#hjjc

is this how you get back at me for making you leave? by haunting me with pleasant dreams of you? by making me wake to realize that they could've been real if it weren't for my destructive nature?

I saw you in my sleep and I guess that's psychic projection because I saw someone who's dead to me.

i tried to water the fucking dead flower back to life but i realized keeping it laminated and stuck between a book i love rereading is so much more comforting

when my eyes are open i am in love and fighting strong with the demons but once i close my eyes, they all come back. you come back

while i was with you, i learned a lot. i learned i was beautiful. i learned that i was “just fine”. i learned how to accept my flaws. i learned how to love my flaws. i learned how to feel perfect. i learned that it was okay to be a little sick, maybe even more than a little. i learned that i am lovable and lovely. i learned that my passion was admirable. i learned that i could be somebody’s dream and future like you were mine. i learned that mutual feelings could cause sparks brighter than our entire galaxy. i learned that tears were a lot more beautiful than cheesy flicks make them seem. i learned how to look at myself through the eyes of absolute adoration and love. in the blink of an eye, i had learned all those things that i have been struggling to master all my life. when you left, it wasn’t just you. the hardest part was something else. it wasn’t just the lonely nights with missing messages and phonecalls, it wasn’t just the lack of laughter and anticipation in my life, it wasn’t just the shock of my passion dwindling for the first time in my life, it wasn’t just my new medications, it wasn’t just my brand new habit with alcohol, it wasn’t just my expanded struggle with weight. the hardest part about you leaving was that you left with all the knowledge, understanding, and memories of what i have learned while i was with you. you left me a disabled mess that even i could not stand. i can not live with myself and you walked out alive.

i started a new diary for a new year and i’m noticing a lot has changed about me. handwriting, my focuses in life, maybe even my level of maturity has altered within the year. one thing, however, hasn’t changed since last april and that would be my feelings for you, not even a bit. i don’t know if i should award myself for consistency and loyalty or shame myself for being vulnerable and pathetic. time has passed and you’ve moved on but im still dragging along a past that wishes to be left there.

i eat so little and i quit drinking and smoking. i made life changes that i never knew i’d make and i’m only so young. i made these changes, i sacrificed human relationships and built walls so high that i lost all connections. i did all this for you. all so that if we ever cross paths, you might see the strong ruthless girl that was hidden under a valid disease that you did not wish to embrace. in hopes that you may look a second time and realize the tiger spirit you undermined. maybe you will feel like we have a future now that i have gotten rid of all obstacles that used to cause friction between us. with anticipation that you just might feel the spark in you again like i have been feeling since last april. it hurts to be alone in this. it hurts to watch people leave and its even worse when i am the one slamming the doors. i love a lot and i am overflowing with love for everything except for the girl i see in the mirror. if you won’t have all the love i can muster, i suppose i’ll keep it stored within myself so that if i get the chance to present it to you when i am not as vulnerable, then maybe you will take it. maybe if you see how strong of a mind it took to starve for days for that number on a scale, you will see the roaring warrior within the fragile frame. maybe if you see that i have chosen sobriety over escape from my toxic clouds, then you’ll understand what it took for me to stay alive in reality. maybe if you saw me ironically reject all chemical toxins to “take care of myself” like you always used to suggest but starve myself because i want to be beautiful for you, maybe you will want me back. maybe?