#hovig

280. Carousel - “That night” Latvia 2019

I think it’s pretty obvious why we are here. We’re DEEP into the zone of neutral opinions and “That night” may be the most neutral song out there? 🤔 I don’t mind it though. “That night” doesn’t stir me in any way but it also doesn’t annoy me. It’s there, minding its own business being thoroughly inoffensive ^__^

I will take a moment to point out Sabine’s look though which is LOVELY. I rarely comment on fashion because I mostly don’t care about it, but she actually looks her age now and looks damn’ fine in it. Points for glamour, girl. 

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279. Hovig - “Gravity” Cyprus 2017

[2017 Review here]

Hovig represents that awkward portion of the ranking where my feelings STILL skew mostly towards the negative, but I’m able to somewhat enjoy it overall? I suppose I’ll start with the negative, which is how fucking LAZY “Gravity” is. It’s “Human” repackaged as “Rhythm inside”, and it’s not nearly as good as either. isn’t it offensive that Cyprus thought Europe would fall for this?! (then again isn’t that standard fare for Cyprus? lol.)

However, there is SOME redemption in the staging, which I find comically terrible. For every one of this: 

there are about 4 of these

making the entire thing look IMMENSELY silly and stupid <3 Enough for me to get over my irritation, sit back, point at Hovig, and laugh at his expense when the rest of Europe was like “ewwww mediocre piece of WHATEVER” and stranded him in a blistering 21st place, with marks from only Greece and Armenia <3 ________________________________________________________________

278. Alexander Rybak - “That’s how you write a song” Norway 2018

[2018 Review here]

Rybak is earth’s most quintessential eurosnob. Stanning Gualazzi and Sobral MINDLESSLY, deeming both ~real songs in real music genres~, thinking his opinions are The Shit, but in actually, he’s really just

a dweebas with poor understanding of how ESC works.  <3

And thank FUCK that he came back to clown himself in front of millions of people <3 It’s really is the ~comeuppance~ that brings Rybak to the mehzone, as opposed to a place of visceral hatred. His thinking that reducing the entire craft of songwriting to two bare nursery rhymes would make him a role model / double ESC winner would’ve been punished with a low ranking, had it not been for those meddlesome jury kids who parked his semi winning / top 3 betting odds winner ass into an unceremonious 15th place. <3 Can’t wait for him to unquit music within :checks calendar: 1 year and 8 month. ^__^

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277. Sanna Nielsen - “Undo” Sweden 2014

The greatest trick the devil pulled was convince the world he didn’t exist. I’m still not sure how Sweden managed to convince Europe that “Undo” was a good song? It’s a pretty terrible song? Utterly generic, unoriginal love ballad for fucking STARTERS, but that’s one of the lesser concerns. 

First of all, “Undo my sad” like, what is this rubbish hook, AM I FUCKING WATCHING LATVIA??? IS THIS SAMANTA DEMON IN OLD PERSON’S MAKE-UP??? Is this ~WiRe DeSiRe~??

Second of all, Sanna is giving Eleftheria Eleftheriou a run for the most OBNOXIOUS backing voice-over ever given. Take those away and she flounders. Third of all, is the light cage supposed to be inspired or? because that shit has been around for fuckin’ EVER

Fourth of all, she ruined Ace Wilder, Alcazar AND Helena Paparizou in melfest.🙄 

It really just seems as if the average eurogay will just cling to ANY solo blonde woman with any semi-sentimental ballad and I AM NOT HAVING IT!!! Have some fucking standards!!! “Undo” is a steaming pile of rubbish that should have NQ’D and flopped and DIED!!!  LOVE YOURSELF AND CONDEMN THE AWFUL!!! EVEN IF ESPECIALLY WHEN SAID AWFUL IS FROM SWEDEN!!! 

However... this is the human singing it:

As much as I hate “Undo”, so much do I love Sanna Nielsen as a human, and that does affect my ranking. Sanna is such a socially awkward giraffebeast who also happened to be the biggest Conchita Cheerleader of the 2014 cast. <3 Just look at the above gifs <3 I find it IMPOSSIBLE to hate her, but I also cannot drag her any further. Sanna’s song is utter rubbish and she would’ve made a disastrous winner... but fortunately, she didn’t win, finishing in a very lavish, but ultimately harmless third place. 

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276. Vanja Radovanovic - “Inje” Montenegro 2018

[2018 Review here] (shared with Sevak)

Similar to “Undo”, I kind of dislike “Inje”. It’s one of those aaaaagonizingly long Balkan ballads. 🙄 Enough of those already! Most overrated genre EVER.

However, like Sanna, I kind of really love Vanja? 

Self-deprecating sadsack <3

I may have used that line on Tinder lol (with success lmao) <3

My appreciation for Vanja has a human has thawed me on “Inje”. I still find it boring, mind, but I no longer find it tedious. The bubble-wrap suit <3 the interactive backings <3 It balances itself out to net neutrality, making this the perfect spot to end his ranking life. 🤗

cyprus 2017: can i copy your homework?

belgium 2015: yeah just change it up a bit so it doesn't look obvious you copied