#head2head

The world that isn't, that wasn't, that cannot be... but is also true and real and teaching Jerome all about himself...

And the reality they're in right now.

Is this what you're looking for? I was generous enough to keep it for you. Someone like you would do that for me?

I keep thinking about these two moments. And how at the very least there is 5 years between these brief moments we are given as Thai secondary school starts at 12. But it’s more likely 7-10 years between these moments.

And I just wonder what happened with them between these moments (and I have faith we are going to get them because New Siwaj loves a non-linear narrative with flashbacks). And it’s such a lovely set up because from this perspective, Jinn’s perspective, J is an asshole who is only doing this to beat him.

But I have to wonder, what is actually driving J here? And what did he try before stealing men from Jinn, and making an absolute menace of himself, to repair this moment when at 7 he teased his friend in a moment of comphet/internalized homophobia.

Because everything is structured to get a reaction and in some cases a prolonged interaction with Jinn.

Because this is J’s face when Jinn says he doesn’t care.

And this is J’s face when he pushes Jinn into being annoyed just by staring at him (and being rude)

There’s something to preferring to being met with rage rather than casual indifference. At least if Jinn hates him, J still means something to Jinn. He’s important.

And even J’s actions, while rude and two-faced, never fully cross into full cruelty or where Jinn ends up completely without power and agency.

With the incident in high school, he didn’t punch Jinn back (from what we saw) and while he played sweet for Jinn’s mom, he snf his mom both voiced that they were just playing and not to blame Jinn. and his own mom saw through his bullshit to some extent, twisted his ear, and dragged him out.

If it was all pure cruelty, he would have left Jinn to get the keys out of the tree. J was shocked when the keys flew up into the tree and he could have just shrugged and walked away and made it Jinn’s problem. But he didn’t. Because the purpose isn’t to upset or embarrass Jinn, it’s to provoke emotion and to get time to interact with Jinn. Holding the keys over Jinn’s head allowed for some physical contact that J enjoyed.

But when they ended up in the tree, J took his shoe off first to try and knock them back out for Jinn.

The biggest tell is when Beam shows up at the track, J has to keep forcing himself back to even look at Beam, because he is so focused on Jinn and Jinn’s reaction. And even at times looks concerned about how far this will push Jinn.

This is not to defend my fucked up son. He has committed all of his sins and is going about this in absolutely the wrong way. Like…worst choices beloved.

And yet…I just wonder when he learned the best way to get Jinn to look at him was to make him mad. And when he’s going to realize the way he’s been going about it will never get him what he actually wants, which is Jinn’s love.