#hate hydra

Frickss75′s monumental epic of Bucky’s journey back to himself.  Of course Steve is there every step of the way, as is little Arya >^.,.^<, and all their Avenger friends and family! 

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Let’s start at the beginning, with:  https://archiveofourown.org/works/17625677

Until It Sleeps

Frickss75′s Summary:

Steve finally has Bucky back in Brooklyn with him, but he is finding out that his issues are deeper than he thought. His PTSD manifests in many ways, including some very bizarre sleep behavior. And Bucky is fighting internally with constantly returning memories and some deep seated fears about himself. Steve loves Bucky no matter what and is determined to prove it to him however he can.

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https://archiveofourown.org/works/21399505

In A Little While

Frickss75′s Summary:

Sequel fic to Until It Sleeps (my labor of love) Seems I wasn't done yet.

Set a few months after Bucky and Steve's first anniversary, there is some unfinished business still to take care of it seems which unfortunately create a few angsty situations for a our happy couple. But nothing they can't overcome right?

If you haven't read the previous one, just know there are references to things that happened in so feel free to ask if you don't have the time to read 38 chapters lol.

December/January are always rough for Bucky but the upcoming trip Germany is setting off the triggers in many ways. Things like learning new information and simply seeing a photograph or simply seeing an item from his past are enough to set off his anxiety all over again.

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https://archiveofourown.org/works/33476821

A Life Less Ordinary

Frickss75′s Summary:

Preparing for a family results in all kinds of issues and complications for Steve and Bucky, including mental health issues and new revelations from the past as well.  How will Bucky balance his mental health with a pregnancy? And will he reconcile the rest of his history and trauma in the process of becoming a parent? And how will Steve adjust to this as well, having to once again be the stable force in Bucky's life as the family they always wanted is as close at it will ever be.

Now introducing Frickss75′s latest .  .  .              

Chapter 28: Fearless    

Snippet:

“Well if it’ll appease you guys maybe I’ll just buy the Dodgers and bring them back to Brooklyn,” Tony declared at one point, “Cause frankly, Rogers has been griping about that since he came out of the ice and all.”

“You’d have to rebuild Ebbet’s Field too,” Steve said as he downed an Asgardian beer that might just get him drunk before night’s end, Bucky thought. “Since you’re throwing money around all.”

.  .  .

Before Bucky could answer he was kissed solidly and heard himself whine into it, gripping Steve’s shirt. The kiss was so intense, so mind-scrambling Bucky almost forgot they were in mixed company. Just wishing they could tear each other’s clothes off and climb on the counter right now. But alas they were not alone as evidenced by a throat clearing behind them.

“You really should save that for later fellas.”

Bucky turned with glazed eyes to see Natasha standing behind him with an amused look in her eyes.  He felt himself flush almost instantly; he thought he must’ve looked so hot and bothered and completely discombobulated. Damn punk.. he thought to himself, does it to me every time.

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As we currently understand the brain and memory :

Your brain stores two different types of memories: Personal memories such as faces, names, experiences, and impersonal ones such as facts, skills, muscle memory, etc. So it is actually possible to forget “who you are” and many other things that are key to your identity, while still remembering, for instance, how to speak Russian, how to count, how to use a walkie-talkie, how to tie a knot, and how to shoot.

There’s a(n awful) phenomenon in real life in which someone undergoes an event so traumatic that their brain literally cannot handle it, and basically the brain just deletes the memory because the pain and trauma are too much to deal with. You can ask them over and over about it or show them a video of it happening, but they just won’t remember. It’s a case in which their personal memory is fried. Now the memory (almost?) always comes back, whether in a few days, weeks, or months. But I think this is the closest we can get in science to what is happening to Bucky’s mind.

My theory is that this machine somehow has the ability to get Bucky to tap into his personal memories - how it causes him to focus on these memories or how specifically selective it can get is an open question, but it seems like Hydra has found a way to delete specific memories while leaving others in tact (maybe I’m wrong, but I’m guessing they are able to leave him with the ability to remember some personal facts such as that he works for Hydra, or that Pierce is his handler). The machine forces Bucky’s mind to replay his personal memories in his head, while simultaneously simulating the most excruciating pain it possibly can without killing him. This combination of memories + pain causes his brain to automatically create an association between them; those memories = pain, therefore they need to be forgotten at all cost. My guess is that even with the brain wiping machine’s work, his memories come back over a series of weeks or months, which means that, assuming Bucky is out of cryo long enough, they have to routinely wipe him. As they repeatedly erase those memories, his brain buries them deeper and deeper, to the point where it’s a miracle he remembers Steve at all in CA: Winter Soldier. They may also need to increase the level of pain they cause Bucky each time, as he builds up a greater resistance to pain.