#hopebeyondexcerpt

When they finally leave the soggy woods behind, stomping in rubber boots across the equally soggy meadow that lies between them and the village, Alia is lost deep in thoughts, her face strangely melancholic. She’s also rubbing at her hands as if they’re sticky, and Morgan isn’t sure if she wants to ask about that or not. What do you say in a situation like this? How do you address the hallucinations of a little girl who’s both the strongest and most fragile person you’ve ever met? Do you just continue ignoring it? 

“It was too late.”

Morgan blinks. “Sorry?”

“There was nothing I could do.” There are actual tears in Alia’s eyes. Morgan hasn’t seen her cry, ever. Everything that happened to her in the past, and she cries over an imaginary (possibly even dead) beast?

“Sometimes they just … give up. And leave. Their bodies stay behind for a while but… empty. Like the house a snail leaves behind. Rhisíl told me about them, but I’ve never seen one before. It’s so sad.” She sniffs. “I didn’t believe it before. Not really. And the goop…” 

For a moment Morgan tries to sort her thoughts, but then she just gives up. “So… the thing you found was dead?” And goopy? 

Alia frowns. “No… not really? They are already dead. They’re spirits, where else would they go? I think it’s the… final death. They just … let go and stop.” A tear rolls down the side of her face and she looks so small and lost in the too-large coat that, for the first time ever, Morgan knows exactly what to do. She warps her arms around the girl, pulls her close, and after a tiny moment of hesitation, Alia snuggles into the hug and puts her head on Morgan’s shoulder.

It’s really unfair how someone who’s mentally nine can still be taller, though. 

“Thank you”, Lia whispers, her voice cracking. “I always wish that you could see them but today… today I’m glad you can’t.” 

Morgan doesn’t know how to respond to that, even if a shiver runs down her spine.

Inktober tag:

☀☀☀

It‘s cold outside the bed, and Alia dresses quickly, in several layers of warm, cozy things. And a scarf. Morgan loves scarfs, and Alia loves them, too. It‘s something they have in common. 

Then she carefully opens her door, making sure that it doesn‘t creak, and makes her way downstairs (avoiding the Bad Steps). 

She drinks a glass of orange juice, puts some more dry food out for the cats (they‘re already complaining loudly but Morgan is the one who gives them wet food, and Morgan won‘t be up for another hour or two, so it‘s better than nothing). She also pours a tiny amount of watered down milk on a saucer for Mighty One. Morgan might be irritated by that but Alia’s done it enough times by now that she probably won’t even mention it. 

Then, finally, Alia unlocks the front door with her very own, shiny key, putting it in her pocket. The neighbours here are all very nice and she knows that nobody else locks their doors... but Morgan grew up in the city, and she‘s probably going to need a while until she stops doing it, if it ever happens.

☀☀☀

The husky greets her in front of Phaedra’s door, pushing against her leg, almost making her stumble. She laughs, kneeling next to him, and starts rubbing his belly when he flops over. His fur is thick and deep and so soft, so soft...

“Alia?”

She looks up. Phaedra looks down at her with amusement (but also a faint, underlying concern) written all over her face. Alia laughs.

“I‘ve made a new friend!”, she says. “His name is ... something cold? I think?” She concentrates, frowning. “Ice?... Frost.. hmm...”

“—Winter?”, Phaedra asks. Her voice is tiny, almost not there at all.

Alia‘s smile slips, and she nods. Can feel her heart thudding in her chest. Here it is; the day has come. She knows it‘ll be worth it. Still, now that the moment is here, she‘s daunted by the task in front of her.

Phaedra, for her part, just stops moving. Even the small motions, like breathing or blinking, ... stop.

“Winter?”, Phaedra repeats. Her voice is brittle as ice, and so quiet that the word almost doesn’t reach Alia. 

She suppresses the fluttering in her heart and smiles faintly at Phaedra. “Yeah. I‘ve seen him around before. He‘s a very good boy. Maybe even the best one.”

Winter rolls to the side and gets back up, wagging his tail so strongly that it moves his entire butt. Then he howls in both pain and triumph (Alia can feel it reverberate in her very soul, and it makes her want to cry and sing at the same time), running around Phaedra and Alia in circles. She can feel that he wants to get closer but that he’s also... afraid of it.

“Is he… a dog?”, Phaedra asks. She knows the truth already. Has known it from the moment Alia let her guess his name. 

Still, Alia nods, slowly pushing herself back up on her feet. She‘s only a bit shorter than Phaedra. It feels wrong, to be this tall. Very wrong. Not relevant. “He‘s a husky”, she says very softly, trying to suppress the tears that are suddenly welling up in her eyes. 

You have done very well, Rhisíl whispers at the back of her thoughts, voice creaking like leaves and bark and branches. Her nose tingles, but she holds the tears back nonetheless. 

“I had a husky named Winter when I was a child”, Phaedra says. Her voice is far away, both from Alia and from herself. Distanced. Almost lost, but not quite. 

Phaedra has gone to the past, to a place that hurts, but also a place that‘s filled with love and longing.

Sometimes Alia wishes that she had such a place, but now is not the time for thoughts like that. There are good moments there, true, but the other ones outweigh them one to ten. Easier to suppress. Especially now. 

“He‘s watched over you”, Alia hears herself say. Her voice sounds like hers, but also not. It‘s as far away as Phaedra, in a place she will never be able to reach. “He‘s always been with you.” He just needed a bit of love, to grow, to take shape again. 

A tear rolls down Phaedra‘s cheek and she blinks, once, twice. More tears come. She collapses to the ground, grasping her elbows with her hands, burying her face in her arms. Winter approaches carefully, starts licking her arm. Alia doesn‘t want to look at him, because she can feel the Change. They always change when she finally acknowledges their Truth. She doesn‘t know why. The world is far away, bright and beautiful, and her heart aches with love, but also with the sads. 

Winter‘s face looks just like it did before, but the rest of him doesn‘t. His fur is matted, dark and slick. He‘s trailing long, thin ribbons behind him. Two of his legs are dark and strange.  Bone sticks out here and there, and his soul glows brightly from within his ribcage. Some of the bones are black, but others aren’t. Their placement is strange, as if there are two different dimensions to him at the same time, one with the bones on the outside, one with them on the inside, and sometimes they mingle.

He‘s still beautiful, though, and his entire being glows with the eternal love he will forever hold for Phaedra.

Alia blinks away a tear and smiles sadly. 

“He just wants to let you know that he loves you very much”, she says. Phaedra looks at her, with lost eyes full of tears and pain, but when she smiles it‘s the most beautiful thing Alia‘s ever seen.

“Thank you”, she says. Her voice only cracks a little, near the end. Alia smiles and even if there are tears in the way, she knows that Phaedra doesn‘t mind. She sits down next to her, and Phaedra puts an arm around her shoulder.

A brave step, Rhisíl whispers. You‘ve done well, little one. Pain hurts, but sometimes the right pain can heal, too. 

Alia doesn‘t reply. She can feel him circling high above, high above the clouds. Winter dances around them, trailing shadows behind himself, and Alia knows she‘s done the right thing. 

She isn’t sure if it’ll change anything between herself and Phaedra, but even if it does… it was worth it.

☀☀☀

@writingwordsanddrawingpictures​ @kittensartswriting​ @afragilestrongsoul​ @ettawritesnstudies​

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I’m uploading yesterday’s art this late because there was an electrical issue at home yesterday. If we hadn’t caught it, the whole house could’ve burned down o_o so I drew my inktober art with a flashlight, because we put out all the electronics except for the fridge, and hoped that it would survive the night... (the emergency electrician couldn’t access the problem are because the company we get our electricity from has “safety measures” in place which he couldn’t get around. And they weren’t open because it was Sunday. Yaay.)

I’m mostly happy with how it turned out, even if there are a few things I would’ve preffered to end up differently XD

The best roadb trip of all time... not that Phaedra would know, of course. She's only been on one, this far, and that was after she'd finished school, with her then-friends. 

Funny, how time is both faster and slower than expected...

"Today!!!", Alia echoes her, her voice brimming with happiness and excitement, “today we will reach the ocean!"

Also funny how the perception of a person changes, the more time you spend around them. She doesn't even seem strange to me anymore, Phaedra thinks to herself, and that thought makes her happy, in a gentle, motherly way. After all, if this is how she feels, others must, too? 

"Today", Morgan whispers, and finally turns away from the window. Her eyes are wide open, brimming with...something. Something Phaedra can't really put her finger on, but it makes the small smile disappear. 

"My parents wanted to take me to see it, before..." Morgan's voice dwindles away, and then she's quiet again, turning back to her window. 

Phaedra doesn't like this quiet one bit. 

"No", she says. "Screw that. Morgan? Look at me. That's in the past, and we don't care about the past. It's gone, alright? The past doesn't matter anymore, because we've got to look forward! Take a deep breath. The future is what matters, and what you do with it. And we're going to see the ocean today, at sunset, and it's going to be glorious." It better be. 

After a few moments Morgan finally turns, nods. "Yeah", she mutters. She still looks weird, but then she offers a tentative smile. "Thanks for the pep talk, grandma", she says. Phaedra makes a shocked face, but on the inside they happy smile is returning.

"Just living my best life", she says, and it's true. This, right here? This is the best place on earth, in this car, with these two. There's nowhere else she'd rather be.

It does take them until almost-sunset to reach the ocean. Well, to almost reach it. Thing is: the road is pretty close to it, but it doesn't quite reach it. There's still forest in between. A forest full of pitfalls and tangling shrubs that don't want anyone to move through it, and while there are also the tracks of various forms of wildlife, they aren't really all that well-suited for people.

Still, Phaedra doesn't even have to ask. Morgan is already pulling her hiking boots on, a very determined expression on her face, and Alia looks like she's ready to climb through thorny undergrowth with bare feet. She’d probably pull it off without hurting herself, too. 

"We will make it", Morgan says. "It's, what, a mile? Pah, that's nothing. We still have..." She checks her watch, and then her phone, which (of course) doesn't have any reception. At least Phaedra’s doesn’t. "Uhhh, I'm not sure if I'm remembering it right, but we should have half an hour. That should be enough, right? We can get there in time. I want to see the sunset..." There's so much longing in her voice that Phaedra doesn't really dare tell her how hard it is to make your way through true, pathless wilderness. Besides, maybe they will make it. Nothing like true determination, really. 

"Alia, do you need help?", Morgan asks. Alia nods, so Morgan helps her search for the hiking boots, and after a while they find them stuck under the far right corner of Alia's seat. Morgan grins while helping her put them on. Satisfied that the two can deal on their own, Phaedra gets her crutches, and collects some other things from the back of the car, stuffing them into her backpack. Most of the time she doesn't need walking aids anymore, but now she's glad she brought them along. 

When they finally leave, some of the clouds have become slightly pinkish, slightly golden. Phaedra can only tell because sometimes there are gaps in between the huge trees, letting them glimpse more of the sky than a general blueish colour. 

It's been a beautiful day, and it will be a beautiful night. There's a slightly elevated space next to where they parked the car, and it's even mostly level, with few bumps, the best wild tenting spot they could've hoped for. According to the signs next to the road it's allowed in these parts, too, so there isn't much they have to worry about in that regard. Good.

The forest is a veritable thicket. There are plants growing everywhere, some thorny thickets, some low and grabby, some too big to fight through. Phaedra did bring her machete, but even that doesn't help very much. 

"You're hurting them", Alia says reproachfully at one point, and after that Phaedra stops using it. 

All in all, Alia seems to be the one who deals with the plants the best. But then again, she’s the weird magical girl, too. Maybe one of her imaginary creature friends is helping her.

But still.

Even with all of that, Phaedra can't help but be amazed at the beauty surrounding them. There's so much of it, everywhere! The smallest, most fragile flowers, tiny green stalks breaking through the ground here and there, a mouse crossing their paths— 

And Morgan helping her every time she almost stumbles. 

"If it continues like this we'll be stuck here forever", Morgan says at one point, but there's a wide grin on her face. Phaedra grins back. There’s a freedom to this day that’s far superior to all other freedoms she’s had before. Alia is far ahead of them at this point, but if Morgan doesn't feel bad about missing the sunset, then Phaedra won't, either.

"Thanks for helping me", she says, a bit out of breath. Damn, her army constitution has run out fast. "I used to be so good at this..." Her voice is a bit wistful, and she only looks at Morgan when the younger woman stops. 

Morgan's wearing the widest shit-eating grin imaginable. "Remember what you told me earlier? That the only thing that matters is the future? Well, look who's talking", she says. Phaedra laughs before she can stop herself. The sound is much louder than she anticipated, and then the two break out into more laughter at the exact same time, and the only thing that finally ends it is Phaedra grabbing hold of something that is home to too many sharp spikes. 

Morgan is still grinning when she pulls her water bottle and a tissue from her backpack. "Who are you to give me advice on things you don't follow yourself?", she says, putting some water on the tissue, and giving it to Phaedra. 

Phaedra is still smiling weakly, even if the pain is strangely... painful.

"You'd think that losing a leg is as bad as it gets", she says dryly, ignoring Morgans’ very pointed question. "especially when the phantom pain keeps you awake at night... 

But, you see... small and annoying wounds still hurt, and they're also no less annoying." 

"So annoying", Morgan echoes, and Phaedra swats at her playfully, missing only because Morgan takes a careful step back. 

"Hey!", she protests, "I was only... repeating your wisdom."

"Yeah, I know... repeating my wisdom. Tsk."

"Well, you are very wise, old lady." 

Phaedra just shakes her head sadly. "Today's youth has no respect for their elders anymore. What a tragedy", she says. This time when she swats for Morgan, her hand connects with her target. Unfortunately, she's forgotten about several other things, including (but not limited to) the fine art of balance. 

Phaedra and Morgan tumble down onto all the pointy thicket plants together, laughing like children. Morgan has come such a long way, too… when we first met, she was so shy. She wouldn’t have dared make fun of me in ten life times. If it hadn’t been for Alia. 

"That was fun", Morgan says. Phaedra rolls off to the side, trying to ignore the poking, pointy plants around her. 

"I guess", she says, but in the privacy of her thoughts all she can think about are the series of tragedies that lead her to this moment, to this life. These, she thinks to herself, these are my people. 

Then: "Maybe we should hurry. And try to figure out where Alia went." Morgan nods. It's the first time Phaedra can remember that there's no sadness lingering around her eyes. 

She's truly happy. So many tragedies… and yet all three of us are here. Last year I couldn’t even have imagined one single day of happiness… and now I’m here.

"You know, I always thought I'd die alone, surrounded by a ton of books and a bunch of cats", Morgan says a while later when they're back to fighting their way through the thickets. The sky above them is pink, and gold, and purple, and going by Morgan’s face, she doesn’t regret anything about that, either.

“Funny”, Phaedra says, “I was just thinking about something like that, too. How crazy is it that we’re here? All three of us? I don’t know anyone else who’s gone through as much shit as we have, and yet… we’re here. Laughing…”

“Yeah”, Morgan says, her voice solemn despite the fact that she’s struggling quite literally through a thorn bush, “I didn't think I'd ever find anyone I would actually want to care about. Even my friends were only acquaintances, really. And now I’ve found two of you? In such quick succession?”

“Same… it’s definitely Alia’s fault”, Phaedra says, smiling. “She caught us like fish in a net, and then she made us care again, and open up, like flowers. You can’t… not love, when you’re in her presence. And after the whole army thing... I don't even know. I thought about ending it, when it all came crashing down. I felt so hopeless, and so helpless. I felt like I didn't deserve to carry on when they hadn't.

But I did, somehow, just long enough for you to move in next door, and then that girl decided to utterly trash my self-loathing and self-pity…" She smiles, and again, it's tinged by a strange wistfulness. Soft, and gentle, and sad. But also happy. So much happiness. 

"Yeah", Morgan says, looking away. "Everyone kept telling me I would die alone, too", she adds after a while. "'Cause of, you know. All of that. I've never fallen in love. I never wanted that kind of thing. It all seemed icky. And yet here I am, with a daughter and a wife." She grins. "Well, kind of. Very differently from how others might imagine it. But who cares about them. It's perfect. It’s all I never wanted, and all I’ve always needed."

Phaedra grins back at her. "Very poetic”, she teases, “are you sure I'm your wife, though? Maybe I'm your grandmother. Or the aggressively well-meaning step mother. Or something."

This time it's Morgan's turn to retaliate, and she chooses to poke Phaedra in the side. 

She stumbles, but Morgan catches her, helps her stabilize herself.

"I’m really glad you made your way into my life." 

"Yeah, I know", Morgan says. "Even the cats love you back. Even Purrcy loves you back. And he wants to kill everyone."

"Yeah..."

They continue on in hard-breathing silence. It’s a good silence, though. 

"I'm really glad for Alia, too", Morgan says after a while. "You should think that she’s never had a bad day in her life…”

Yeah, Phaedra thinks. I don’t even want to know what she’s gone through. And yet, she’s the biggest miracle out of them all.

“I’m pretty sure that she sees you as a grandmother”, Morgan says suddenly, and again, there’s that cheeky grin. I would’ve thought it out of character if she hadn’t been doing it for weeks now. Phaedra laughs. “Well, I make an excellent grandmother, don’t I?”

“Yeah, you absolutely do. Oh, and before I forget it… I think she wants you to draw her creatures. If you want to. She’s strangely shy about it, I’m not sure why. But she really looks up to you.”

Phaedra smiles softly, feeling a strange warmth blooming in her belly. "I don't know if I'm any good at that", she says, "but I'm definitely willing to try."

And then they reach the ocean.

The forest thins out (has been thinning out for a while, now that Phaedra thinks about it), making way to a rocky beach, or rather: a field of big, round, ocean-smoothed rocks, some small, some huge. 

Alia's sitting on the largest one, staring at the spot the sun just vacated, and she looks so happy and peaceful that Phaedra gestures to Morgan, searches through half of her pockets before finding her phone, and then takes a few pictures. References, for later. Still no reception. 

"You're both late", Alia declares from her rock, not even turning. 

"We are", Morgan admits, making her way over the rocks.

Her eyes never leave the water, though. 

This is what awe looks like, Phaedra thinks to herself, and takes a few more pictures. More references, of course.

"No regrets", Morgan says when she finally reaches Alia's rock. She looks like she's going to faint any moment. Like she's sleepwalking. Like she's in a dream, the best dream she could ever have imagined.

Phaedra takes another picture, and then she follows. 

Alia's rock is so big that she can't even tell how the girl managed to scale it. Her feet are roughly at the height of Phaedra's head, and Pheadra isn't exactly short. Alia's grin is very wide when she looks down at them, like an empress regarding her subjects. Except she’s too kind to be an empress. 

"Did you have fun?", she asks. 

Phaedra wonders what exactly Alia is thinking about. Sometimes it's really hard to tell, especially with this particular girl.

"We did", she says finally. "And I hurt my hand. But for now we'll stay here. Let's wait until the stars come out, I know I put the headlamps into each of your backpacks so we don’t even have to worry about making our way back later." 

Alia nods enthusiastically. "And when we get lost in the forest, we can just make a sleeping pile. That should work, too. Rhisíl will keep us warm." Her voice is very matter-of-fact about it, too. Like she knows that it’s going to happen. 

“Well, we will think about that when it happens”, Phaedra decides, smiling. Alia nods, and grins. It’s already getting darker. Morgan makes her way over to Phaedra, leaning her head against her shoulder (she’s not tall enough to put it on her shoulder). “Thank you”, she says. There’s so much in those two words, so many things she could be thankful for. 

Phaedra smiles. “You are very welcome”, she says softly. What did I do to deserve them? 

But that’s the thing.

She didn’t do anything. 

And then they settle down, and wait for the stars.