#hate nation

In the words of Tyler, The Creator: "I'm a fuckin' walkin' paradox."

I confuse myself about as much as I confuse everyone around me. I'm a faithful Christian who adores everything macabre; I thoroughly enjoy the work of Marilyn Manson, I read Stephen King novels with the same passion that most Christians read the Bible, and I've dreamt of becoming a famous thriller/horror writer for the better of seven years.

The darker side of life has always fascinated me, and I can't help it - not that I'd want to. I enjoy being the way I am, and those who really care about me don't mind it at all. Some of them even find it endearing. But the better portion of everyone that I grew up with as well as the vast majority of my family members... they don't see me that way.

Because I'm a feminist, and in my family, that's a dirty word.

Because I wear black, and in my family, girls are raised to be preppy and adorable.

Because I'm nobody's stereotypical Christian, and they justhatethat.

Sometimes, I genuinely wonder if they'd rather I just renounce God. At least then I could be stuffed into a box, right? Then I would be managable. Undesireable, sure. But managable all the same. Because then it would be acceptable to glare at me, to look at me and mentally inform me that I'll be going to Hell. But could they really get away with doing that to a person of faith, only because that person supports gay marriage, women's rights, wears 'too much' black, listens to 'inappropriate' music and reads/writes macabre abominations?

Nah. Not unless they want it weighing on their conscience.

Note that I don't really care about a person's religious beliefs; that's between them and God, and it has nothing to do with me. If you're a straight-up Bible thumper, that's cool. You don't believe in God? Okay. You're a Satanist? Hey, whatever floats your yaht, man. Scientology, Buddhism, Hinduism, whatever you're comfortable with, whatever reallytrulyfeels right to you - that's what you should go with. And it isn't my place (or anyone else's) to judge you or to interfere with that.

That being said, other Christians judging me for my interests or life choices irritate the shit out of me. Hell, they don't even have to be other Christians - just fucking people in general.

But tonight, when I was making this blog (my seventh Tumblr to date), I had a realization: people love a scapegoat. They need one. Because when you can look to someone else and say that they're part of the reason why the world is such a shitty place, all of your sins look a Hell of a lot cleaner in comparison.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "scapegoat" as follows:

1: a goat upon whose head are symbolically placed the sins of the people after which he is sent into the wilderness in the biblical ceremony for Yom Kippur

2:

a. one that bears the blame for others 

b. one that is the object of irrational hostility

Tonight, I finally managed to change my outlook when it comes to my family. When it comes to other Christians who just don't 'get me'. When it comes to people in general.

You need me and everyone else like me. Regardless of religious preference, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, or sex, you need all of us. We're your easy way out. All of your imperfections, your sins, your problems, and your fuck ups, they all pale in comparison to what you make us out to be.

And that's okay. I'll be your scapegoat. I'll take your insecurities for face value when they come to me in the form of judgmental glances and rude words.

Because while you're busy judging me and everyone else in the world... while you're looking for an easy way out of examining the mistakes and flaws that make your own life shitty... I'll be living my life as me, chasing the dreams that you're too close-minded to even accept as possibilities.

A faithful Christian fascinated by everything macabre and grotesque.