#hello enjoy

III. love of my life

Trench coat swallowed his frame as he walked through the familiar street. Repeating what he had to say in his head. It’s almost done. I’m doing okay really. No Jamie, it’s not like the last time. Adam is getting married. Yeah you’ll probably get the invitation soon. Yeah, crazy I know. He couldn’t quite put a finger on what exactly was making his head spin anytime the line „Adam is getting married” made it past the lump in his throat. Maybe the simple fact that one was doing something the others weren’t. Their little symbiosis Matty always found himself addicted to. Their boat. Of course, it wasn’t like the last time, when he was the one to break the collective way they functioned. Carly was a good woman, the kind you marry. Soft ginger locks falling down her shoulders. Kind expression. When she came around Adam always had that smile a man has when he loves a woman. Something unbelievably tender the person itself doesn’t probably even realize. You can look at such a couple and say Ah yes, they’re happy. Looking like the kind of people who segregate their trash and use soft non-synthetic fabrics. It felt like the four of them all wanted for their lives to consist of just being together. Closeness that they had that was so unachievable for him in any other relationship he ever had in his life. Sort of. Being known, seen. Naive, youthful belief he has stucked with since young age, that it would be possible to live such life, now soured by experience. Confusing, obscure thought for him now, to even consider one of them doing something alone, developing his life. Especially in such ways.

He pushed the door to the restaurant open and already saw Jamie sitting by the table. His head almost started to hurt at the prospect of hearing his manager’s voice as he made his way to the table. The other man looked up with. Smiling voice as they say their hello’s.

„How was the studio?” He asks, going straight for the inevitable. Matty looks up from the menu. Swallowing. He feels like back in the day when he’d show up everywhere with a neck damp from fear of being caught. Every question convincing him that they knew. Everyone knew. Making up excuses on the spot and getting lost in your own mind.

„Good, yeah, real good. George showed me this beat. Single material maybe. It’s really all…coming along yeah.”

„Well I hoped so”

He furrows his brows momentarily as he sets the piece of paper down. Like he expects the older man opposite from him to elaborate.

„I just mean, it’s the longest break you’ve ever had between albums, I’m assuming it’s for a reason, that it’s because you’re making something better.”

„It’s just…” he breaks off. It’s still early. I barely have the ability to register where I am most of the week how am I supposed to write. Realising in real time it was the one question he didn’t rehearse in advance a response to. Unable to find it on the spot. Embarrassed even at that. „Nothing. I’m just really striking for it to be great.”

Jamie is busy looking through the menu like it’s best for him to ignore the hesitation in Matty’s response. Like it’s an unpleasant bug he can pretend not to notice. Finally puts down the card when the waitress comes. Left without a response Matty sips on the ice cold water waiting on the table. He really wishes he had taken that Xanax.

„Adam and Carly set the date I hear?” Matty nods, forcing himself to swallow the food he was biting into. His throat feeling like it may close up just so he doesn’t have to speak. He feels hot at the scalp, reaching for the glass. Probably downed 3 of these and the food has barely arrived.

„Yeah he told me when I was at George’s last friday”

He still remembers the fight. Doors slummed shut. They never fight. Cry if they do. Unable to create then. His words harsh. Too harsh for someone whom he treated like a brother. He would be nothing without him. Always finding himself with nothing but love for the boys. Except on the other days when he just wanted to shake them and scream into their faces. Why me. He would be no one if it wasn’t for Hann and his girlfriend asking him to join the band back then. Why me. He was a mess most of the days. Ego big enough to entertain whole arena but self esteem so low to never handle the quiet that came after. Maybe in a sick part of his brain he wanted to blame every person who ever gave him a chance. This is what you get. This is me. No. He has already gone down that path before. Pathetic to repeat the cliché again. He didn’t want to be that guy. Not really. Cringes every time he remembers how he responded when Hann brought the matter of the wedding up. June? What do you mean you’re getting married in June. Maybe June was a possible release date. Adam’s scoff like he was being ridiculous. Bitter. Matty I am not consulting my wedding date with you if it’s about the album. The album - that’s not even done yet. I know things have been hard since- He shakes the thought. Almost winces physically. Okay, look, whatever. You’re getting off the topic now. That’s not relevant here. Rubbing his face and pacing in George’s living room. Hands in hair. Well, to me it’s not nothing. It’s a question of values. Seeing that yours have changed.

His skin feels too hot now in the restaurant. Collar of the shirt under his sweater too tight as he fumbles with the button. Nodding to whatever Jamie is saying before excusing himself to the restroom. Almost dropping the knife on the floor. Moving on autopilot to the door and locking them behind himself. He feels physically sick. Wanting to throw up his whole insides along with the memory of last friday. The way Adam looked at him. Feels disgusted with himself. Wishing he could scratch the skin he’s in off. Strange that feeling, hasn’t felt it in a good while. Remembers how terrible. Useless. Difficult feelings, everyone was trying their best. He wasn’t a bad person. He didn’t want to be. He tried to be good. He needed his people to be good. Not everyone is perfect, sometimes you get mad at them for that but they’re human too. Breathing hard as he slides down the restroom door, clutching at his sweaters sleeves. Wave of consuming him weakness. He rests his forehead against his knees. Curled in the small bathroom. He’d die for them. Why was he like this. Example of person who can be given the best things in life, people who bring out the best in him yet do nothing for them in exchange except pull down along with him. His face damp. Sweat or tears he doesn’t know.

By the time he splashed the water down his face and returned with expression schooled back to casual just enough, Jamie was already on a call. Handling something for someone else. He didn’t ask when he finished it and apologized saying he had to go. Pretending he didn’t notice the way the older man squeezed his arm before leaving like he was wordlessly telling the younger to get it together. Jamie payed in advance. Weird chivalry he doesn’t care that much for as he pushes the unfinished plate away, unable to eat more and gets his coat. His hands shaking as he leans on the wet building outside and lights the cigarette.

Ps: also the ships are up to you but I think it’s cute to have ships

P.p.s: I also have HC where they aren’t grumpy but like these are just grumpy ones ok thanks cool

Logan: his hair his disheveled, he has atleast twenty mugs of coffee near him and there is a good chance he fell asleep at his desk. That being said there is also a good chance he is still in his tie simply loosened and he requires affection though he would never admit it. Whoever may be his lucky partner definitely comes up to him (in the same grumpy fashion) tugs on his tie gently and gives him a kiss.

Remus: he is a literal child. He will not get out of bed unless coaxed or three hours after his initial wake up. He lives in his bed and there is a good chance that he will remain seated there all day. If forced out of bed it is for food and food only, with his pajamas and most likely a stuff ir he will trudge to the kitchen, receive and proud kiss from whoever he is with because he actually got out of bed. He will then promptly fall asleep on the counter as he waits for Patton to cook breakfast.

Virgil: there’s a good chance he’s been up all night and you can probably find him extremely gruntled in the living room trying to keep his eyes open to finish whatever game he was playing. He will need to be bribed with gentle affection as well as probably being carried to his bed so he can get some actual rest. He also won’t come out of his room in the morning until he looks somewhat presentable

Roman: he wakes up fairly early but only if you’ve given him enough beauty rest, if not, be prepared to be met with an angry sheet mask wearing prince. He will only be called by the one he is with and usually calms after being awake for a moment. He never really loses the spring in his step in the morning and bustles in quite happily. A kiss to whoever may be his partner.

Patton: he awakes early and at the same time every morning, he can be grumpy but that doesn’t affect his schedule. He wakes up, goes to the kitchen begins preparing breakfast, wakes the others and then serves breakfast. However, whichever side may be his partner will typically give him sleepy affection to bring back that sweet smile to his face. You can and will find him slugging around the house wrapped in a blanket, slippers on his feet and teddies with him. Sometimes he’s just gotta be a kid and whoever is with him happily makes sure he gets rest.

he was half asleep when his phone began to ring and, startled awake by the sound, elvie began searching through his blankets with a grunt of confusion. he didn’t know who could be calling him. one glance through his bedroom window out to the house next door and elvie knew that margo was asleep, as the majority of their quiet little town tended to be at three in the morning. his phone was still ringing when he found it. he read the name blinking across the screen and frowned. “...aj?” he answered the call with the soft murmur, scrubbing his tired eyes and stifling a yawn. “hey. what’s up?”

sitting by sam's bed, dean waited with his hands clasped underneath his chin and his elbows resting on his knees. he was silent and appeared calm but the way his brows creased as he looked over his brother and the way his leg bounced just showed how worried he was. he had lost sam too many times before and they had been lucky that this was only a close call but he was angry with himself for not being able to get to sam sooner than he had. maybe if he had, his brother wouldn't be in the state he was in right now. sighing quietly, dean sat back in the chair and waited. he knew sam had already woken up and needed his rest but he wouldn't settle until he actually saw it for himself. "what, so you wake up for gen but not me, huh?" he murmured, his voice forcefully taking on a joking tone even though his expression was still clouded with concern. "clear favoritism there, sammy." he was trying his best to be light-hearted but his hands were shaking and he had to reach up to wipe away the single tear that fell from his eye.

              Like an icy dagger to the spine. The chill ripples throughout him, limbs shifting abruptly when he wakes and a breath almost unwillingly being drawn in. He lays there for a moment, breathing sharply — just a second or two — before Bucky sits up quickly from where he was lying on the floor. He sees something in his peripheral, someone behind him, but he blinks hard a few times before he finally turns his head to look over his shoulder.  ( Not ice. )  It was a hand that touched his back, to wake him up from whatever dream –  ( or hell ) – scape he was in. 

              He doesn’t remember the details of it, just now.  ( He will or ... he does ; they’re always ... memories. Not dreams. )  Flashing images in his mind of violence and blood, the sounds of begging and crying — but that’s all. Not that it matters so much now. He’s back in the real world, free from the little prison his mind builds each night he lays down. As he regains his breathing, bringing it to a normal rhythm though, there’s still a heavy pit in his stomach, even after seeing and realizing that he’s safe. He just wonders ... Is he?

             Bucky blinks at Druig, but says nothing when he begins to move away and then stand. He pushes himself to his feet to put distance between the two of them. It was a mercy, right? Druig was helping. He saw Bucky was scared, stuck ; he did this to help.  ( Maybe. )  It’s like the devil on his shoulder preaching distrust, only in the back of his mind, reminding Bucky the extent of Druig’s expertise on the mind — on free will.  ( And isn’t that really the nightmare? )  Bucky runs a knuckle underneath his nose and sniffs, but then nods vaguely.  ( That knot isn’t going away. )  Eye-contact with Druig only lasts a second or two at a time before Bucky glances away, to a wall, to the ground :  “ I’m fine. ”  ( But maybe he’s just paranoid. )