to keep that money out of your pockets if you get a divorce.

No matter who you’re married to or how much you trust them, you NEED something to fall back on in case things don’t go as planned.

While I don’t think the “you need to be realistic, not everyone is going to marry rich” message is helpful, I do think many of us would be marrying up and fully happy with a guy (for instance) working in finance that’s making $300-500k+ by the time he’s in his 30s. This way you’re not skipping men that would be great fathers/husbands/providers just bc you won’t have a private jet.