#heebeeasks

I’ve been a bit preoccupied the last few months with so many back to back events, so my Brittana posting has been a lot less, but I’m still here and still loving Brittana!

Never is a strong stance to take on anything. I think it’s highly unlikely I’ll be updating in the near future, but I still hold the story dear to my heart.

I don’t really know how to properly put this to words, but questions like this are really hard to answer. It puts all this unnecessary pressure on my reply. If I say ‘no, I won’t update’ even though the truth is ‘I don’t know, but I’d like to,’ what’s worse? Leading you on to believe in an outcome that may never happen? Or closing a chapter on something I hold dear and keeping the possibility of an update to myself?

I just don’t know. I wish I could tell you. I’ve written and rewritten chapter 44 more times than I can count. I’ve also, on multiple occasions, completely forgotten everything I wrote. I reread the story earlier this year, tried to write 44 again and was just completely lost on the tone and heart of intentions with the story telling. I kept asking myself ‘what story am I trying to write, and how can I write something when my heart is so lost?’

I remember thinking a lot about Santana. Her place emotionally in the story is where I got stuck. There’s a deep sadness I was trying to explore and represent when someone you care for rejects you. But the right words never came. I thought about skipping it and writing ahead, but... it just feels so important. It’s what we’re all scared of when we’re in the closet. And I was in the closet at the time of writing it, so maybe..?

I had a lot going on in my life at the time I last posted an update. I was starting my graduate thesis, working while being a full time student, and falling in love. I got so swept up with my real life, with all the ups and downs that come with it, and ‘next summer break or winter break’ just never really became available for me to sit down and write.

Then life happened some more. I started working full time, using every ounce of spare time I had to manage my social and love life. Work got bad, and life got harder. Pretty hard, actually - more than I thought it could.

It’s difficult for me to admit that my mental, emotional, and physical health has been unwell. I’ve been trying to take the time to recover from an enormous amount of burnout and heartache. I also have to prioritize my art over my writing.

I had a few I wrote but honestly don’t remember a lot of them. You can find them here: