#hell date

The Cubs won their first World Series since 1908, Beyonce performed at the Country Music Awards, and Chelle went on a date from hell! It's been one interesting week and we recap it all including sleeper songs Biggie & Jordans - Vinnie Chase (Jon) I Need More - Mario (Chelle) and The Walking Dead Spoilers 1:13:08. Closing Song: Georgia Bush - Lil Wayne

My homeboy’s hell date!

he decided to take her to a restaurant, which she was about two hours late for. When she finally arrived he was shocked by her looks cause when he met her she had black hair and now she had a blond wig on looking like nicki minaj on Pink Friday. They walk over to the spanish restaurant where they ordered food and she complained that the menu was too complicated for her and would have been better off  going to BBQs. At this point he is thinking, “chick

During their dinner, she pulls out her big ass bottle of listerine and begins to take a swig of it. At this point mt boy had to excuse himself and go to the bathroom and he cursed himself and yelled in the bathroom. He calls his friend and asks him to call him in 5 minutes so he could leave but my boy’s phone dies and he goes back to the table. ( I dont know where she spit the mouthwash at. lol ) 

At this point, they head to the downtown area where she :

Purchases weed from a random guy on Fulton st.

Purchases liquor from the liquor spot and goes to wendys for two big cups of Fruit punch and adds the liquor it 

Proceeds to ask him questions about where his mouth is willing to go ( does he eat the box out..)

your date says "I think you're out of my league", and you can't help but automatically say "yeah, you're probably right".

The date I just went on was the most unbelievable horrors of all dates.

How can a dreamy caramel brother with dreadlocks be such a nightmare!

Going to his house to drive to the Improv with him: REALLY STEPH, REALLY RANDY?! WE'RE GOING TO HIS HOUSE SO WE CAN DRIVE WITH HIM. REALLY. WHY DIDN'T I KNOW THIS. WHY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS GUY. YOU KNOW WHO I AM CURRENTLY SEEING. REALLY. YOU KNOW WHO I'VE BEEN BUTT CRAZY ABOUT FOR TWO YEARS NOW. I HATE YOU BOTH SO MUCH. YOU BETTER NOT LEAVE ME ALONE. HE'S 25. I HAVE NO INTEREST IN DATING THIS GUY AT ALL. THAT IS TOO MUCH OLDER THAN ME. Okay, they said they wouldn't leave us or me. Things will be okay. It won't be just me and him alone like I thought. Randy's family will be there too, I'll probably just stay with Steph and Randy the whole night. This will be okay. I probably won't even exist to him.

Meeting him: What the fuck is Mr.Mastas doing here. Oh shit. That's him. Hi. Wait, what did he say his name was? Shit. Just say nice to meet you, someone will say his name later and you'll catch it then. This guy dresses like a legit cholo. Oh hell. Who dresses like this at all.

Arriving to the Improv: NO NO. STEPH. RANDY. Why are you walking in front of us. Why are you leaving us two behind. This is awkward. Please wait for me. Oh, good, they're stopping. WHAT. Your shoes are slipping which make you walk slow.... SO NOW YOU GUYS ARE WALKING BEHIND US?! ARE YOU SERIOUS. Well. This. This. This is just GREAT. NOOOOOO now we're walking at the same pace and making awkward conversation. Why are you guys cuddling and being all lovey dovey for? This is making everything so damn awkward. WHY ARE YOU GUYS DOING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU SAID. WHY ARE YOU GUYS SEPARATED FROM US AND LEFT ME WITH THIS GUY THAT I DO NOT KNOW.

Waiting in line to get into the Improv: Uh huh. Shit he talks a lot. My gosh. Why are you talking so much. Wow, he just told me that I'm really pretty and he likes my smile, how nice. Wow, wow, okay, that's really sweet of him. Okay. You can stop now. What? Okay now this isn't nice anymore, this is just plain creepy. Please stop saying you like girls who have my color hair, and please stop saying it's really pretty on me. You are overdoing it, fella. Lalalalalalalala wow you have a boat? Coooooooooooool. The Improv sign behind your head is in a really interesting font, I wonder what font it is? Hmmm. Shit, is he still talking? I zoned out. What the fuck is that girl wearing? Oh wait, he's still talking. Stop asking so many questions. Why are you asking so many questions? I'm an awkward and uninteresting person. Just relax, Sarah, this is nothing. I can't believe they're separated from me. I really cannot believe this. Why are you guys over there. You said you wouldn't leave me. Do you guys know how bad this is? Everyone in our group is coupled up. EVERYONE HAS A DATE. And then there's him and me who are just... WAIT. WHOA. WHAT THE FUCK. DID HE JUST SAY HE'S NOT 25. DUDE. I THINK HE JUST TOLD ME HE'S 30. LIKE HALF OF 60. MOTHERFUCK. HE'S 30?????????!?!?!??!?!??!!!!!!!!?! THIRTY. THE GUY THAT MY SISTER'S BOYFRIEND SET ME UP ON A BLIND DATE WITH WITHOUT MY PERMISSION/KNOWLEDGE/ANYTHING IS 30!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH A 19 YEAR OLD!!!!!!!?!??!!!!!!!!?! YOU SICK SICK BASTARD. OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS PURE AND GOOD IN THIS WORLD, WHYYYYYY?!?!?!!!!??! I WAS IN SECOND FUCKING GRADE WHEN YOU GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL YOU PERVERT. OH MY GOSH. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! Wait, what did he just ask? Why am I staring at my feet for? Oh. I stare at my feet when things feel awkward as fuck and I don't know what else to do. Sarah, just relax. Just breathe. Why are you brushing the hair out of my face. Who told you that you could do that. Don't touch my face. Stop. Stop. Stop that MEOW.

Waiting for the Improv to start: I'm actually starving since I haven't eaten all day but I'm going to tell you I am not hungry because I don't want you to pay for me and to get any ideas of this being a date. What did he ask? Oh. I want a water. No, it's okay, thank you, I don't want to get anything else. I just want water. I love water. Water is good. NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING. WHY DID YOU TELL THE WAITRESS THAT I WANT ICE TEA. I DON'T CARE WHAT DIFFERENT TEAS YOU HAVE HERE, YOU TWAT, I JUST WANT WATER. IF I WANTED TO ORDER A SNAPPLE LEMON TEA OR A STRAWBERRY LEMONADE, I WOULD HAVE ORDERED A MOTHERFUCKING SNAPPLE DAMN LEMON TEA. Yes. Yes. I am sure that's all that I want, thank you. Sweet merciful Gaga, I am going to kill Steph and Randy with my laser beams. Hey, you two, stop cuddling. WHY DID HE JUST INTRODUCE ME AS HIS GIRLFRIEND. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU. Why are you asking me if I had a discount working at Victoria's Secret. You ain't going to see shit. I need a stiff drink. I don't even drink or support drinking, but I need something strong to get through this night.

During the Improv: Stop. Do not. Why. Why are you putting your arm around the back of my chair. Stop. Don't do that. WHAT. WHY ARE YOU PLAYING WITH MY HAIR. STOP THAT. Why are you tapping my back. Oh wow, you put a sticker on the back of my jacket. Ha. Ha. Good one. WHO THE FUCK LAUGHS LIKE THAT. REALLY NOW. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR ESOPHAGUS. WHY DO YOU KEEP NUDGING ME. STOP. STOP THAT NOW. I AM HEARING THE SAME COMEDIANS AS YOU. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO REPEAT EVERYTHING THE COMEDIANS ARE SAYING. SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOUR LAUGH?! Oh shit. He's 30. HE'S 30. This guy is really trying to get at a girl who's 19. YOU ARE THIRTY AND OLD. YOU'VE LIVED YOUR LIFE. Why do you keep resting your head on my back when something is really funny. THIS ISN'T CUTE. YOU ARE THIRTY. I HAVE NO INTEREST IN YOU. PLEASE STOP MAKING THIS INTO A DATE.

Leaving the Improv: Dude I really don't care you have a brand new Audi, you driving super fucking fast down the street DOES NOT impress me. IT SCARES ME. Hey, you, 30 year old, did you see that sign? That is the speed limit. Not the Hey Let's Try and Cheat Death and Play the Game of Trying To Go Anything Above this Number sign. Uhm. Did he really just ask me why I AM wearing a seat belt? Uhm. Wait. He's not wearing his seat belt. WAIT, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY'S NAME?!

Dinner after the Improv: Dude really what's his name? Shit. DAMN YOU STEPHANIE. Why do you have to sit on the other side of the booth with Randy?! WHYYY. WHY COULDN'T YOU LET THE BOYS BE LOVERS. I'm placing my purse beside me, you keep your bloody distance pal. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy are you leaning so close to me. Okay. Do you see me leaning against the wall of the booth? This is me trying to not be near you. Wow, I've never been this intimate with a wall before. I'm glad we have each other, wall. I love you, wall. YOU WATCH ALL THESE DISNEY CHANNEL SHOWS WITH YOUR NIECES. I GREW UP WITH THOSE SHOWS. I AM TOO YOUNG FOR YOU, BRO. I AM WAY TOO YOUNG. Wait, you have a sister who's 18? I was 18. A MONTH AGO. I need to go to the bathroom and cry. Why are you plucking an eyelash off my face. Don't tell me to blow it in that sexual tone. Oh shit. Why are you singing. Why.

Saying goodbye: Oh sweet motherfuck I need to get out of here. RIGHT NOW. GOODBYE.