#findingoasis

Oh, the cathartic and beautiful purging forth that these lyrics in “II Hands II Heaven” were for me.

One of the overlooked after effects of having your virginity broken at the age of 12/13 by an adult-man-relative-uncle turned legal father figure…

As a high schooler in the 90’s, the talk of who’s still a virgin, who’s not, when, where, why, how and with who?…especially by senior year when it was almost time to go off to college or where ever life after high school takes you, was a lot. It was literally heart and gut wrenching every time that question or talk amongst friends and classmates came up around me, because it instantly transported me back, time and time again to my conflicted knowing & relationship with my virginity. Having it stolen and the period of ongoing molestation that followed. At the time, to say I was a virgin was……..and to say I was not a virgin was……..well, both took me to a very dark place in an instant and nearly made me physically sick. My sacral chakra was constantly awry.

By the summer of my senior year, 17 year old me could not bare taking this inner conflict and constant impending trigger of a question and conversation with me to college. A destination where the chance of a new life and freedom awaited as the key to help me save myself. And so, that was the reason for choosing to give myself to my boyfriend at the time. It was such a decision of self preservation that the true meaning of such an intimate exchange and experience was lost in the murky waters of my mind, my past and even my present. Afterwards, I was mostly just finally relieved that the shame and sadness induced by the question of virginity had been silenced, for the time being…at least, until I was ready to release the secret of my sexual abuse many years later and tend to the trauma layer by layer, gently up root it, see to it with care, acknowledge it fully and thoroughly, my feelings, my pain, the unwarranted shame, to lend empathy to how I handled it at the time, to see Me and weep for the girl I was then, who had to make that decision for the reasons she did and give her so much love for doing her best to keep her Spirit light - well done baby girl, well done.

Grateful for the cathartic and beautiful purging forth and closure that these lyrics and melody in “II Hands II Heaven” were for me.

🎶…Lost virgins with broken wings that will regrow…🎶

#findingoasis #orangemoonphases #orangemoonoasis #healingjourney #healingandbeyond #transcendence #alchemy #freedom #spiralsofascension

This is the entrance before she blazes into the lyrics: 🎶I was born in a crossfire hurricane -ooh ooooh- and I howled at the mornin’ drownin’ rain…”🎶

This clip of my fave is how I feel my spirit burst on the scene ready for this human life. lol - nah but for real tho, it resonates. 💫

The Calm before:

It is said life cycles in sevens. Years 0 to 6 are filled with sweet hazed memories and feelings, love and spirited joy, feeling special and connected and loved. I give thanks for this soft landing here earth-side. Hindsight shows these times and foundation would sustain me for many years to come.

I once had a vivid vision during a meditation in 2005. This was the year my buried past erupted into my present reality (more on that later) to be spoken of for the first time, faced head on, and my awakening and healing journey began.

The Vision was of me not in this earthly realm but right outside of it. I was looking upon a form of myself surrounded by such caring and loving beings. They felt like angels and ancestors, spiritual protectors and other light beings who were familial. It was a ritual of sorts happening where all energies were focused on me…in me. I was being filled up with something so pure and bright and beyond loving. It was seemingly moments before this journey earth side. Promising seeds being planted…remember who you are, remember This is where you come from, remember this is what you are Made of, remember We are here, remember your Why, remember you are secure with everything you need here *touches heart space* for this journey of humanity ahead, remember you chose this path and the soul ties you will have for spiritual ascension. The feelings of these words swirled around and through me and then it was a faint distant feeling that expanded and rooted itself into a seeded knowing. That was one of the most potent meditation experiences I had ever had.

I’ve been told my past - my life story so far sounds like a harrowing tale but it’s actually a life lived and suffered, healed and transcended through. I’ve only shared the darkest details with a chosen few when spirit and connection and intuition moved me. You should write a book they’ve said and I’ve always recoiled at the thought. My past is intertwined with the shame and secrecy that others carry around their own stories. And I in turn carried myself.

But it’s my truth that perseveres to be told, shared, and expressed outside of my mind and knowing, beyond the pages of my journal. Released free from the shadows for all to see. For anyone to glean from. To shed light on ignorance, unaccountability and denial. For whomever has ever known a level of me - a former version of me; to allow for a deeper understanding, if desired. To bring awareness where there was none.

Sharing in this public way feels transcendent - beyond healing. What happens after healing? An integration of all that you’ve healed from and a realization of wholeness in spite of and because of it all.

Coming onto my tumblr is like venturing off onto an interesting looking side street for a walk you’re not quite sure where it will take you but you answer the calling or curiosity. It’s a choice to come and a decision to stay or return, to engage or observe. So, I’m giving of myself…my story…the makings of me over here. It’s happening in this private feeling yet public space for those intentional and purposeful reasons.

Welcome to my lane.🧡

Doodle of a scene. Time to go to work!