#hfs rant

"You're 13"

CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP ABOUT AGE??!?!?! JUST LET ME BE WHAT I WANT TO BE. SAME WHEN I COME OUT THAT IM ABROSEXUAL AND AROMANTIC

ugh, so much is going these days. I'm moving this Sunday to North Hollywood! It'll be my first time officially out of the house, living on my own, that is. It's both exciting and scary. I'm trying to focus on the positives but my fucked up head keeps retreating to the negatives.

I'm transferring to a new store. [FUCK I HATE WHEN I GET INTERRUPTED AND I'M TRYING TO WRITE! I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN MONTHS AND I JUST GOT FUCKING INTERRUPTED FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK UP FUCK UP FUCK UP FUCK UP FUCK UP FUCK UP FUCK UP FUCK UP FUCK FUCK UP!

I'M BACK]

Anyway, I start at my new store Monday, I'm anxious to start because I want to prove that I'm good at my job, even though it's just Starbucks, I take pride being a barista, although I gotta say that I have been a tad cocky at work recently. I gotta tone it down a bit at this new store. I'm gonna be the new guy so I gotta find a medium where I'm both likeable, yet nobody questions how good I am. I'm also slightly afraid that I'm going to end up hating my new store and I'll quit or get fired or some bullshit like that.

I start school in two weeks! I'm both stoked and nervous. Stoked because I know that deep down in my heart, this is what I'm meant to do - Sound! But I'm nervous because this is my last threshold before I "grow up" and "become an adult" even though I'm already an adult. My buddy Brian told me that I need to learn how to live in the moment, for today only and not a year and a half down the line. I'm already dreading what happens when I get out of school but I haven't even started yet!!

Which reminds me of why I'm not in a relationship! My last one ended for a lot of reasons, but one reason was because I couldn't stop living in the future. I kept thinking and worrying about what would happen if she broke up with me, or what if I broke up with her. I knew we weren't meant to be together forever. I Knew that much, we were too different. Ultimately I couldn't keep thinking like this, and I knew the only way to stop worrying about it all would be to just end the relationship, despite how I cared for her and stuff. Now, it's been a year and a half since I've been in a relationship and I can't bring myself to get involved with anyone physically or emotionally because I jump right to the end like it's just going to be all over. I try to live in the moment, but right now is never good enough for me.

I mean, these past few months have been great. I left my internship in my January and there was two months or so where I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do. Was going to continue in advertising? Was I going to just go back and do teaching? I decided I wanted to pursue sound engineering because I've always loved it and it's what I'm meant to do, I know it! And then once I figured that out, I just learned to chill. I worked 40 hours/week at Starbucks and then on my off time, I went out with a few friends. Drank, saw live bands play, hung out, saw movies, did what I should have done all throughout college. Except, I never did that during college. I just worked two jobs and school, and then my off time was spent around my music. But now, I can hardly even write a song. I get bored when I play guitar. Playing on my own is not the same as playing with a group. I miss being in a band.

So instead of playing music, I've resorted to watching a lot of television shows. I love shows, but I feel like it's kind of broken me. Like, I pretty much live as if it were a television show. I wish life was a television show. You're only around for 7 or 8 years. Everyone loves you. You actually have lines and you don't have to worry about anything else. And then when you've hit your peak, you're over. There's no suicide, no sickness. Just one bittersweet ending and then you're remembered for the rest of somebody's life. Oh, if only life were that simple.

But because of all my fears, all of my anxieties, all of my emotional bullshit, I'm not allowing myself to go out and meet new people. But I guess that is just because where my life is at the moment. Once I move out to NoHo and start school and start at a new store who knows, maybe I'll meet new people and maybe even the girl of my dreams!

This time around, I'm going to push myself in all directions. I'm going to get the best grade I can in class because if I don't push myself at school, what's the point of going? I was given another opportunity (that I'm paying for) to be great at something. The very least I can do is do the most that I can.

I'm going to push myself at Starbucks. I've been in the same area for 5 years and I've finally gotten to a point where I'm actually good at my job, I've matured, and I've become a great person. I have a new opportunity to present a "new me", why not take it! And as for living in a new place. I'll be living with people I do not know yet, who are older than I am, but it should be good because it'll give me an opportunity to branch out and network. Grow and meet even more people. Maybe even start getting my name out there, who knows?!