#jw.solo

jaewon isn’t quite sure how he’s made it here. as in-- to the second round of the show. he’d watched the first episode as he’s sure many people had, and he’d been in awe at the talent. not that he’d been expecting much less-- but still.

he’s not sure how he made it.

all he knows is that for the first time in quite a long time... his brain had kicked into overdrive and he’d started writing lyrics in a frenzy. he’d spent hours on youtube finding a song to play and he’d even decided to rummage into his old instruments-- managed to unearth his old guitar. he’d had to spend a good amount of time tuning it until it sounded presentable.

but here he was, his beat up case strapped around his shoulder and slung across his back, and he feels slightly out of place. he’s the picture of ease-- not a wrinkle line or furrow of his brow in sight, but a close look shows his lips moving subtly, rehearsing silently. he’s got his earbuds plugged in as he sits and waits, a recording of his own voice making him wince.

here he was, hands still and calm as they call his name for the stage.

he walks with a calm gait, brushing his overgrown bangs out of his face with one hand, the other holding onto the strap of his case as if for security. he takes his place behind the microphone, gives a small bow, before he’s slinging his guitar around his shoulder, feeling it rest comfortably across his hip.

he opens his mouth, the intake of breath caught in the sensitive mic before the first few, clear notes of his voice travel throughout the studio, the strumming of his guitar following soon after.

he feels bad, but eternally grateful, for hyojong-- who’d gotten the brunt of the shaky warble of a singing voice as he was preparing in the dead of the night (no matter how quiet he’d tried to be). with his partner’s ears and advice, even though jaewon was far from perfect, he could at least hold his voice steady and clear at this kind of range.

“how are you today how are you doing? how are you today seems like I’m the only one like this”

and from there he launches into his own lyrics, rapping over the steady strum of his own hand-- he wills them not to shake. the lyrics this time aren’t anything too substantial-- nothing too permanent.

they’re vague, inconspicuous, written just to be written about nothing in particular. written with the idea-- the concept of a bittersweet line of thinking. written in a way that anyone can relate, and while performing it, jaewon finds himself thinking of his mother. he guesses, in a way, the lyrics weren’t so nonsensical after all.

but no one really needed to know, and if the slight frustration, the slight longing bleeds into his voice near the end, he won’t know until the episode airs.

the last twenty seconds or so, jaewon focuses on the guitar, having finished his rap. finished his piece, his message. he focuses on the way his fingers move, focuses on the dull sting of the strings against his fingertips until he finishes the last stretch, leaning forward against the microphone to deliver the last line.

“hope you’re doing well.”

 and with that his playing stops as well, and he collects everything before he finally flashes a gentle smile at the panel and everyone in the studio-- and at the cameras.

he takes his place in the middle of the room, mic stand set up. he adjusts it, lowers it a bit so it takes it’s place directly in front of his lips. he doesn’t move, however-- he plants his feet, but makes sure his body can sway freely. the first beats of the track he roughly threw together begins to play, and his mouth opens-- a breath can be heard in the sensitive speakers before his voice spills out.

I’m sure there were a lot of hard times I’m sure there were a lot of days in tears Did you think about me at those times? Or did you comfortably just cry? A lot of things happen to me too There were times I thought things were going well Then things broke down a few times I wish I could talk to you like I did before But I shouldn’t so I just need to leave this here

and if these are words he’s wanted to say to someone for a long time-- nobody has to know.

the first part is easy. it’s one of the first songs jaewon had learned to play after he’d gotten this weird little instruments-- he knew it like the back of his hand. and it’s always been one of his favorites. besides, he can pracically hear jinseok crowing with laughter, somewhere either backstage or in the audience, and the thought pulls up the corners of his lips.

he transitions smoothly into his second song, long fingers moving rhythmically against his instrument as he plays the smooth, jazzy intro. eventually on the last note, he opens his mouth and lets the mouthpiece fall away as he lifts the instrument over his head and sets it aside. he moves to the keyboard he’d requested to be set up center stage, fingers hovering over the plastic keys as he leaned in close to the microphone, back hunched over.

he glances at the audience before he starts. he doesn’t give any time to let himself think or second-guess himself. 

he dives into the lyrics he’d pulled from an old notebook, a very old one in fact, back from around when he first entered the underground music scene. he touched it up and practice it for a few days straight, leading up to the contest with no one but his dog as a witness, who liked to join in with his little barks.

his voice is a little hoarse from getting over a cold-- but he supposes it fits the song considering it’s original singer.

he lets his voice fade out as he plays the last notes of the last measure.

there were quite a few things he wasn’t expecting.

jaewon hadn’t expected to be grouped with such supporting teammates. considering the advancement of the show and the nature of the competition, he had been prepared to give this a try almost completely on his own. but, not only did some of his teammates reach out to help him-- he also found he got along quite well with all of them, feeling comfortable in their presence as they all practiced together.

in the beginning-- jaewon clearly struggles. his eyebrows are always furrowed as he intently listens to whoever is teaching the current part of choreography-- his movements unsure, lips opening to ask many questions as he tries to get everything down. the last thing he wanted was to be the one to hold his team back.

he finds memorizing the moves to not be that difficult. the difficult part is making them look presentable-- the difficult part is trying to convince himself, or their audience for that matter, that he knows what he’s doing. that he’s confident in his performance. 

he continues to feel bad the entire time-- being that he was next to useless with adding onto choreo, other than a few small notes here and there while the others were working on it. but despite his quiet and generally lackluster enthusiasm, jaewon is nothing if not hardworking. so he takes everything that is taught to him and everything that is assigned to him, and practices it tenfold. and more often then not (though it’s not just him, it varies but they all take turns) he practices late into the night, until his nearly non-existent stamina is begging him to stop. he also watches the others avidly, surveying them (as well as staring in awe, especially as jinsoul and longguo practice their drop.)

he does, however, discover that his meticulousness does come in handy, and plays an active part in reviewing their performance by pointing out instances where they weren’t in sync, or where they were slightly off beat, and other things of that sort. with this in mind, he helps the team clean up the routine before performance date rolls around.

there are some festivities before then-- and before practice one morning (early, early in the morning), jaewon takes a detour to his old job to pick up a cake for one of their members. they’d planned this beforehand-- discrepancies occur while they’re practicing, and jaewon is very good at going with the flow-- his expression tight and concerned at the same time as he chases a flustered and upset changmin out of the room. but-- they share secret smiles as jaewon grabs the previously prepared cake and they carry it into the room, the other three bursting into song. it’s things like this-- jaewon doesn’t have to consciously force the smile onto his face. it’s natural-- and it’s genuine.

and like that the delve back into practice. jaewon is constantly grateful (though surprised) when his teammates check up on him. he can’t help the fond smile he gives naturally when changmin sidles over to assist with his overenthusiastic clapping-- and heeds very seriously the advice that yoongi gives to him:  “relax. the moves won’t look right if you’re too focused on ‘em. think too much on one thing an’ you’ll start lackin’ everywhere else.”

so once jaewon is sure he knows the choreography (and he has the team’s core choreographers to thank, for making it simple enough for him to accomplish), he focuses on enjoying it, instead of forcing it.

and sooner than he wants it to, of course, the day of his first team stage rolls around.

he’s on stage. they’re on stage and he’s flashing his signature smile at the crowd as he and his teammates introduce themselves as team boom boom!

he takes a deep breath, the mic taped to his mouth a foreign but not unwelcome feeling. jaewon is not the sentimental type (outwardly)-- but in the few heartbeats before their song begins, he thinks about his team and the work they put in for the past week-- and strengthens his resolve.

so there is a fire in his eyes when his head snaps up once the beat drops, his lips quirked up at the corners as he drops into a squat, so that the other members are able to be seen behind him, longguo making a cute heart at the audience.

he pops back up and moves into their formations as the song transitions, keeping everything he practiced in mind as he shuts the logical part of his brain down-- and enjoys the performance.

rather than focusing on what he couldn’t do-- he focuses on the things he learned how to do.

so he keeps his gaze level on the audience, performing the routine precisely but calmly-- trying not to force energy that he didn’t have and instead, utilize the energy that he did. he makes sure to smile for his parts, though it’s more of a grin than a toothy smile. but, when it’s his turn to clap solo as the rest of his team turns their heads to them, he does practically beam before it subdues into his normal grin, eyebrow quirking as the corners of his lips turn up before he’s moving back into position.

somewhere in the back of his brain, jaewon is chanting don’t mess up, don’t trip, don’t think too much about it, stop thinking so hard. but outwardly, he is calm as ever, moving through the performance fluidly until it gets to the area he worried most about-- his brief solo near the end of the song.

he executes it the way sua taught it to him, and adds a tiny bit of very simple toprocking he’d learned, a charming smile stretching across his face as he moves out of the way for yoongi to take center. and the performance has flown by because contrary to his belief, jaewon was having fun. and he joins the rest of his team in forming a half circle around changmin as he strikes his final bboy pose.

jaewon’s chest rises and falls-- and the adrenaline is still rushing through him as they stay on stage breilfy before taking their exit. and he is untaping the mic, ruffling his hair, his hands doing anything to keep themselves busy. and he’s not sentimental, normally, but his voice does go a bit quiet as he mutters to each of his team members, sincerely, 

it’s deja vu, it really is. that’s what jaewon thinks as he stands, waiting for his turn to once again step on that stage. it’s a stage filled with bitterness-- it’s almost palpable. he can practically feel detmination radiating off of each and every person that he passes-- all returning contestants who are out to avenge themselves, to make their loved ones proud, to succeed out of spite-- to prove that they’re worth more than originally believed.

jaewon thinks about his family-- the family tied to him by blood, found himself thinking more than he’d like about whether they saw him on tv (unlikely), whether they were keeping up with him (also unlikely). but then he thinks about family defined by the people that he loves, and finds himself thinking he falls somewhere in between the second and the last category.

he’s devoid of a guitar case this time. dressed head to toe simply in all black, from his boots to his ripped jeans, to his plain tshirt and even his hooded jacket. he’s finally gone to get his hair cut for the first time in about a year, the sides trimmed and his bangs pushed out of his face. even with his hat shoved over his head, the style of his hair is visibly neater, less unruly. 

when he takes the stage, his stance is relaxed-- as it normally is in the way he carries himself. outwardly? he doesn’t appear any less calm. he grips the microphone the same way, he stands in the middle of the stage the same, he smiles at the panel exactly the same.

but there’s a glint in his eyes that was missing before, a small spark that resonates a determination, a hope that he hasn’t really felt for a long time. rather than anyone else-- jaewon feels a need to prove to himself that he’s going in the right direction. he already loves music, and he’s determined not to have to give it up. he needs to know that he can succeed at it.

“hello. my name is jung jaewon,” his voice is quiet but clear, louder than it was before. “i thought a lot about what you told me, last time i stood here in front of you, about the effort i put into my performance,” he admits honestly, eyes focused, flickering just a second longer over so jisub before fixing on a point right behind the judging panel. “and i’m hoping today i’ll be able to change your mind about me.”

he gives an almost ninety degree bow before he pulls the microphone off of the stand, nodding at the sound technician for the music to start. the heavy instrumental pounds through the room, reverberating, filling jaewon’s senses and resonating in his bloodstream, in his veins, all the way to his fingers that twitch before he opens his mouth and inhales sharply.

and his exhale comes in the form of words he’s scribbled down onto the pages of his notebook, that he’s written and crossed and written all over again. and in this one instance, different from the others, jaewon is vulnerable. instead of the inconspicious lyrics he’d written before about some fake romance or whatever, he’s written about himself. about his inefficiencies, about his insecurities, about his fear.

he still paints it as a story, and if you don’t listen too closely, it might just sound like angry rapping.

but unlike the other performances he’s given, these lyrics mean something to him.

he’s telling his story.

he reaches the pre-written chorus now, his voice growing louder in volume than it’s ever been, his head bobbing to the rhythm, fingers gripping tight around the microphone as he staggers back and forth.

forgive my evil sins do you know that, you know that give me courage, love and wisdom please give me the light

he finally looks up, at the room of chairs, at the judges, as the end of his song draws near, moving back to center stage and rocking to the beat in one spot.

so i can breathe rely on something so you can live guide me, who is slowly turning off please give me the light

the music cuts off abruptly with the last word that he leaves his lips, and the sound of his breathing echoes slightly in the mic as he draws it away from his mouth and puts it back onto the stand. 

“thank you. i hope to see you again soon.”