#howitended

ugh fuck you fuckyou fuck you fuck you fuckkkkkk u

I heard the other day that your brain registers heartbreak in the same way it registers physical pain. I’ve felt those pangs before, so it only made sense. But now, I feel them again because of you. When I leave myself be for a moment, there’s a heaviness in my chest. I forget sometimes that you’re the thing causing it. I miss you so much. But you gave up on me. You did. And it’s your loss… At least that’s what I have to keep telling myself to get through this. Even though I know it’s my loss too. It was your choice, and now these pangs belong to you. I know you’d hate to be the source of my tears, but the more I’m away from you the more this is true. You gave up on me. Again. I don’t think you know how painful that is. The person I loved, who I trusted and thought loved me, didn’t want to be with me, twice. That fucking stings, you know. And I know there’s no malice behind it, but when it comes down to it you just didn’t want to be with me, for a second time, even. And when I think of that, I can’t help but feel small. You always wanted me to feel beautiful, appreciated, and loved. And now I’m sitting here feeling none of those things. The truth is, these things I write are to distract myself from actually talking to you. But I know that’s probably not a difficult feat for you. It’s probably easy. You probably maybe sometimes still think of me. But I bet it doesn’t register as pangs in your chest, or pain in that part your brain. I bet it’s just a passing thought, of something that reminded you of me, and no feelings accompanied. I bet it you don’t think about talking to me as much anymore. I bet you’ve found girls to distract you or maybe you just don’t even need distractions like I do. I don’t know. I guess I don’t need to be making silly bets to myself. But I wonder what you’re thinking a lot. I try to imagine what you’re feeling or what you’re up to now that I don’t know anymore. I’ll never know anymore, I guess. But at least I didn’t give up on you. That fucking hurts.

I’m pretty sure I think of you every single night while I’m trying to fall asleep. Sometimes it’s happy and comforting. But lately it’s been sad. Why did you have to break up with me like this? I really feel so left behind by you. It really felt so out of the blue. And you said you still love me… I wonder if thinking of someone else with me makes you as disheartened and uncomfortable as me when I think about you with someone else. I wonder if you feel like the mental and physical connection we had was so powerful and beautiful, that you can’t bring yourself to kiss another pair of lips anytime soon. But maybe you already have. You probably have. Drunkenly or something. And thinking about that fucks me up. I’m still in love with you in so many ways. I don’t want anyone else. But it feels like I probably should, because you probably will. And it makes me feel pathetic. I know I can’t live my life just hoping we’ll end up together again. I can’t just hope that you’ll be there in the end. Because that’s not how you live. You live in the moment. And many of those moments will be spent without me in sight or mind. And there will be more moments where one day you fall head over heels for a girl who isn’t me. And then even more moments. Moments that lead to engagement, marriage, a family. And I’m not in those moments in the least bit. But maybe I’d still be waiting for you. I’d be happy for you. I always want you to be happy. Any girl that makes you happy makes me happy no matter how much I wish it were me. But it makes me wonder. I wonder if she’d say something that you were both thinking of in the same moment like we would do. I wonder if she would adore your laugh, especially the one where you laugh your very most unaltered laugh, like I did. If that laugh would always put a smile on her face or sometimes in her soul. I would wonder if she would crinkle her nose then laugh and tell you your armpits smell like celery, and pluck hairs and squeeze zits for you. If when she was in your arms, she felt as safe and appreciated as I did. If she falls asleep easily next to you because you calm her very being. If she felt like you were absolutely her best friend, but also her lover. If she felt like she could never bear losing you because your souls somehow go together. Because your humor was so perfectly understood by each other. Because you make her strong where she is weak, and she hopes to hell she does the same for you. Fuck. I really do love you, I don’t know if I’ll ever stop loving you.

You know what sucks? Fucking finals you don’t want to take, getting broken up with, and trying to figure out your whole fucking life all at the same time. Yeah. Fuck

And even if it starts to fade, a piece of me will always love a piece of you.

Hi, it’s me talking to myself on the phone again cause I can’t talk to you anymore. Actually we talked earlier for the first time in a little bit and it was so easy to laugh and have fun with you. We still think the same things at the same time and make each other laugh with weird ass stuff. I miss that so much. I keep getting feelings that we really are meant to be together in some way in the future. And it makes me kind of sad because I don’t want to not move on and be stuck on you, but at the same time I feel such a connection with you anyways. It makes me happy to think that maybe years down the road we could get back together again, but how do I move on in the mean time? What if you forget about me? What if we fall in love with different people? Or only one of us falls in love with someone else? It scares me. You understand me. You make me happy. And it’s really hard to let that go. I’m really scared it’s going to fade away. And I experienced such a good love with you, it’s scares me that that will never happen again. I agree with both need to grow up and do things on our own, but having you in my life in general makes me happy. Whether that’s as my boyfriend, or just as a friend, I want you there. But again, I don’t want to be pathetic and stay in love with you forever if it’s over between us… It’s a line that’s a hard balance, but hopefully someday I’ll understand it better. Also, I know I’ll probably look back on this and laugh, either cause it’s really right or really wrong. But I feel like you’ll be my husband someday. And you’d be an amazing one at that. Even if I’m wrong and it ends up being with someone else. I love you, cutie.