HELLBENT WRITINGS

I am either too much or too little I say I feel a lot, but don't we all? I say I like to travel But that's because the escape is liberating Running wild in the unknown Until nowhere feels like home I blurt out feelings through words As if the pages gave done me wrong I may give too much and expect some in return I swallow my pride when I get none I get too attached that even short distance Creates stiches I cannot see I worry a lot - if I gave the exact amount to the cab driver To how am I going to be a mother - I pretend I do not. I am cool, I am okay. I am such a fucking cliché.

When I lose words or when my words don't fall in line

They say what they say To people who’ve been left That there are more to come And it’s a long life But the way I placed my thighs On both sides of your torso Lightly sitting on your stomach While I tell you how my week went How I let myself get lost In the way you stare at me, half drunk As if you’re something I do not have to compete for When I press your hand While crossing the highway Even if I get hit, it won’t be so bad after all And when you tighten your grip Of my back Ache and pleasure all at once When we share cigarettes And talk like old buddies Who haven’t seen each other After prison And when you kiss my forehead That I have to close my eyes Because the touch is enough The sight is too much Will never be the same with another Not all that’s lost can be found

Today, I learned I have about 206 bones in my body I had to search the fact because I couldn’t believe how much is breaking inside me With every word you say When I had her pictures for lunch With your half promises With every blame I try to find I never thought the human body To be capable of this much pain As if I’m swallowing knives in every exhale Or being hit on the chest in between sobs Your cold responses seal my wounds with salt Like you could watch me die anytime of the day and go to the movies after

Take my words with you I’d like to use them For all things beautiful Not for the sad, the broken, the painful Not when waking up Next to an empty bed And wiping last night’s tears With today’s Take my words with you I do not wish to use them To tell the world I intend to rip my heart To get rid of the pain When you’ve already done that for me Take my words with you I cannot use them To say how I hate sunrises now And how it is to be homeless And how to walk away from what we had Because I wouldn’t want them to Take my words with you None of them could ever fathom The sting of pain exhaling anyway And the shame of how I plot To get you to come back I swallow my pride Only to throw up Take my words with you They’re all I have Now that you’ve left And they were for you

Will we ever be ready to embrace the unknown?

And the waves Withdraw like there’s no tomorrow The way I say I love you no more But the next day I’m at your door Fervently knocking, partly screaming And the sand, I grip too tight The way I must be carrying us That’s why we fall like granules In between my fingers Until I am holding nothing And the same saltwater That crystalizes my skin Hurts the wounds I’ve had before

Mt Daguldol 2015 Never the same person after a climb

Were you awake When I wish I weren’t Because like days and nights I will keep living only to die

If death is not breathing And breathing to me is writing But I cannot write without thinking And thinking is saddening Then sadness is part of living In senseless bliss, I will be dying

Thank you for believing in me more than I could ever believe myself in this lifetime.

Thank you, Universe, for my mom who kept me in her womb and nurtured me albeit her lack of knowledge on how I would turn out as an adult; for my father who taught by example how to say 'I love you' and 'I'm sorry'; for my sister who was the subject of my transition from a person I loathe to who I am now -- someone I can tolerate; for the times I felt alone, the silence made me hear my own voice; for the person who I claim is the answer to my prayers and my own wonderwall; for everyone I met and looked down on me, I learned not to look down on anybody by the metrics they have set; for the friends, the real ones, who keep me grounded and cushioned with love at the same time; and for the words I cannot breathe without.