#however......

By nature of interacting with others on social media about a “””niche””” fandom, we’re all fan”girls,” so I won’t try  to explain why this trope is Enjoyable because we know!! It’s for Us. However I will insert a person anecdote where it doesn’t belong:

Around 5 years ago this month, I was writing letters in Korean and mailing them off from a post office in Seoul, at the same time I mailed off my last box of belongings (the last box would get lost in the mail and never get to my house - it had my computer, nicest bag and nicest shoes). I wrote and rewrote those letters hoping they would make sense.  Each had a matching letter in English just in case the Korean was written too poorly to understand. I’d finished my last draft, sitting in a PC bang and I was so happy when I sent them off.

I wish I had made copies of the letters. They would probably embarrass me to death now, but they’re also probably the best evidence of my Korean abilities at their apex, and they are also evidence of a true, honest pocket of joy and hope I had during a time I felt very little at all but sadness and fear. I barely understood it at the time but I was coming off a depressive episode, in the middle of moving back home after living abroad, watching the news in horror as Trump stepped into office, waiting every day on the phone to hear news from my family about my aunt recovering from an aneurysm. I felt lost, worried, and angry. It took me multiple years to describe this period of my life as a time when I was really unwell. And I was very unwell.

All I remember about the content of the letters is this: I wrote one to Yoongi, thanking him for talking publicly and clearly about anxiety. Not only had it spoken to me, but it made me so happy that my students would be able to find celebrities that they could identify with.  I wrote one to JHope, telling him that he was a huge part of why Bangtan meant something to me - that because of his lyrics I was able to feel more connected to where I was living in Gwangju, and that I hoped he would continue to champion the city because I loved it so much. And I wrote one to “Rapmon” thanking him for publicly apologizing for BTS’s missteps and giving an example of an idol group that could learn and grow from their mistakes, which I thought was essential for their young fanbases to learn from.

I was so obsessed with BTS at that time and for about a year or two afterward that I would wake up every morning to check their reddit page. I would get excited to look at the Billboard charts! I strategically streamed songs, purchased albums, and watched their TV appearances. Even now when people mention them I just vaguely nod, not wanting to let on to the depth of my obsession for fear of appearing “weird.” But it’s simply the path of least resistance. I don’t feel shame about it. Because when I told those members I was so grateful to them because they gave me hope, I meant it. Sometimes you need a reason to get up in the morning, even if it’s just some idol posting a selfie.