#heavy?

Dear Blank, 

So today was another day spent during literally nothing. 

No wait, I just thought over my day and I did do quite a lot. I woke up, went to get food, came back cleaned the bathroom, showered for too long, and then studied. Also, I kept on answering my inboxes, and I felt like people are going to turn off my notification very soon if they haven’t already. 

On the way to get food, I was telling my little sister about what I wrote for the lastest part of one of my works, and then she was like “you mean, like in 13 reasons why?” And I felt so sick. 

The thing is, I didn’t realise the scene was so similar to that one, and I feel like all the emotions I put into the latest part was wasted. But, I have to give it to the writer of the show, that scenario is amazing. So, I’ll change it when I can think of something equally emotional as that. 

I wanted to write today, but I couldn’t. I ended up watching too many Jaebum videos and I got sad. Can you guess which video it was Blank? 

It was the one from Weekly Idol; Jaebum is singing Confession by Im Jaebum (I love that song, and for you, omg), and they all play tag with sexy dances lol. I repeated Jaebum’s part once, and I was like damn. And then I repeated it for the tenth time and I felt so sad. 

Because when his grinding, he says one word with so much emphasis, and it makes me want to cry because I am crazy. And I repeated that again, and I watched him dance and I felt my heart sink so low. I just once again realised how untouchable he was. 

There is nowhere Im Jaebum will ever notice. It’s impossible, and feeling sad because of a Kpop Idol is plain stupidity. 

But, I really like him. Not in a crush kind of way, not even love. I love him, but more as an inspiration. But, there is always this hope you know, that somehow he and I will just one day meet and that will be it. 

However, that's not how real life works, and that is why I need to live in the real world Blank. That is why I need to like other guys, and not use Jaebum as a replacement for all the guys I missed or wish for in the future. 

I honestly, respect him as an artist. I would choose to hear his voice over, seeing his beautiful face any day. 

Blank, why am I like this? Why can’t I be normal like other people?

I kind of really wish for Jaebum to have a girlfriend, and he becomes public with eventually. I’ll be happy for him, and I think my delusion will break away too. 

Blank, loving a fictional character is so much easier than like a real person you can never get. Why couldn’t I just like Maven? or Cas? Or whoever the characters in my book are?

I haven’t liked anyone ‘real’ in so long, I’m starting to feel so empty. But, it’s just for tonight. 

Don’t worry Blank, I’ll be perfectly happy and bright tomorrow. I have to wake up the next morning, Blank, and I can’t be crazy every time I wake. 

The Sky: