Oh, the cathartic and beautiful purging forth that these lyrics in “II Hands II Heaven” were for me.

One of the overlooked after effects of having your virginity broken at the age of 12/13 by an adult-man-relative-uncle turned legal father figure…

As a high schooler in the 90’s, the talk of who’s still a virgin, who’s not, when, where, why, how and with who?…especially by senior year when it was almost time to go off to college or where ever life after high school takes you, was a lot. It was literally heart and gut wrenching every time that question or talk amongst friends and classmates came up around me, because it instantly transported me back, time and time again to my conflicted knowing & relationship with my virginity. Having it stolen and the period of ongoing molestation that followed. At the time, to say I was a virgin was……..and to say I was not a virgin was……..well, both took me to a very dark place in an instant and nearly made me physically sick. My sacral chakra was constantly awry.

By the summer of my senior year, 17 year old me could not bare taking this inner conflict and constant impending trigger of a question and conversation with me to college. A destination where the chance of a new life and freedom awaited as the key to help me save myself. And so, that was the reason for choosing to give myself to my boyfriend at the time. It was such a decision of self preservation that the true meaning of such an intimate exchange and experience was lost in the murky waters of my mind, my past and even my present. Afterwards, I was mostly just finally relieved that the shame and sadness induced by the question of virginity had been silenced, for the time being…at least, until I was ready to release the secret of my sexual abuse many years later and tend to the trauma layer by layer, gently up root it, see to it with care, acknowledge it fully and thoroughly, my feelings, my pain, the unwarranted shame, to lend empathy to how I handled it at the time, to see Me and weep for the girl I was then, who had to make that decision for the reasons she did and give her so much love for doing her best to keep her Spirit light - well done baby girl, well done.

Grateful for the cathartic and beautiful purging forth and closure that these lyrics and melody in “II Hands II Heaven” were for me.

🎶…Lost virgins with broken wings that will regrow…🎶

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