#hs tl

Lt. Antoni Valenza

(It wouldn’t be like this) “Antoni, it’s Liara. I need to see you as soon as it is possible. Preferably, in the next few hours.” Liara. He hadn’t seen her since before Alchera. He stares dumbly at the interface. She was still beautiful, appearing unscarred by the catastrophe that befell the SR-1. And Shepard. Her eyes carry the sense of urgency stressed in her tone however and that was enough to pique his curiousity. He supposed some part of him still wanted to function normally despite the circumstances. “Antoni, please. I know things have not been easy for you, but it’s really very urgent. Will you meet me at the docks?” “Yes. I’m sorry. Liara,” his answer comes stiffly, unnatural. “I’ll meet you. What is this about?” “I’ll explain as soon as I’m there.” He nods, an even more stiff notion. It felt like he hadn’t moved in ages. Maybe he hadn’t. The medication seemed to work, after all. --- Liara spots Antoni in the docking bay and rushes over to meet him. He looks haggard, exhausted. The cocky strut had died. He walked like he’d prefer not to move at all. The usually proud shoulders were slumped. Dark circles hung below his eyes like crescent moons. One hand was bound in a cast. His hair was an absolute travesty. She knew he’d suffered, but to see his suffering in person was an entirely different story. “Oh, goddess, Antoni,” she gasped and wrapped her arms around his neck. “You don’t look so great yourself,” was his uncharacteristically numb tone. No humor to be had. “What’s this about?” “I wouldn’t come if it weren’t important but there’s something I need to show you. I don’t have a lot of time.” This seemed to grab his attention. She parted him and fell in at his side as they made way for Feron’s ship. “What have you been up to?,” he asked, and seemed to grab at his ribs as he forced himself into action. “A great deal,” was her answer, then pressed her lips together as though containing everything she wanted to say. -- Once at the airlock, Toni leaned against it for support on the undamaged arm. He glimpsed the inside of the messy ship. Hardly space worthy. One chair. Cords and cables lay unsecured on the bare metal floor. It was nothing of special note. But, then again, his primary focused remained on her. He asked again, “So, what’s this about?” Liara drew in a deep breath. Her eyes seemed to widen as she struggled for words, then hesitated as her lips parted. “Liara.” “I found him,” she said immediately. “Him?,” Toni’s green eyes narrowed at her. When she didn’t answer, eyes darting to and fro nervously, he took her meaning. “What... I don’t... Is-Iska-n...” He couldn’t even get the name loose from his lips, a name long denied to his own mouth. She burst at the seams. “His body was missing from Alchera, Antoni. I went to discover why and who. But he’s currently in my possession, on this ship.” Toni’s legs wobbled and he sagged against the airlock entrance. “I-I’m... what? Th-they said....” “I know what they told you. It was a lie. The Shadow Broker was going to hand his body over to the Collectors.” The shaken man, who had once been a close friend, stared at her. His skin flushed. Sweat beaded at his temples. Rage spread across his fine features, pinched his expression. “The hell are you talking about?! It’s a fucking fairy tale, Liara! A ghost story to scare people away from the Terminus system!” She shook her head, “I’m sorry, Antoni. I’ve encountered them in person. I fought them to retrieve Shepard. They’re real. But I don’t know what they intended with Shepard’s body.” Silence. Antoni knew Liara wouldn’t lie. Not about something this serious. Not when it came to Shepard. He stares, dumbfounded, unbelieving. Everything felt surreal. She stood nervously, wrenching her fingers. Then his eyes met hers again and the look on his face was nothing short of anguish. The overwhelming need to comfort him swelled within her and before she could take a step forward to do just that, he spoke, “Let me see him.” --- “It’s sealed,” she said pointing to the life pod. “I don’t know his status.” She lied. She’d seen the body close enough to gauge whether or not life was still possible at this state. It was charred, ruined. All the glory and perfection that had been Commander Shepard lie devastated. Antoni was already in poor state. It was better not let him see the love of his life brutally ravaged beyond recognition. “How do you know it’s him?,” Toni asks, his voice barely a whisper, but it seemed to fill the interior of the ship with overwhelming sorrow. “I found this,” she said, stepping forward with something clutched in her hand. Toni opened his hand and she dropped the object into his palm. It was a charred warped band of gold. He shook his head. The longer he stared, the more violent his denial. Then with the casted hand, plucked it up and examined it closer. Inside the band was an inscription, half worn. 7 Alwa. Tears streamed down his face. “Oh, fuck,” he croaked. “Since N7. Always.” Liara was already regretting this side trip but knew Antoni needed closure. It was better than wondering what had happened to Iskandar. Maybe it would help him heal. “I know this is hard. I’ll give you a few minutes.” Then she left, footsteps fading past the airlock.

-- On weak legs, Antoni stumbled to the metal casket. He supposed it was that, at least. Then sagged against its side, unable to keep up his strength. His vision was blurred and head ached. The blood in veins rushed through him as emotion welled. “Goddamnit,” he couldn’t help but sob. “I fucking watched you go out. I broke my hand punching the pod door while I listened to you struggle to breathe. I thought maybe... maybe there was hope, at first, but then debris from the ship hit your line and...” He paused, to cry, to catch his breath. Powerful waves of emotion welled up, overcame his ability to speak. He stuttered. “I watched you...kick and struggle. I couldn’t bel—” Another pregnant pause. “Iskandar, you were my world. My reason to breathe. To get up in the morning. I had everything because of you. I had hope and reason to fight, to live. I remember meeting you, that face, those curls... I thought about that moment over and over. About how fucking cruel the universe is to deny you life, you of all people—!” He was so angry, he suddenly couldn’t breathe. A panicked attempt to draw in air followed, to control the rage. Choked words came. Choked and stuttered but true. He dug into them hard, held them with rage and vehemence. “You gave me so much when I thought I had nothing. You showed me hope and determination and a kindness I hadn’t thought existed. I am so in love with you. Everything about you. Your charity and patience and thoughtfulness. I always wondered what you saw in me, some guy like me who knew nothing, who was nothing. From the start, I was nothing, just barely alive, searching for purpose, for someone to understand me. I still... How am I supposed to go on without you? What...am I supposed to do?! How can I find reason to fucking exist with you gone from me and all that made me in the years we stood side-by-side was because of you! Without you, I may as well be fucking dust! Nothing! Again!” Then the tears fell, steady and thick. They stung his cheeks. “I miss you so goddamn much... I wish I could have went with you. I would have preferred to, rather than to know life without you again, to feel that absence and void... I don’t want to live without you... I just want an end to this...I want to join you...Fuck living. Fuck this life.... What is there left?” Silence fell. He sagged against the pod, head hung low. The tears still coursed down his face. A few minutes later, Liara returned. There was a soft gasp and she was at his side, scooping him up and bringing him against her. She softly rocked him in her arms, resting her cheek against his forehead. “Oh, Antoni...” “What’s going to happen to him?,” he asked. His voice cracked. “Are you turning him over to the Alliance?” He felt her breath catch up in her chest. “N-no,” she said. “About that...” --- “Are you sure about Cerberus?,” he asked. Of course, he was pensive, hesitant. After Akuze, Kohaku, and Toombs, he had every reason to be suspicious. He was trusting the body of his beloved to an organization that had caused much suffering. “This Miranda woman... she says there’s a possibility. We have to try, don’t we?”

Toni hung his head. He looked so pitiful, broken. She longed to hug him again. He needed all the soft contact he could get. “It may not change, Antoni, but if there’s a chance... if there’s a chance to save the universe, shouldn’t we try?” “The Reapers...,” he sighed. Liara shot him a compassionate glance, shaking her head. “I’m so sorry,” she murmured. “What will you do?” “My friend was captured while saving Shepard. I have to find a way to track him down.” Toni nodded. “You can’t tell anyone. If word were to get out, it may spread false hope. If it doesn’t work out... Well, we need to find a way to prepare.” Toni’s scoff wasn’t reassuring. “Yeah,” he croaked. “They swept Saren and Sovereign under the rug.” “I know,” Liara answered. “We must still try. Antoni, I know I cannot understand the depths of your sorrow, the loss you must feel, but if we don’t act, so many others will share in your experience. We must do what we can.” Toni shakes his head. More tears descend. He was such a beautiful human. Seeing him emotionally wrecked broke her heart. The state of his body and mind... He’d lost muscle mass and weight, and looked like he’d spent too many nights staring at the ceiling. “I know deep down you’re right, Li, but I don’t want to care...” “I know... I... I would feel the same were it me. Think about what Shepard would do. Please, try to take courage from his example.” “Unfortunately, I’m not as diplomatic as he. I’m not sure the Council would listen to me any better, and he had really good points. He knew how to argue. He knew how to work the system...” Liara dropped her head. “I-I’m sorry...” Toni shook his head, “No. I’m making excuses... I know this is right. I just can’t get my heart to listen.” “Focus on yourself, right now. It was selfish of me to expect you to assume his place. You need to take care of yourself. I never knew your past but I always sensed you’ve been through much.” “Y-yeah...” They both fell into silence. “I need to go,” she finally said. “Miranda is waiting and I need to find Feron.” Toni nodded numbly. His tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth, which had gone dry. He could feel the dried saliva cracking as he moved it in attempts to work up moisture. “Please, be kind to yourself, Antoni. I’ll keep in touch when I can.”