#highkeybane

Now all he has is Jace knocking at his door, telling him for the fourth morning in a row that he just has to get out of bed. He knows he has duties, he knows he’s the head of the institute, and he can’t abandon any of his duties just because he’s heartbroken. But it still hurts to get out of bed and pick up the clothes that Isabelle had laid out for him the night before. She had chosen clothes that Magnus loved though; there was the shirt that Magnus always complimented him on, the jeans he wore the night of their first date, the same silly shoes he wears 24/7 that Magnus teases him about all the time. He’s glad though, he’s glad that Isabelle knew exactly what to pick out for him. He needed to feel close to Magnus, now more than ever, and having the clothes that reminded him of Magnus was helping him.

The loft key is the only thing that actually belonged to Magnus before it was his though, and every morning since that night, he had picked it up off of his bedside table and put it into his front pocket. The key, the simple, tiny, golden key, got him through his days. It was the only thing that kept him sane.

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It’s been four days now, since they’ve slept in the same bed.  It’s been getting harder and harder. The first day was definitely the hardest, for both of them, but the other days were just painful to endure.

Every morning Magnus had to drag himself out of bed, use his magic to apply his usual makeup, but  he was applying much more to disguise the bags underneath his eyes. He hadn’t slept but maybe four hours altogether in the past four days. He never knew that giving his heart to someone else would end up with him, the High Warlock of Brooklyn, not being able to function properly. He couldn’t sleep, or eat, or breathe. He drank, a lot. He spent the majority of his days drinking. It hurt his heart in his chest to think of Alec, he couldn’t even imagine how he was doing. He didn’t want to. He didn’t have any desire to see the hurt that he had brought upon the love of his life. He doesn’t want to imagine how Alec was doing now, without him. He knew Alec was upset, he had seen it in the tears that welled up in his eyes whenever he stepped into the elevator four days ago. He had caused Alec to cry. Alec; the strong, stoic man who never shed a tear. He was the reason that Alec was hurting, and that broke his heart into a million pieces.

He never wanted to see Alec like this. He had never wanted to cause him any pain; he never wanted to see Alec in pain. He tried to block the image out of his mind, but every time he tried to sleep, whenever he closed his eyes, he saw the same image of Alec looking like he was about to cry.

Magnus tried to distract himself, he looked at pictures in his phone of the Shadowhunter. Smiling Alec, grumpy Alec, nothing that resembled sadness in any way. But it didn’t work, and he felt a tear fall from his eye. “I’m so sorry.”

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Alec just couldn’t wrap his head around the whole thing. He hadn’t done anything wrong, at least he didn’t think so. Magnus has said that he loved him, so many times, but Magnus left. While he understood the words Magnus had said to him that night, he didn’t understand why Magnus had told him that he loved him if he was just going to leave.

He hadn’t seen Magnus, he hadn’t spoken to Magnus, and all he had was that one loft key and the pictures of Magnus in his phone. The pictures he had taken of Magnus smiling made his lips quirk up a bit into a small smile, the grumpy pictures of Magnus made his giggle despite the tears streaming down his face. He loves Magnus. He loves him with his whole being, his heart and soul.

And even though Magnus had walked away, Alec knew that he would love the man forever, even if Magnus decided not to come back to him. He would love Magnus with his whole heart as long as he lived, no matter what. He knew that Magnus would love him in the same way though, he trusted the man when those three words came from his mouth whenever they were together. But it still hurt. They haven’t talked, they haven’t seen each other. He can tell that Jace and Izzy try not to mention Magnus around him. Alec looked like he he would break at any moment, but he was trying so hard not to. He’s the head of the Institute. He had to be strong. He has to fight.

Nobody called him Alexander, and when anyone did, he pushed back tears and let out a desperate “Don’t. Don’t call me that.” Only one person could call him by his full first name, and that one person wasn’t around. He only wanted Magnus to call him by that name, so when anyone else did, he gripped the loft key a little bit tighter in his fist, so tight that he was afraid the key might break.  He tried holding himself together, he really did. He was a leader. He couldn’t let anyone see him like this. Only Magnus has seen him so broken before, not his siblings, nor his parents. Only Magnus. Magnus has the capability to make Alec feel good and happy, but right now he feels like shit. Trying to get his work done. He trains, harder and harder as each day passes by, he’s also more hard on himself. “If I hadn’t lied to Magnus, he’d still be here with me,” another punch to his gut, “Maybe none of this would have happened if I had been honest.” He hits the punching bag harder and harder until his knuckles are bleeding and sweat is gathering in bead s on his forehead.

When he’s tired of beathing himself up, physically and emotionally, he says goodnight to Izzy, Clary, and Jace. And he goes back to his cold, empty bed.

He doesn’t like it here anymore. He called the Institute his home for more than twenty years, but in the past few months, home had become something different, it held a different meaning. Home had become a place so vibrant and colorful, a place that was always changing, looking slightly different whenever he came back from work. Home had soft, smooth, black hair, that constantly had different colored streaks in it. Home had eyes that were golden, flecked with soft yellow spots, but home sometimes would glamour the cat eyes away, replacing them with eyes dark enough to be black.  Home wore colorful clothes, and leather pants, and had so many different outfits in his closet. Home’s voice sounded like honey whenever he spoke, and when home laughed, the sound lit up Alec’s entire life. Home smelled like sandalwood. Home was Magnus, Magnus held Alec’s heart and made Alec feel safer than he’d ever felt inside the walls of the Institute. And he missed home, he missed his boyfriend holding him tight in his arms. He missed kissing Magnus’ forehead whenever he came home from a long day at the institute. He missed the smell of Magnus, he missed the soft, silk sheets that Magnus was constantly changing. He even missed the pile of clutter in the corner of Magnus’ room. He didn’t mind that Magnus was a mess sometimes, he loves him for it. He would love Magnus no matter what.

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One day, Alec has had enough of this. He can’t do it anymore, he can’t. He feels like he’s going crazy. Without thinking, he calls up Magnus and the phone rings, and rings, and rings. Nobody picks up. He starts to leave voice messages.

“Magnus please. I want to talk to you. I miss you so much. I can’t do this anymore. Please. What happened to “I’m all for effort”?”

He leaves even more messages as the days without Magnus pass by, slowly.

“Magnus,  you said not to push you away when things get crazy, but you’re pushing me away and I can’t deal with it anymore. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I-“

His voice fell quiet for a moment before he spoke up again, his voice soft, “I miss you. I can’t live without you. I love-“ Beep.

The phone beeped in his ear, signaling the message was cut short. He missed Magnus. He loved him. And this was probably the twentieth message he had sent.

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Magnus hears the messages that Alec is sending him, he listens to them on repeat. He cries, and he drinks, and he cries even more. He has his people to protect, what he has done was for everyone’s well-being, but he hurt Alec in the process. He should talk to Alec, he really should. So he takes a deep breath, typing out the message that he had been wanting to send for days, but he takes a moment to send it, nervous of the outcome. He finally sends it, after reading over it nearly thirty times. Meet me at the loft. After he sends it, he takes a deep breath. He needs to explain. It might end up in them fighting or arguing, but he needs to talk to Alec, he needs to hear his voice.

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Alec feels his phone buzz against his thigh and he wastes no time in pulling it out of his front pocket.  Every time he had felt his phone buzz in the past few days, he had been eager to see if it was Magnus. This time it was. He read over Magnus’ text too many times to count, and within the next two minutes, he had put Jace in charge and was headed for the loft.

He didn’t know what he was going to say, or what Magnus would say, but all he knew was that Magnus wanted to see him. He definitely wasn’t going to turn that request down. Alec literally ran to the loft, not walked, but ran. All that he was thinking about was Magnus, Magnus is on his fucking mind, and when he gets close to Magnus’ loft, he stands and looks at the building for a few moments before walking in. “Okay Alec, you can do it. Go in.” And he does. He walks through the doors to the building and finds himself in front of Magnus’ door, his hand heavy when he knocks.

Magnus opens the door. When he does, Alec takes a good look at him and he feels sad. He never wanted Magnus to feel sad, and he can see the bags under his eyes. He can tell that the man in front of him hasn’t slept. Without thinking, he reaches his arms out and pulls Magnus in for a hug, a big crushing hug. “I missed you so much.”

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After Magnus had opened the door, he took a good, long look at Alec. The Shadowhunter looked exhausted, his hair was a mess, he looked as if he hadn’t slept in days, and Magnus could relate to that. He hadn’t realized how much he depended on Alec to sleep at night. But all his thoughts were thrown out the window when Alec wrapped his arms around him in a hug, a big hug that could literally squeeze the life out of Magnus, but he felt safe, he felt at home. He wrapped both of his arms around Alec, his head resting on the taller man’s shoulder, finally feeling at ease for the first time in days. He let out a few tears because, god, he missed his boyfriend. He missed holding him and breathing in the scent of him. He missed feeling safe and loved.

Alec pulled back and just looked into Magnus’ eyes. They weren’t glamoured, and damn, he looked so fucking beautiful. “I need to explain. I’m so fucking sorry for lying to you. It’s my fault that this happened. If I didn’t lie then this wouldn’t have happened. Magnus, I’m so fucking sorry. It’s been so tough without you and-“ Alec can’t even talk anymore, he needs to kiss him. So that’s what he does. He pushes Magnus up against the wall, so desperate to finally touch his boyfriend again, and he kisses him with all he has. His kiss is saying everything he can’t put into words, “I’m so fucking sorry.” “I love you so much.” “Please, let’s work this out.”

Magnus felt horrible because his beautiful Alexander was beating himself up for all of this, and while Alec shouldn’t have lied,  this wasn’t Alec’s fault. He just listened to Alec speaking and he shook his head, muttering under his breath, “You stupid Nephilim.” And when Alec pushed his back against the wall, he wasn’t complaining. He missed Alec, he missed Alec’s kisses and his lips and his soft breath in between kisses. So when Alec pushed his lips against his own, he kissed the Shadowhunter back with everything he had. He missed everything about the man in front of him, and he didn’t realize how much he actually couldn’t live without him until he was there in front of him, and he realized then that he never wanted to spend another day without Alec by his side.

“I can’t believe it’s really been years since we’ve last seen each other,” Alec muses, taking another sip of his drink. 

“I know,” Aline replies, suddenly looking sad. “People move on and grow apart sometimes. I just hoped it wouldn’t be us, you know?” 

“Hey,” Alec says, putting his hand over hers and squeezing lightly. “Life gets in the way. Now you’re back, though, and that’s what matters.”

“Yeah,” Aline smiles softly, raising an eyebrow. “I mean, to be honest, I was a little bitter I didn’t get invited to your impromptu wedding.” 

Alec groans, his head falling on the table as Aline’s laughter fills the air. 

“I promise not to hold it against you if I get to be a bridesmaid at your next wedding,” Aline says, and Alec lifts his head up, glaring at her before grinning. 

“Fine,” he says, leaning back in his seat. “That sounds fair.” 

“I’m glad you didn’t go through with it, by the way,” Aline says, her tone suddenly serious. “I don’t know what I would have done knowing you signed yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness by marrying a woman. You were so brave that day and I just - I guess even if we weren’t talking as often as before, I just wanted what was best for you.” 

Alec nods sadly, rubbing his fingers together. 

“No need to dwell on the past,” Alec says, meeting her eyes and smiling softly. “It all worked out in the end, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Aline says, leaning forward on her forearms. “Now you’re dating the High Warlock of Brooklyn.” 

Alec can’t help the way his cheeks flush at the title, a warmth flooding his chest. 

“And you’re dating Helen Blackthorn. I guess we both lucked out,” Alec raises his glass and Aline does the same, grinning. 

“To our beautiful partners,” Aline toasts.