#hatboy

Patrick Stump - mr patrick

Pete Wentz - bat kinnie

Joe Trohman - guitar lesbian

Andy Hurley - wow andy

Group FOB pic - the out boys

Sixteen Candles AU - scha

Sixteen Candles Patrick - hatboy

Sixteen Candles Pete - batboy

Sixteen Candles Joe - wolfboy

Sixteen Candles Andy ‐ resident vampirephobe

Other bands/artists will be tagged by name

It has come to our attention that despited our best efforts and repeated attempts to prevent such things, many superheroes are still employing child sidekicks. (Read: child soldiers in their war on crime.) This is, obviously, still a horrible idea as most supervillain attacks are home to poison fumes, fear toxins, zombie carnivores and lots of loose knives, all things that children are famously not supposed to be around. And yet, we’ve seen time and time again that superheroes will actively recruit children, usually orphans, to help them fight crime. (I guess you can still call it a “one-man crusade on crime” if the person you’re waging it with is not a man but a child.) So, we’ve decided that it’s time for a new approach. Today we’re going to reach out directly to the children... Children still read advice blogs right? (Definitely.)

So, hello children, how are you today? Gleefully beating up henchmen in dark alleys? Kicking terrorists in the shins? Fab fab fab. Now, how would you like to stop doing all of that because, as it would turn out, all that stuff is extremely dangerous and you are a child and that is not the kind of stuff you should be doing at all. And look, I get it, you’ve got incredible powers, or a knack for kick flips, or an insatiable thirst for justice, and that’s great. Your heart is definitely in the right place. Nobody understands the desire to use your incredible powers for good at such a young age better than me. (Except, probably, for people who actually have superpowers at a young age.) But you’re simply not ready to go out into the field and busting skulls quite yet. Instead you should take this time to hone your abilities so that when it comes time for you to enter the crime fighting world you can start out as an experienced and professional hero who doesn’t accidentally blow up a school or get gross webbing everywhere.

As a young superhuman it is important that you don’t allow yourself to be swayed by the rhetoric of established superheroes. They’re going to tell you that you can be a valuable asset in the field, and that many supervillains are actually terrified of ten-year-olds in tights but don’t listen to them! They are most likely lying. (There is, admittedly, a thirty percent chance that they’re actually just stupid, lotta stupid superheroes out there. More than you’d think.) Trust me, all they’re thinking about is securing their legacy. They just want you to train you to be just like them so that you can take over their superhero identity when they retire or die or get shunted into another dimension. And I’m gonna let you in a little secret, they’re never going to retire and pass their mantle on to you. It’s a false promise! You’re just going to be another in a long line of proteges, apprentices, and sidekicks that get led on until you somehow grow older than the hero you’re working for. Don’t believe me? At the time of this writing there have been 388 different Hatboys. Anyone have a guess as to how many Hatmans (Hatmen?) there have been during that time? It’s 1. Hatman has always been Hatman. Still don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at what’s happened to some of those Hatboys.

Hatboy #1: Went to college. (Nerd.) Hatboy #2: Was turned into a crowbar by a wizard. (Was then lost in a big pile of crowbars that Hatman used to keep lying around.) Hatboy #23: Asked when Hatman planned on dying so he could become Hatman. Was arrested for “threatening the life of a beloved superhero.” Hatboy #46: Stung by a wasp and decided he was not cut out for the superhero life. Hatboy #73: The only female Hatboy to date. She left Hatman’s tutelage pretty quickly and struck out on her own. She goes by the name Helm Lady now and she’s actually doing quite well for herself. Hatboy #74: Eaten by a shark. Hatboy #79: Beaten to death with Hatboy #2. (Hatboy #2 was subsequently lost again. Nobody involved realized that he was the crowbar used to kill Hatboy #79.) Hatboy #86: The “forgotten Hatboy”, only showed up on one mission with Hatman and was never seen again. When asked by How To Hero about this Hatboy Hatman told us “there was never an 86th Hatboy”. Hatboy #100: The hundredth Hatboy! Can you believe some people actually thought this guy would be the one to take over Hatman’s legacy. Ha! Joke’s on them. He turned out to be a cyborg sent from the future to kill Hatman. Technically the closest any Hatboy has gotten to taking on Hatman’s mantle.  Hatboy #115: Sprained his ankle and was told by a doctor that he couldn’t fight crime for a few months. Hatman promptly returned him to the orphanage from whence he came (can you even do that?????) and had his memory erased. (What??????) Hatboy #166: Stung by bees, had an allergic reaction, taken to hospital, hospital ended up being a front for evil bees, every doctor was actually several evil bees in a lab coat, Hatboy stung several more times, has several more allergic reactions, quits. Hatboy #167: Hatboy #166′s twin. He got annoyed that Hatman kept calling him his brother’s name. Quit. Hatboy #173: Accidentally launched out of a cannon. Never seen again. Hatboy #180: Lost in enchanted woods. Hatboy #182: Actually a tiny supervillain. Hatboy #193: Trapped in Opera House of Doom. Hatboy #195 and Hatboy #196: The first and only time Hatman decided to employ two Hatboys at the same time. They killed each other after a dispute about which of them Hatman loved more. (A stupid argument, Hatman didn’t much care for either of them.) Hatboy #203: Turned into a crocodile. Is doing just fine now. Hatboy #209: Cloned and then fired for violating Hatman’s strict but fair “no clones” policy. Hatboy #213: 213... 2 13... 13 twice... that’s unlucky two times. Like hell was Hatman going to keep a guy like that around. Shortest time as Hatboy at three seconds. Hatboys #214-233: After 213 failed Hatboys the local orphanage banned Hatboy from adopting anymore orphans so the next 20 Hatboys were imaginary. Unfortunately, not even nonexistence was enough to protect these brave Hatboys from suffering horrifying and grisly fates. Hatboy #234: The first new real Hatboy in three years. In an effort to show the rest of the superhero and orphanage community that he could keep a Hatboy safe, this Hatboy was never allowed outside until he turned thirty. By this time he was too large for the Hatboy costume, so he was fired. Hatboy #235: Hatboy’s back bay-beeee and cooler than ever! This Hatboy had spiked green hair, cool sunglasses, a skate board, and pet monkey. Easily the coolest Hatboy ever. Shame about the thing with the immovable mass of dark thoughts though. Hatboy #266: Eaten by that same shark from before. Apparently it acquired a taste for Hatboys. It now goes by the name Sidekick Snapper and it is still at large, so if that doesn’t turn you off from being a sidekick I don’t know what to tell you. Hatboy #272: Accidentally run over by the Hatmobile. Hatboy #279: Part witch, melted when it rained. Hatboy #280: Part ice pop, melted in the sun. Hatboy #283: As part of an attempt at synergy between this blog and the superhero community, this Hatboy was actually our very own Curly! {It was not fun let me tell you. On day three he had me scrubbing out the(All right nobody wants to hear it let’s move on to the next one!) Hey!} Hatboy #294: Tried to push Hatman in front of a train to avenge his predecessors. It didn’t work obviously. If Hatman had a dime for every time he got pushed in front of a train he’d be three times as rich as he already is. He’s trained for this. He knows how to survive being pushed in front of a train. (We can’t give away all of his tricks, but it essentially boils down to “not letting the train hit you.”) Hatboy #300: The three hundredth Hatboy! A party was thrown in the Hat Cave and all of the still living Hatboys were in attendance. (All 32 of them!) At the party they cornered the new Hatboy and held an intervention during which they convinced Hatboy 300 to get the heck out of there and never return. Hatboy #315: Fell in love with an elf princess from a magical realm in New York’s sewer system. Hatboy #330: Ended up on the wrong side of a superhero civil war.  Hatboy #349: Stared directly at an eclipse, was temporarily blinded, and was then kidnapped by a giant bird. Hatboy #355: Tripped and fell onto a landmine. Hatboy #368: Brainwashed into becoming a terrifying assassin. Hatboy #379: Struck out on his own and became the superhero Dark Brood to reflect his new mature and humorless disposition. Hatboy #380: “Misplaced.” Hatboy #388: The current Hatboy, he’s doing quite well actually... for now.

If the horrible fates of these Hatboys aren’t enough to dissuade you from a career as a sidekick, what’s the matter with you!? The life of a sidekick is not as glamorous as it’s made out to be. You’re essentially an unpaid intern with a high mortality rate. You’re going to be getting coffee, picking up dry cleaning, preparing meals, waxing and buffing and repainting hat-shaped vehicles, fighting the gross and weird henchmen that your boss doesn’t want to deal with. It sucks! And for what? So you can get eaten by a shark or lost at the nightmare mall? It’s just not worth it.

Instead what you should do is band together with other superpowered children and pressure one of the older heroes into mentoring you as a group. It’s like forming a sidekick’s union. You’ll look out for each other in a way the adults won’t. You’ll make sure nobody is put into situations that are too dangerous for them to handle. You’ll grow as a group and forge unbreakable bonds, and when you all grow up, you’re going to be a generation of superheroes the likes of which the world has never seen!

No man has never caught a dunkleosteus in human history!

Drew this in response to a tweet by @hatboy