#hamimagines

“Oh, Philip,” You moaned. “Philip, Philip, Philip.”

He smiled, hearing you gasp his name. Your hands pulled at his hair. He traced every curve of your body as he brought you closer and closer to the edge. Just as your breathing became more ragged and your legs began to shake, the door to Philip’s office burst open. Dean Wilmont was standing in the doorway.

Philip gasped loudly, sitting up in bed. He propped himself up on two hands and stared into the darkness, breathing heavily. “It was just a dream,” he reassured himself out loud. Nobody knew about him and Y/N. He wouldn’t be fired. Philip reached over to grab the water bottle that he kept on his bedside table. He took a long sip, feeling parched and hot after what his sleeping mind had just displayed to him.

Rubbing his hands over his face, Philip laid back down to go to sleep, but one thing was still keeping him awake. He reached a hand down to his thigh and adjusted his underwear to a position more comfortable for the erection pushing against the fabric. It was aching to be touched, stroked, stimulated, but Philip refused. He would not masturbate to the thought of one of his students. Even if she was a very attractive student. One who was interested in him too. One who he had already slept with once.

His mind wandered to that night in his office. The moment Y/N kissed him, he knew he couldn’t resist. He remembered how it felt to hold her against himself. How she moaned in his ear and left scratches on his back.

Philip’s cock twitched in his pants. He sighed in frustration. He needed to stop thinking about this or he was gonna have a serious problem. No matter how hard he tried, though, his mind kept wandering, and so did his hand. Philip knew it was wrong, but he had already crossed the line. Who was here to tell him he couldn’t fantasize about it a little more? His hand slid underneath the waistband of his boxers as he started to picture all the things he and Y/N could do.

~

You tapped the pencil against your desk rapidly. You and Philip hadn’t talked in weeks. You understood it being kind of awkward, but this was like he was ghosting you. You glared hard at him as taught the room about trigonometric integration. He was standing as far as he possibly could from your seat without making it look like he was avoiding you. Something poked in you in the shoulder. You looked over and saw Jenna looking at you with a confused face.

“You okay?” she whispered. “You’re staring at Professor Hamilton like you’re gonna kill him.”

You realized how tightly you were clenching your jaw and let yourself relax a bit. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just...thinking about an annoying customer at work.”

Jenna nodded knowingly. “Tyler tells me about those people all the time.” She looked back towards the center of the room where Philip was writing on the board. He turned around and asked a question. The answer was easy, and you totally knew it already. You looked around the room and no one else was raising their hand to give it. You smirked and raised your hand high in the air. He would have to notice now.

Philip’s eyes traveled around the room, purposefully avoiding the section you were seated in. You cleared your throat loudly and a few eyes snapped towards you, including Philip’s.

“Um, yes. Y/N.”

“The answer is one-sixth sine to the sixth x plus c,” you said with a smirk. Philip’s eyes locked with yours, and you thought he might falter, but instead, he met your gaze just as easily.

“That’s correct. Good job, Y/N,” he said before turning back to the board. Now you were the one feeling flustered, and angry. How dare he avoid you completely and then suddenly act like everything’s normal.

After a few more minutes, Philip excused the class. You stayed in your seat while everyone filed out. Philip had his back turned to you. He was erasing all the work on the board, and he hadn’t noticed you yet.

“Are you avoiding me?” you asked loudly.

Philip jumped and dropped the eraser. “Jesus fucking christ Y/N. You scared me.”

“You didn’t answer the question.” You stayed in your seat, keeping your distance from him. “Are you avoiding me?”

Philip looked up at you. You were the only two in the room. Philip glanced at the store. “No, of course not, Y/N.” He said with a smile.

You crossed your arms against your chest and glared at him. Eventually, he sighed in defeat and walked up to your seat.

“We can’t talk about this here,” he whispered.

“I’m your TA. Nobody will care if you talk to me after class.”

“I mean, we can’t talk about this here,” he said in an even quieter voice.

“Are you avoiding me?” You repeated at a normal volume.

“Yes! Is that what you wanted to hear?” he said, frustrated.

“I knew it! Why? I know it’s a little awkward, but you can’t just have se-”  Philip clamped his hand over your mouth, and glanced at the door again. You were taken aback. Philip’s eyes met yours, and you could see fire in his gaze.

“I said, we can’t talk about this here,” he whispered commandingly. You had never seen Philip angry before. It kind of turned you on.

“Okay,” you whispered when he pulled his hand away. “Your office then.”

A look flashed across Philip’s face. “No. Not there either.”

“Then where?”

Philip thought for a moment. “Put your number in my phone,” he grabbed his phone from his pocket, unlocked it, and handed it to you. You opened up a new contact form and typed in your name and number before handing it back to him. “Okay. I’ll text you later.”

“No!”

“Excuse me?”

“No!” You reached for your own phone. “If you just take my number and I don’t have yours, you’ll just never text me and keep avoiding me. I need your number too. For...insurance.”

Philip smirked and took your phone. “Have a little faith in me,” he said as he typed in his number in.

You started to gather up your things. “Forgive me if I don’t after the past few weeks.”

“I promise I will text you later.” Philip handed your phone back to you.

“You better.”

~

You waited anxiously by your phone all night. When Philip finally did text you, you were unexplainably giddy.

Is now a good time to talk?

You quickly replied.

Yes

I’m sorry I avoided you.

It’s ok. I understand why but it was pretty annoying

I know. I’m sorry.

Can I call you? If we can’t talk in person I at least want to talk on the phone

Philip took a while to respond but eventually your phone vibrated in your hand.

Sure

Your emotions were a strong mix of fear and excitement as you clicked the little phone icon next to Philip’s name. He picked up almost instantly.

“Hello?”

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

Silence passed between you two. You’d wanted to have this conversation since the night you slept with Philip, but now you had no idea what to say.

“So, um. We messed up.” You hated that he described like that. You were a “mess up” for him. Just a mistake.

“Yeah. I guess.”

“That can never happen again.”

You sighed. It was what you had expected, but not really what you wanted. “Philip, I don’t think I can act normal and just pretend this never happened.”

“I know.”

“I can’t control myself around you.”

Philip let out a surprised noise but quickly regained composure. “I understand. Me either, but still. Never again.”

You said nothing in response.

“What?”  Philip asked.

“I just…”

“What Y/N? Are you okay?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“Why not what?”

“Why it can’t happen again.”

There was a long pause on the other line. “I could lose my job.”

“Only if we get caught.”

“It’s too risky! Not just for me, for you too! It would be bad for both of us if somebody found out.”

“ Then no one will find out! We’d be careful! We would only meet at places off-campus. And we can talk on the phone like this. Nobody would know.”

“I don’t know Y/N. I can’t let you risk your reputation and I don’t want to take advantage of you like that.’

“You’re not. I want to be with you.”

Philip paused. “Maybe, if it were just a sex thing.”

You thought for a moment. You had done the whole “casual sex thing” and you weren’t sure if that’s what you wanted anymore.

“Y/N?” Philip asked.

“What if…” You were almost scared to say this, knowing it could ruin what you had with Philip. “What if I want more? What if I want a real relationship?”

“Oh...Y/N…”

You could hear the pity in his voice and it made you want to crumble into pieces. “You know what? Forget I said anything.” You pulled the phone away from your ear, ready to hang up.

“Y/N! Wait!”

Your hand hovered over the red button.

“Are you still there?”

“Yes,” you whispered.

“Y/N, it’s...it’s not that I don’t want that too, but…there’s no way it would work. We could never see each other. We’d have to meet in secret. Our relationship could never be public, even after you graduate. Which isn’t for two more years anyway.”

Tears were already streaming down your face. You didn’t realize how much Philip had come to mean to you over the month when you were his TA. You thought you just had a harmless crush. You knew there was no chance, but then there was that one night, and despite your better judgment, it had given you hope. All those things you’d imagined you could do with him, what you imagined you could mean to him, they seemed to be real, and now you were reminded of the harsh reality of the situation.

“You said you wanted a real relationship, and hiding from the world that’s just, that’s not real. You deserve better than that. You deserve so much more than what my position will let me give to you.”

    You couldn’t hide the fact that you were crying from your voice when you spoke again. “You don’t get to decide what I deserve.”

“Y/N, I-”

“No. I don’t want to hear your excuses. Just say you don’t feel the same way, and we can be done with it.”

You weren’t sure why you were still standing there. The show had ended two hours ago and everyone who was still there was either cleaning up the orchestra pit or were just trying to find a reason to avoid going home. You were in the second group of people, and the only difference between you and them was that they were actually succeeding at find a reason to avoid going home. You, however, were not. While they were all either helping out with the lights or cleaning up the theater, backstage or otherwise, you were sitting front and center of the Richard Rodgers stage, ignoring the sound of your phone buzzing, signalling that your husband, Lin, was trying to get a hold of you.

     You knew that you practically owed it to him to try answer. After all, at this point, it started to feel like he did everything for you, regardless of whether or not it made him happy. What was even worse is that you hadn’t really noticed until recently. Lin had been offered another job in London to work in something about Mary Poppins. From what you could tell, he was really excited about it. He told you about how he would be able to wear a really cool hat and really cool clothing, and how he would be working with kids throughout his time there. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out just how excited about everything he was.

    But you knew better than anyone how terrible you and Lin were at long distance. At one point, you decided to spend the holidays with your families separately and it ended in multiple fights and a bouquet of roses sent to your doorstep the next day in an effort to apologize, and that was only a few hours away. How were the two of you supposed to act when Lin was an ocean away and the two of you were working on different schedules?

    You didn’t beg Lin to stay. You didn’t even say anything to him. You simply sat back and didn’t say a word, hoping that he would realize it on his own. Unfortunately, Daveed was quick to ruin these plans.

    A few weeks before Lin was supposed to confirm whether or not he wanted the role, he was sat in his dressing room with Daveed. They had originally been chatting about lyrics that Daveed wanted to use for a clipping song, but Daveed couldn’t help but notice how smiley Lin was and pointed it out, claiming that he looked like he had just gotten stoned and whether or not he would have to call in Javier to take over for the night.

    “I’m not stoned,” Lin rolled his eyes, sounding slightly annoyed. Still, the smile didn’t fade from his face. He began to explain to Daveed how he was offered a job in London and how they would be filming for a few months in London, and how he was planning on saying yes. The more that he explained, the weirder Daveed’s reaction got. He asked, “What’s wrong?”

    Daveed shrugged in response. “Well, to be honest, I don’t think that it’d be a good idea for you to just go off and leave for London when you know that your relationship becomes really unstable when you’re apart. Did (Y/N) tell you how they feel about this?”

    “They said that it would be a good opportunity?” Lin told Daveed, though it was obvious that he was questioning his own words. When Daveed gave him a look that said ‘really?’ Lin let out a sigh. “Okay, maybe you’re right.”

    Daveed scoffed, murmuring under his breath, “Maybe.”

    After that converstion, Lin continued to question whether or not he should go. He decided to do a bunch of tests on you in an effort to see whether or not you actually wanted him to go. Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to come up with anything creative that would get the answer out of you, so one afternoon, he decided to ask you straight.

    “Do you really want me to go? Straight answer, please, (Y/N).”

    You looked away, trying to avoid eye contact with him. “Lin, why are you asking this? I told you that I thought that it’d be a good idea for you to do it and that it was a really good opportunity.”

    “¿Quieres que yo, (Y/N)?” He asked, a hint of frustration in his voice. It wasn’t often that Lin got frustrated and it took a lot to get him angry, so you decided that it would be a good idea to just answer the question truthfully and honestly. Of course you knew that it wasn’t the answer he wanted. You knew that he wanted to go to London and you knew that he wanted to be in Mary Poppins Returns, but you also knew that he didn’t want to be lied to.

    “No,” You admitted, sighing. “No, I don’t.”

    You were sure that he was upset the moment that you said it, but to your surprise, he wasn’t. Ever since he had the conversation with Daveed, he prepared himself for the multiple ways that you would react, and this was the one that he had practiced and thought about the most. He wrapped his arm around you, pulling you closer to him and placing a kiss on your forehead. “Okay. Then I won’t go.”

    That was weeks ago. You were particularly happy since then, and so was Lin. He was still goofing off with Javier, Anthony and Daveed, and he was spending most of his time coming up with ideas for Ham4Ham or just spending time with the other cast members. From what you could tell, he was enjoying himself, and it wasn’t until a few days ago that you began to question whether or not he was actually happy being there. Of course, this was all thanks to your friend, Chloe, who was convinced that he wasn’t.

    You had been explaining to Chloe how you had booked a few more musicals in New York, and how none of them had anything to do with founding fathers or anything even related to Lin. You explained how this could be really big for the two of you, and how excited you were for the upcoming years, but she was quick to point out that Lin might not be happy just staying in New York for the rest of his life, never leaving because he wants to make sure that your relationship is stable and you were happy with your career.

    “He’s a Broadway actor, (Y/N).” Chloe explained to you, taking a sip of her strawberry smoothie. She shrugged and told you, “I just don’t think that he’s happy being a stay-at-home dad until you finish your job at New York and he can move onto something new. I mean, can anyone be happy if they’re just waiting for their significant other to get themselves together before they can pursue the career that they want to be in?”

    You sighed. “I know that. I know that this is probably really hard for him, but he seems to be really happy messing around with the rest of the cast and with Sebastian. And if he can just hang on for a little while longer, I really think that these next few roles that are coming up for me could be really huge for our family. You know, we’d be able to finally be seen as individuals rather than that couple that acts in all of the same musicals.”

    “Well, yeah, I’m sure of that, but for how long?” She questioned, raising her eyebrows. “I mean, you can’t seriously think that it’s going to be easy for Lin to just sign up to be unhappy if he doesn’t know when it’s going to end.”

    “(Y/N), what are you still doing here? I’ve been trying to call you for hours. I went home because I figured that you were there, and I figured that I would check here before I went off and texted everyone to help look for you because I thought you were missing again.” Lin snapped you out of your daydream. He climbed up the steps and began to walk toward you, putting his phone in his pocket. The sound of your phone vibrating stopped. Just before he could pull you into one of his bear hugs, you immediately got up and took a few steps back.

    You asked, “Are you happy?”

    He froze, raising his eyebrows. He let his arms fall ext to him. “What are you talking about?”

    “Are you happy?” You repeated, as if he hadn’t already heard the question and thought it was completely ridiculous. Are you happy being here with me? Are you happy staying in New York for a few more months so I can finish my contract as John Laurens while you stick around, taking care of Sebastian? Are you happy staying here and being completely and utterly bored? Because I feel like I forced you to do this.”

    “You didn’t force me to do this, (Y/N). What are you saying?”

    “I’m saying that I don’t think you’re happy. I’m saying that I don’t think you’re satisfied just staying here with me. I’m saying that I don’t think I’m good enough for you, because I’ve never been good enough for you and I’m not sure why you even decided to be with me considering the fact that I’m not worth going through all the trouble of giving up a potential job. I’m saying that I love you and I care about you, and I’m saying that I don’t understand why you love and care about me. I’m saying that I’m afraid.”

    The more that you spoke, the more focused you were on your words and you wanted to say. Lin quickly took advantage of this and took a step towards you, wrapping his arms around you in an effort to comfort you, but he knew that it wasn’t working as well as he had hoped it would. The second that you were done speaking, he asked, “What are you afraid of?”

    “I’m afraid that you’re gonna resent me and I’m afraid that this is not enough for you and I’m afraid that I’m not enough for you.” You untangled yourself from his arms, taking hold of his hands in yours and looking him in the eyes. “You’re not as different from Alexander Hamilton as you think yourself to be. And I’m not as different from Elizabeth Schuyler as I thought myself to be.” You let out a humorless laugh. “Maybe I should’ve taken the job was Eliza instead, huh?”

       He shook his head violently, making you slightly afraid that it would snap off. “(Y/N), I love you.”

As you and John had expected, the gossip about the two of you blew over in a few days. Rumors about the two of you dating had also been squashed, due largely in part to Angelica shutting people up about it. Even if people were still talking, you didn’t notice. The talent show was less than two weeks away, and with homework on top of that, you had no choice but to focus, focus, focus.

The great part about your new all work-no play policy was that you “didn’t have time” to respond to Charles’ countless texts. Apparently leaving your ex stuck in a hospital bed wasn’t enough for him to understand that you were done. Charles still wanted to talk. He wanted to “work things out.” There wasn’t anything to work out, as far as you were concerned. You were done with him. Any feelings that remained left your heart the second you heard how creepy he sounded in the hospital. You could still hear the way he said “You’re a good girl, Y/N. You don’t do that with just anybody.” Every time you thought about it chills crawled up your spine, and not the good kind.

Charles had said that you couldn’t possibly have feelings for a guy like John, but you didn’t think John was a bad guy. Sure, you used to think he was some player douchebag, but you’d gotten to know a completely different side of him since being his friend-and only his friend. He played guitar. He refused to eat ice cream out of a bowl; cones were a requirement. He was actually great at drawing. His parents made him take dance classes until he was seven, which was probably why he was so good in Cell Block Tango.

John Laurens had really started to become your best friend, though Angelica would never let you say that out loud.  You and John had fallen into the habit of hanging out after dance practice on Fridays. It was the one day of the week that he could convince you to step away from schoolwork. Sometimes you hung out with everyone. Sometimes it was just the two off you.

When it was just you and John, the two of you would get ice cream (in cones of course, otherwise John would rant about it not being as good) and sit on a picnic table in the park near your school. Sometimes you two would just sit there, enjoying the comfortable silence. Other times you would talk for hours, about anything.

“John, how come you never talk about your parents?” You’d asked him one time. It had been bothering you for awhile. You knew his mom had died and that his dad was always gone on business trips, but that was all you knew.

“Come again, princess?”

You smiled. Despite the lack of sex, he hadn’t dropped the nickname that you would never admit you loved. “I just...you never really talk about her.” John finally met your eyes. “Your mom, I mean.” John shrugged and looked away again. You sighed and set your partially eaten ice cream cone down on the picnic table. You were both sitting on the table rather than on the bench. It was just more comfortable. John glanced down at your ice cream before he grabbed it and starting eating it himself.

“Gross John. My mouth was on that.”

He shrugged and kept eating. “Your mouth has been worse places.”

You rolled your eyes, “Alright, charmer. Stop trying to change the subject.”

“I’m not!” he said defensively.

You gave him a look. “I just want you to know you can trust me. If you ever want to talk about it.”

John nodded. “I know I can.”

You stared at your hands for a minute, not knowing what else to say. The only sound was coming from the crickets the occupied the park you were in. The sun was starting to set and everything was becoming quiet and still.

“I was seven when she died,” John said. You looked up and saw him watching you carefully. “That’s why I stopped those dance lessons you swore you wouldn’t tell anybody about.”

“And I haven’t,” you said. John gave you a pointed look. “Okay, so maybe Angelica knows, but that’s it I promise.” John rolled his eyes at you but smiled regardless. You let another moment of silence pass before you spoke again. “That’s pretty young to be dealing with something like that.”

John nodded and leaned back, staring up at the darkening sky. “Yeah, it was. I mean, dealing with not having a mom anymore was like, unimaginably difficult, especially when you’re just starting to understand what death actually means. But I think the isolation from Henry hurt more though.” John always referred to his dad by his first name, and you never knew why. “Losing mom, just, took something out of him, I guess. He’s never been the same. Henry and I exchange as many words in a year that most people probably exchange with their dad in a day. And we disagree on so much, it’s like, what’s the point in even trying to talk to him.”

Instinctively, you reached for his hand. “I’m so sorry, John.”

“It’s okay.” John turned his hand over and interlaced your fingers. “I’m used to it. At some point, I realized that this was the new normal, and I accepted it. I met Alex, and we bonded over our lack of parental figures. That definitely helped.”

You nodded. It made sense now why John and Alex were so close. Everyone at school knew that Alex lived with a foster family because his mother died and his father abandoned him. No one knew John had such a similar situation.

“It’s getting late. We should get you home.” John pulled his hand away from your so fast that it left you feeling cold by comparison. John hopped off the table and held his hand out to help you down.

You didn’t want to leave John after he’d just bared his soul to you.“It’s barely 8. Can we go to your house?”

John smiled. “Whatever you want, princess.”

You texted your mom that you’d be staying at Angelica’s house tonight and followed John to his car.

Your shoes made a subtle squeaking noise as you walked down the basement hallway to your school’s small dance studio. It had been raining outside, very heavily, and now all your clothes were soaked. The worst part was, you weren’t alone. John walked beside you, shaking his damp hair like a dog.

“Oh my god, you’re getting me even more wet!” you laughed, shoving John to the side.

“Sorry, princess.” John leaned closer and shook his head again, spraying you with droplets of cold water.

“You are absolutely the worst,” you said. John only grinned in response.

You’d stayed the night at John’s again last night, but instead of sleeping on the couch like you normally would, you slept in his bed next to him. It was weird being in John Laurens’ bed and still remaining completely clothed, but you’d figured that was just the point your friendship was at. You two were comfortable around each other now.  

You pushed the door of the dance studio open. Everyone was already there and changed, meaning you were late. A pang of guilt shot through your chest.

“Oh, thank god. You’re here,” Angelica said with relief. You wanted to grumble something about barely being late, but bit your tongue. You were practicing in full costume now. It was Saturday, exactly one week from the talent show. Tensions were very high.  

“Yeah, let me just run and change quick.” You started to step out of the door again, but Angelica grabbed your wrist and pulled you back in. Your mind involuntarily flashed to the last time someone had pulled you back into this room against your will.  

John pinning you against the same door, asking why you embarrassed him like that. You remembered his hand pressing against your hip while he whispered in your ear.

“Can you blame me? Look at you.”

Butterflies were starting to fill your stomach. Your eyes fluttered up to John just long enough to make contact with his and see him trying to hold back laughter. He knew exactly what you were remembering. Those few seconds felt like minutes, and you had to take a deep breath to bring yourself back to what Angelica was saying.

“-have no time, so just change in here quick so we can get started,” she finished. You opened your mouth to protest, but the look she gave you shut you up right away. You swallowed your pride and walked over to a corner to change. You knew that this performance meant more to Angelica than it did to anyone else. She’d invited scouts from a few different performing arts colleges, including the one she wanted to go to since she was a child. She was hoping to get a scholarship offer so that she could afford to attend next fall.

You stood in the corner and dropped your costume bag on the floor next to you. Before stripping you glanced around to make sure no one was looking, but truthfully you wouldn’t mind much. You’d gone on theater retreats until you were 15 and as a result, you were pretty used to changing in front of others. You slowly peeled the soaked T-shirt away from your skin and pulled it off. You laid it out flat on the ground in the hopes that it would dry by the time you were finished rehearsing. You pulled the leather bra out of your bag and started to take the plain one that you were already wearing off. The leather bra didn’t have a clasp in the back so you had to put in on like a sports bra. You reached your hands above your head - exposing your bare chest even more- and pulled it on. Once it was over your boobs, you had to pull them around to make sure they were in the right position. After that, you took your pants off and pulled on the black fishnet skirt that was attached to plain black underwear. Lastly, you sat down and put on your lace-up black stilettos.

John sat next to you. His outfit was much less complicated than yours. You let your eyes scan over his shirtless figure, still slightly damp from the rain.  You swallowed the lump in your throat as you felt lust taking over your body. Your gaze moved to his John’s face, and you saw that he, surprisingly, wasn’t looking at your body at all. You felt a little disappointed. You’d kinda hoped he noticed your little strip show. Instead, he was typing something into his phone.

“Hey,” he looked up, finally meeting your eyes. “There’s gonna be a party tonight. You wanna come?”

You finally met his eyes. Why were you thinking about him so much lately? Sure, you regularly had dreams about him, but that was just your brain trying to process information. You couldn’t blame your brain for doing its job. But now, now you were thinking about him in the daylight too. Something about the way his bare chest and abs were shining from the rainwater was making it difficult for you to breathe.

“Yo, Y/L/N.” John snapped his fingers in your face. “Party? Yes or no?” 

You snapped out of your sexual thoughts so fast you got whiplash. Before you could respond, Angelica spoke up. 

“Everybody ready? Alright good. Let’s rehearse,” she yelled with a clap. Everyone took their spots and waited for the song to start.

You swayed with the music, going through the motions you knew so well by now. John stepped out from the side and met you as you wrapped your arms around him. You'd done this what felt like a thousand times by now.  The scent of him filled your nose in a way that was a little too intoxicating, but you continued to sing and dance with near perfection. At this point, it was muscle memory, and your mind was able to wander as pranced around John. He lifted you up, and you ran your hand down his face and in his still-damp hair before he dropped to the floor, bringing you with him. You glanced up and saw yourself in the mirror. It took you back to your triste with John in the dance studio. You pushed the thought away, leaning down to connect your lips with John's. He opened his mouth and pushed the red handkerchief into your mouth with his tongue. You gripped it with your teeth and started to slowly tug it out of his mouth.

"You know some guys just can't hold their arsenic."

You and John jumped up and continued with the choreography. You tried to keep a serious, seductive face while you sang, but John kept giving you goofy looks that made you laugh.

You finished the routine, breathing heavily. Angelica gave everyone a minute to catch their breath before you ran it again. And again. And again.

When practice was finally finished, you and John were the second people to leave. Theodosia and Aaron being the first. They were "hanging out" as "friends", but everyone knew there was so much more going on. No one wanted to say anything because Theodosia had a boyfriend who lived a few cities away, but it was so obvious that Aaron was completely smitten with her.

You wondered if John had felt that same way when you were with Charles. He'd certainly had an odd way of showing it if he did. For the longest time, you'd seriously thought he was an unfeeling playing. It seemed like all he cared about was getting in any girls pants, especially yours. You were honestly surprised when he stuck around even after you'd stopped sleeping with him.  

"I understand why she's working so hard," John said, snapping you out of your thoughts again,  "but god damn it, Angelica Schuyler, I am so sore all time."

 You nodded in agreement, "She needs that scholarship though. It's such a prestigious art school, therefore it's incredibly expensive."

"She already got in though?"

"Yeah she's been accepted, but if she doesn't get this scholarship, she'll have to go somewhere that's cheaper. They only give out 15 of these scholarships every year. $15,000 dollars for 15 students.  It's outrageous."

"You applied to the same school, didn't you? And you got in?"

"Yeah, but..."

"But what?"

You pursed your lips and said nothing. John rolled his eyes as he held the door open for you. It had stopped raining and now smelled like petrichor. You took a deep breath of the familiar scent and avoided John’s question.  "You know you can tell me anything, Y/N."

"I'm just not gunning for that scholarship. It's not that deep."

"Why not?"

"I'm probably not gonna go there."

"Really? Why the change of heart?"

The two of you climbed into your car.

"It's not a change of heart. I was never planning on going there."

"Then why'd you apply there.”

You stayed silent, trying to formulate an answer while you started the car and began to drive. John said your name, dragging out the syllables. This was he was his way of getting you to talk. He always resorted to annoying you until you relented.

“I just...an art school is scary.”

“Scary? Y/N, it’s what you want to do.”

You thought back to the time you and John had confessed to each other that you both had a passion for the stage. You loved to act, and in addition to John’s secret dance skills, he was actually amazing on his guitar and he could sing.

"What do you mean?"

"Going to a school that specializes in performing arts is so restrictive, you know? Like what if I got there and all of the kids are so amazing and talented that I realize I can’t compare, but I have nowhere else to go because I focused so heavily on being a performer and nothing else. It's just safer for me to go to a university and major in something practical that will lead to a real career."

"Wow," was all John said in response. You stole a glance at him. He was staring out at the road with his jaw clenched. "You know that is by far the most bullshit to ever come out of your mouth."  You glared at him. "I'm being fucking serious, Y/N. You are insanely talented. You shouldn't be so afraid of failure that you don't even try to pursue your dreams."

"It's not that I'm afraid of fail-"

"It is." John cut you off so quickly that you were surprised by it. "Sorry," he said more quietly. "It's just...I know how much this means to you even if it's hard for you to admit. I don't want to see you grow up to be a bitter old woman because you never took a chance on yourself."

You laughed and pretended to check your side mirror to hide the fact that you’d teared up a bit while John was speaking. “When did you become my life coach?” you joked.

“Somewhere between the great sex and the fist fight.”

You reached over and slapped his arm. You turned onto John’s street and instantly noticed that there was a car parked in his driveway. “Your dad’s home,” you whispered as you parked in the street.

John shrugged. “Guess so.” He grabbed his bag and hopped out of your car. “Party tonight? I’ll pick you up.”

You tore your eyes away from Henry’s car. “Uh, yeah. Yeah just text me.” John nodded. You stayed parked on his street until he was inside his house, and then even a little longer. You hadn’t ever met Henry, and you weren’t sure if you ever would, but it made you uneasy how John was just barely 18 and had already been living alone for so long.

That night John picked you up a little after 9:30. You snuck out a window in your basement so that your parents wouldn’t know you were out of the house. You met John on the corner of your street. As you were buckling yourself in, your phone rang. It was Charles. You quickly declined the call, but not before John saw. His eyes moved slowly from your phone to the road ahead of him. His jaw was clenched and he was gripping the steering wheel tightly with one hand.

“So, he’s still bothering you?” he said without looking at you.

“John, I-”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He sounded more hurt than angry. You weren’t expecting that. “I could have helped you.”

“I don’t need help. Look, it’s really not a big deal.”

“What the fuck? Of course, it’s a big deal, Y/N.”

You rolled your eyes. “John, I refuse to argue with you about Charles Lee.”

“I’m not arguing, I just-” You gave John a look that instantly shut him up. He bit his lip and met your eyes. John turned back to the road and sighed. You could see the tension leaving his shoulders. “I’m just scared. That’s all.” He admitted.

“Scared?”

“That he’ll hurt you.”

You leaned back in the passenger seat, unsure of how to respond. You doubted Charles would ever actually harm you, but the fact thought John had clearly been stressed by that thought made you feel a little guilty. “I’ll be okay,” you whispered. John nodded, and you two drove in silence the rest of the way to the party.

“Joooohhnn!” You slurred clinging onto him. He was talking with Alex and Lafayette who both had drinks in their hands. John had a red cup, but it was only filled with soda. Your cup, however, was not filled with just soda. And neither was the one before it. Or the one before that. Or the one before that. John laughed and caught you when you almost fell over.

“Hi princess,” he said, smiling down at you.

You giggled and poked his face. “Don’t look at me like that you cheeseball!” You started laughing and poking his face more. “Cheese! Smile!” You pushed his cheeks up to make him look like he was grinning.

John laughed and pulled your hands down away from his face. "Alright. I think it's time I got you out of here."

"What? Nooo!" You whined.

“I agree,” Alex said seriously. You watch as he held his phone out to John. Concern clouded John’s expression. 

"Yep. Time to go." John said goodbye to Alex and Laf before taking your hand. He put the other on the small of your back and guided you through the crowd of high schoolers. You said goodbye to Angelica as John lead you out of the house.

"Why are you making me leave?" You were outside now, standing on the porch of someone's house. At this point, you could barely remember what city you were in, much less who's house this was.  John didn't answer your question.

"Just trust me, Y/N. It's better if we leave right now."

You were annoyed, but John seemed so serious, and you were tired so you relented. John lead you to his car and helped you get in. He turned the radio on and started driving. You hummed along to the song and couldn't help but dance a bit in your seat. John looked over at you and started laughing at how ridiculous you were being. You bit your lip and smiled at him.

Feeling bold, you reached over and placed your hand on his thigh. John tensed immediately and stared at you. "Y/N? What are you doing?"

“Oh, nothing,” you replied.

John looked at your face, your hand, and the road before glancing back down at your hand. “Okay.”

You smiled and moved your hand up higher. “Absolutely not,” he said in a firm voice. He picked your hand up and moved it back into your lap. You pouted the rest of the ride to his house. When you arrived, John helped you stumble to his front door.

“Wait, what about your dad?”

“He’s gone. He just stopped by and then left again.” John said simply.

“What a douche!” you screamed before you could stop yourself. John laughed and opened his door, letting you into his house.  

“Okay. Let’s go upstairs now, Y/N.”

“That’s soooooo far,” you complained. John sighed and hooked his arm under your knees, carrying you princess style. He headed for the stairs. You giggled, “The last time you carried me up here we had sex.” You started laughing even more, but John didn’t say anything. You were annoyed that he was so silent. “Do you remember that John? Remember when we had sex?”

“I remember.”

“John, I have a secret.”

“What, Y/N?”

You leaned in close so your lips were at his ear. “We had sex twice,” you whispered.

John nodded and set you down. You were now standing on the floor of his bedroom. “That’s not much of a secret, princess.”

“Mm, I love it when you call me that.” You put your hands on his chest.

John smirked. “I fucking knew it.”  You smiled up at him, waiting for him to kiss you. “I’m gonna go get you some water,” he said instead. You huffed in disappointment.

“John!” you called.

“What?” he yelled from another room. You smirked and pulled your shirt off.

“Can you do me a favor?”

“Sure!”

You unbuttoned your pants and started to pull them off. “Will you please fuck me?”

“I’m sorry, what?” John reappeared in the doorway, holding a glass of water for you. His eyes widened when he saw you. You laughed and started to take your bra off.

“Oh my god, Y/N. Stop.” He finally walked over to you when you started pulling your underwear down. John grabbed your hands, effectively stopping you from stripping.

“Why?”

“Because we are not having sex tonight.”

You pouted and wrapped your arms around his neck, pressing your naked torso against him. He closed his eyes and turned his face away from you, taking a shaky breath. “But I want to sooo badly, John. Please.” You gripped his shirt and kissed his neck. John pushed you away roughly.

“Not like this, Y/N,” he said, turning away from you. 

“What? Don’t you like me?”

John paused. You saw his shoulders move as he took a deep breath in and let it out before speaking again. “I’m not talking about this right now, Y/N. Not when you’re drunk.” He walked to his dresser and grabbed a shirt and pajama pants, handing them to you without looking at your body. You took them and put them on silently, feeling dejected. When you were clothed again, John told you to get into bed. He set the water on the nightstand next to you.

“Go to sleep now, princess,” he said, his hand smoothed over your hair protectively. You nodded and closed your eyes. The exhaustion from practice earlier that day and the alcohol in your system made it easy for you to fall asleep quickly.

John turned the light off and shut the door quietly. He leaned against the wall and slowly slid to the floor, running his hand over his face. He was surprised he made it out of that alive. He needed a cold shower.

John stood and walked to the bathroom, stripping his clothes off. He was slightly hard from the way it felt having your body pressed against him and your lips on his neck. He shook those thoughts from his head. That was not helping the situation. He turned the water on and stepped into the cold stream, trying to calm down.

It had been so hard for him to resist you like that, but he knew he had to. It wasn’t what you really wanted. You were drunk and in no state to consent to something like that. But still. The way you’d looked at him with so much admiration and desired had shaken him to his core. The way you’d asked if he even liked you when he’d been in love with you for years. It was all so incredibly you that it overwhelmed him.

You who he’d had a crush on since he met you freshman year. He knew you didn’t see him that way at all, so he spent two years trying to bury those feelings. By the time he had the courage to do something about it, you were already with Charles. It still killed him that you thought he felt nothing for you, but there was no point in saying anything now. You were both going to graduate soon. You were gonna go off to college and have great experiences and become an actress. And he was going to stay here and do nothing with his life. He couldn’t even bring himself to admit to you that he hadn’t applied to any colleges. There was nothing out there for him. He wasn’t smart or talented enough to make anything of himself, and he knew you deserved.

Still, you were asleep in his bed now. And he couldn’t stop thinking about how he would give anything to hold you and make you feel good just like he had that day in the dance studio and that night in his bedroom.

John sighed in frustration and just the water off. This was getting him nowhere. His hand slid down his abs toward his erection as more thoughts of you invaded his thoughts.

You stirred awake feeling confused and thirsty. You sat up slightly, feeling a little dizzy. There was a glass of water sitting next to you. You started drinking from it gratefully, downing the whole thing in a matter of seconds. You looked around. This wasn't your bedroom, but the surroundings were familiar. You thought of John and instantly smiled. You were in his room.

You looked at the empty glass in your hand. Still incredibly thirsty, you decided you would search for more water. Crawling out of bed was a difficult process, as the alcohol was still affecting you. You managed to find your way to the door and stepped out into the hall. There was light coming from the bathroom. You walked toward it, intent on filling your cup with water. You opened the door slowly and walked toward the sink, but before you could turn it on a get the drink you so desperately need you heard a noise come from the shower. Feeling scared, you walked towards it. The curtain was pushed slightly to the side, and you angeled yourself so that you could see into the shower. You expected a murdered or a robbed or something, but what you saw instead was John Laurens with one hand propped against the wall, leaning forward. His eyes were squeezed shut and water was dripping from his curls down to the bottom of the top. You nearly gasped at the sight but were able to keep quiet. You knew you should look away, but you couldn't. You watched as he massaged himself, his face contorting. John's lips parted and one word fell from his mouth.

"Y/N..."

You clamped your hand over your mouth and stepped back. Quickly, but quietly you left the bathroom and ran back to John's bedroom.

You had definitely sobered up now. You couldn't believe you'd just caught John masturbating! And he was thinking about you while he was doing it! You wanted to feel disgusted, but memories of what you had done before going to bed were starting to rise out of the alcohol's fog. You had come on to John in a way that was completely inappropriate, and he had refused you. You were drunk and that was the right thing to do. You felt guilty for frustrating so much that he had to resort to that. Still, it was little exciting to imagine what John might have been thinking about. Was he reminiscing about the experiences you two had actually shared, or was his mind coming up with new ideas? You smiled to yourself and crawled back into his bed, but this time you couldn't sleep.

You didn't know how long you had stayed there in the dark, thinking about John's wet body and the things it could do to you. First the rainwater, and now this. Your mind had plenty of images to conjure up now. Eventually, you heard the bedroom door creaked open and soon the bed shifted. John got under the covers and you turned so that you could face him, pretending you were still half asleep. You tucked yourself into his chest. His chin rested on top of your head, and his wrapped an arm around you. You smiled and breathed his scent in. You felt his breathing slow and knew he'd fallen asleep. You followed suit soon after.

When you woke up the next morning John wasn't next to you anymore. You sat up and looked around. He wasn't in the bedroom at all. The same glass of water was on the nightstand, full again. You stared down at it. Something was wrong. You sorted through the memories of last night as you picked up the water and scrutinized it. When you had run out of the bathroom last night, you'd forgotten it on the bathroom counter. And if it was here sitting next to you again, that meant John had seen it. He knew you'd been in the bathroom last night. Panic started to set in, but you took a deep breath. He didn't know when you were in the bathroom or how long you'd been there. Maybe he didn't think you'd caught him at all. But you definitely had. You still couldn't get that image out of your brain, not that you really wanted to.

You walked out into the hallway, but still saw no sign of John. You furrowed your brow and walked downstairs. You found John in the kitchen. He had a white mug in his hand and was staring at the wall with a blank expression.

"How are you feeling?" he asked without looking at you. His voice cracked slightly, betraying his nerves. Yep, he definitely knew you'd caught him. 

"Fine," you spoke meekly. 

"Coffee?" he asked, finally looking at your face, but only for a second. You nodded. John turned around and grabbed another mug. He filled it with coffee from the pot he'd already made. You walked over to the kitchen counter and took it from him. You took a sip of the coffee. It tingled on your taste buds, and you could already feel the slight headache you had easing away. 

“Hey, why did you make us leave so early last night?” 

“Someone told Alex that Charles was on his way. I figured you didn’t want to deal with the drama. 

“Thanks,” you whispered, staring into your coffee. When you looked up, John had his back to you again. You set the mug down in frustration. "John, will you please just look at me?" you said. He hesitated, but you finally saw his body start to shift. You knew this was your chance. Before he could say anything about last night, you grabbed his face and kissed him.

John stumbled slightly in shock, but you felt his shaky hand come to your face as he leaned into the kiss. It was sweet and short, and definitely less charged with sexual energy compared to any of your other senses.  You pulled away and looked at John. That kiss had taken your breath away. You felt so alive. A million thoughts flooded your mind, and you wanted to share everything with him, but you didn't know what to say or how to phrase it. You watched his eyes as the searched yours for answers. His brow was furrowed in the cutest way, and his mouth hung open slightly. You hoped your eyes were able to convey how much he meant to you.

You leaned in and kissed him again. This time John was ready. He had one hand on your hip and the other in your hair, tilting your head up to give him greater access to your mouth. You smiled into the kiss, unable to help yourself. Your heart felt so full. This was John. This was your John.

John moved you slightly so you were up against the counter. You jumped so you were sitting on it and wrapped your legs around his waist. You opened your mouth, letting John in. His hands moved up your sides in a way that gave you goosebumps. You shivered, and John pulled away from you. You took the opportunity to bring his bottom lip between your teeth, tugging slightly. John pupils dilated with lust, but his hands remained gentle. You paused for a  moment. The air was heavy, save for the two of you breathing heavily. This felt different than the other times you'd been together. That was like a game, a fun way to get off, but this felt real.

You kissed John again with fervor. He grabbed your legs and pulled your off of the counter, keeping you attached to his waist. You laughed loudly. "John, don't drop me!" you yelled when he started to walk up the stairs.

"Princess, when have I ever dropped you on these stairs," he replied. You smiled and looked at him fondly. You took in the features of his face like you were seeing him for the first time. The curve of his nose, the pattern his facial hair grew in, his freckles, his lips, you wanted to study all of it so that you would never forget what John Laurens looked liked. Your fingers followed the path your eyes were forming as you mapped him.

John set you down gently on his bed. You scooted back until you wearing leaning against the pillows and his headboard. John pulled his shirt over his head and then came to hover over you. Your hands cupped his face as he kissed you again. His ran his fingers along your along your arm. Your heart was beating at an astonishing pace and your chest swelled with each small movement John made. He pulled away and looked down at you. He expression was full of care and joy that you couldn't breathe. "Y/N?" John's brow furrowed adorably again, "Are you okay? You're crying."

You quickly brought your hand to your face and felt a single tear that had escaped. You looked up at John. John moved so he next to you instead of over you. He was worried about you. John was always worried about you. And he always cared about you, and he always made you laugh. He always made you feel safe. He frustrated you in so many ways, but he made you feel happier than anybody else. 

“I love you,” you whispered. John's mouth hung open. You stared at him, unable to anything but smile. 

“Say it again.” 

“I love you.” You moved so you were straddling him. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” you said, your eyes filling with tears. “You are such an idiot, and I love you so much.” 

John pulled your face to his and kissed you with renewed energy. “I love you too. I always love you.”

You grinned and started kissing him again. He placed his hands gently on your hips while he watched you take his shirt off your body. You weren’t wearing a bra underneath it. John watched you with affection. “God, you’re so beautiful, he whispered. 

You felt yourself blush. “No need to flatter me, John.” 

He sat and wrapped his arms around you, staring up at your face. “You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” 

You pushed his long hair away from his face and kissed him. You started to grind against him slowly, earning a moan from John. You could feel the vibrations from it on his throat. His right hand left your body and reached over to the nightstand, opening a drawer and pulling a condom. 

You gave him an impressed look. “Better safe than sorry,” he stated with a shrug. John flipped you over so he was on top of you again. He started to pull the pajama pants of off you, watching your expression for any signs of hesitation. There were none. You wanted this, wholly and completed. 

When your pants were off, John pulled his own down, just enough to reveal his erection. He took the condom and rolled it on. Watching him was torture. You wanted him so badly you could hardly take it. Finally, John leaned over you again. He grabbed your hips and pulled you closer so that your hips were flush against his. 

Slowly John pushed himself inside of you with a satisfied sigh. He rocked his hips slowly, a stark contrast to the aggressive way he normally treated you. But you both knew that this was more than just a hookup. 

You and John held eye contact as he started to move faster and faster Your breath mingled and your bodies were flush against each other. Staring into John’s eyes, you realized so many things about him and about yourself. It was like the sky opened up and you could finally see clearly.

“John...” you moaned, tugging at his hair. He adjusted his stance so that he could hold himself up with one hand and used his thumb to rub your clit. Your back arched and you moaned loudly. 

“I love you so much, princess,” he whispered. 

You felt your orgasm building quickly, much quicker than it normally did. You didn’t want this moment with John to end, but you couldn’t help yourself. You were just so overcome with emotion. You sat up and bit into his shoulder to keep yourself from screaming. You felt all of your muscles tense and it took several seconds before the relaxed again. You scratched at John’s back as you rode out your high. A few moments later finished with one final thrust of intensity. 

John moved off of you. After you both took a moment to catch your breath, he got up to throw the condom away before returning to the bed. You both lay on your sides gazing at each other. 

“I really do love you,” you said. 

“This doesn’t feel real.” 

“I know.” 

“But it is.” 

“I know,” you said giddily. 

John reached his hand out and started to play with your hair. “I’m so in love with you.” 

“I need to go to Charles’ house,” you said 

John retracted his hand faster than you’d seen him do anything. “What?”

“I love you, and I don’t want anything to get in the way of that anymore. I need to tell him off for good, so he finally leaves me alone. 

“Okay.” John sat up and grabbed his shirt. “Let’s go.” 

“We need to make one stop first.” 

After you picked up Charles’ old sweatshirts from your house, John drove you to Charles’ house. He offered to come in with you, still feeling anxious and protective, but you told him it was something you needed to do on your own. 

Charles was shocked to you on his doorstep. A huge grin spread across his face. 

“Y/N! Hello!” He looked down at the shirts in your arms and his smile wavered. 

“I need to give this back to you Charles.” 

“Y/N,” he reached out to touch your arm, but you dodged it. “I told you could keep them.” 

“But I can’t,” you said, “I can’t hold onto anything. And you can’t either. It’s over Charles. It’s been over for a long time. We need to move own.” Charles looked absolutely dismayed. “Look, I loved you, Charles. I really did. But we’re just not right for each other. We bring out the worst in each other, and we both deserve to find someone that’s perfect for us.” 

Charles looked past you towards the street where John was waiting for you in his car. “Is...Is he perfect for you?” 

You turned around and looked at John for a moment. “I don’t know yet,” you said truthfully. You turned back to Charles. “But that’s for me to worry about, not you.” 

Charles stared at you. You watched his expression slowly shift into acceptance. “Okay,” Charles said quietly. You held the shirts out to him, and he took them in his own arms. “Goodbye, Y/N.” 

“I’ll see you around, Charles.” You gave him a final nod before you walked back to John. You could feel Charles watching you, but you couldn’t let yourself feel bad for him. That chapter of your life was closed. You were ready to start again. 

“How’d it go?” John asked when you got in the car. 

You took a deep breath. “Fine,” you said. John gave you a concerned look. “Really, it went well. It’s...it’s finally done.” You smiled to yourself. A weight had been lifted off your chest. John took your hand and interlaced your fingers. 

“I say we celebrate.” John brought your hand to his lips and kissed the back of it. 

“What did you have in mind?” 

“Let me take you on a real date. We’ve done everything, but a real, actual date. Not just getting ice cream as ‘friends’” he said with air quotes. 

You smiled. “That sounds wonderful.” 

The day of the talent show finally arrived. Nerves were in abundance, but you all knew the routine so well. There was no way you’d mess up. Not with Angelica as your leader. You spent most of the day by her side reassuring her, but truthfully she was so ready. Angelica wanted this more than anything, and she was ready to get it. You were so proud of her. 

You came back from touching up your makeup and spotted John. You instantly walked over to him and wrapped your arms around his neck. 

“Hello there, princess.” He smirked, admiring how you looked in your costume. 

John leaned down to kiss you, but you pushed his face away “Stop,” you giggled. “I don’t wanna have to fix my makeup again.”

“What a tease,” John joked.

“Alright, lovebirds,” Angelica cut in, “Time for a team huddle before we go on.” 

The whole group gathered together. Angelica took a deep breath. “I am so incredibly proud of you for all the work you’ve put in, and for dealing with my stress and bitchiness, and just being such amazing friends. I’m so glad I have all of you to do this with.” 

“Hey, no tears. You’ll mess up your makeup,” Eliza said, fanning her sister’s face. 

“You’re right, Eliza. Let’s get this show on the road!” 

You all cheered and clapped. Moments later your group was called. You gave Angelica one last hug before you all took your spots on stage. 

The music started and you knew exactly what to do. 

“Pop,” Theodosia said beside you.

“Six,” you breathed. The song continued.

Hercules walked to the center of the stage. “And now, the six married murderesses of the Cook County Jail in their rendition of…The Cell Block Tango.”

After a few measures, you came forward and grabbed onto the bar of your makeshift jail cell, saying your assigned word with aggression. You switched arms and threw your head back as you repeated that one word. Switching positions to the beat of the song, you stood with your legs spread far apart and stomped to the music as you sang along with your best friends. You propped one leg up and moved slowly down the bars. “If you’d of seen it…” you sang angrily before turning to Angelica with the rest of the girls.

Theodosia stepped out and started to dance and sing with Aaron. It was the exact same choreography it had always been, but you were all performing with the enthusiasm of your first run through. Like nothing could stop you. 

You stepped out from behind the jail door and walked to the center of the stage. The man you loved met you there. You grabbed his shoulder and dance the way you always did. You heard whoops and hollers from the audience, inspiring you to keep going. Memories flooded your mind. Everything, the bad breakup, practices with John, sleeping with John, momentarily hating John, it had all lead to this. You couldn’t be happier. 

John picked you up and the two of you fell to the ground together. You kissed him and pulled the fabric out of his mouth. 

“You know, some guys just can’t hold their arsenic” 

“You guys that performance was amazing!” Angelica squealed. You were all backstage screaming and celebrating. In the midst of all the festivities, you heard a voice. 

“Excuse me? Angelica Schuyler?” 

Angelica stood still. “Yes?” 

“That’s the scout from Angelica’s dream school,” you whispered in John’s ear. 

“Your dream school too,” he reminded you. 

“Miss Schuyler, I understand you organized this performance.” 

“I did,” she said proudly.

All of the pretenses the scout had dropped. “Miss Schuyler, I’m Eli Jahns from Barnard College for Performing Arts. That performance was absolutely amazing!” he gushed.

You saw Eliza and Peggy start to push other scouts away to give Angelica time to talk to Mr. Jahns. 

“Angelica Schuyler, I would be honored to offer you our Presidential Scholarship if you attend school with us next fall.” 

“Yes!” Angelica said quickly holding her hand out for him to shake. You hug John, leaning into his side. You were so happy that all of Angelica’s dreams were coming true. 

Mr. Jahns turned to you and John. “The same goes for you two.”

Your jaw dropped. “I’m sorry, what?” 

“The choreography you two had is some of the hardest out there. There’s a huge risk for injury of both parts. They didn’t even do it in the movie; it was edited to look like they did. But you two...you executed it perfectly.” 

“Th-thank you, sir.” 

“Miss Y/L/N, right?” He held his hand out. You nodded and shook it. “I don’t believe I know you,” Mr. Jahns turned to John. 

“Yeah, that’s because I, I uh, haven’t applied to any colleges, including yours,” he admitted. You stared at John in shock. 

“Well son,” Mr. Jahns handed your boyfriend a business card. “There’s a spot for you at Barnard next fall, if you want it.” 

“Thank you, sir.” 

“Congratulations, everyone. Simply amazing!” Mr. Jahns said, before walking away. 

You screamed and hugged Angelica. “We’re going to the same school next year!” Angelica screamed. 

“I know! We’re going to Barnard! We’re all going to Barnard!” You turned and jumped into John’s arm as Angelica was flooded with affection from her sisters. John picked up and spun in a circle. 

You leaned down and kissed John. Each time you did it was like electricity through your body. 

“I love you.” 

Y/N, I know you’re probably pissed at me. I’m really sorry and I, uh, I hope Lee’s okay. Can we please talk? Call me back.

You saved the message and waited for the next one to start.

Hi it’s, um, John again. Look I know you’re mad, but can you please just give me a chance to explain? I don’t know what you’re thinking right now and I don’t know what Lee told you or whatever but I...I just want to talk to you, I guess.

You rolled your eyes and kept listening.

Okay you not picking up is started to make me nervous. Burr said you drove Lee to the hospital which means you’re alone with him and, ugh I don’t know that just makes me feel uneasy. Just like text me or something. Please.

Y/N please pick up. I’m worried, and I know it’s probably dumb to be worried, but I am. I’m sorry just please respond to me. I need to hear your voice.

Just text me so I know you’re alright. Please.

Guilt twinged in your heart. You were about to text John when your phone rang again. This time it was Alex. You reluctantly Answered.

“Y/N? Are you-”

“I’m fine,” you interrupted Alex. “Tell John to chill.”

“Uh…I don’t think that’s gonna happen. He’s kind of losing it right now.” Alex whispered.

You sighed and rubbed your eye. “Is he alright? From the fight, I mean.”

“Yeah, he’s fine. Lee got a few good ones in but- oh. He wants to talk to you.”

“I...I don't think I want to talk to him yet,” you said, despite the fact that you wanted to hear his voice as much as he wanted to hear yours.

“Please, Y/N. He’s dying over here.”

“Okay, fine. Give him the phone.”

There was a pause and then, “You’re okay!” John said with relief. His voice gave you chills.

“Yeah, of course I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I be?” You tried your best to keep your voice sounding cold. You were mad at him, after all.

“I don’t know, I just thought Lee might have tried something.”

You furrowed your brow, feeling defensive, “He’s not a bad guy, you know. He’s just...complicated.”

There was a scoff on the other side of the line. “You didn’t hear the things he was saying about you.”

You gripped your phone tighter. “The what? He was talking about me?” There was an unnecessarily long pause that was filled with static from the phone.

“Never mind. Forget I mentioned it.”

“Um, fuck no I’m not gonna forget it! John Laurens, if he was talking about me, I have the right to know.”

John sighed, “Alright, fine. The reason we were fighting, well, I- the fight was my fault, okay? Because Lee was acting all high and mighty and saying some shit about how he owns you and his plan was finally working. It was some sick shit and I-”

“So you told him,” you cut him off, “You told him exactly what I told you not to. And how did you think that would help, John?”  

“I don’t know. I thought it would shut him up. I couldn’t let him keep saying those things about you.”

“And then you resorted to violence. Real classy, Laurens.”

“Jesus, Y/N! I was defending you!”

“Oh my god!” you shouted, “Why is everyone so obsessed with defending me? I can defend myself!”

“You weren’t there! And I couldn’t let him get away with it!”

“Just stop John! I don’t need your help! We’re barely even friends!” He was reminding you of Charles. You thought back to the first time you’d had sex with him. John had been pretty possessive, and you hadn’t even noticed. Had you gotten yourself involved with another Charles Lee?

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I don’t need you. Especially if you’re gonna cause this much drama in my life.”

John was silent for a while before he spoke up, “Fine. See you later.” The line clicked dead. You threw your phone down with a frustrated grunt. Turning over, you buried your head in your pillow and screamed as loud as you could.

You did this for several minutes, punching the pillow and shouting into it about how much you hated the world before you finally came to your senses. You didn’t have time to be stressing about this stuff. You had chores and homework and the talent show.

“Oh god, the talent show,” you complained to the air. What was it gonna look like if you lost another dance partner because of stupid drama? You knew who you needed to talk to.

You grabbed your phone, thankful that you hadn’t cracked it, and called Angelica.

“Y/N. Y/M/N. Y/L/N. I have had a death grip on my phone waiting for your call. The fuck took you so long?”

“I’m sorry, I….it’s been a bit of a day. Do you have time to talk?” you asked quietly. You had a headache from all the screaming, but your brain wouldn’t shut up.

“I can do you one better. I’m coming over.”

You sighed with relief. “Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you too. See you soon.”

Angelica hung up, and you laid back against the pillows. You closed your eyes for a few moments in an attempt to relieve your headache.

The door to your room opened a few seconds later. “Wow, that was fast Angie. Were you already-”  Angelica wasn’t standing in your doorway, but Charles Lee was. You sat up quickly. “What are you doing here? How did you get in?”

Charles only shrugged in response before stepping closer to your bed. Your entire body tensed in anxiety. “What do you want?” you asked again.

“You,” Charles replied. “I’ve always wanted you more than he has.”  

“You need to leave right now.” You stood up and grabbed a lamp. It felt strangely light in your head.

“I’m not leaving.” Charles’ voice started to change. It became slower and deeper. “I’ll always be right here.” He took another step closer and tapped one finger against your temple. As he did so, something shifted, and you realized it wasn’t Charles at all. It was John. “Right here, Y/N.” John tapped your head again.

“Y/N! Will you wake up?” A voice shouted.

You opened your eyes slightly. Angelica was sitting on your bed. You sat up slowly, trying to sort reality out. You took a deep breath. It was all a dream. Charles and John had never been in your room. Well, not this night at least.

“Are you alright?” Angelica asked, sitting back. You nodded and wiped at your mouth. Sleep drool is gross. “You sure? You were like...shaking while you were asleep. I thought you might be seizing. I was about to turn you on your side.”

You laughed at Angelica’s concern. “No. I was just having a dream, a really weird dream.”

“A sexy dream?” Angie raised her eyebrows. “About John?”

You shook your head. “Not sexy, but John was there.”

“Is he alright?” Angelica asked. “I didn’t see much of the fight. I only heard stuff from other people.”

“John’s fine. Charles is too, I think. I kinda left him at the hospital so I’m not sure.”

Angelica slapped your thigh. It was something she did when she was shocked or thought something was hilarious. You figured this was both. “You didn’t! You just left him stranded there?” Her voice sounded more excited than most people’s would’ve.

“His parents were on the way!” you defended. “Besides, he was saying all kinds of weird shit again.”

“The usual weird shit?”

“Yeah, ‘‘I know you better than anyone, Y/N. He’ll never love you like I do, Y/N,’” you imitated your ex-boyfriend.

“He really said that about John?” Angelica’s jaw dropped.

“Yeah, are you really shocked? Seemed like typical Charles to me.”

Angie shrugged. “I guess, but I didn’t think he’d heard about you and John. Even then doesn’t he know it’s just casual.” You looked at Angelica silently. “Oh god. It’s not casual is it?”

“No, it is!” you said quickly. “I just, I don’t if it’s still casual for him. I mean we’ve only had sex two times. I all but hated him until last Friday, and now John’s fist-fighting my ex because he said some stuff about me? That doesn’t feel casual.”

“You’re right. That doesn’t sound casual at all,” Angelica agreed. She leaned in closer and smiled. “So what did Charles say to John?”

You rolled your eyes. Angie always loved hearing about drama, even though she claimed she was too smart for it. “I don’t know exactly. I think it was the same stuff about how Charles thinks I’m still in love with him. Whatever it was, it was enough for John to think he had to tell Charles that he’d slept with me the night before.”

“The one thing you told him not to do.”

“Exactly! So you don’t think I’m wrong for being mad at him?”

Angie pursed her lips and looked to the side. “I mean, I do think you overreacted a bit.”

“Come again?”

“Y/N, I know you and I are all about feminism and sticking up for ourselves, and that’s great, but Charles was saying shitty things, and John did something about it. He stood up for you.”

“I can stick up for myself. He didn’t need to fight.”

Angelica nodded. “Yeah, I think the fighting was a bit unnecessary, and John was definitely wrong to tell Charles about you two, but Y/N, think of it from John’s perspective. He wanted to protect you from your manipulative ex.” You opened your mouth to speak, but Angelica cut off. “Yes! He did do it in a shitty way. But do you really think Charles is gonna fuck with you if he knows John will punch him in the face?”

You shrugged. “I don’t know. The whole thing makes me feel weird. When I think about what John did, it makes my stomach turn and it’s hard to breathe.”

Angelica gave you a dumbfounded and annoyed look. “Damn bitch. I didn’t think you were this stupid.”

“What?”

“Y/N! You have feelings for John! Just admit it!”

You threw your hands up. “It doesn’t matter if I have feelings or not! I told him I didn’t need him, and now he’s never gonna speak to me again.”

“Nope.” Angelica grabbed your phone out of your hands, and before you could protest, she was talking again. “You are going to make up with John Laurens. If not for your own sake, then for the sake of my talent show. We have come too far, and he’s a good dancer.” Angie finally handed you your phone back. She had texted John.

“I’m sorry. I’m just stressed and angry right now. Can we talk tomorrow in person?”

“I hate you for making this sound exactly like me,” you said to Angelica.

She smiled and winked, “What are besties for?” You hugged her and thanked her profusely.

You didn’t have any more weird nightmares that night, but when you got to school on Wednesday morning, you were still thinking about the one you’d had before Angelica got there. What had it meant? Would Charles always be in your head? Would John?

You didn’t have much time to think about it because once you were in the building, people started to stare. Most of the other students were minding their own business, but you’d definitely grabbed more attention than usual. Rumors must have been circulating all night. When a fight breaks out in school, people like to know the cause. Unfortunately, it looked like everything came back to you. They weren’t wrong so you couldn’t blame them. You and John had planned to meet at his locker fifteen minutes before the first bell. Now you were regretting that choice. Everyone would be watching you, but sneaking off together seemed worse in your mind.

You turned down that hall that John’s locker was in. He was standing there staring into his locker blankly. You approached him carefully, “Hey.”

“Hey,” he replied in a monotone voice.

“I’m sorry I got so mad. I know you were trying to help me.” You bit your lip and waited for a response. It took awhile, but eventually, John looked at you.

“I’m sorry too. I blew this all way out of proportion and made things worse.”

You waved your hand, “The gossip will blow over in a few days.”

“And Lee?”

You rubbed your arms. “That is a topic for another time. I don’t really feel like talking about it. It’s a complicated situation.”

John nodded. “I get it.”

“Yeah.” You looked down at the ground. There was an awkward pause, and you could feel John’s eyes on you. Eventually, you took a deep breath and faced him. “I just wanted to apologize and say that we should be friends. Just friends, no benefits. That’s probably what’s best for everybody.”

If John was surprised, he didn’t show it. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

You smiled and stuck your hand out for him to shake, “Friends?”

John ignored your hand and pulled you in for a tight hug. “Friends.”