#heartsick.

You see.. i really hate dealing with doctors. Just because of bad past with them.  And right now lately i've just been kinda trying to avoid my mom because I been trying to keep myself happy but the fact that i have some beef with her just frustrates me. It's just hard to accept the fact that i'll never be good enough. 

I thought this usual checkup was supposed to be health and prescriptions but then they handed me this piece of paper that had a survey on it.. and i remember, the last time i did this i had a breakdown and i was said i needed counseling after my seizure and my mom gave me a hard time after they told her i needed it. 

I purposely lied most of the questions on the survey because i already knew what was gonna happen. I just wanted to leave as quick as possible and i didn't wanna be questioned.

I lied on 60-70 percent on it. I didn't want anything to happen and i felt like if she was gonna try to talk to me i was gonna cry and i didn't want to cry.

I lied on mostly everything. How there is no violence in the home. How i never though about hurting myself. How i don't consume alcohol or get in the car with people who consume alcohol. To be around people who smoke. If i'm usually depressed. If i get along with parents. So on and so on.

I just didn't want her to tell me i needed anything and i didn't want her to talk to my mom about me because that's the last person i need anything from right now.

but in the end the more she was talking to me and questioning me i eventually started to cry as we talked and i didn't mean to. I tried so hard to hold back my tears and tried to keep back from anything. Majority of the time i was looking down trying to text to avoid crying or answer quickly " NO " to her questions and move on and get the fuck out. I didn't want to do anything with this bullshit.

But i guess it was okay cause i kinda just eventually accidentally let shit spill. I started balling my eyes out how i'm never good enough for my mom and how i get no support and how she thinks i'm stupid or how i have no father and how i barely see him. And most of the answers i gave to her were logic all i said was " Well uh yeah? Aren't most teenagers sad at one point or think about hurting themselves.. it's normal " but honestly I just didn't want her to think i was more crazy. 

And i guess the reason why i'm so OKAY with my mom treating me the way she does is because that's the only parent i have. I'm grateful for what she does to me and i grew up with it to where it's definitely okay to how she shows no respect for my work. And i know i'll never gain it no matter how many elders try to speak to her. And I let her speak to me the way she does because i know i'll never win and she won't ever understand and i'm just so tired of responding because nobody will ever know my side of the story. My work means nothing. Everything I do is because of her and related. I only played volleyball because i was so tired of everything i somehow way needed someway to relieve my anger and frustration and damn sure it worked out fine.. all the things i do.. i only try to do it so she can finally be proud of me. Most of the time i'm out because staying at home brings me pain. 

I couldn't help buy to cry. Especially when she started questioning me about my dad. That really hurted me. Pain is inevitable. 

I'm so tired of suffering and leaving in this reality. I try so hard to be happy sometimes and brush it off, but sometimes it's such a sensitive topic to me it always ends up haunting me everyday and the actions i'm surrounded by everyday. 

I sometimes i feel like there's no use anymore.. the more i grow tired the more less effort i put in to things and wake up later. 

The words " You will never make it " or " You can't succeed " should be the words of motivation.. but my family is my life and has always been my dream and always have been determined to have a family in one piece. 

It's okay to be sad.. just a little bit heartsick