as much as he hates to admit it, heād been hesitant at first. joining any well pre-established group is scary ( not that won would really have known that before now, but he thinks better late than never to find out ) and to do so for something so important ( at least to him, all of this still painfully fresh ) amplifies each of his worries by triple, maybe even quadrupleĀ the size. his confidence comes and goes like a tidal wave, crashes down on him and splutters aĀ āyes!ā from his lips when heās asked if heād like to be part of the collaboration, yet washes away later that night, a cold sweat running down his spine as he makes an categorised mental list of all the ways this could go wrong. neither are overly pleasant, the can-do attitude overwhelms him, makes his bones ache long before they should, and the worry keeps him from getting the rest he needs but he knows he has to do this ā to make a good first impression.Ā
still, itās hard to ignore the urge to clean the dirt from under his nails ( even when itās long gone ) and stretch and fold his legs in front of him restlessly when his seniors are so close by and the pressure weighs his shoulders down to the floor. he knows heās thinking about this far too deeply, making a mountain out of a molehill, but all heās ever wanted to do was please those around him, even if a bitterness does run a little deeper in his blood.Ā
he glances at hyojong out of the corner of his eye. maybe the other doesnāt notice but won doesnāt hold his breath; subtlety has never been his strong suit. instead, he accepts his fate, continues to nervously fidget until pins and needles settle in his right foot. karma, he supposes.Ā
āh-hey, so youāve been here a lil while, right? so you guys have done a lot of collaborations together before?āĀ
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since there wasn't much time left, until his contract run out and he didn't know if he would get a chance to renew it or what he should do in that case, he decided to have as much fun as possible. sure, he was more of a perfectionist, and he strived to give his best, whenever another evaluation was coming around the corner, but he somehow felt like in these last 6 weeks he shouldn't be as stiff as the past two years. everytime he tried to be serious about a performance, he was looking grim and even older than he actually was, so loosen himself up was something he should at least try once. but when he was observing at himself going through his chosen song's dance routine, the rapper somehow felt he was looking too loosened up. sure the dance of "shall we dance" was kinda relaxed and not sticking to perfection that much, but gray wasn't too sure, if he should seem like making fun of the trainers who came up with this month's task.
while still trying to fix his derpy dance moves, he heard someone coming into the practice room. gray stopped for a momet and put the music on pause, to turn around and greet his fellow trainee. then he took his water bottle and took a big sip, before giving out a big sigh. "this is much harder, than it thought it would be..." the male ruffled through his hair, thinking hard.
(* jaewon hasnāt been this excited in a while. heās been in much better spirits as of late-- despite the setbacks heās experienced. heās dipped a toe back into society, so to speak, and smiles come just a little bit easier recently. to be quite fair, however-- his good mood today has anything and everything to do with the male walking next to him. ) ... (* he glances over at the other silently, the colorful, bendy straw of his juice pouch hovering at the edge of his lips which quickly curl up at the corners. he canāt remember the last time theyād been able to spend time together like this in public-- even if they canāt hold hands or even if he canāt show the other all the affection that he wants to-- itās still a good feeling. he holds his pouch out for the other boy with a soft hum. ) try some of this hyo-- itās good. (* his eyes are darting around to take in the sights as much as possible, before they fix on an attraction in the distance: a large, inflatable castle, miraculously almost devoid of festival goers for the time being. he points at it, blinking at hyojon with wide, round eyes. ) letās go on that one!
a groan slips past baekhyunās lips as he slides onto the polished floor with exhausted limbs, shining underneath him because of the bright neon lights lining up on the ceiling. mouth parted, sucking in air as his breath is still heavy, chest rising and falling quickly. baekhyunās eyes flutter shut for a brief moment. āgod,ā he says, and itās a mixture of another groan and a whine, āthis heat is unbearable.ā they fall back open and one of his hands comes up to push his fringe out of his face, strands of hair damp with sweat. water dripping down the side of his face. his shirt is sticking to his back as well like a second skin -- everything just feels gross.
his other hand reaches for the collar of his shirt, pulling it away to fan himself a little. itās not like it helps much, though.
it seems like nothing can help right now when the roomās air conditioning is broken, only to repaired the upcoming day. no windows to open, no way to let the stuffy and humid air escape; if they open the door, the music will blast through the halls and thatās not good as well. no other room is free, only those where air conditioning is broken as well, every other room cramped with trainees trying to go with their practice under humane conditions.
so, heās stuck here with hyojong.
baekhyun isnāt sure anymore if suffering through this is better than staying in a single room with thirty other trainees, though. he leans over, body spreading across the floor to reach for his water bottle. āwatch me die of a heat stroke.ā he makes a face. āthey canāt do this! they should fix stuff like this immediately!ā
june 2018 evaluationsĀ
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā part 1. preparation !
the last few weeks have been despondently glum.Ā
life in general just doesnāt seem to be looking up for her at the moment, save for a few glimpses of a smile here and there. jisoo takes pride over the fact that she does not feel sentimentality quite often and sadness is more of a foreign concept. but beyond frustration, itās what she has been feeling more or less over the course of the month.
she knew it was brought upon by her chaotic fight with hyojong and jennieās inevitable moving out. between these two occurrences, a lot of things just doesnāt step right into place.
her coping mechanism during the off chance when she feels sadness or anger used to always be in the form of finding a character to embody who has a lot of similar pent up negative energies -- they really arenāt so difficult to find. sheād memorize lines, let a few tears out, and even scream if she has to. at the end of the day the emotional release would bring her comfort and a clearer sense of mind. but this time around, the monthās evaluation offered the perfect opportunity to change gears. perhaps being one with a character would have to be done some other time.
the first color that popped into her head was red forĀ it was the color best associated with feelings of anger. but it has been weeks since the fight and after sheās had much time to think about it, she is just left with feelings of hopelessness. and the same thing goes with her feelings about jennieās debut and impending moving out. jisoo recognizes that sheās bounded by selfishness but that in reality, sheās got nothing to do about it. so it appears that the month of june has wrapped her in unwarranted feelings of hopelessness unlike anything she has experienced before.
but sheās not a quitter -- she knows how to turn her hopelessness into hopefulness.
blue. she thinks; the color of hope and of holding onto good things. of realizing that people would always have problems but that doesnāt mean she shouldnāt rise above them. itās all just a part of the never ending turn of life, as always.
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mga season 4 ... episode 2
#4041 -- jung jaewonĀ performing ::
how r u todayĀ < 0:00 - 0:40 // 1:24 - 1:43 >
-- instrumental [ x ] < 2:04 - 2:24 >
his pen taps restlessly against the corner of his lips as he sits cross legged on the floor, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. he resorts to biting on the end of the cap before heās readjusting-- his arms at an awkward position with his guitar wedged between his body and the low coffee table. he manages to reach his notebook anyway, scribbling on it haphazardly and dropping the pen to the side, replacing it with a guitar pick between his teeth as he strums quietly.
he is so focused that he barely registers the soft thudding of padded feet along the scuffed hardwood of his floors, until the nudge of a wet snout against his arm has him pulled out of his trance. he blinks at his dog who has plopped right next to him, reaching out to scratch between the pupās ears.Ā āwhatās up, dubu?ā
his voice falls on deaf ears, and jaewon follows his petās line of gaze to fix on the television muffled in the background. he blinks, letting out a soft huff of surprise at his own face filling the screen, grabbing the remote to turn the volume up just the slightest.Ā āyouāre right, dubu. thatās me!ā he places his guitar aside to scoop up his pet, ignoring the fact that heās grown slightly too large to be considered a lap dog anymore. neither of them mind, as dubu settles down so happily in his lap that he has to view the tv through wisps of fur on top of the dogās head.
āthatās me.ā
jaewon isnāt quite sure how heās made it here. as in-- to the second round of the show. heād watched the first episode as heās sure many people had, and heād been in awe at the talent. not that heād been expecting much less-- but still.
heās not sure how he made it.
all he knows is that for the first time in quite a long time... his brain had kicked into overdrive and heād started writing lyrics in a frenzy. heād spent hours on youtube finding a song to play and heād even decided to rummage into his old instruments-- managed to unearth his old guitar. heād had to spend a good amount of time tuning it until it sounded presentable.
but here he was, his beat up case strapped around his shoulder and slung across his back, and he feels slightly out of place. heās the picture of ease-- not a wrinkle line or furrow of his brow in sight, but a close look shows his lips moving subtly, rehearsing silently. heās got his earbuds plugged in as he sits and waits, a recording of his own voice making him wince.
here he was, hands still and calm as they call his name for the stage.
he walks with a calm gait, brushing his overgrown bangs out of his face with one hand, the other holding onto the strap of his case as if for security. he takes his place behind the microphone, gives a small bow, before heās slinging his guitar around his shoulder, feeling it rest comfortably across his hip.
he opens his mouth, the intake of breath caught in the sensitive mic before the first few, clear notes of his voice travel throughout the studio, the strumming of his guitar following soon after.
he feels bad, but eternally grateful, for hyojong-- whoād gotten the brunt of the shaky warble of a singing voice as he was preparing in the dead of the night (no matter how quiet heād tried to be). with his partnerās ears and advice, even though jaewon was far from perfect, he could at least hold his voice steady and clear at this kind of range.
āhow are you today
how are you doing?
how are you today
seems like Iām the only one like thisā
and from there he launches into his own lyrics, rapping over the steady strum of his own hand-- he wills them not to shake. the lyrics this time arenāt anything too substantial-- nothing too permanent.
theyāre vague, inconspicuous, written just to be written about nothing in particular. written with the idea-- the concept of a bittersweet line of thinking. written in a way that anyone can relate, and while performing it, jaewon finds himself thinking of his mother. he guesses, in a way, the lyrics werenāt so nonsensical after all.
but no one really needed to know, and if the slight frustration, the slight longing bleeds into his voice near the end, he wonāt know until the episode airs.
the last twenty seconds or so, jaewon focuses on the guitar, having finished his rap. finished his piece, his message. he focuses on the way his fingers move, focuses on the dull sting of the strings against his fingertips until he finishes the last stretch, leaning forward against the microphone to deliver the last line.
āhope youāre doing well.ā
Ā and with that his playing stops as well, and he collects everything before he finally flashes a gentle smile at the panel and everyone in the studio-- and at the cameras.
jaewon doesnāt get nervous, but his hands shake. he checks his phone, calms his breathing briefly after scrolling through his texts with hyojong-- it helps a little. he tucks his phone away, his hands shake less.
he looks at them dully-- wipes them on the side of his pants before he hides them behind his back, between his back and the back of the chair-- hiding them from view. the bass rings heavy in his ears as one by one, his group members step up and perform, mouths pressed close to the mic, varying levels of tenor and baritone blasting through the speakers as the judges watch and scribble on their little notepads.
he leans back against the chair, eyes open and staring intently at each contestant-- heās not really looking at them though. he is, however, listening avidly, the music and style of each individual pounding through his brain. thereās a lot happening-- he hears the shuffle of nervous feet, the hushed whispers of peoplr rapping under their breath, the pacing of the current contestant as they spit into the mic. and then all of it comes to an abrupt halt. it is silent.
ājung jaewon.ā
he stands up and exhales slowly.
itās different-- it has to be. he hasnāt performed like this-- if ever, in front of a panel of judges. and heās never performed lyrics like this. when he writes, he likes to create stories-- he does it often for other artsits. heās a good storyteller.
but when he performs them himself, he likes to portray them as such-- just stories. and if this particular song has anything to do with his life, well. nobody has to know.
he takes his place in the middle of the room, mic stand set up. he adjusts it, lowers it a bit so it takes itās place directly in front of his lips. he doesnāt move, however-- he plants his feet, but makes sure his body can sway freely. the first beats of the track he roughly threw together begins to play, and his mouth opens-- a breath can be heard in the sensitive speakers before his voice spills out.
Iām sure there were a lot of hard times
Iām sure there were a lot of days in tears
Did you think about me at those times?
Or did you comfortably just cry?
A lot of things happen to me too
There were times I thought things were going well
Then things broke down a few times
I wish I could talk to you like I did before
But I shouldnāt so I just need to leave this here
and if these are words heās wanted to say to someone for a long time-- nobody has to know.
Hey, itās been a while
How are you doing these days?
At these typical questions
I have typical answers
I know
Iām gettinā by
Iām gettinā by
Iām just gettinā by
(* itās a little messy-- thereās clothes strewn about, suitcases half unpacked, skin products and books and sheet music lying haphazardly around the living room and forming a trail into his bedroom. dubu treads through the chaos like itās an landmine, nose wrinkled in irritation-- though, the overall effect is nullified by the little plush pumpkin pin jaewon has clipped onto the snowy white fur atop the dogās head, right between his ears. ) ... (* but, jaewon canāt quite find it in himself to care, even though, somewhere, a voice in the back of his brain is nagging him that he should get his life together-- but itās been there for a while. instead, he is wrapped up in a fluffy duvet, happily curled up against hyojong on his couch, some old american horror film flickering in his irises as he looks at the tv screen. heād gotten a haircut during his visit to his hometown in the phillippines-- so his bangs just brush the tips of his eyelashes. )
(* his attention doesnāt stay fixed on the tv for long, as he tilts his head to look at his boyfriend, expression relaxed. he stretches up to press a kiss against his lips, a content hum rumbling in his chest as he nuzzles against his jaw. )Ā āwhat should we watch after this?ā