To be broken down so horribly, for someone to use you so thoroughly that you feel empty after them, numb and unable to form anymore emotions, to be surrounded by so much pain and abuse that you retire to silent acceptance, emotionless solitude, build a wall surrounding yourself, lose trust in everyone really, that is very cruel, it's so terrifyingly cruel, to be a happy loving individual just to be crushed like a dying cockroach because of some dumb person's toxicity and their utter fucking stupidity, your only mistake being that you offered them a helping hand or sympathy, you always did like to help those around you, you never had someone to help you so you did try to give, you try not to think of yourself as a victim, you try to look for all the outcomes and all the meanings and all the reasons, it all goes back to the same place, you didn't do anything, you just offered them empathy, but some people don't deserve sympathy, some people just, don't know how to be thankful or polite or grateful, but how? You scream that you didn't really want gratefulness even, you just didn't expect them to be hurtful did you? You're stupid, aren't you? When will you learn? People are horrible, this is just how it works, you're a child, believing that it will work out for you, really believing that you'll be loved for being a good person and appreciated for being nice? You won't, you really won't, you'll just get used over and over, because you're dumb, you do the same mistake every time, you say you'll never trust again, you'll never accept bad treatment, you'll choose the right people but then look at you now? Look at you, in the same place again, you leave this place just to get back here, more broken down than every last time, you don't get stronger, you just get more messed up, you lose some more of your sanity, your trust, your belief in everything, and now you've done it haven't you? You've reached your point finally, finally, you believe that no one is good, they're all bad, they're all bad so you won't get close to anyone and that's wonderful, you finally learned your freaking lesson, but look what it cost you? Couldn't you just listen? Did you really think that you deserved love? How could you be so stupid underneath all that bravado, intelligence and maturity? You don't deserve it, you'll never get it, you never earned it before and you never will! It's really not worth the freaking emotional drain, it's really not.
