#hedonist

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“Are you okay? Do you want me to come in with you?” Folio asked, both his hands still resting on the steering wheel while you stared ahead of yourself. 

There was a window lit on the second floor- Noah’s bedroom. He was home. 

Your stomach turned as you wondered if he was alone, or if he had company tonight. If there was someone else laying on your side of the bed, running their fingers through his hair, wearing his shirt. What if it was too late, what if he had moved on already-

“Y/n?” Folio brought you back to reality, and this time you turned to face him. 

“It’s fine,” you said as you shook your head, “I need to do this. Whether he wants to listen to me or not.” 

“He’s gonna listen.” Folio said after a moment, his voice quieter this time. 

“How do you know?” 

“Because it’s Noah,” he said simply, like that should’ve been obvious, “And he loves you. Even now, after everything.”

You swallowed hard, reaching for the door handle… but your hand just rested there, as fear hit you all over again. But with a deep breath, you pushed through it, and opened the door. It was cold outside, and the air smelled like rain and cigarette smoke from Noah’s neighbour, who was currently standing outside on the porch. 

“You want me to wait here?” Folio asked through the open window. 

You hesitated for a moment, thinking it over. Part of you desperately wanted it, that safety net, someone to back your corner if an argument starts. But another part knew this needed to just be the two of you. 

So you shook your head. 

“No,” you said softly, “I think I need to do this on my own. But thank you for everything tonight… if you hadn’t been in the bar-” 

“Hey,” he interrupted you, a smile tugging on his lips, “Just go get your man.”

Your stomach did a flip at those words, and as you turned around you felt like time had suddenly slowed down. The walk from the driveway to his door felt far longer than it ever used to be, and the moment you reached it, memories came flashing back. 

All the nights you’d come back to Noah’s after the club, drunk and giggly, trying to unlock the door in between kisses. Other nights when the two of you had gone to pick up snacks because you were craving something sweet, and you had to sneak in like a pair of teenagers because his roommates were asleep. And now your hands were so shaky you weren’t sure if you could even knock on the door. 

But you did it anyway. 

Knock knock knock…

Panic suddenly flooded you, terrified that it wouldn’t be Noah answering the door, but maybe another girl. 

But before you could worry too much, the door swung open, and there he was. Neither of you spoke for a moment, he just stared at you like his brain had completely stopped working, like you weren’t really there. 

And he looked tired, his hair was messily tied in a bun, the sleeves of his hoodie were pushed up his forearms. And as you peered past him, you noticed the stack of boxes against the wall. 

He must’ve been packing. 

“Y/n?” He said carefully, drawing your attention back to him. When you looked back up at him, he was wearing a confused expression, almost like he was in disbelief. 

For a moment, you completely forgot the words you had rehearsed in the car. So you just stared up at him, at his eyes, the crease between his brows, at his mouth you’d missed so much it hurt. You tried to say something, but the moment you parted your lips you were afraid you’d start crying before you could even get a word out. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, genuinely concerned. 

You just took in another deep breath as you nodded your head, gathering yourself… trying to figure out how to-

SLAP

Your hand moved without you even thinking, hitting him across the face.  

“That-” You pointed a finger at his with watery eyes and trembling lips, “That’s for fucking Maya.” 

Noah just stared at you, his head turned slightly to the side from the force of your hand, and he looked absolutely baffled, his hand coming up to hold his cheek. 

Then the tears finally spilled. They ran hot down your cheeks as you reached up, carefully grabbing his face in both hands… and then you kissed him hard, days of grief and missing him and relief and loving him all crashing together at once, and your lips said everything that you couldn’t. 

His hands found your waist as you slowly pulled back, and he was even more confused now, looking at you with a little frown. 

“That… was also for fucking Maya.” You said quietly, your eyes still closed.

“What the fuck is happening right now?” He asked with an almost nervous huff of laughter. 

You opened your eyes again, and the second you looked at him properly, all the panic came flooding back. Because he looked so lost, so thrown off. He looked was trying to piece together a puzzle but half the pieces were missing.

Your hands were still cupping his face, your thumbs resting against his cheeks, and you realised you were crying so hard your whole body had started shaking, and Noah noticed it too. 

“Hey,” he said softly, his confusion immediately giving way to concern again as his grip tightened gently on your waist. “What’s wrong?”

You let out a little sound that could’ve been a laugh, it could’ve been a sob.

“Everything, and nothing…” You whispered.

His face fell.

“Can you just…” you swallowed hard, trying to gather yourself enough to speak properly, “Can you please let me explain before you say anything?”

Noah nodded immediately.

“Okay.”

And god, that hurt too, because he didn’t even hesitate. You took a shaky breath as you tried to figure out what to say first. 

“Maya lied to me.” The second her name left your mouth, his expression changed. He wasn’t angry, he just looked exhausted, like he was just tired of hearing her name. 

“What did she say?” He asked carefully.

You laughed weakly again, wiping your face with the sleeve of your jacket.

“What didn’t she say?” You scoffed. 

Noah stayed quiet, waiting for you to explain. 

“That night… when we were at Jess’s, she was telling me all these things.” You began to explain, your eyes drifting away from his because somehow it felt too vulnerable to look at him while admitting all of this. “She told me that you didn’t love me… that you never did. She told me you only wanted to sleep with me because nobody else had.” 

“Baby-” Noah frowned. 

“And then I came over here and I asked you if it was true,” you rushed on, your breathing starting to quicken. “And you said yes...”

His eyes widened instantly.

“Oh my god.”

You nodded, though your eyes were welling up again.

“I thought you were confessing to it.”

“No,” he said immediately, shaking his head hard enough that your hands moved with it, “No, no- I thought you meant about me and Maya hooking up before we got together.”

Your eyes squeezed shut.

“I know that now.”

“Jesus christ…” Noah breathed, dragging a hand down his face before looking back at you again in disbelief. “That’s what this whole thing has been about?”

You gave a weak nod, but he looked completely crushed. 

“Y/n,” he said quietly, almost in disbelief himself, “I would never do that to you, I'd never-”

“I know,” you whispered. “I know now.”

The silence that followed felt so heavy, like it was weighing down on your chest. Noah stared at you for a moment, his expression softening more and more the longer he looked at you standing there crying in his doorway.

“Why didn’t you ask me properly?” He asked gently, “We could’ve avoided all of this…”

You dropped your head down, knowing there wasn’t a good answer to this. 

“I don’t know,” you said weakly. “I think… I think I was just angry, and even more so when I asked you if it was true, and it seemed like you knew exactly what I was talking about.”

Noah gently shook his head as his thumb brushed against your side through your jacket.

“You really thought I didn’t love you?” He asked quietly. “After everything?”

You laughed through your tears again, feeling embarrassed now.

“She was messing with my head, she made me feel stupid for believing you did, and now I feel stupid for-”

“No, don’t do that, baby.” He said, and you lifted your eyes back up to his, “You’re not stupid, especially not for feeling loved.” 

Noah watched in real time as your weak smile faded and another sob nearly escaped you. 

“Oh no.” He whispered softly, and before you could even react properly, his hand slid up your arms and then he was pulling you against him, into a hug. 

You buried your face in his chest, and the second his arms wrapped around you properly, you completely gave in, and you stopped holding back.

“I’m sorry,” you cried into his hoodie. “I’m so sorry, Noah…”

“Shh,” he whispered immediately, holding the back of your head carefully. “It’s okay.”

“No it’s not,” you sobbed. “I fired you! I blocked your number! I said some things I didn’t mean, I’ve been so horrible to you-”

“No,” he said again softly, “You did it all because you thought I hurt you.”

“But I didn’t even give you a chance to explain! It’s on me for being so fucking-”

“Stubborn?” He asked, letting out the smallest laugh into your hair, “Y’know that’s one of the things I love about you though, right? You’re stubborn, I’m an asshole… you put me in my place. We’re perfect for each other.”

You let out a little weak laugh, and Noah let out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding. 

God, he’d missed you. 

His hand rubbed slowly up and down your back while you cried against him, telling you to let it all out, it was so comforting that your knees nearly gave out from relief. But after a minute, you pulled back slightly, just enough to look at him again.

“I love you.” You said, so sure of it as you looked into his eyes, “I don’t know how the fuck you did it, I was so certain that I’d never let myself fall for you all those months ago… but now I don’t know how to live without you.”

The moment those last few words left your mouth, you noticed the shift in him. He was scarily quiet, and he was looking at you as if he wasn’t sure whether he should say what he was thinking. 

“What?” You asked, your brows drawing together. 

His eyes drifted away from yours, scaring you a little.

“Noah?”

He exhaled slowly through his nose, like he was trying to figure out how to say it without ruining this moment.

Then, his throat bobbed as he swallowed hard, before finally saying,

“There’s something I haven’t told you yet.”

You were guessing you already knew what it was, the move- Folio had told you. But hearing the tension in his voice now made your stomach turn anyway.

Noah stepped back slightly then, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck as he glanced over his shoulder toward the boxes stacked against the wall.

“I got offered a place in LA,” he said quietly. “It’s better for the band out there, more opportunities, closer to everything...”

You stayed still and silent, letting him explain- but Noah mistook that silence immediately.

“I wanted to tell you before everything happened,” he rushed to explain. “I was even gonna ask you to come with me, but then…” 

“Everything happened.” 

He laughed weakly under his breath, giving you a nod.

“And I was worried it was too soon,” he continued quietly. “I was waiting for the right time to ask you, but I was worried I’d be putting too much pressure on you. We’ve only known each other… for half a year, then suddenly I’m asking you to move across the country with me? And then after we broke up…” his voice faltered the slightest. “I figured there wasn’t really a point bringing it up anymore. I figured you’d be glad to get rid of me.”

The thought of that nearly broke your heart again, thinking about him packing everything up alone, thinking he was leaving without you, thinking this was over forever. 

“Noah,” you began softly, “Do you even know why I’m here right now?”

He searched your eyes, a little confused. 

“To tell me this was all a misunderstanding?”

You nodded your head before pulling back from him. 

“That's part of it… I think we should go inside before I explain it all.” 

Noah had been too caught up to realise you were still both standing at the front door, so he immediately nodded before letting you in. 

The two of you went up to his room, and it was so strange to see it this way. Everything had been taken off the walls, there was an empty space where his guitars once rested against the wall, and there was minimal furniture now, just the drawers and his bed. It made it all seem real. 

It suddenly hit you again that he was really going, and that if Folio hadn't said anything, and if you would’ve stayed home, you would’ve lost him for good. 

“I was at the bar tonight,” you started to explain as you sat down on his bed, “Jess wanted to get me out of the house. Our plan was to… celebrate Steve. But then I saw someone I recognised… Folio.” 

Noah nodded his head. 

“Yeah, he told me he was going out tonight with some of the guys. He asked if I wanted to come but I've been busy here… as you can see.” 

You nodded too, looking up to meet his eyes. 

“He came over to us and started talking to me. He brought up us, and he was saying that you wanted to tell me about you and Maya, about you two hooking up before we became serious, and it confused me because that wasn’t the story she told me-” 

“I did want to tell you about that,” Noah explained, “But she told me not to, she said it’d just mess things up between you and her, and you and me, and I was afraid. I didn’t want you to think it meant anything, because it didn’t. I was just…”

He paused for a moment, almost like he was embarrassed about what he was about to admit. 

“Just what?”

He let out a slow breath through his nose, his eyes dropping to the floor. 

“I was stupid,” he admitted, “And lonely, I guess. I was working all day, doing band stuff at night… I know it's no excuse. But I never wanted her like that… not like how I want you.” 

Your eyes widened a little, and Noah gave a weak little laugh. 

“I remember back when I first met you, I thought Jesus Christ she’s terrifying!” 

You couldn’t help but laugh at that. 

“No you didn’t.” 

“I fucking did,” he said, looking almost offended, “You walked around that shop like you owned the place, bossing everyone around, never afraid to argue with me, tell me how much you hate me…” you watched as his face softened slightly before he continued, speaking quietly, “And I kept thinking there’s no way she would ever like me.” 

Your smile faded slightly as you thought back to that first week, you could still picture it all so vividly. Noah walking through the door for the first time, that fucking smirk on his face, the way he’d lean against cars and smile at you, the shameless flirting and teasing, the morning he brought you breakfast- all the moments you brushed off, all the moments you thought were meaningless… 

“You actually liked me all that time?” You asked quietly, earning a look from that said don’t be ridiculous. 

“Baby.” He said, and the word alone made your head spin. He finally sat down beside you on the bed, close enough to bump your knee with his, “You wanna know something really embarrassing?”

You narrowed your eyes suspiciously at him. 

“That depends...” 

He chuckled, shaking his head. 

“I’ve been in love with you this entire time, since the moment I walked through that squeaky door and saw you sitting at your desk, you had no idea who I was or what I was doing there… and I was nervous, so I might’ve come across a little cocky-” 

“A little?” You scoffed. 

“Fine,” he laughed, “But that’s when I realised it got your attention, so I loved teasing you and annoying the shit out of you-”

“You still do.” You said with a little chuckle, and Noah shrugged. 

“Can you blame me? Whenever you’d get all pissed off your cheeks would go pink and you’d try so hard to pretend I didn’t have an effect on you… I thought you looked so fucking cute.” 

“Stop!” You groaned, covering your face with your hands so he couldn’t see he was having that very effect on you right now.” 

“No,” he said, gently pulling your hands away, “No, I’m saying it now, I’m telling you the truth.” 

So you looked at him again with warm cheeks and a racing heart. 

“I’d spend all day finding excuses to come bother you,” he continued with a little grin, “Stealing your pens, asking you stupid questions I already knew the answer to… hiding your stapler…” 

“That was you?” 

“...Yeah…” 

“You dick!” You laughed, smacking his arm, “I thought I was going crazy!” 

“Yeah, sorry, that was me.” He chuckled, but you watched as his smile slowly faded and he became more serious again. “But… I never thought you’d actually like me back though.” 

Your brows drew together. 

“What?”

He looked away, chewing on the inside of his cheek for a moment, before finally saying, 

“C’mon. A guy like me?”

“What do you mean?” You asked, and you watched as he just shrugged. 

“I’m far from perfect, baby, you know that.” He said quietly, “I know I joke around, I act like I don’t care about shit but… that’s because I never really had anything to care about.” He turned to face you again, his hand finding yours, intertwining your fingers, “But then I met you.” 

You swallowed, feeling your heart ache even more. 

“You had your life together. You cared about people, you worked hard, took your job far too seriously,” he couldn’t help but chuckle again. “You made me want to be a better person. So I started working on myself, because of you.” 

You froze, like you couldn’t believe what he had just said. 

“What?”

He nodded his head. 

“I wanted to deserve you,” he confessed, “I started trying harder because of you. I stopped fucking around so much, stopped smoking and drinking all the time- I started taking things seriously because…” he shook his head with a little laugh, “I wanted to feel like I was worthy of you.” 

A tear slipped down your cheek before you could stop it, but he caught it, wiping it away. 

“I’ve never had a proper relationship before, just like you,” he continued, “No one ever thought I could do anything serious, so they never gave me the chance to prove it. In the end, I started to believe it myself, so I made sure it stayed that way. I didn’t want to get hurt, so I never let myself get in the position where I would… that was until you came along.” 

You looked up at him, still not saying anything, letting him continue. 

“And when I realised there was even the slightest possibility that you liked me back, I knew none of that mattered anymore. At first I thought our stupid enemies with benefits thing was enough, but then I started to miss you when you weren’t around, and I didn’t want to fill that void with random girls anymore. I wanted you, I wanted more, so that day you told me you don’t want me sleeping with other girls… I was hoping that meant you wanted the same thing as me, but you were just too afraid to admit it.” 

You nodded your head. 

“You wanna hear something stupid?” You asked, looking up at him with teary eyes. 

“Nothing you ever say is stupid.” 

“Trust me, this is.” You said, a little laugh escaping, “I spent every day trying to convince myself I didn’t like you. Ever since you walked into my office with that red beanie on your head and your tattoos out, with that stupid sexy smirk that I wanted to wipe off your face, I knew I was in trouble. I told myself and everyone around me that I hated you, but you were right all along- I hated that I didn’t hate you. Then we spent more and more time together, and I started to get to know you properly, and I started to see through that front you put on. I knew you weren’t this fuckboy asshole you pretended to be, and the more you proved it... the harder I fell for you.” 

Noah looked genuinely taken back by that, and it made you feel a little shy. You looked down at your hands, giving his a little squeeze before you continued. 

“I never liked relying on people, I even hate letting myself be vulnerable around my best friends. But you made it so easy, you never made me feel like a burden or like I was too much. Which I think Maya knew, and that’s why she came up with that lie. She knew that would hurt me more than a stupid fling, and I guess it did.” 

Noah frowned, a sorry look in his eyes. 

“But just so I know... what exactly happened between the two of you?” You asked, “I know it’s none of my business because it was before we got together, but she never said a word about it to me.” 

Noah took a deep breath. 

“I started because she kept hanging around after my shows, she’d be there alone so I’d ask where you were- and she’d always have some excuse. She’d always look pissed when I mentioned your name though, like she already knew how I felt about you. But in the beginning she was messing with my head too, telling me how much you hated me and talked shit about me, so of course I believed her because she was your best friend…”

You nodded your head slowly. 

“So when was the first time that you two… y’know.” 

Noah bit down on his lip as he tried to think back. 

“It was after a show one night, there was an afterparty, we were both drunk and she was just there.” He confessed. “Never once did it mean anything though. Like I said, I was just lonely, I never thought you’d give me a chance… and it only happened two more times after that. She kept trying to make it happen again and again but I kept turning her down because it wasn't what I wanted.” 

You nodded your head again, silently telling him you understood. 

“I won’t pretend I’m not hurt by it,” you said quietly, “But I get it. We weren’t together. And I trust that as soon as I asked you to stop seeing other girls, you did.” 

Noah nodded his head, reaching behind him for his phone before handing it over to you. 

“I did. You can even check if you don’t believe me-” 

You shook your head. 

“I do believe you.” You said, a little smile tugging at your lips as you handed his phone straight back, “You’ve never done anything to make me doubt you before, and you’ve just owned up to all of this. I trust you, Noah.” 

The moment he took his phone back, his face softened. He put his phone back down beside him on the bed as his throat bobbed, and for a moment he couldn’t look at you. His vision had blurred with tears, and he pressed his lips together while he thought of how to word what he wanted to say. 

Finally he took in a breath through his nose before turning to face you. He then reached over, both his hands finding your face, gently cupping your cheeks. 

“I love you so much.” He said quietly. 

And you could tell he meant it, 

“So fucking much.” He added, his voice a little shaky. 

Your face crumpled slightly as you tried to hold back your own tears, but it was impossible. 

“No, hey-” Noah laughed softly, “Don’t cry again.” 

“I can’t help it.” You said, laughing even as your bottom lip wobbled. 

He leaned forwards, pressing his forehead against yours, the both of you smiling stupidly through the tears. You stayed like this for a moment until he slowly pulled back, and then his smile started to fade again. 

Because he remembered. His eyes drifted from your face to the boxes, the empty walls, and you felt your heart sink. You knew exactly where his mind went- he was moving away. He was leaving this life, and you, behind. 

You watched him swallow and then he looked back at you again, and tried to smile, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“I hate this.” He finally said, quietly.

“What?” You asked, your brows furrowed. 

He laughed softly, though it sounded sad. 

“You’re here telling me you love me and you trust me…” he shook his head, “And I’m leaving at the end of the month.” 

He looked away then, and for a moment it was silent between you two.

“I’ve never wanted to stay somewhere before, not for anyone… but then this happened, you happened.” He said with another weak laugh, “I finally get everything I’ve ever wanted… and I’ve gotta leave it all behind-” 

“Noah.” 

He looked at you again, and you reached up, taking his hands away from your face and holding them tightly between yours.

“This is where I was going with all of this,” you whispered, giving his hands a little squeeze. He looked confused, so you continued. “I knew about this before I came here. Folio told me about the move, and he told me you were going to ask me to come with you before everything blew up between us…” You felt nervous now, nervous that he’d turn you down, but you kept going anyway. “I know it sounds reckless, and I know it probably seems like I haven’t thought about it properly-”

“Babe-”

“No, let me finish.” You said, looking right into his eyes. “If you still want me, if you still want us… then take me with you.”

For a moment, Noah didn’t move. He didn’t blink, he didn’t breathe, he just stared at you. You suddenly felt your stomach drop. Oh god, you’ve only just fixed things, maybe this was too much, maybe you-

“What?” Noah asked, still staring at you like he’d just imagined it. 

You swallowed hard, holding his hands even tighter. 

“What would I have left here without you, Noah? Steve’s… gone. Linda’s moving- the shop was going to be handed to me, but they’ve got two sons, one of them could have it… but I've also been thinking about selling it-”

“You can’t,” Noah shook his head, “That place has been owned by your family for years.”

You took another breath, trying to keep yourself composed. 

“I spoke to Glenn, just after Steve passed. I don’t know if you remember him, he was good friends with my uncle, he’d bring his car in sometimes even though there was nothing wrong with it, just to talk to him. He told me he’d take over if I ever needed it, if one day an opportunity came up. He said the only thing Steve’s ever wanted is to see me happy, to live my life with no regrets… he never wanted me to work there forever.”

Noah nodded his head, his eyes softening.

“Since everything happened, and since losing him, this town just doesn’t feel like home anymore.” You said softly. “It feels like my past… and ever since meeting you, every time I picture my future, you’re always there.” Your eyes lifted back to his. “It’s always you.”

You watched as every overwhelming emotion crossed his face- love and joy and affection- you could see it all in his eyes. 

“Baby…” He whispered, and you laughed shakily through fresh tears.

“I know it’s terrifying,” you admitted. “And yeah, maybe everyone’s gonna think I’m insane for following my boyfriend to LA after all of this-”

“Boyfriend…?” 

Your watery eyes met his again.

“Well…” you smiled shyly. “Unless you don’t wanna be?”

The silence between you only lasted a couple seconds, and it wasn’t from hesitation, it was pure awe. 

“Are you kidding?” He asked, suddenly lost for words, “Baby, of course… why would I say no…?”

You didn’t get to say anything before he pulled you into another kiss, kissing you so suddenly that it stole your breath, that your heart fluttered as you felt every word he couldn’t say. 

And when he pulled back, he gave you a proper smile, one you hadn’t seen in what felt like forever. 

“You’re serious about this? You really wanna come with me?”

You nodded your head. 

“I do.” 

“You’d really leave all this behind and move to a city you’ve never even seen before.” 

“Yeah.” You said simply. 

“You’d live in some shitty apartment with me? You’d really move in… with me?”

You nodded again. 

“I’ve learnt to put up with you over these months, it can’t be that bad.” You chuckled, making him laugh. 

“Shit… okay…” He grinned, then he pressed his forehead against yours like he couldn’t even stand the few inches of distance between you. “We’re really doing this.” 

You pressed a soft kiss to his lips. 

“Looks like we are.” You said, smiling against his mouth. 

Noah let out a shaky breath and kissed you again, but slower this time. His lips moved so gently against yours, like he was taking the time to memorise you all over again after all this time apart. His hand slid up to cradle the back of your head, his fingers gently threading through your hair as the kiss deepened. 

When he pulled back enough to look at you, his eyes weren’t dark or hungry, they were soft and full of such love and wonder. He gave you a look that silently asked for your permission, and as soon as you nodded, he reached for the hem of your top, gently lifting it over your head- then you did the same with his, letting your palms rest against his warm chest, feeling his heart beating fast beneath your fingers. 

There was no rush at all, he kissed every inch of your face- your forehead, your temple, the tip of your nose, the corner of your mouth, then he found your lips again. His hands gently explored your bare skin like it was the first time all over again. The tips of his fingers traced your spine, your ribs, the curve of your waist… and it wasn’t long before the two of you lost the rest of your clothes, then he laid you down on his bed. 

He settled between your legs, touching you with one hand while the other held himself up above you, looking at you with so much love it made your chest hurt. You let out a soft sound as his finger circled your clit, your hands reaching up to cup his face again, pulling him down into another kiss. 

“I can’t believe you’re really mine again.” He whispered when he pulled back for air, his nose brushing against yours. 

“I’m yours.” You breathed against his lips, “I’ve always been yours.”

With that, Noah kissed you again, deeper this time, and carefully lined himself up with you. He made sure to be extra careful as it had been a while since you were last in bed together. He slowlyand gently pushed inside you until he was buried to the hilt. Then he stilled, and the both of you let out a soft shaky sound. 

You wrapped your arms and legs around him, holding him as close as possible. You both stayed like this for a long moment, just holding each other, completely connected, your foreheads pressed together, breathing in the same air. 

When he finally started to move, he gave you slow, deep thrusts that let you feel every inch of him. Every movement was gentle, full of love and tenderness. He buried his face in your neck, pressing soft, open mouthed kisses against your skin as he moved inside you. 

“I love you,” he whispered between kisses, “So much…”

Tears began to fill your eyes again as you clung to him, your fingers gently running through his hair.

“I love you too,” you breathed, your voice trembling with emotion, “I missed you so much…”

He kept the pace slow the entire time, rocking into you with long, deep strokes. He had one hand between your bodies, stroking your clit, while your nails dragged down his back, leaving faint red lines across his skin. He shivered at the feeling. 

Your lips found his again, catching his bottom lip between your teeth for a moment before soothing it by kissing him even deeper. You don’t think he has ever been so soft and gentle with you, the thought of it not only made your heart squeeze, but your walls clenched around him too. 

“I’m close,” he pulled back to whisper, his face glowing with a sheen of sweat, “Are you?”

You nodded, your lips brushing his. 

“Yeah I’m with you… just like this.”

He kept the same slow, loving pace, kissing you deeply as the pleasure started to build. Your fingers tugged at his hair. A soft, trembling moan left your lips as you came, your body tightening around him in gentle pulses. Noah followed right after, burying his face in your neck again with a quiet, broken sound as he spilled inside you.

Neither of you moved too quickly after, you just held each other. Noah stayed buried deep inside you, arms wrapped around your body as he pressed soft kisses to your neck, your shoulder, your jaw. 

He finally lifted his head to look at you, his eyes soft and full of love. Without a word, he kissed your lips again, slow and sweet.

“I’ve got you,” he whispered, brushing damp hair from your forehead. “I’m right here.”

You smiled, tired and glowing, and pulled him back down so his head rested on your bare chest. Your fingers continued running through his hair as your heartbeats slowly settled together.

Noah pressed another kiss right over your heart, then nuzzled closer, wrapping himself around you like he never wanted to let go.

“Stay with me tonight,” he mumbled sleepily against your skin. “Stay with me every night.”

You kissed the top of his head, holding him tighter.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

…

For the first time in what felt like weeks, you woke up without that horrible heavy feeling in your chest suffocating you, without panic, without grief consuming you the second your eyes opened. Instead, you felt warmth. A whole 6ft 3 of warmth, to be precise. 

You sleepily blinked your eyes open, confused at how something heavy was wrapped around your waist, and something warm was pressed against your back. But then when you felt his slow breaths at the back of your neck, you couldn’t help but smile to yourself. 

The two of you were tangled up, one of his legs were somehow thrown over yours, and his arm was locked around your middle like if he loosened his grip the slightest, he’d lose you again. You just stayed there for a moment, listening to him softly snoring, feeling his chest rise and fall against your back. 

God, you’d missed this. Missed him. 

Slowly, you turned around just enough to look at him. His hair was a mess, falling into his face, his lips were slightly parted as he slept… and for a moment your chest had that funny feeling, because he looked so peaceful, like maybe he’d slept properly for the first time in weeks too. 

You slowly lifted your hand and brushed his hair back from his forehead, pressing a kiss to it. And as you pulled back, he reacted, scrunching his face slightly before he made a sleepy sound.

“Mmph.” 

You couldn’t help but smile. Then he opened one eye, then the other, and for a moment he stared at you sleepily, a confused look spreading across his face as he processed everything. Then suddenly his face softened, and he gave you a sleepy smile.

“...Hi.” His voice was rough with sleep, making your tummy do a fuzzy flip. 

“Hi.” You said as you smiled back. 

He stared at you for another second, then looked around the room, then back at you. Then he smiled big and wide, but buried it in the pillow. 

“What?” You asked with a soft, quiet laugh. 

Somehow, he moved even closer, pulling you closer into him, his arms wrapped tight around you as he pressed a soft kiss to your shoulder. 

“My girlfriend stayed over.” 

You snorted. 

“There he is.” 

“Mm, morning baby.” 

He pressed another kiss to your shoulder, then your neck, then your jaw, then lazily against your lips. You kissed him back, because how could you not, then he smiled against your lips before giving you another kiss. Then another, and another. Small, slow, needy, sleepy kisses… until you smiled into one of them. 

“What?” He asked, pulling back. 

“...Nothing.” You said, though he wasn’t convinced. 

“You better get used to this, baby. When we’re in our own apartment, this is how I’m gonna wake you up every morning.” 

“I woke you up.” You laughed as he kissed you again. 

“Shut up.” He grinned as he kissed you again. 

Then again, and again. Until eventually, you had to pull back because you were starting to giggle. 

“Noah-” 

“Nope.” He said as he kissed you again. 

“Noah-” You giggled, but again, he shut you up with another nope and another kiss. 

He kept doing this until you shoved gently at his chest. 

“Stop!” You said, still laughing, and his face dropped playfully. 

“Stop kissing you? You want me, your boyfriend, to stop kissing you, my girlfriend?”

“Yes!” You giggled. 

“But why?” He asked, putting on a sad face that made him look like a little puppy. 

“Because you’re being annoying!” You grinned despite yourself, and he innocently rested his chin on your shoulder. 

“Babe?”

“Hm?”

“Say it again.” 

“...Say what again? That you annoy me?” You laughed. 

“No… that thing you said yesterday. What you called me.”

You stared at him. 

“No.” 

“Baby-”

“No.” 

“Baaabe.”

“Noah.” 

“Please?”

You rolled your eyes. 

“Oh my god,” you groaned as you finally sat up. “Boyfriend? You want me to call you my boyfriend?”

He grinned wide, and it melted your heart, because you had been terrified you’d never see that smile again. Then his arms wrapped around you again as he kissed your cheek. 

“Mmhm. That hit the spot.” 

You let out a sigh as you rested your head on his chest, and tilted your head up to look at him. 

“Y’know, I was thinking…” 

He met your eyes suddenly, his smile softening. 

“About what?”

“I should probably go home soon and start figuring everything out… packing and calling people.” 

“Yeah?”

You nodded your head. 

“I just don’t even know where to start.” 

Noah looked at you quietly for a moment, before nuzzling his face into your hair, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. 

“I’ll help you, baby. You won’t have to do it alone,” his hand gently stroked up and down your arm, “I’ll be with you every step, okay?”

You nodded your head. He always knew just how to make you feel safe and reassured, even when you hated asking for help. 

“Thank you.” You said quietly. 

“No problem.” He said with a smile. “...I’ve gotta pee.” 

You stared at him, your expression blank. Trust him to ruin the moment. 

“Noah!” You groaned. 

“What?” He laughed, already sitting up, “I’m being honest, babe.” 

“Mm.” You grumbled, but he gave you one last kiss before stumbling sleepily out of bed in nothing but his boxers, and disappeared out of the bedroom. 

And you couldn’t help the smile that spread across your face after he left. 

… 

A little while later you found yourselves in the bathroom together, brushing your teeth- mostly because Noah refused to let you out of his sight. His exact words had been “I’ve only had my girlfriend back for like… twelve hours.”

So now you were standing beside him at the sink while he brushed his teeth, watching him in the mirror. He caught you staring almost immediately, and he lifted an eyebrow, his mouth still full of toothpaste as he made a noise.

“…Mph?”

You rolled your eyes.

“Nothing.”

He narrowed his eyes and pointed at you with his toothbrush. 

“Mmphmm.”

“Noah, I have no idea what you’re saying.”

He spat into the sink.

“I said,” he grinned, “You got a staring problem?”

“Pfft, as if.” 

He nodded like he didn’t believe you for a second. 

“You think I’m hot first thing in the morning, huh? You missed all of this?” He gestured to himself.

“You’re so annoying.” You scoffed.

And of course, he wouldn’t let you out of his sight when you were in the shower either, insisting you do it together. It felt nice, the two washed each other's hair, and then Noah started singing badly to purposely annoy you. And of course, it worked. 

“What’s up with you this morning?” You asked as you hesitantly reached for his 5-in-1 shower gel, since you made him give all your stuff back a while ago now.

He shrugged. 

“I’m just happy,” he said simply, “I’ve missed you.” 

And the smile he gave you made it impossible to stay annoyed at him, so you smiled back, before pulling him down into a kiss. 

“I’ve missed you too.” 

About an hour later you were both dressed and downstairs. Noah had made coffee, and was gathering his spare boxes from the house so you could start packing. 

You stared at them, the pile of flat boxes piling up on the couch. 

“You got so many.” You said as he threw another onto the pile. 

“I bought all of these back when I was planning to ask you to come with me, so I made sure I got enough.” He explained, and for some reason that hurt a little. 

He was going to have all these spare boxes- 

Suddenly his arm slipped around your shoulders and he pressed a kiss to your temple, as if he could sense the change in your mood. 

“Hey, no more sad face.” He told you, making you grin. 

…

By the time you got back to your place, Noah was taking this a lot more seriously than you expected him to, which really surprised you. You expected him to come in, throw your shit into boxes, forget the important things and somehow lose his phone halfway through. 

Instead he sat cross legged on your living room floor with a notebook in his lap. You sat beside him, hugging your knees as he clicked the end of a pen. 

“Okay.” He said, nodding seriously as he began to write on the page, “Things y/n is not allowed to stress about.” 

“…What?”

He ignored you.

“House.” Scribble scribble. “You rent this place, right?”

You nodded.

“Do you pay rent monthly.”

“Yeah… how much notice am I gonna have to give?”

“Uhh probably a month minimum? Maybe give your landlord a call-”

“Landlady,” you said proudly, “Her names Maxine, and she likes me so I’m hoping she’ll be okay with it.” 

“Okay, that's good.” His hand found your knee, “What about work? The shop?”

The thought of that hurt more than you wanted it to, and Noah clearly noticed. He looked over at you, his voice softening as he spoke. 

“You said you were thinking about handing it to Glenn?”

You nodded.

“He said he’d take it.”

“Then we call Glenn.”

Your eyes dropped to the notebook.

“…There’s probably loads of paperwork I'd have to do.”

“That’s okay.”

“And legal stuff.”

“We can handle that.”

“And then there’s all Steve’s things and-”

“Baby.” He interrupted.

You looked at him. Noah had put the notebook down now, and he had shuffled closer towards you. He reached up, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. 

“You know what your job is right now? The only thing I'll let you worry about?”

You stared at him quietly.

“What?”

He smiled softly.

“Start packing.”

“What?” Your brows furrowed. “But-”

“I’ll handle everything else.”

“Noah-”

“I’m serious.”

His hand slid into yours, and his thumb brushed over your knuckles as he spoke softly. 

“You’ve just lost one of the most important people in your life, you’ve gone through hell and back this month… let me take care of things for a bit, okay?” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss against your forehead. “I’ve got this, I promise.” 

You frowned, your eyes starting to sting again. 

“Noah…”

He smiled softly.

“Just pack your things, baby. Start with clothes you don’t wear that often, or things in the cupboards you don’t use everyday.” He nudged one of the boxes toward you. “And maybe stop crying on everything or all your stuff’s gonna get wet.”

You let out a weak laugh at that and leaned forwards, giving Noah a kiss before standing up. 

“Fine.”

“Love you!” Noah called out as you left the room. 

“Love you too.” 

…

You stood in your bedroom, the bedroom you have lived in since you got this place three years ago. You still remember the day you moved in, Steve had friends with big vans who helped take all your stuff from his place to here, and you could still remember the look on his face when he left you by yourself on your very first night here. He told you he was proud of you, yet also terrified. Not because you were living alone, he knew for a fact you could handle yourself, you had always been so independent- it just scared him because of how quick you had grown up. 

One minute you were 8 years old and moving in with him and Linda, the next you were 15, working in the shop on the weekends, learning all about the ins and outs of cars. Then you were 18, moving out of what had become your home. Now, you’re almost 22 and about to restart your life without him. You had always imagined this happening- leaving this town- but you never imagined you'd be doing it without his help.

You tried not to get too emotional. You tried not to think about how proud Steve would be, and how relentlessly he’d be teasing you for stupidly breaking up with Noah over a lie, to then deciding to move across the country with him the very same night you got back together. 

You thought about what you’d say to him right now if he was still here. You’d ask him if he thought what you were doing was stupid, and then you heard his voice in your head,

“You gotta take the risk to find out. That’s what life’s all about, kid.” 

Though a tear slid down your cheek, you smiled. He was always right. 

So you started with your drawers, finding random things you forgot you even had. Concert tickets from shows you went to with her. Old birthday cards, because you could never throw them away, random polaroid pictures and photos from the photobooth at the bar Jess worked at. 

You found yourself sitting on the floor with the box beside you, throwing everything in… until you stumbled across something. An old coffee mug you never used with WORLD’S OKAYEST MECHANIC printed across the front.

You smiled softly, then frowned, then smiled sadly. Noah then appeared out of nowhere, stood by your bedroom door, his arms folded over his chest. 

“…What’s that face?”

You held the mug up.

“Steve got me this after I accidentally put diesel in someone’s petrol car.”

Noah stared at you, looking very unimpressed.

“You what?”

“I was seventeen!”

He looked horrified.

“Babe.”

“It was one time, Noah!”

He started laughing, shaking his head. 

“Remind me to never let you take my car to the gas station.” 

You rolled your eyes but you were still smiling.

“Have you packed much?” He asked, sitting on the edge of your bed. 

“Not really,” you sighed, “I keep getting distracted.” 

“You want some help?” He asked softly, and you nodded your head. 

You gave him the task of packing your closet. You grabbed a few things out to set aside so you’d actually have some clothes to wear before the end of the month. While he did that, you tried your best to carry on with the drawers- and just as you got back into it, your phone started buzzing on your bed. 

Noah picked it up, taking a look at the name on the screen. 

“Who is it?” You asked. 

“Jess,” he said, handing it over to you, “You want me to give you some space?”

"It's fine." You shook your head, and answered the call. 

 “Hey.” 

“FINALLY!” You immediately pulled the phone away from your ear.

“What the hell-”

“I’ve been calling you all morning but you haven’t been answering. How did it go?!”

“…What?”

“With Noah!” Jess practically yelled. “Did the two of you make up, or...”

You looked over at Noah, who was trying very hard to make it look like he wasn’t listening, folding a tshirt with a smirk on his face. 

“Yeah… yeah, we did.” 

She was quiet for a moment, until she finally said,

“And?”

You looked up at Noah again, his hair falling into his face while he organised your clothes in the box, and you couldn’t help but smile at his concentration face. Then he looked up for a moment, and when he noticed you looking, he smiled back at you. A small, soft, fond little smile. As if he couldn’t believe you were both here, packing up your room. 

“We talked- a lot actually- and then I stayed at his place last night.”

“Oh my god!!” She squealed, “So the two of you are back together?”

You smiled even wider, unable to stop it. 

“Yeah, we are. Properly this time.” 

She gasped. 

“He asked you to be his girlfriend.” 

“Well,” you said, “I kinda asked him to be my boyfriend.” 

Jess squealed again, unable to contain her excitement. 

“Oh, I’m so happy for you!” She said, and you could hear the pure joy in her voice, “And uh… I thought I should let you know I paid Maya a visit last night.” 

You swallowed. 

“Yeah?... what happened?”

“Well…” she said, “Nothing bad.”

“Jess.”

“I might’ve yelled a little.”

“…Just a little?”

“And maybe Sam had to get between us because I was about to do something stupid…”

Your eyes widened.

“Oh my god.”

“Relax! I didn’t kill her!” She laughed again, before adding under her breath, “Sam didn't give me the chance.”

You couldn’t help but laugh. 

“So what exactly did you do?”

Jess sighed dramatically.

“I just told her exactly what I thought.”

“What did you say?”

“Oh, y’know… I just asked her what you did for her to hurt you like that. She had no answer, so I asked her if it’s because she’s jealous, and I seemed to hit a nerve there.”

You scoffed, but she carried on. 

“We argued for like twenty minutes until she fucking slapped me. And I wasn’t gonna let that bitch think she can do that… there was a pretty much empty bottle of wine on her coffee table, so I grabbed that, then-”

You gasped, your hand covering your mouth.

“You didn’t!” 

“I couldn’t,” she scoffed, “That was when Sam stepped in, he told me she wasn’t worth it. Then he dragged me back to the car.”

For a moment, you processed everything she had said, knowing she did that for you. 

For as long as you’ve known her, Jess has always had your back- whether you were in the right or wrong. She had been there for you when nobody else has- during everything with Noah, losing Steve, nights where you had convinced yourself you were alone, that everyone eventually leaves and all you could rely on was yourself… 

It suddenly hit you, that you had never actually been alone. 

“Hey, you still there?” She asked over the phone. 

“Oh,” you suddenly laughed, quickly wiping under your eyes, “Yeah… sorry.” 

“...Are you crying?”

“No.” You said, though your sniffle gave you away.

“It sounds like it-”

“I’m not crying.” You insisted, and across the room Noah looked up immediately, his brows pulling together. 

You gave him a little smile and shook your head as if to say I’m okay, though he looked unconvinced.

“I’ll be right back.” You told Noah as you stood up.

“Everything okay?” He asked softly, and you nodded your head. 

“Yeah…” you smiled, “I’ll be two seconds.” 

He watched you carefully for a moment, like he was trying to read you, but he gave you a little smile nonetheless. 

“Okay, baby.” 

Baby. It’s funny how after all this time, your stomach still felt all warm and fuzzy every time he said it. 

You walked out into the hallway, pulling your bedroom door closed behind you before wandering down the stairs, and when you reached the living room you let out a long sigh. 

On the other end of the phone, Jess was explaining something to Sam, and you were grateful for the timing. You sat down on the couch, looking at the wall opposite you for a moment… at the framed picture standing up in your bookshelf. It was a picture of you and Steve, one Linda took when you all went on vacation almost ten years ago. It hurt to look at now, but despite the ache, your heart warmed at Steve’s grin. 

It made you think- if six months ago someone had told you that after losing Steve, after losing one of your best friends, after losing absolutely everything that felt comforting and familiar, you’d be trying to work out how to tell your one remaining best friend that you were about to move across the country with Noah the mechanic… you would’ve laughed in their face. 

“Sorry about that,” Jess said with a little laugh, “Sam didn’t know how to work the new dishwasher.”

You let out a small breath of a laugh, then swallowed. 

“Jess… there’s something I need to tell you.” 

“...What is it?”

You chewed on your lip for a moment… figuring out how to break it to her. 

“Did you hear Folio last night? He said Noah’s moving to LA?”

“Oh yeah,” she said, “It’s a good job you found out before-”

“I’m going with him.” You said suddenly… 

And Jess was silent. 

So silent that you actually pulled the phone away to check if either of you had accidentally hung up. 

“Jess?”

“...You’re what?”

“I was just thinking-”

“The two of you only got back together last night!” 

“I know, but… let me explain.” 

“Please do.” She said with a lighthearted laugh. 

You stared at the picture on the shelf again. 

“I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. Only time will tell, but… Steve’s gone,” saying it still hurt, it still felt wrong, “Linda’s moving, I’d rather chew off my own arm than have to think about Maya again… and I know I’ve still got you and Sam, I know I do, but this place doesn’t feel the same anymore. My house doesn’t feel like home, this town just feels like a reminder of it all… and I feel like I’ve got to move on. I feel like it’s my time to leave this place, and hopefully I never look back.” You took a breath, then a little smile tugged at your lips, “And I know no matter what happens, or where I go, or how much we might argue over the stupidest thing… Noah feels more like home than anything I've ever known.” 

On the other end of the line, you heard Jess sniffle. 

“Are you crying?” You asked with a little laugh. 

“Can you blame me?” She asked, not even trying to hide it now. “After that?” 

“Sorry,” you chuckled, “You always knew I wanted to get out of here. And after everything that’s happened, I’ve just realised that life’s too short. If I don’t go now… will I ever?”

Jess went quiet for a moment before sniffling and asking,

“You’re really gonna leave me?” 

“Jess,” you frowned, “It’s not-”

“No no no,” she said quickly, sniffing again, “I’m happy. I’m so fucking happy for you. God, I adore Noah and I love you two together, and if anyone deserves to leave this shitty little town it’s you… but I’m really gonna miss you.”

Oh, that did it. A tear rolled down your cheek, you couldn’t hold them back anymore. Because now you weren’t thinking about Steve or Maya or how much you hated this town… 

You were thinking about summer roadtrips, driving around with the windows down, singing terribly with Jess. Movie nights, coffee runs, shopping trips, sleepovers where the two of you would sit in her room and talk shit and giggle until three in the morning. You used to talk about your futures, how you’d make sure your kids were best friends whether they liked each other or not, how you should be neighbours and raise them together. You thought about how she made a promise when she first started dating Sam that she’d never let him take your place, that you’d always come first… and she never went back on that promise. 

But here you were telling her you’re about to move across the country with a guy you haven’t even known for a year. It made you feel awful.

“I’m sorry…” 

“Don’t apologise!” 

“No,” you sobbed, “I know I’m being selfish and-” 

“Y/n.” She stopped you, “You are my best friend, and you deserve the whole world, and I’m so happy that you’ve got this opportunity. Noah’s proved himself to be worthy of you time and time again, so I’ve got no doubts that he’ll treat you exactly how you should be treated. You’re doing this for you. And sure, I’m going to miss you more than anything… but I’ll still come to visit- fuck, you’ll never get rid of me!” She laughed, “So let yourself be selfish. Let yourself be happy.” 

Those words really stuck with you, and for a moment you couldn’t say anything because suddenly it felt like everything was catching up to you again. But this time it didn’t feel hollow or crushing or panicked, if anything you felt like you were slowly making peace with it. 

“Jess-”

“Oh no.” She said suddenly, “Now we’re both crying!” 

“I’m not crying.” You said, shaking your head. 

“You’re doing the voice.”

“What voice?”

“The little wobbly voice you do before you cry.”

You let out a breathy laugh that betrayed you in an instant, because the second it left your mouth, it broke apart, and came out sounding a little choked. 

You weren’t even entirely sure why you were crying though. 

Maybe because you felt like you were finally giving yourself permission to stop feeling so guilty, to stop holding onto everything so tightly. It felt like you were being given permission to move forwards. 

For a while you’d felt like if you even smiled too much after Steve died, it meant you were leaving him behind. Like if you moved away, you were abandoning him, and if you chose Noah, you were choosing him over everything else.

But maybe you weren’t. Maybe you didn’t have to leave anything behind- the past, Steve, all your happy memories… maybe you just had to carry it with you in your heart, and let yourself move on with the rest of your life without feeling guilty.

Another tear rolled down your cheek, and another and another, until you couldn’t hold it back anymore and you let out a quiet sob. 

“Oh honey…” Jess whispered.

Before you could say anything, you heard the sound of soft footsteps coming down the stairs, and you looked up. Noah was there, carrying the cardboard box that was now full of your clothes… but the moment he met your eyes, concern washed over his face. 

“Baby?” He carefully set the box down on the floor, “What’s wrong?”

God, the poor guy looked terrified. Like he’d just walked in and assumed the worst, like maybe you had changed your mind, or someone else had called with bad news again. But you shook your head, laughing through your tears. 

“Nothing.” You said, though your voice came out a little weak. 

Noah’s eyes widened a little, and he stepped across the room until he crouched down in front of you, his hands finding your face, wiping away your tears with his thumbs. 

“What’s the matter?”

You shook your head again, tears slipping free now.

“Baby, talk to me.”

You let out another little broken laugh and reached for him immediately, your arms wrapping around his neck to pull him close, and your phone dropped down onto the couch beside you. Noah moved you, sitting down on the couch and pulling you closer until you were in his lap, both arms wrapped around him, your face buried into his shoulder, into his neck… and he just held you tighter. 

Then he glanced down at your phone, and put it on speaker. 

“Jess?” He said, his voice sounding concerned again. “Have I missed something?”

“No, everythings fine... they’re happy tears!” She called out. 

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

i can't believe this is almost over :') i have no idea what to do with myself once this comes to an end...

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

Neither of you really slept that night. Noah laid there on his back for hours, staring up at the ceiling in the darkness of his room, replaying every second of the night over and over again- the makeup running down your cheeks, the look on your face, the exact moment he saw your heart shatter to pieces, the way you flinched when he reached for you, the way the door slammed shut behind you. The way you said it so certainly, so final. “We’re done.” 

Before he knew it, his alarm was going off. He assumed he was to go into work as usual…

He dragged a hand over his face, letting out a long sigh as he sat up on the edge of his bed. His chest ached, it felt heavier than it ever had before, and his eyes were sore from the lack of sleep- or was it from the tears?

His phone sat on his bedside table, and he reached for it to silence his alarm. He then picked it up, checking for any messages… but none of them were from you. So he locked it again and set it back down. 

He got up and went by his morning as usual- get in the shower, get dressed, grab keys, leave. But the drive to the shop felt different today, usually you'd be by his side, sat in the passenger seat, or on the phone- speaking to him through his car speakers. But today the drive was silent, though he didn’t notice, because his mind was loud enough to fill the emptiness. 

By the time he pulled into the parking lot, he felt nervous. He wasn’t sure what to expect when he walked in- would you be there waiting for him so you could tell him he’s fired, or have you had time to think and realised you want to give him another chance? 

He parked up, but sat there in his car for a moment. He hadn’t felt this nervous since his first day, when he found out Steve had a beautiful niece who worked in the office. Now he was nervous because he knew he screwed it all up, and he held on to the tiny bit of hope that now you were sober you’d be thinking differently… 

But as he walked through the big door into the workshop, he spotted a box sitting by a stack of tires. He thought nothing of it until he saw his name scribbled across it, written in your handwriting. That’s when his stomach dropped. 

He looked towards your office, the door was half open and he could see you inside, sitting at your desk. He swallowed hard before he slowly started to walk, pushing the door open a little more as he stepped in. 

As soon as he did, you looked up, and for a moment neither of you said anything. 

It was obvious to the both of you that you were feeling the same, that neither of you slept, your eyes were red and swollen, you looked exhausted in a way that had nothing to do with work- and he knew he didn’t look much better. 

He cleared his throat and finally spoke, though his voice was quieter than usual. 

“...Morning.” 

It felt wrong the moment he said it, because it made it feel like everything was normal, like nothing happened, which you both knew was far from the truth. Still, you held his gaze for a moment longer before you looked away, going back to typing out an email. 

“Morning.” You said back, your voice flat and devoid of emotion, which hurt him more than if you were to just ignore him.

Noah stood there awkwardly for a moment, shifting his weight on his feet. 

“...That box out there-”

“It’s your stuff,” you cut in, still not looking at him, “From my place. Everything you had there.”

There was no hesitation, no softness in your voice, you were just straight to the point. He clenched his jaw, nodding his head. 

“Right…” 

Then you were both silent again. You weren’t reading anything, or typing anymore, you were just staring down at your keyboard to avoid looking at him- because you knew you’d crack if you did. 

You’ve never seen him like this. Noah was always too confident for his own good, cocky and arrogant sometimes in the beginning, full of himself, annoying- but right now he looked drained, he looked heartbroken, and you hated it. 

You hated that you still cared. You hated that you couldn’t hate him.

“I didn’t throw anything away.” You added after a moment, your voice a little softer now but still distant enough to make his heart hurt, “I’m not that kind of person… I figured you’d want it all back.” 

Noah swallowed again. 

“Yeah… thank you.” 

You both paused, Noah lingered there in silence, like he knew you both had so much to say, but you were both afraid...

But you did have things to say, and you knew he had to hear it sooner rather than later, so you straightened up in your chair, like you were bracing yourself, and you forced yourself into business mode. Because this is the only reason you’re both here together now. To work. 

“I’ll keep you on for now,” you said, forcing your voice to stay steady despite the lump in your throat, “Until I find someone new.” 

His brows drew together slightly. 

“What?”

You finally looked back up at him and he hated it, there was nothing soft left in your expression at all. There was no warmth, that look of pure love had completely vanished overnight. And to be honest, he couldn’t blame you. This is what he deserved. 

“I need a mechanic,” you said simply, “I can’t run the shop on my own.” 

“So what, I just stay until you can replace me?” He asked, his chest tightening as he thought about it. 

“Yes.” You said, no apology, no hesitation, no putting it nicely. Just the truth. 

“...And then what?” He asked.

“Then you’re out. And I never have any reason to speak- or even look- at you again.” 

That hit him right where it hurts. He took a slow, deep breath before nodding his head slightly. 

“Right.” He said as he exhaled, and then you looked back down at your desk again, like the conversation was done. 

At least it was for you, but he didn’t move. There were too many things sitting on his chest, too many words he wanted to say last night-

“You didn’t even let me explain- last night, I mean.” 

Your hands paused over your keyboard for a second, before they continued moving again. 

“There’s nothing to explain.” 

“Yes there is,” he insisted, stepping forward slightly, “You only heard one side of it, you only heard what you wanted to hear and things were probably twisted-”

“Don’t.” You warned, your voice sharp as you looked up at him again. “Don’t make it sound like this is on me, Noah.” 

“It is on you, you didn’t even-”

“You said yes.” You cut him off, your voice raising despite how hard you tried to keep calm, “I asked if it was true and you said yes. I can’t be with someone who can… who can do that to me. So this is it. I will not be treated like that.” 

He stared at you, feeling his heart shatter more and more. 

“So this is it?” He asked, his voice rougher now, “We're over? After everything?”

You let out a weak, humourless laugh as you shook your head. 

“That’s the problem, Noah.” You sighed, “I thought it was everything too. It seems you thought otherwise.” 

You saw the way his lips pressed together as if to stop them from trembling, and that was almost enough to break you. 

“I’ve got things to do,” you said coldly, “If you’re working today then there’s a car booked in at eleven, the brakes need looking at.”

His heart ached at the way you spoke to him, like this was normal, like he was nothing more than an employee. And he stood there for a moment longer, just waiting for something, for anything… but you didn’t look at him again, so eventually he turned and walked out of your office. 

And the second the door softly clicked shut behind him was when you broke down. It hit you all at once, and the professional act you had to put on like a mask slipped. Your hand flew up to your mouth as you choked on a sob, tears blurred your vision as they finally spilled over again, too fast to wipe away. Your chest ached so much that it hurt to even breathe. 

You’re such an idiot, you thought to yourself as you squeezed your eyes shut, shaking your head like you could push it all away, like you could undo it all. Like you could go back to yesterday morning, and tell the girls you weren’t feeling well, anything to remain blissfully unaware. 

But you couldn’t. Because it happened now, you found out and he even confirmed it. 

All along, it had meant nothing. 

You weren’t supposed to be like this, you weren’t supposed to let someone else make you feel this way. You weren’t supposed to need anyone. You built your life so you wouldn’t have to rely on anyone else, but then he came along and changed it all… now you couldn’t imagine living the rest of your life without him. 

And you hated that you couldn’t shut it off. That you couldn’t stop caring, you couldn’t stop loving him.

You hated that you wanted him to try harder, to walk back through the door and fix it. 

…

It was finally time for you to take your lunch break, and you hadn’t spoken to Noah again. Not properly at least, a few customers came in and you had to call his name, but that’s as far as it went. 

You managed to distract yourself with work though, invoices and emails and phone calls, but every time you heard a tool drop, every time you saw his shadow, every time he spoke to a customer, your heart ached. 

But you closed your laptop, you stood up, grabbed your keys, and walked out of the office. Though, instead of leaving through the front door, you passed straight by him in the garage.

You could feel his eyes on you, but you didn’t stop or slow down. 

“I’m going on lunch,” you said flatly as you walked past, “If the phone rings please answer it.”

“Yeah, of course.” He said. But that was it. 

You didn’t give him the chance to say anything else, because then you were out the door, already walking around to the back where your car was parked. 

You walked straight up to it, your hands shaking slightly as you fumbled with your keys before finally getting inside.

The second the car door shut, you finally let yourself breathe. Your head fell back against the seat, your eyes squeezing shut as you let out a long, shaky breath.

“Okay…” You whispered to yourself.

You managed to last all morning. You held it together all morning. But now you needed to let it out.

You grabbed your phone and scrolled through your contacts until you found Jess. You didn’t even think before pressing the call button, and it only ran twice before she picked up. 

“Hey…” Jess answered, her voice immediately concerned. “Are you okay? I didn’t hear from you after you left last night, I don’t know how many times I texted you-“

“It’s true.” 

You were met with silence on her end.

“…What?” Jess finally asked, her voice a little quieter now.

“It’s true,” you repeated. “What she said. About Noah.”

Jess went quiet again for a moment.

“What the fuck?” She finally said, completely thrown. “I thought Maya was just- I thought she was making shit up!”

“Me too,” you whispered, swallowing hard. “I thought she was lying, I thought- but I went to his place last night and I asked him and he… he said it’s true.”

A heavy silence followed, then Jess exhaled slowly.

“No…” she whispered. “No, that doesn’t sound right. That doesn’t sound like him.”

“He said it,” you insisted. “I asked if it was true and he said yes!!”

“But that doesn’t make sense,” Jess said, more to herself now. “The way he is with you-“

“I know!” You cut in. “I don’t know what’s real anymore, Jess! I don’t know if any of it was ever real!” Your chest ached again, and tears started to blur your vision. “I never wanted to get into something like this and I did it anyway because I thought- I thought he was different-“

“I know,” Jess said softly. “I know…“

“And he even said he loved me,” your voice dropped, quieter now but somehow more broken. “I said it first… but he said it back. I believed it…”

Jess didn’t interrupt you or try to come up with a solution, she was just letting you let it all out. She knew you just needed someone who’d listen. 

“And now I don’t even know if that was real.” You whispered. “How can I believe anyone ever again?” Your hand came up to cover your mouth as another sob slipped out.

“…What exactly did you say to him last night?” Jess asked carefully.

“I don’t remember much of it, but I asked him if what Maya said was true,” you replied, your voice shaky. “And he just- he didn’t even hesitate, Jess. He just said yeah. And that he was sorry and it wasn’t meant to happen the way it did and…” you let out a weak and broken laugh, “What am I supposed to think?”

Jess went quiet again.

“…He said it wasn’t meant to happen the way it did?” She repeated slowly.

“Yeah.”

She went quiet again, but for longer this time, like she was thinking. 

“Thats weird…”

Your stomach turned. 

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know,” she said, sounding a little uncertain. “That just… doesn’t sound like an answer to that question.”

You frowned slightly, confusion slipping through the hurt.

“What?”

“I mean… if you asked him if he only wanted to sleep with you to be your first, why would he say ‘it wasn’t meant to happen the way it did’?” Jess said. “That sounds like he’s talking about something else. Surely if he just wanted to get in your pants, that’s exactly what he wanted to happen., and it worked out just fine.”

“What are you saying?”

“I don’t know,” she said quickly. “I’m just… I’m saying maybe there’s been some kind of misunderstanding?”

“No,” you cut in immediately, shaking your head even though she couldn’t see you. “No, Jess, there’s no misunderstanding. He said yes.”

“But you don’t know-“

“He said it,” you repeated firmer, even as your voice trembled. “I heard him. He said it to my face.”

Jess sighed softly.

“Okay… okay,” she said gently. “I’m just saying, maybe don’t shut down on him completely yet. Just… maybe talk to him again when you’re calmer-“

“I can’t,” you whispered. “I can’t talk to him or I know what'll happen. I’ll give in. And I don't want him to think I'm just like all the other girls he's been with. I won't let him think I'll just put up with this shit.”

Jess began to speak again, but you weren’t listening… because your phone buzzed as you held it to your ear. You pulled it away slightly, glancing down at the screen.

New message from Aunt Linda❤️ 

Your stomach dropped instantly.

“Uh… hang on a second.”

You opened the message.

Hi darling, just wanted to let you know they’ve scheduled Steve’s heart surgery for Friday. He’s acting like it’s no big deal, of course… but I thought you should know. I’ll keep you up to date with everything x

You felt your heart sink, your whole body suddenly went ice cold.

“…Oh my god.” You whispered.

“What?” Jess’s voice came through quickly. “What is it?”

You swallowed hard, your chest tightening all over again, but this time it felt different. It was less upsetting, more terrifying. 

“It’s Linda,” you said quietly. “She said Steve- he’s going in for surgery... next week.”

Jess inhaled sharply.

“Oh shit…”

Your head fell back against the seat again, your eyes closing as everything hit you at once.

What the fuck did you do to deserve all of this?

“I can’t do this,” you whispered, your voice breaking all over again. “I actually can’t do this, Jess.”

“You can,” she said softly. “You can. You don’t have to deal with everything alone, or at once, okay? Just deal with one thing at a time-”

“How?” You cried, “How the fuck do I even begin to deal with this?!” 

… 

Your break felt like it passed in just a couple minutes, rather than an hour. When it was time to go back to work, you didn’t want to move. But you knew you had to. 

So you got out of the car and walked towards the building again, walking in through the door into your office, but as you stepped inside you stopped. Because Noah was there, standing by the small counter in the corner, using the coffee machine. 

Part of you wanted to turn around and leave… but you didn’t. 

You quietly stepped in, wiping at your cheeks, hoping it didn’t look like you spent your break crying in your car. But as the door shut behind you, Noah turned around, and the second his eyes landed on you his face softened. 

“…Are you okay?” He asked carefully.

God, you didn’t want to cry in front of him, so you pressed your lips together, sealing them shut as you shook your head. 

He picked up his coffee mug with a little frown as he carefully stepped around your desk. All he wanted to do was reach for you, hold you in his arms, kiss you- but he knew he wasn’t allowed to anymore. 

“I-” he hesitated, then tried again, quieter. “I got a text from Linda.”

Your eyes lifted up to him for a second. 

“She said Steve’s surgery's scheduled,” he said gently, “It’s next week.”

You nodded slowly, feeling your throat burn. 

“Yeah,” you managed, your voice small. “She texted me too.”

Silence settled between you, but this time it was different. You both stood there, both holding back from wrapping your arms around each other, both hurting. 

He shifted his weight on his feet, taking a sip of his coffee, his eyes not leaving your face. He was trying to read you, trying to work out what was going on in your head, because he hated seeing you like this and it was even worse knowing there was nothing he could do to help. 

“I know this is a lot,” he said quietly. “And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. You don’t deserve any of this.”

For fucks sake Noah.

Your hand came up, pressing against your lips like you could physically hold everything in, because you felt it all building up again. It was too much, especially all at once. You felt your chest ache, the lump in your throat was back- and Noah noticed it all. 

Without thinking, he took a step forward, but then stopped when he remembered. Instead, he let out a soft sigh. 

“I know you hate me right now,” he said softly, “And you have every reason to, but I need you to know I’m here for you. Whether we’re on good or bad terms, whether you want me or not, I will always be here, okay?”

Your eyes squeezed shut for a second, because you did want him. And that was the problem. 

But you couldn’t give in, after everything, you wouldn’t let yourself. So you just nodded, not trusting yourself to speak, and he understood. Or at least he understood enough, as he didn’t push. He didn’t move closer or force you to say anything or try to fix it. 

He just stood there, close enough to be there but still far enough to respect your boundaries. 

It made him feel sick knowing the person he loved more than anyone or anything was hurting, and that it was mostly his fault. He hated that you were holding yourself together by threads, that you wouldn’t even look at him properly anymore.

But he didn’t allow himself to be selfish right now, he didn’t let himself make it about him, he just wanted to be there for you through your uncle’s surgery, especially after Steve had told him to look after you.

“If anything happens I need to know she’s in safe hands.” 

But now he’s fucked it all up. And he couldn’t fix it.

He exhaled slowly, running a hand through his hair before slipping his red beanie back on. 

“I’ll… be out there.” He said quietly.

But you shook your head. 

“Go on your lunch break.” You said as you sat down at your desk, opening your laptop back up again so you didn’t have to look at him. 

“But it’s not-”

“It’s fine, Noah. The next customers booked in at 2.”

He nodded his head and took the final sip of his coffee before reaching for his keys and jacket. 

“I won’t be long.” He said, not expecting a response. 

And with that, he left. 

…

During his break, Noah decided to drive to one of the small shops not far from work. It was near the restaurant that Maya worked in, and he made sure to poke his head in to see if she was working today… but she was nowhere to be seen. In a way he was glad, because he wasn’t sure how kind or patient he was feeling today. 

So then he headed into the little store, he grabbed a sandwich and a bag of gummy bears before his eyes caught on a pretty bouquet of flowers, like the ones he bought you for Valentines’ Day. 

He stared at them for a moment, debating whether he should or not… he didn’t have much money, only the coins that were in his jacket pocket. But he didn’t care. He’d put back the sandwich if he had to. 

He picked up the flowers and handed the items over to pay, counting the coins from his pocket- thank god he just had enough. 

He knew he couldn’t make up for everything with a cheap bouquet, it wouldn’t even scratch the surface of everything that was wrong, but he didn’t know what else he could do. He couldn’t fix this with words right now, because you didn’t want to listen. But maybe this- something small, a little quiet gesture- would show you that he wanted to fix this. He didn’t want to let you go, and he’d spend the rest of his life apologising if it meant you’d even think about giving him another chance. 

By the time he got back to work, his chest still felt heavy, and he wondered whether this was a good idea, or if it’d actually make things worse… anyway, he walked in through the garage door, and peered into your office. He couldn’t see you… good! 

He made sure to move quickly, 

He stepped inside, glancing around your office- your desk looked just how it did earlier, papers scattered, your pen resting off to the side, your mug of tea half finished… but then he saw that you still had the little picture of him on your desk. The silly one you took when he showed you the polaroid camera he’d bought- he thought it’d be hilarious to take fake mugshots of each other, so his one sat on your desk, and yours was on his desk in his bedroom.

He hesitated for a moment by your desk, he assumed you were in the bathroom right now so you could come out at any moment and see him there, standing by your desk holding a bouquet of flowers. 

So he moved quickly. He set them down gently on your desk, his heart aching as his eyes lingered on them for a second before he turned and walked away, leaving your office just as quietly as he came in. 

By the time you came back he was back in the workshop. You didn’t even spot the flowers at first, not until you sat down. 

They looked like they had been carefully placed, like whoever had left then didn’t want to make a big deal of it. 

Your stomach twisted, because you knew exactly who bought them. Nobody else would, no one else had a reason to- nobody else knew those were your favourite flowers. 

You tried so hard to force your mind to stay exactly where it was, to not go there, to not let the thoughts creep in. But they did anyway. 

If what Maya said was true… then why would he still be trying?

You chewed your lip as you thought, staring at the flowers as your chest started to rise and fall slower, heavier. 

It didn’t make sense. 

If it had all been some kind of game to him- something shallow and meaningless like she was making it out to be- then what’s this? A quiet gesture with no audience, no way of knowing how you’d react… just flowers on your desk. 

Your throat tightened as Jess’s voice echoed in the back of your mind.

“Maybe there’s been some kind of misunderstanding…”

You shook your head quickly, like you could physically push the thought away.

No. You weren’t doing this. You weren’t about to sit here and start doubting everything just because of a bouquet. He probably felt bad- he probably just wants to keep his job. Yeah, that was it… that’s what this is about!

But a part of you wanted to believe otherwise. 

With a long sigh, you pushed your chair back just a little so you could get back up. You knew there was a vase tucked in the back of the cupboard- a customer had bought you flowers years ago when he found out it was your birthday, and when Steve told Linda she immediately drove over with a vase so you could put them on your desk- so you moved things around and eventually found it. 

You crossed the room with the vase in your hands, washing it out before filling it with water from the sink before reaching for the flowers. You remembered what Linda taught you that afternoon, and you cut the stems at an angle before placing them inside. 

You didn’t let yourself think about how he must’ve gone out of his way to get them for you, how you knew he didn't have much money left right now, how he didn’t even make a point to let you know he got them. You just set the vase down on your desk and stepped back. 

You looked at them for a moment- they sure were pretty- but then you looked away. Because if you stared at them for too long, you might start thinking again. And you couldn’t do that right now. 

You sat back down, pulling the papers toward you again, forcing your attention onto work, numbers, time slots- anything that wasn’t Noah. 

And even though you tried, your eyes still drifted back to the flowers every now and then.

…

The rest of the day was painfully slow. Every hour dragged, every minute stretched longer than it should have, at one point you thought today would never end. 

You kept your head down the entire afternoon, burying yourself in anything that resembled work, anything that gave you an excuse not to think. But it didn’t matter, because nothing really distracted you. 

By the time things started winding down, the sky outside was growing darker and darker, you were still pretending to be busy. But then you heard the sound of the toolbox shutting, and the thud of his work boots on the concrete ground until he stopped just outside the office door. 

Then there was a soft knock, making your heart jump. 

“Yeah?” You called out, then the door began to open. 

Noah quietly stepped inside, like he was trying not to take up too much space. He reached for his jacket and slung it over one arm as he grabbed his keys, like he’d come in for exactly that and nothing more.

But he didn’t leave straight away like you were starting to think he would. His eyes found you first, and then the flowers. You saw the way his expression changed, how he almost looked surprised that you kept them… but he didn’t say anything, he didn’t ask or point it out. He just looked back over at you. 

And then the air between you felt heavier again.

“I just…” He started, then stopped, like he was trying to find the right way to say what he wanted to say.

You stayed still, watching him and waiting, not helping him out. 

“Can we please just talk?” He asked finally.

There it was. You’ve been waiting for this for the last hour, you’ve been dreading it. As much as you wanted him to tell you “his side”, you didn’t want to risk it when you knew how easily you’d give in. Even though you had so many questions, even though the whole situation confused you, you let out a soft exhale. 

“There’s nothing to talk about.” You said softly, almost apologetic. 

You saw the slight change in his posture, the way his jaw tightened just a little, like he was trying not to react too quickly.

“There is.” He said quietly.

You shook your head.

“Noah-”

“Just hear me out,” he cut in, stepping forward slightly. “That’s all I’m asking. You don’t have to forgive me, you don’t have to do anything. Just let me explain, please.”

Your stomach twisted, because a part of you wanted to say yes, but then again… he said it. Your jaw clenched as you looked up at him again, your expression hardening just slightly.

“You already did.”

His brows pulled together.

“What?”

“You said it was true. There’s nothing more to explain, Noah. I’m not going to go round in circles again.”

Frustration crossed his face as he shook his head. 

“But it’s… it’s not what you think. Maya-”

“Then what is it?” You shot back, your voice rising now despite yourself. “Because it sounded pretty clear to me.”

He stepped closer again, more urgent now.

“You didn’t let me finish.”

“I didn’t need you to,” you replied immediately. “You said enough.”

He stared at you like he didn’t recognise the person in front of him. Like he didn’t understand how things had gotten here when just 48 hours ago your limbs were tangled together, wrapped up in his sheets, holding each other like you were all you needed. 

“…Please,” he said again, quieter this time. “Just give me five minutes.”

You swallowed hard as you looked away, because if you kept looking at him like that you might just break. And you couldn’t, not now. Not after you’d stood your ground all day. 

“There’s nothing to fix,” you said, softer now, but no less firm. “It’s done, Noah. You can go back to your groupies now, you can tell all the other girls that-”

“I don’t want anyone else.” He said, “I know I’ve fucked up, and I-”

“Fucked up?” You scoffed, “Is that all you think this is. You fucked up, you think an apology and some shitty flowers are gonna fix this?”

Noah didn’t argue this time. You could tell that hurt him, he just stood there for a moment like he was trying to decide whether to keep pushing or finally let go… and finally, he nodded his head once, slipping his arms into his jacket. 

“…Right,” he said under his breath. “Okay.” 

But just before he could leave, you spoke again, because there was one more thing.

“Can you do me a favour?”

He looked up at you again, a flicker of what looked like hope crossing his face at the fact that you were still talking.

“Yeah…?” 

You swallowed, looking up to meet his eyes. 

“Can you give me my stuff back?” You asked. “From your place.”

His expression faltered a little. 

“What?”

“My things,” you clarified. “Whatever I left at your place?"

He felt his heart get crushed again, because he knew what this meant. This wasn’t just about having your stuff back, it was about closing the door properly. Making sure there wasn’t any reason to speak again once he was replaced at work. 

His gaze dropped for a second before lifting back to you.

“Sure.” He said finally, his voice quiet and flat. “I’ll drop it off tomorrow.”

Your chest ached, but you nodded anyway.

“Thanks.”

He didn’t say anything else, he didn’t try again or push, he just stood there for one last second, like he was waiting for something… but then he turned and reached for the door. Then he walked out, and you didn’t stop him. 

…

By the time you got home, you didn’t want to be alone. Being at home didn’t feel right without him, you had gotten so used to his presence, every room now had memories that you tried so hard to push down, but the whole place just felt different. It’s almost like it didn’t feel like home anymore. 

So you finally send an answer to Jess’s text that she sent earlier. 

Jess: It’s date night tonight, I’m going out with Sam but we’re stealing you. No arguments x

You: Sorry it’s been a long day, I’ll explain whilst we’re out 

Jess: So you’re coming with us? :)

You: Well you said no arguments…

Jess: YAY!! 

You didn’t have the energy to look put together, and you didn’t feel like you had a reason to either. You just changed into a nicer outfit than you were wearing, and got in the car when you spotted Sam pulling up to your place. 

The bar wasn’t too busy, which you were glad about. There were a few groups of people scattered around, but Jess quickly rushed over to an empty booth, and Sam slid in beside her. You took the seat across from them, pulling your jacket off slowly as you glanced around. 

“This is nice.” You said. 

Jess smiled softly.

“Thought you’d like it.”

Sam nodded, giving you a small, reassuring smile.

“Perfect place to drown your sorrows, huh?”

You huffed out a quiet laugh.

“We’ll see… I’m gonna go up and get drinks, what do you guys want?” 

“Just a non-alcoholic beer, please. Someone’s gotta be the designated driver.” Sam smiled, already reaching into his pocket. 

“Do you really need to ask me?” Jess chuckled when you looked at her. 

“Rum and coke?” You raised an eyebrow, and she nodded her head with a little grin. 

“Here,” Sam said as you were about to get up, “First rounds on me.” 

You looked down at his hand, and he was holding out his card. Your heart did a stupid flip, that’s the kinda thing Noah would’ve done...

“Thanks.” You said a little quieter as you took the card from him and made your way up to the bar. 

You ordered your drinks, paid, then took them back to the table, gently placing them all down. 

You sat back down with a sigh, then for a moment the three of you were just quiet. It wasn’t awkward… if anything, it was just careful, you could tell neither of them wanted to say the wrong thing. 

But then Jess leaned her elbow on the table, her chin resting in her hand as she studied you for a moment before she spoke. 

“So,” she said gently, her voice soft. “How was your day?”

You let out a small breath through your nose, your gaze dropping to the table as you thought.

“It was…” you paused, trying to find the right word, but nothing quite fit. “Long.” That was good enough.

“Yeah?” Jess’s eyes softened. 

You shrugged slightly, tiredly. 

“I tried to just… get through it, you know? Focus on work. Pretend everything’s normal.” Your lips pressed together gently. “…But it’s not.”

“Did you have to see him?” Sam asked.

Your stomach flipped.

“Of course she had to see him, Sam, they work together!” Jess scoffed. 

“Not for much longer.” You said quietly, catching their attention. 

“...What?” Jess asked. 

“I made some calls, sent some messages and… I’m interviewing someone tomorrow.”

“But you don’t work on Sundays?” Jess’s eyebrows drew together, but you shook your head. 

“I know, but I don’t care. The sooner he’s out the better.” 

But Sam frowned slightly.

“You really mean that?”

Your eyes darted up to him.

“What?”

“You seriously don’t want to talk to him first? Properly? You’re just getting rid of him before he even has the chance to explain himself?”

Your heart hurt, and you looked back down at the table, your jaw clenching as you tried to hold onto the certainty you’d had earlier… the anger, the clarity, the finality of it.

“I have to.” You said, before lifting your head again. 

“Have to… or you want to?” Jess asked, reaching over the table to take your hand in hers. 

That hit deeper than you expected. Did you really want to?

“I don’t-” you shook your head, exhaling slowly. “I don’t know. But I can’t go back on it now. I can’t just let him explain and then... what? Change my mind? After everything he said? Make up and act like nothing ever happened? Pretend like he didn't just want to get in my pants?”

Sam watched you quietly for a moment, wondering whether saying these words were a bad idea or not… either way, he still said them.

“I can’t believe it’s true.”

Jess’s head snapped toward him immediately.

“Sam!”

But he didn’t look at her, he was looking at you.

“I’ve only met him once,” he continued. “That Halloween party at my place, remember? He came with you, and nobody knew it was his birthday.”

You blinked, your brows pulling together slightly as you tried to follow, though the memories were already making you feel sick. 

“…Yeah. I remember.”

He nodded.

“And even then,” he said, leaning forward slightly, resting his forearms on the table as his fingers wrapped around his bottle, “I remember thinking that this guy’s completely gone for you. Jess had to keep reminding me that you two weren’t a couple.”

Your breath caught, and Jess suddenly went quiet beside you. Sam shrugged like it was nothing, but there was nothing casual about what he was saying.

“I mean it,” he added. “The way he looked at you, the way he hovered around you the entire night, the way he paid attention to everything you said…” He shook his head slightly. “That’s not a guy who’s just trying to get into your pants. Trust me- I’m a guy.”

Your heart suddenly ached with every beat in your chest, and your vision began to blur from the tears in your eyes. 

“But… I don't get it if he said it was true.” You whispered.

“I know,” Sam said gently. “I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m just saying… it doesn’t line up with what I saw. What we all saw.”

That was it. That was all it took.

Because you’d been holding it in all day, forcing yourself to stay strong, to stay angry, to stay certain. But you wouldn’t last much longer. 

“Oh my god-” you choked out, your hand coming up to your face as your shoulders started to shake.

Jess climbed over Sam, and was beside you instantly.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay-”

“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” you cried, your voice breaking. “I don’t know if I’m being stupid or if I’m just ignoring something obvious or-”

Jess pulled you into her side again, her arms wrapping around you tightly.

“You’re not stupid,” she said firmly, her hand cradling the back of your head. “You’re just hurting. You're dealing with so much right now... I wish I knew how to help you better.”

…

Noah’s house didn’t feel like home to him anymore. 

It felt like something was missing. It felt colder than it ever had. It felt lonely. 

He sat on the edge of his bed, elbows resting on his knees, his hands pressed hard against his face. The room was quiet- no music playing, no background noise, nothing to distract him from the way his thoughts kept circling and looping and haunting him.

He almost felt sick. Like something was sitting there in his chest, lodged deep, refusing to move no matter how hard he tried to breathe through it.

He dragged his hands down slowly, his palms rubbing over his face before falling uselessly into his lap. He looked to his side, he had opened the overnight bag you kept at his place, the one you used to bring your things over in all those weeks- possibly months- ago. Then he looked around his room, and god it was almost like you had moved in. 

You were everywhere. 

Hair ties and random jewellery on his bedside table, your jacket draped over the back of his chair, the pile of dirty clothes on the floor that he said he’d wash for you the morning of the day this all kicked off. 

He stared at everything for a moment, almost afraid to move. But he knew he had to. He told you he would give you your things back. 

He pushed himself up slowly, then he began. He reached for the nearest thing, which happened to be the hair tie. It was such a small thing. Insignificant, really. Something you probably didn’t even think twice about leaving behind.

But he picked it up carefully, turning it between his fingers.

He remembered you standing in front of the mirror, tying your hair up absentmindedly while talking to him about something- he couldn’t even remember what anymore. Something normal. Something that didn’t hurt.

He swallowed hard as he placed it into the bag before forcing himself to move again.

The jacket came next. He hesitated before picking it up because it still smelled like you. It was very faint, but it was there. His grip tightened around the fabric as he brought it closer for just a second, his eyes closing briefly before he caught himself.

“Don’t.” He whispered, like he was telling himself off. Like he didn’t deserve that.

He exhaled shakily and folded it instead, more carefully than he needed to, before placing it into the bag.

Piece by piece, item by item, he moved through the bedroom packing your things. Your charger, your pajama top, the little bottle of conditioner you’d left in his bathroom because you refused to use his 5-in-1. 

He let out a quiet, broken huff of a laugh at that, his smile turning into a frown as he tried not to cry again, because it hurt. Because there was no one there to laugh with him. No one to roll their eyes, to call him an idiot. It was just quiet… and he hated it. 

…

The next morning, the sky was grey and the rain was pouring, tapping against the windshield of Noah’s car, blurring the view of your street. 

Your bag was sitting on the passenger seat, and he glanced over at it, then back at your house. The lights were all off, and your car wasn’t there… he guessed you weren’t in. He swallowed as he reached for his phone, hesitating for a moment on your contact before he pressed call. 

However, the call didn’t even go through. It rang once, then cut off. 

He frowned slightly as he pulled the phone away to check the screen, like maybe he’d accidentally done something. But he hadn’t, because he tried again… and the same thing happened. 

He felt his chest tighten as he realised what this meant. He wasn’t angry, and he certainly wasn’t surprised. It just hit him for some reason. 

You’d blocked him. 

He let out a soft breath through his nose, his head tipping back against the seat for a moment as the rain started to fall harder, the sound of it growing louder. 

Then he moved, he reached over to grab your bag before pushing open the car door and stepping out into the rain. He couldn’t believe how quick it soaked through his hoodie in the short walk up to your front door. 

He knocked once… then again… but there was still no answer. He waited for a moment, he glanced at the windows, but he couldn’t see any movement. Clearly you weren’t in. 

He couldn’t leave your bag out in the rain, he couldn’t let your things get soaked- but then he remembered. He still had your house key. 

He slipped his hand into his pocket and slowly pulled it out, it was attached to his house key and the spare he had for Folio’s from when his parents would let the band practice in their basement. He stared at your key for a moment, realising this was the last thing, the last piece of you he still had, aside from-

He swallowed, cutting that thought off before it could go any further. 

He stepped forward again and slid the key into the lock, twisting it, then he hesitated for a moment before pushing it open. But when he did, the warmth hit him. Then the silence followed. 

Your house had never been so quiet. 

He slowly stepped inside, careful not to drip everywhere as he closed the door behind him gently. Your home still smelled the same. It still smelled like you. It still made his heart flutter in a way he shouldn’t let it anymore. 

Just put the bag down, hang the key up, and leave. He told himself… but he couldn’t help but linger in the hallway, just standing there for a moment, wondering if this was the last time he’d ever step foot in your house. 

He could still remember the first time he came over, the night he picked you up when you were out with your friends, when you were drunk and wanted to go home but didn’t want to leave alone. He could still remember walking through the door, taking it all in for the first time, and getting lost on the way to your bathroom. 

He crouched slightly by the kitchen door, setting the bag down gently by the wall, making sure it wouldn’t tip over. Then he straightened back up, but he didn’t leave straight away. 

He just looked around the house. Nothing was different, but everything felt different. Maybe it was because you weren’t here? Maybe it was because he wasn’t supposed to be here?

His gaze landed on the kitchen counter, and he slowly stepped over to it without really thinking. He then reached into his pocket, pulling the key out again, taking it off the keyring.

He looked at it for a long moment, turning it in his fingers, remembering the way you handed it to him one day, so casually, like it wasn’t a big deal.

“In case you ever need it.”

He swallowed hard before gently setting it down on the counter, taking one last look around at everything…

And the memories suddenly came back all at once. You leaning against the counter as you watched him cook, making fun of something he said, or playfully arguing with him over something. The way you giggled between kisses when he was trying to shut you up, his hands on your hips as he pressed you against the counter. The way you looked at him with hearts in your eyes without even realising it... he never thought it'd come to this.

But this was it. There wasn’t anything left to hold onto now. You didn’t want him here. Didn’t want to talk. Didn’t want to know him anymore.

So he turned around and walked back over to the door, and reached for the handle to pull it open slowly… 

The rain was still falling as he stepped out, but he didn’t care any more. He pulled your door shut behind him and didn’t look back.

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

this is actually half of what the original chapter was as i decided to split it in two, it made sense so there wasn't soo much going on, i feel like it paces the story a little better :) however, that does mean that the next chapter is already written, and it's a very intense one 🫣