#hellbentwritings

And they're in awe, always in awe

They say we have everything

Maybe we are everything

Everything but fire

That explodes as millions of particles

When friction happens

When our skins collide

We do everything but burn

Burn so bright

But at least we are everything

Everything but dead

Been so long since I last wrote.

If you intend to wait

Until I die

Before you buy me flowers

and answer my 'whys'

You have to know

I cannot smell

Gerberas

Desensitized. I am perpetually desensitized. This month has taken its toll on me. Intense influx of emotions is coming in that I don’t feel any of them. Just when I would want to feel the efforts I have waited so long to feel, I seem to have turned off my hypothalamus. Maybe it’s the way of the world to give me a break or I’m plainly being my self-sabotaging self.

You said “I love you” first, over the phone, after so long. I wish I felt something –something like what they write in novels, something I dreamt of feeling before I ended up in this state.

You took the risk to show that you care and I didn’t know how to respond.

You finally said “I hope you understand,” when I have been waiting for you to acknowledge all my attempts, but this time I didn’t give a fucking damn.

You said you miss me, and it would have brought me to tears but I stared blankly on the screen, waiting for something inside to break like always, since I was a kid, but to no avail.

I’m sure she means more to you; still, no evidence of pain.

I looked forward, all of my life, to be with you; now, when I look forward and I see nothing, no one, I laugh about it thinking this is what comes after my childish dreams.

I’m at the brink of quitting my job and a free fall sounds good to me.

On top of all these, my survival instincts are starting to weaken.

Tears dry up

When the wind touches your face

  People come, people go

Some would stay

  When it’s your turn to leave,

Put my heart on your sleeve

  Books are read, they come to an end

Life happens, so does death

  Everything in this trance

Is meant to fade away

  Pain boils inside,

But it subsides

  Even love, when it’s too much

Gets lost along the way

  We all get just a dose and few chances

I stopped blogging for a while because of some reasons including my lack of time 'cause I have two jobs now. I know right, when it rains, it pours! And other personal issues. But since Tumblr is bugging me, sending me "come back" messages, I decided to post few reveries I took down. I am now blatantly blogging about my thoughts. It helps for when I need to remember.

Day 1

I have been constantly going to and from the thought that he was the one I thought I needed although I never dared to act on that hunch because I know better –he isn’t. Just by asking one question, he confirmed it. I’m writing this so I won’t forget, so I won’t forget how shallow he sees me and how grateful I should be to have known it before doing something stupid –as if feeling something for him isn’t stupid enough.

Day 2

If you were just like this song I have put on repeat, I’d play you over and over until I get tired of the monotony; until you lose meaning to me.

Day 3

The fact that you want to know me, scares me. I’m the one usually knowing, I’m the one usually giving so this new feeling creeps me out in a not-so-bad way.

Day 4

It’s not true that you don’t lose anything in trying. You could lose yourself for trying way too hard in the same way that there’s a chance you find yourself too.

Day 5

All the memories feel so long ago, I wish I know what happened to us in between.

Day 6

I have to keep in mind that the world won’t stop spinning if I stop hoping.

Day 7

I’m afraid that this hopelessness, this dismissal, has turned into apathy. I want to raise my issues but they have come repetitive and have lost their meaning in the blow of thin air. Will I ever get back to you? Will I ever finish your sentences again? Will you ever wake up for me again? Just when the only thing supposed to bind us together is hope, I could not find it within. I’m scared that I am now shedding tears because I want us back. This means that what might be next is the unfolding of the truth saying our story ends here. That should not happen because I thought we write it. I want to live in the past. Does that mean we are over?

Day 8

There’s nothing more fulfilling than finding the one you want to share your life with –except finding him again when you thought you’ve lost him.

Day 9

I want to resign from sobriety, order, and staying strong and instead, resort to nothingness, drunkenness, and chaos. It’ll be like coming home to my room and crying after a tough day. Only this time, it’s a tough life.

Day 10

When you love, does it matter how much? How long? Does it matter when or how? Won’t it be enough to say you have loved?

Day 11

Something bothers my frailty

Upon feeling, unsure of what It is

This Void digresses inside

Or this Mass of baggage

I don’t know, I could not hide

  Infinitely we search for Something

While carrying and missing the very meaning,

  The abyss has depth far below

Even ‘intricacies’ is an understatement

  Be known, It divides;

Heaven and Hell,

Love and Hate,

Knowing and Ignorance,

Something and Nothing

Finding and Losing

  They are but underpinnings

For us to keep walking this Path

We may have chosen or not

  But in the end, leaves us

With no answers to