She stuck her tongue out and jumped to her feet, pulling open my curtains aggressively to let a little light into the room, which made me squirm from my spot on the bed, pulling the sheets up a little higher, refusing to accept the sunlight.
The day before had been spent mainly in the hospital and talking to the police about what had happened. I’d tried my best to recall the image of the boy who had put his hands around my throat, and recall every exact detail, but the ordeal had become a blur rather quickly.
Libby moved, throwing open the two doors which separated my bedroom from my living area, before strolling over to my kitchen, flicking the kettle on and routing through cupboards.
“I’m gunna feed you soup.”
“Swallowing hurts. I don’t wanna do it.”
“You have to eat, Alfie. You can’t not eat.”
“I didn’t eat yesterday and I’m still alive.”
“Don’t get sarcastic with me, young lady.”
I was miserable. It was easily, without a doubt, the worst birthday I’d ever had. I would have been miserable anyway, thanks to the breakup, but it turned out getting mugged was the cherry on top of my birthday cake.
I wanted to spend at least a week in bed.
“Does everyone know?” I groaned.
“Yep. Lin told everyone. I think he thinks it’s well exciting.”
“Fuck sake. I’m gunna have little old ladies bothering me in the street.”
“You might get more sales in the shop though, to be fair. People will feel sorry for you.”
“Suppose so.”
She put some soup on the hob and then came back over to me, sitting herself back down at the end of the bed, and then softening a little.
I’d preferred the tough love and sarcasm, really.
“Seriously though, you okay?”
“M'a bit shook up, but I’m alright.”
“You sure?”
Truth was, I felt awful. Never worse.
I’d lived in Rosebury my whole life, and because of that, my life had been relatively uninteresting. Nothing ever happened there. Once, a field of sheep broke loose and fled into the centre of the village, and it took an entire day to get them back, and an entire year before people stopped talking about it. That was as exciting things got for us.
I was used to having a quiet little existence.
The pain in my neck seemed to travel throughout my whole body, making me feel weak and exhausted. I was anxious, worrying about every noise I heard and even the thought of leaving my flat.
The whole thing had really gotten to me, much more than I’d been letting on.
“Feel like shit, y’know.” I grumbled. “I feel… really uneasy.”
“I’m sorry, Alf.”
“I dunno what to do, like… I’m just… panicking about… I dunno. Everything, I guess.”
She looked over her shoulder when a rather sinister sizzle sounded from the kitchen, before running back over there and turning the heat down before stirring slightly.
I really didn’t think I’d be able to manage eating.
She remained in the kitchen quietly mulling over things until the food was ready, and that’s when she spoke up again.
“We should go to some self-defence classes.” She suggested.
“I heard the guy who runs those things is a creep.”
“Nah, he doesn’t do them anymore. There are these new classes, with a new guy. He’s just starting.” She poured my soup into a bowl. “And I really think we should go. You could learn… to fight back. Not that I think anything like that will ever happen again, but… At least, if it ever did, you’d know what to do.”
She sauntered back over to me, bowl of soup in hand and big smile on her face.
I frowned.
“A new guy?”
“You missed some town gossip yesterday when you were in the hospital. Rosebury nearly exploded with two things happening on the same day.”
“Who’s the new guy?”
“Well… apparently, he’s the one who bought the haunted house.”
“What?”
I was glad something else had happened that could take at least some of the attention away from what had happened to me, to be honest. And the fact that someone had actually bought that house was bound to be big news.
It was a beautiful place, nestled down a long country road, but it had been abandoned for years. When we were young, we’d go up and look at it, stare through the windows and scare ourselves to death. Most of the kids in Rosebury still did that, almost like some weird kind of tradition.
As old and relatively run down as it was, it must have still been worth a fortune. The location was beautiful, separated from the rest of the village and surrounded by woodland, and the building itself was huge.
I guess we’d all kind of thought it would sit there uninhabited until one day it was knocked down.
“Yup. I don’t think anyone’s even seen the guy yet, but apparently some lad bought it, and now he’s starting self-defence classes too. The timings perfect.”
“The timing is too perfect.” I scowled. “What if it’s the bastard who did this to me? What if… What if he's starting these classes as a way of… covering up what he’s done!”
“Oh bloody hell, a conspiracy theory!”
“Okay, we have to go.” I huffed. “I have to eye this guy up and see if I remember him. I’d know him if I saw him!”
“All the more reason to go. Now, open wide.”
Reluctantly, I did as I was told, Libby making an airplane noise as she gently shoved a spoonful of soup into my mouth, and there was only a slight sting when I swallowed, which was a pleasant surprise.
She gave me a while before she finally approached the topic I’d been waiting for her to bring up since she stormed into my flat and demanded to look after me. I must have been around halfway through my soup when she plucked up the courage.
“So… Sam.”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Alfie.” She sighed.
“It was just… a shit night and I don’t wanna talk about it, Libby.”
“But it’s over?”
“It’s over. It’s done. Nothing left to discuss.”
“Fine. Whatever you want.” She left it all of ten seconds, before continuing the conversation. “How did he take it?”
“Fine? I think? I dunno. The whole night is a bit of a blur.”
“Niall said he-”
“He’ll be fine! We’ll be fine. Everything is totally fine.”
Unsurprisingly, she didn’t believe my unconvincing rambling, and that was made clear by the roll of her eyes, and she just continued to feed me in silence.
I was glad that it was Libby that had come around to drag me from my dire state and stop me feeling overly sorry for myself. I’d half expected all of them to come around, really, to bother make and poke fun and try to make me feel better in the most backwards way imaginable, but I was glad it was just the one minion.
I reluctantly finished my soup, which took much more effort and much longer than it should, and then Libby settled on the spare side of my bed, clearly not planning on leaving anytime soon.
“So… when are the classes? Has he even started them yet?” I asked.
“I dunno.” She shrugged.
“Lib.” I huffed.
“What?”
“I know the second you heard what happened to me, you researched. I know you did. So, I know you know when the classes are.”
“Yeah… That’s true. I did a frantic research, and I was crying, and it was all very melodramatic. If I knew how fine you were, I wouldn’t have cried.”
“I am an injured lady!” I joked offence, chuckling slightly.
“I even know the guy’s name.”
“I knew it.”
“He’s called Harry. He’s gunna start 'em up next Wednesday. They’d put something up on the councils site about it, so I rang him and spoke to him.”
“Does he seem nice, or does he seem like the type who would attack an innocent woman walking home from the pub on her birthday?”
“Y’know… I couldn’t pick up that much from his voice, I’m afraid. But he seemed decent.”
“Hm. We will see.”
There was a loud banging on my front door, Libby leaping to her feet immediately to go and answer it, and I figured I was out of luck, and that Libby had been sent around to ease me into things before the rest of them came and attacked.
But as soon as I heard the door open, I knew that wasn’t the case.
“Sam, go home.” I heard her groan, and my eyes widened.
“Let me the fuck inside, Libby! I need to see her!”
“Sam, no! Go home! You broke up, I don’t know why you’re even-”
“I heard what happened, so get the fuck out of my way, Libby. I wanna see her.”
“You’re not coming in, so-”
“LIBBY, LET HIM IN!” I called desperately.
There was a moments silence, where I imagine Libby was stood just around the corner questioning what the hell I had just said, and being frustrated that after being so adamant that it was the definite end of me and Sam, I’d technically, already caved.
“Alfie-”
“LET HIM IN!”
There was some scuttling, and then Sam appeared in my bedroom and ran over to me, sitting on my bed and reaching out to me, eyes wide, one hand clutching gently at my cheek and the other grasping desperately onto my hand.
I burst into tears.
“What the fuck?” He gasped, and I could see clearly how upset he was. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why the fuck do I have to hear this from fucking Louis?”
“I don’t know I’m confused I’m sorry.” I rambled, holding his hand back just as tightly.
Libby appeared in the doorway with her arms folded, but I paid her no attention.
I just couldn’t help myself. Sam had been such a huge part of my life for so many years. He’d picked me up when I was at my very lowest. He’d wiped away tears. He had been a source of comfort and love for five years. After what had happened, even hearing his voice made me crave that affection. I didn’t know where my head was at, all I knew was that he himself was a comfort that I truly needed in that moment.
“Are you in pain? Are you okay?” He cried.
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not fucking fine, Alfie!” Libby fumed from the doorway. “But that’s why I’m here. Please can you not…”
Sam whipped his head around so he could shoot her a furious look with full effect, squeezing my hand a little tighter.
“Can she not what?” He provoked.
“You two aren’t together anymore, so I don’t know why you’re here and I don’t know why she’s… Fuck it. I’m just gunna go. I’ll leave you to it.”
“Lib-” I tried.
“Don’t worry about it.” She shrugged, picking up her bag and slinging it over her shoulder. “As soon as I know more about the classes, I’ll be in touch, alright?”
She was trying her best to remain friendly, but I could tell I’d pissed her off.
I wasn’t surprised, really. I’d been adamant that I wouldn’t fall back into his arms, and I’d been talking about finally ending things with him for months. Libby and Sam had never been each other’s biggest fans, either.
I sighed, watching her open the front door, ready to leave.
I felt so fucking defeated.
“Well… I’ll see you soon.”
“Yeah.” She smiled. “Bye, you two!”
I could tell that Sam was incredibly glad to see the back of her as he edged even closer to me.
I still had my eyes on the doorway.
“Fuck her.” He shrugged as soon as the door slammed shut. “I don’t give a fuck what people think. Still care about ya, don’t I?”
“Mm.”
He lifted my hand, kissing the back of it, slowly easing now that he knew I was okay. The frantic mood he’d been in when he first arrived began to evaporate, but an anger began to form.
“I’ll fucking kill the guy who did this to you.”
“I don’t know who he is!”
“Well, I’ll find out.” He seethed. “I’ll find a fucking way, and I’ll kill the bastard. M’not kidding.”
He reached out, cupping my cheek in his warm hand, his eyes flicking down to the neck brace for just a second, but I could tell it was bringing out an anger within him that he was trying not to feed.
I watched him trying to ease, further tears forming in my eyes, my whole head pounding with confusion and frustration and utter desperation.
“Will you stay?” I asked him, feeling so pathetic, but I needed his affections.
“I’ll do whatever you want me to do, Baby.”
Sam stood by the kettle, watching me through the doorway as my eyes started to droop unintentionally, my body curved on top of the bed so I could watch him and smile across to him whilst I had the energy to do so.
He’d stayed with me all day and all night, keeping me soothed, like I meant everything to him, and it was the first time for years where his subconscious actions had proven to me that he really did love me. He’d gotten so used to us after so many years together, that I’d ended up being just a casual part of his life, someone he needn’t pay extra attention to or show any gratitude.
It was nice to have him there, and to feel that love again, but in a way, it just reminded me that things should have always been that sweet. It shouldn’t have been spurred by me being hurt.
“You want me to stay?” He asked quietly.
“Mm.” I nodded. “If you want.”
“This is complicated, Alf.” He spoke, not taking his eyes off me, arms folded. “Of course I wanna stay, but… I don’t know what you want.”
I just stared at him in silence, trying to ignore his sombre frame, trying to ignore my whirring thoughts and shun just how complicated it was him even being there. We’d managed to avoid talking about the fact we’d broken up all day, because things were easier that way.
Being around each other with this slight toxic atmosphere that we chose to ignore, was actually something that me and Sam had become accustom to.
I just didn’t say anything, nervously biting my bottom lip.
“Do you even know what you want?” He prompted.
I shook my head as the kettle finished boiling, Sam nodding glumly as he turned and started preparing our drinks.
I grudgingly moved, sitting myself upright, my back against the wall in an attempt to stay awake and talk to him properly, as much as I could. There probably wasn’t too much to say, and I definitely didn’t feel like there was much I could contribute that would make much sense, but I also didn’t want him to feel like I was completely dismissing him.
Once the drinks were ready, he sulked back over, placing them both down by the window before he began undressing himself, and it was hard to ignore how utterly at home we were with each other, even after everything.
When he was down to his boxers, he crawled onto the bed, picking up his reading glasses that he kept at mine and sliding them on before slouching downwards, staring forward rather than looking at me.
“I don’t know what say.” I finally mumbled. “I don’t know how I’m feeling.”
“Right.”
“You just… I just wanted… I just wanted you here.”
“Don’t you think that means something?” He finally shot his head to me.
“I think it means that I’m upset and you mean a lot to me, but it doesn’t mean our relationship was good.”
“But it could be. If you gave us another chance, it could be!”
“I shouldn’t have to give it another chance!” I wailed. “We tried for years, and there’s something missing here, and you know that! I know you know that.”
“I just want-”
“You want the comfort.” I interrupted. “You want… what I want from us tonight. You want the familiarity and you want the comfort that we have, but you don’t want us! I get why you think you do, and this is still fresh, but… I want what’s best for both of us.”
“Then tell me why you want me here. Tell me why I’m still the person you want.”
I felt like my words were empty, even though it made perfect sense to me.
I just wanted him around, through habit, to receive some tender attention. But I didn’t want us.
I looked down to my hands, tugging rather restlessly at my bedsheets.
“Sam, if you want to leave, you can. But that’s where I stand.”
He sighed, biting anxiously at his lip before laying down, opening his arm to me and inviting me into his body.
I lay down, tucking myself against him, placing my head on his chest and relaxing once again. His fingers played through my hair with ease and kissing the top of my head.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered. “I wish… I wish things were different.”
“I know. I do too.”
Nothing more needed to be said between the two of us. We just fell asleep, quiet and soft and familiar and lovely and enough to give me a headache.
But I ignored everything, just to be with him, just to receive the comforts that I felt only he could give me. I wished things were different. I wished I felt differently and I wished things were just black and white, but I was an utter mix of emotions, none of which took me to simple solutions or scenarios.
So I just remained in the moment, and fell asleep in his arms, in the same way I had done countless times over the past five years.
