#howlatxthemoon

At 6:00 PM, like clockwork, Ramsey finds himself at the Lockwood house. ‘It’s our family dinner time,’ Naveen would state when she’d see the frustration on Ramsey’s face. There’s a million things he’d like to say, like how this didn’t help any with the pain she felt every time she looked upon her sibling’s faces, and that nothing ever interesting transpired here that could entertain them for even half an hour ( except for, maybe, that time earlier on when Tessa was found to be sitting at the table, smiling at Teagan with an expression of such fondness it made Ramsey uncomfortable ). But still, Naveen persisted on coming here, and being that they were stuck together and Ramsey’s will seemed to grow weaker with each passing hour, he really had no power or say otherwise.

As much as he enjoyed seeing his family living their lives, it pained him more than it brought him relief. Tessa struggled so hard to put on a bright and positive appearance, but he also knew that her grades were beginning to drop ( thankfully, Ronan, being the most logically one out of the three, did what he could to prevent Tessa from taking on too much. When she demanded to go see Ramsey in the hospital, Ronan would refuse and readjust her focus on her school work ). Seeing them struggle to get through these trials only burdened Ramsey’s soul with guilt, and, selfishly, he avoided checking up on them. It was his fault they were trudging through this muck.

But today was not a day of O’Connell family time. Today, like every day at 6:00PM, was a day to watch the Lockwood brothers stare with vacant eyes at papers residing in a foreboding manila folder. On the tab at the side was Naveen’s full name. Today was a different day than the rest, and it didn’t take him long to feel the tension in the air. “What’s goin’ on, Sunshine?” A part of him doesn’t expect her to answer. He’s been gone for some time, into some endless void of nothingness, after they had gotten into a particularly nasty spat. Whether she was still angry with him, he didn’t know. But there was something in her eyes he’s never seen before, some sort of finality that unsettled him.

“Life support,” she mumbles, small words and small voice, so different from the woman he’s come to know her to be. “The doctors suggested I be taken off of it.”

There’s a rush of panic that suddenly seizes him then, like someone had a grip around his throat, threatening to squeeze. If something happened to her, if she truly disappeared, what would happen to him? It doesn’t even come to mind that this world they were living in might not be real — that this could all be a dream — because there’s that panic at the thought of being alone again. But, deep down, there was also the fear of never seeing Naveen again, a feeling he wasn’t quite ready to face yet.

“I knew that this would happen eventually,” Naveen starts, filling the silence between them with rushed, painful words. If Ramsey didn’t stop her, he knew that she’d carry on until she was having a full blown attack. 

“Sunshine—”

“And, of course, Hagen is all for it—”

“Sunshine!” She didn’t stop. Her voice gradually got louder and sharper, like the end of a knife. “Naveen!”

She jolts from her distress with a wild look in her eyes, fear and confusion littering her face. He’s about to say something more, to reassure or — something. But Hagan speaks first, a voice of reason amidst the haze of heartache. 

“It’s the best thing to do, Teagan. You know that.”

“I won’t sign it, Hagan. I won’t. I don’t care if this is something Naveen might’ve wanted, it’s — I can’t.”

“That’s fine. They only need one signature,” Hagan moves the papers to show the elegant cursive of his name. “I’m sorry, Teagan.”

If only Ramsey were there — if only he could say something to stop them from even considering such a thing. But there’s was the next best thing, the sound of a small and furious woman storming through the halls to the kitchen where the Lockwood brothers sat. She was a furious vision, but a welcome sight to see, a person that both Naveen and Ramsey both knew. She stormed right up to Hagen with her finger in his face, lip curled like a wild dog. “I won’t let you do this you — you pathetic, self-absorbed little sack of crap!”

“It has nothing to do with you, Alice.” 

“Of course it does! I’m her best friend!”

There was always something so very odd about Alice. He didn’t know how Ronan could enjoy being around her when... being so close to the woman made you feel like you were sitting too close to a black hole. Not to mention she always had it in her head that she could ‘sense’ things others couldn’t. But maybe he’d always been too quick to judge, maybe he should’ve sat back and took things in a stride like his brother, because the next thing the woman says, stuns him.

“I can still feel her, Hagan. She’s here somewhere,” her words are soft and gentle, as if coaxing a irritable dragon out of its cave. Her eyes are pleading, and, of course, Teagan is the first to believe all that she says. “She’ll wake up. I know she will.”

It was so small that it would’ve been easy to miss, but there was hesitation there in the gleam of Hagan’s eyes. He didn’t hate his sister, Ramsey could see that. He didn’t want her to die. But he was a realist, and realist didn’t believe in small, crazy women telling them that ghosts were lingering in their house. But for now, he remained silent, and the three sat down and simply stared at the papers.

Emotions in this upside down world were disastrous if you weren’t careful. But he was always angry, even before this all happened, and knowing that he was stuck here because of a situation he should’ve been more careful about? It was torturous. He spent his whole life regretting everything about himself: he wasn’t smart enough, strong enough, brave enough to take care of his family. His mind was ill and dangerous to walk in by himself. He was too volatile and always ruined things by getting into fights. It had always been more satisfying crushing another person’s jaw beneath his fist than getting a hard-earned paycheck. It was the thrill, after all. But he never denied that there was something very twisted about him. He could never settle down. He was like a caged dog set loose on the town; he either ate everything up that got in his way, or he’s eventually captured to be put down. There’s no in between.

That’s why it pains him - infuriates him - when Nimue continues to talk down about herself like she’s some kinda hopeless case, a monster. It hurt knowing she saw herself that way. If that’s what she saw looking in the mirror, what would she see if she knew the truth about everything he’s done?

“Ya’ don’t feckin’ get it, Sunshine,” Ramsey says, voice cracking a little, hand shaking as he runs it through his hair. “These things ya’ feel… Everyone feels them at some point in time. Yer no monster. But ya’ can’t sit there tellin’ me my sins’ll be forgiven if ya’ can’t even forgive yerself for whatever ya’ may have done in the past.”

Maybe there’s a light after all this. Maybe God really will forgive him, and he’ll be healed and wake up to his family at his side. She’ll wake up, too. But he can’t see them together, even if any of this really is real. Even if he remembers and she remembers, it wouldn’t work. She was too good for him, and yet she didn’t see it. Whatever happened to make her this way, he doesn’t know. He just hopes she finds peace, somehow.

“Look at me,” he whispers quietly, bending down so that they were eye level. “What d’ya want from me, love? I’ve accepted who I am, and I’m not ashamed of it. Everything I did, I did for me family. Ya’ can’t make me think differently, yeah?”

“Ramsey, you’re fading even more everyday,” she starts, eyes moving about his face wildly. “You’re giving up.”

“Me?” He sounds exasperated, his eyes bewildered. “Sunshine, ya’ say you’ve been stuck like this fer a year. Have ya’ even tried to do anything about it? Instead of feelin’ sorry for yerself, why don’t ya’ fight to get back. Don’t worry ‘bout me.”

He shouldn’t think of things that began with ‘what if.’ Whatever may be happening to his body on the hospital bed, he’ll have to accept it. He chose this fate. And maybe a little part of him had always desired this outcome, no matter how much his siblings meant to him.

“I don’t want you to go,” she argues, though there’s no more fight to her voice. His heart beats a little more painfully now, some distant echo of a memory of when he was more alive. “Ramsey, you could be dying. Really dying.”

“What if I am?” It’s not as nonchalant as he wants it to be; his voice is husky with emotion. “Sunshine, there’s people waitin’ for ya’ out there. Ya’ just gotta wake up from all this.”