#havingavoice

Once upon a time,

I let someone else decide. 

Fear reared it’s ugly head,

And my friend Failure

Became my enemy. 

I wish I could’ve seen it,

My voice,

Slipping away. 

I offered myself

Up to the judges,

And let them keep define me. 

Who should I be?

What can I say?

How will I be loved?

The voice that answered,

Was not the One I know. 

It was a darker voice

Who told me I was not enough.

Someone else knew better,

So I left them in charge. 

I checked out of my mind

and lugged my baggage out the door,

Pretending I was free. 

I journeyed to find

who I was,

And every time I thought I found her,

I watched her

Be snatched away. 

Not enough. 

Not enough. 

Try again. 

Failure punched me in the face,

And I let her. 

I did not learn

That she was teaching me

How to fight back,

I just kept falling down. 

A dark cloud encased my mind,

And I could not find the door

To open it,

For the One who knocked. 

But there, emerging,

A golden treasure I thought I’d never see. 

My voice!

Given back to me. 

Wrenched from the hands of fear,

Thrust into my ready throat,

Guided by the One. 

Failure was given a new name,

My mistakes transformed

To transform me. 

I was no longer in control

And no longer afraid

Of losing it. 

There, like dawn breaking,

A Voice!

Speaking Truth and goodness,

You Are Enough and

You Do Not Have To Strive. 

I can be,

‘For those trying to find their voice in a world where they have to speak louder, just so they can be heard’ – Ilana Estelle

When I found out I had cerebral palsy, I wanted to do something positive for the first time. I needed to get to grips with and explore my disability for the first time. It wasn’t a decision taken lightly, but it was necessary if at the age of 46 I was going to learn about my disability, learn about myself. I went from nothing to something with The CP Diary blog, and for the first time I was able to identify with my disability and my experiences.

Writing a book to get to know me, to understand my disability meant I would have my voice heard. It was important I come face to face with my disability, and for the first time. As a child with no voice, if writing a book meant me being able to come face to face with my disability, then it’s something I needed to do. I am sure anyone in my circumstances would have done the same thing.

But honesty requires us to be brave, for us to turn our lessons into universal truths and that is what I have done. People will always have opinions on other people’s writing, but an author needs to be true to themselves. They need to be comfortable, they need to understand their life.

Finding my voice, having a voice for the first time, has finally given me the freedom to choose. However hard or uncomfortable your journey is for others, it’s your journey. You must choose what is right for you. It is important for us to have people in our lives who care and who will listen, and who don’t stand in judgment.

Truthfully, I am relieved. Being able to choose, I am proud of what I have achieved, what I have been able to accomplish, what I needed to do for myself, to find the true me, without having to go to the grave without. Through my book I show you how.

My blog and my book is dedicated to all those who have yet to have their voices heard. That through my words that it happens for you too.

For anyone wishing to buy my book, it is available in a bookstores online and it is also available on Amazon – amzn.to/2qrpiy8 UK or http://amzn.to/2WPE2Vy US.

Hello Tumblr people, 

first day on this account for me. I’m excited. I used Tumblr for years, but mostly in a rather passive, not very talkative kind of way. Having German as mother tongue and having studied French, I never actually practiced speaking English. Though my “receptive” understandig is rather well practiced. That’s not a big thing, living in Germany, most of the time I don’t feel the need to speak English very well. 

But, in times of Covid19, I spend more time in the internet and experienced the following thing: If you don’t speak English, you can’t engage in most discussions about shows, characters, actors, especially on Tumblr. You can’t really engage in discussions about politics. You can’t really connect with people. You can’t write fanfiction - nobody would read it. You wouldn’t have a great audience. I realized that I might read the discussions, the fanfiction, I can do all that. But it’s always in a passive way. I don’t really participate. I don’t have a  voice. 

But I feel like it’s symptomatical for all my life. I’m a rather reluctant person, not keen on making decisions, fearing to make many faults. (But I wonder if I turned out differently if english was my mother tongue and I could have learned to develop a “voice” thanks to the internet in my teenage years.)

Anyway, while isolating myself from the people, I decided to reach out for them and to overcome my fear of speaking forein languages. “Practice makes perfect” or as we say in German: “Übung macht den Meister.”

I’m really into ladies and Harry Potter. So, most of the content on this blog will be about these two main topics. 

Stay safe and healthy, 

happy Easter to all of you!