#hidden entry

I can still vividly remember the day that this dream began. This particular day would be the one that would alter my life as I knew it and would change everything before me, an uncertain future completely rewritten to carry two lives, and not just one.

Lai and I had decided to go hunting, something that we had done together quite a few times. Back then, we were merely friends, companions in arms. I had helped him take back something from his family and he felt indebted to me perhaps, as he would always go along with me even if it meant tolerating something he would rather avoid, like chocobo riding.

I knew I had developed a crush; from the moment that we had met, I had found him attractive, but I suppose that most people feel that way about Lai. I had offered to help him merely out of generosity; I had no ulterior motive in mind and he responded with a warm kindness few people had shown me. He never insulted me for my upbringing or my experience, choosing to encourage me and support me instead. He valued the skills that I brought to the table and saw me undoubtedly as someone he could rely on.

It had felt good to be needed by someone, when you had no one to turn to and likewise to know that your presence makes a difference. I could tell that he was carrying a heavy weight, one that was bearing down on his shoulders and had shackled his heart. I knew it was not my place to try to uncover it but I wanted to ease that pain, if only a little. I just wanted him to know that I would be there for him.

I didn’t have the courage or the confidence to say any of this aloud however. Horrible experiences in my past had taught me that a relationship between two men was not something that was acceptable and even if that weren’t an issue I had no idea if Lai was even attracted to someone of the same sex. He was undoubtedly older than me; though that mattered little to me, I had no idea if it would to him. He wanted to be Nunh, to steal the title from his father. This was perhaps the largest reason of why I stayed silent. Having been raised in Ishgard, in a family that honored monogamy above all else, the concept of polygamy was foreign and I was afraid of something I did not understand. I however did not want to take that from Lai, if that was what he truly wanted. I was unable to voice my own wishes in fear that they might crush the other’s dreams.

So I stayed silent, telling myself that I would keep my feelings bottled up and that I would be alright this way, that I was less of a burden and that I should just be grateful that we could be friends. I was so petrified by my anxiety and fear of rejection that I had nearly convinced myself that I would feel nothing if he left me behind, or found someone else and that it was meant to happen eventually. It was on this particular day that I had come to this conclusion, admiring the way the fabric of Lai’s t-shirt rippled across his back as a gentle breeze blew through the forest.

We had been hunting boar, but having seen nothing but trees and rocks for a while, we decided to stop and take a break before traveling more on foot. We found ourselves following a river that led us to a sloping hillside beside a large rocky waterfall, and it was there that we finally dismounted and gave the horsebirds a rest.

Lai left his mount, Sabrac, with me and walked down near the water’s edge. He has been quiet most of the morning, which was unusual for him. Every now and then I had peered over at him, trying to gauge his expression. He was particularly good at keeping me at bay, averting his gaze or shooting me a small smile that was as simple as it was secretive. I couldn’t help but feel that perhaps he had caught on to my nervousness and that made me feel even more anxious.

When he finally walked back up the hill to where I was sitting his expression had shifted, as if he had found something that he had been looking for. His gaze made me swallow around the dry lump that had been building in my throat, which only got worse when he sat down beside me, continuing to stare at me as if he had never seen me before and we were just meeting for the first time.

Slowly, he reached out and touched my hand.

Everything in that second moved. My heart leapt. My breathing hitched. I could feel myself tremble in anticipation of what would come next. I could do nothing more than stare at Lai as he began to tell me, very slowly and almost childlike, about how he had been wondering why he felt so calm and at peace when he was with me. Without warning he blurted out “I like you” as if he were just learning how to speak, those three little words resounding in my ears as if they had been struck with the fury of a hammer.

I went into shock. I could barely think of a word to speak, no matter actually trying to produce them and all the while Lai was getting closer and closer until his face was inches from mine, his emerald hues relentlessly boring into me as if searching for the answer that I couldn’t speak aloud. I managed to squeak out his name and he seemed unsatisfied with that answer because he leaned forward and captured my lips with his own. Every fiber of my being sprang to life in that instant, a rush surging through my system, familiar and wildly unfelt before. It had been ages since anyone had touched me this way and I was surprised at how badly such a simple gesture rocked me to the core.

I knew, beyond any shadow of a doubt that if I kept my feelings to myself I would be living a lie from this moment forward. I wouldn’t be able to continue to just be friends even when the possibility of more was terrifying. I wanted, more than anything to be his and yet the baggage that came with that would tear me to shreds.

“Will you be my mate, Vheyo?”

The question was so honest, so sincere and so earnest, I couldn’t not answer it. The way he was looking at me it was almost a crime to say no, but I couldn’t very well just say yes either, not without telling him why.

I took a deep breath and I opened my mouth and words just starting tumbling out. I voiced my insecurities one after the next, finally asking “am I really what you want?”

Lai looked thoughtful for a moment and then he just smiled and shook his head. He bumped his forehead against mine, something that would become our way of greeting one another, of encouraging one another, an intimate gesture shared just between the two of us, and as he did so he swore that if he would have me, he would take no other mate. That I was all he could possibly want. I had shown him the light when he felt like he was clouded by darkness, and had given his broken heart sanctuary. I was the reason he felt he could finally move on.

I was unsure at first, terrified by uncertainty but I was so touched by the notion that I was willing to give him a chance…. Give us a chance…. And so I said yes.

The way he smiled at me then made the sun look dull, and he caught me up in his strong arms, squeezing me tight. I had folded myself against him, head resting on his chest all the while asking myself if I were dreaming.